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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my grandparents are tossers

242 replies

Pbjammy · 09/12/2023 17:47

Just trying to get my head around this. My remaining nan and grandad are in their mid 80s, live comfortably, generally in good health. They retired 2 hours away when I was 7 (I'm now mid 30s). Their contact with me and my sister since then has been sending birthday/Christmas cards each year with 'Happy Birthday/Christmas, love N&G.' They've never called, messaged or visited us once (they're very capable and tech savvy). They know absolutely nothing about us, other than what our jobs are and where we live. They genuinely never ask anything about our lives.

Yet they've always been volunteering with kids and young people in their local community. We just went to visit them for the first time in a year or so. They seem to know all the ins and outs of the lives of various young people's lives - they're hosting a Christmas lunch for the Scout group they used to run this weekend. My grandad was telling me all about an ex-Scout who is now at Oxford uni and how proud they are of him, as if they are part of the reason he's there?! Nan is also furiously knitting jumpers and socks for the new baby of their neighbour's kid, who they've known since he was born. Aibu to be angry about why did they/do they want nothing to do with their own grandkids? It's baffling. For context, my dad is their only child and they treated him poorly growing up.

OP posts:
ThisIsNotThePostYourLookingFor · 09/12/2023 19:28

Your completely right OP they are tossers and I say that as someone who had a very loving grandparent.

As the adults it’s their job to stay in contact and build a relationship until you’re old enough to do so independently yourself free of your parents. If they don’t have that good a relationship with your parent then they should have made more of an effort with you and your sister when you were younger.

Neriah · 09/12/2023 19:28

OhNoOhNo · 09/12/2023 18:03

This should have been in the OP, as loads of people will ignore this and pile on.

I can see why it’s hurtful.

You know you tried to have a closer relationship, so this is on them not you.

My honest advice is they’re mid 80s, they’re comfortable, they only have one son. Just tolerate them for an inheritance.

Show quote history

They're tossers but never mind, you're only in it for the money. Hopefully they've left it to the scout troop.

HelenFisksBrownSuit · 09/12/2023 19:29

They absolutely are tossers and I'm sorry they rejected you like that.

ssd · 09/12/2023 19:30

Nothing wrong with calling them tossers when they can't be arsed with your kids and run after others they've no relation to.

Hayliebells · 09/12/2023 19:30

nadine90 · 09/12/2023 18:07

I obviously can’t apply this to your grandparents without knowing them, but narcissists are often “pillars of the community” whilst treating their families like crap. They like to be seen as being wonderful and will put on a big act of being caring and selfless to outsiders as it feeds their egos.
Just because you are related to them, does not mean you owe them anything. You don’t have to visit them if it causes you upset. They know where you live and sound capable of making the effort should they want to visit you. Sometimes we just have to accept that people aren’t who we want them to be, and let them go x

This is what I think has happened too. They treated their son badly, and you when you visted. But with others they're lovely warm friendly old folk, because it's all for show. You visit yearly but they never visit? I'd just stop the visits and go no contact, it doesn't sound like they're putting any effort in whatsoever. It's very sad for you OP, you're right to be cross with them, given how they treat others. But if those other people ever really need help when there's no glory in it for your grandparents, they'll not be interested. Leave them to it, and treasure the people in your life who do give a shit.

KittensSchmittens · 09/12/2023 19:32

Can't believe people don't know what this behaviour is.

OP this is because being a heroic benefactor to unrelated children gets you positive attention and praise - you don't get a pat on the back for showing an interest in your own grandchildren, that's just bare minimum stuff. Ifyou build a relationship with your children and grandchildren they will likely, quite rightly, have an expectation that you will continue to make that level of effort throughout their lives which is hard work.

Swooping in an 'saving' an underprivileged unrelated child on the other hand will get you all sorts of praise and attention and there's no expectation that you have to do anything at all. Everything you do above nothing is consider heroic.

OP, you're GPs are indeed self-absorbed tossers and you owe them nothing.

AInightingale · 09/12/2023 19:32

No, YANBU, my ex's parents are exactly like this. Zero interest in their own grandchildren - three of ours and nine others. Also as described, very strict and strait-laced. Church-goers, and very keen to cultivate respectability.

