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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my grandparents are tossers

242 replies

Pbjammy · 09/12/2023 17:47

Just trying to get my head around this. My remaining nan and grandad are in their mid 80s, live comfortably, generally in good health. They retired 2 hours away when I was 7 (I'm now mid 30s). Their contact with me and my sister since then has been sending birthday/Christmas cards each year with 'Happy Birthday/Christmas, love N&G.' They've never called, messaged or visited us once (they're very capable and tech savvy). They know absolutely nothing about us, other than what our jobs are and where we live. They genuinely never ask anything about our lives.

Yet they've always been volunteering with kids and young people in their local community. We just went to visit them for the first time in a year or so. They seem to know all the ins and outs of the lives of various young people's lives - they're hosting a Christmas lunch for the Scout group they used to run this weekend. My grandad was telling me all about an ex-Scout who is now at Oxford uni and how proud they are of him, as if they are part of the reason he's there?! Nan is also furiously knitting jumpers and socks for the new baby of their neighbour's kid, who they've known since he was born. Aibu to be angry about why did they/do they want nothing to do with their own grandkids? It's baffling. For context, my dad is their only child and they treated him poorly growing up.

OP posts:
giraffetrousers · 09/12/2023 18:53

If the OP’s grandparents didn’t bother when she was a kid why would she bother now she’s an adult? I can’t think of a single family member that I see/speak to regularly now that wasn’t a regular part of my childhood, that’s generally how it works

Exactly. Close relationships don't just form overnight- they take effort on both sides and reciprocity. If the grandparents didnt give a shit about their relationship when she was a child, the OP has no obligation now to try to make it up on their behalf.

Unfortunately, I see this a lot. Relatives ignoring kids in their family for years and years and then being utterly baffled why they grow up to be adults who aren't interested in them. I mean, DUH- its obvious why!

EmlynRebel · 09/12/2023 18:55

Agree with pps about it all being "for show"....of course you aren't competitive, you just want some "basic" politeness and kindness

If someone MAKES a point of bringing up someone completely unconnected to you to lavish praise on them and their relationship (whilst pointedly ignoring you) it's passive aggressive bullying.

Theres a phrase called "fireside devil" or "Street angel, house devil" which describes this kind of person.

Re: inheritance, in true Mumsnet style suggest a low risk index tracker.

isitshe · 09/12/2023 18:57

I'm wondering why you're bringing this up now OP?
Is it because Christmas is approaching, that it's on your mind and you always find yourself thinking about it at this time of year?
Or has something changed recently?
I don't think it