This is what your grandparents are doing -the interest they are showing in other children is performative. They don't actually want the mess and havoc and unpredictability of children right at the centre of their lives, they only want contact with the children of strangers in a controlled environment with minimal fuss, and to bask in people's approval.

Ex's DPs spend Christmas alone every year in their immaculate home. I think she has actually fallen out with their daughter now - they deserve the loneliness.

DuckyFuzzFuzzyDuck · 09/12/2023 19:32

It's all lies. I hear my mum grasping hold of minute specks of gossip about my kids to tell others and similar specks from strangers lives are related back to me.
It's easy to excuse and spin positively but occasionally it gets jolted into sharp relief. We over heard a eulogy she'd written - basically all about her! Huge achievements just ignored if she wasn't in the frame. Totally weird but it set a low mark to beat.

ButterCupPie · 09/12/2023 19:35

Clar45 · 09/12/2023 19:21

This totally, grandparents seem to viewed on the same level as deadbeat dads if they don’t have some amazing relationship with their grandchildren and yet unlike deadbeat dads they had no direct part in creating you and have no legal comeback if they invest in a relationship and then your parents cut ties or move to Australia. My DC has developed a fantastic relationship with my DM as an adult but that has come about through them finding themselves to be similar personalities and my DC genuinely respecting and caring about her grandma. She doesn’t have the same relationship with all her other grandchildren but I don’t see the issue, she’s there grandparent not their parent

Edited
Show quote history

@Clar45

This totally, grandparents seem to viewed on the same level as deadbeat dads if they don’t have some amazing relationship with their grandchildren

Also, they get slagged off if they have an allegedly 'comfortable' lifestyle (in the eyes of the grandchildren's parents) and a fat cheque is not arriving at every post.

Clar45 · 09/12/2023 19:40

ButterCupPie · 09/12/2023 19:35

@Clar45

This totally, grandparents seem to viewed on the same level as deadbeat dads if they don’t have some amazing relationship with their grandchildren

Also, they get slagged off if they have an allegedly 'comfortable' lifestyle (in the eyes of the grandchildren's parents) and a fat cheque is not arriving at every post.

Show quote history

It’s very sad, the OP has already decided that their good work in their community is only to make themselves look good. How many of us would go to that much effort to ‘look good’ when we could just be a sweet elderly couple chilling at home, some people’s cynical interpretations are quite astounding

Joeylove88 · 09/12/2023 19:41

Your GP's sound shit!! Yes you can feel that way about them if thats how you have been treated since you were a child by them. I have the same thing with one side of my family iv been ignored since a child even though my mum did try for a while to keep me in their lives. The only times they have bothered to ackowledge my exsistence are for a period of time when i was close with my cousin who would invite me to some of their family events until we fellout, and since iv had my baby and suddenly i do exsist again! I learnt years ago to take it with a pinch of salt so im polite to them when they bother but otherwise i dont bother with them. Do what feels right for you in terms of protecting your own emotional wellbeing.

Windmill34 · 09/12/2023 19:44

One word selfish

Onemoretimeok · 09/12/2023 19:47

You know that they aren’t worth bothering with really. They treated your dad poorly and they have treated you poorly. They may speak like they are the centre of their community and important to the young people around them, but I wonder what those young people would have to say.

FKATondelayo · 09/12/2023 19:49

Some bizarre responses here. How dare you, OP, as a 7 year old, not proactively nurture and independently visit your grandparents who moved away and went low contact? It's your own fault. [/sarcasm] YANBU

My own grandparents, who lived 20 miles away, saw us once a year and never had any kind of relationship with us beyond the obligatory. When he died all my grandfather's obits mentioned how great he was with children.

(Also the OP has never mentioned inheritance. That was another poster.)

My3dahliasarebloominlovely · 09/12/2023 19:51

Thank you for this. It sums up my stepmother to a tee. At her funeral I wrote a carefully worded eulogy for the officiator to read, which sounded as if she had been the ideal person for my dad to have married, though family members who knew what she had really been like to me realised I did not actually say so. After that, when all the people to whom she had been kind and wonderful told me how amazing she was I merely became incoherent "with grief" and was unable to speak....my husband was not such a good actor so was unwell and not able to attend the funeral.

AtomicBlondeRose · 09/12/2023 19:56

Why is everyone going on about inheritance? Do people generally inherit from grandparents? I thought it went to peoples’ children most of the time? I’d certainly never assume to inherit anything from grandparents so it’s really weird anyone’s leapt to that conclusion.

FourteenTog · 09/12/2023 20:08

I voted YABU, because they treated your dad poorly when he was a child and depended on them, so YABU still to be giving them headspace. My grandparents were similar. It poisoned our family life that my dad wouldn't stop trying for good contact, and being messed about by them. Cut loose. Take care!

Clar45 · 09/12/2023 20:10

I know, I didn’t inherit anything from GP despite being quite wealthy and neither did I except to, the merciless attitude some posters seem to have towards their grandparents is extremely sad.

PeppermintMandy · 09/12/2023 20:10

I duno. Could be something. Could be nothing

I live next door to an elderly woman and I help her with her food shop and some techy admin stuff. I don’t do the same for my own grandmother because she doesn’t live next door to me.

MrsHarrisAParis · 09/12/2023 20:12

Did your DF take you to visit them? Or since you say they treated him poorly, did he never visit and did they think their involvement wasn't welcome in your lives?

If your DF didn't take you to visit them, then yy it was on you as adults to decide if you wanted a relationship or not independent of your DF. You chose not to. It's odd that you now feel annoyed about it and tbh maybe I'm 'old fashioned' but calling your elderly grandparents 'tossers' is really disrespectful.

Justfinking · 09/12/2023 20:13

Digestivechocolatebiscuit · 09/12/2023 17:50

How often have you visited them/been in touch? Or have you left it up to them ? They know the people in their community..

This, once you were a teen you could be taken the initiative. Also how is their relationship with your parents, maybe this is why they have kept their distance

Clar45 · 09/12/2023 20:16

FKATondelayo · 09/12/2023 19:49

Some bizarre responses here. How dare you, OP, as a 7 year old, not proactively nurture and independently visit your grandparents who moved away and went low contact? It's your own fault. [/sarcasm] YANBU

My own grandparents, who lived 20 miles away, saw us once a year and never had any kind of relationship with us beyond the obligatory. When he died all my grandfather's obits mentioned how great he was with children.

(Also the OP has never mentioned inheritance. That was another poster.)

Edited

No one says she should of visited at 7 if her DP didn’t take her, she could have a good relationship now with the GP but she’s too full of bitterness that they’ve got on with their own lives that didn’t involve her, so can imagine that’s unlikely.

Clar45 · 09/12/2023 20:18

Justfinking · 09/12/2023 20:13

This, once you were a teen you could be taken the initiative. Also how is their relationship with your parents, maybe this is why they have kept their distance

Show quote history

This was my DC, she made the effort with my DM as a teenager even though I wasn’t in a position to visit much and now they have a wonderful relationship

FourteenTog · 09/12/2023 20:21

Clar45 · 09/12/2023 20:16

No one says she should of visited at 7 if her DP didn’t take her, she could have a good relationship now with the GP but she’s too full of bitterness that they’ve got on with their own lives that didn’t involve her, so can imagine that’s unlikely.

Show quote history

OP sounds indignant, not bitter. They treated her dad badly when he was little! It was up to them to reach out, do better, and make it up to their son and his kids. Her dad sounds wise in keeping her safely away from people who parented him badly. Safeguarding. The grandparents could have changed, shown remorse, become kinder. Sounds like they chose to give up on their own as a bad job. Then indulged themselves being praised for being nice to everyone but their own!

Wick55 · 09/12/2023 20:23

My grandparents on one side are amazing and on the other have never made the effort when we were young, and then I visited semi regularly for a while but it was all so one sided I just thought fuck it and stopped going. They don’t care. It’s not fair expecting the grandchild to spark up a relationship if the history isn’t there, it’s just awkward!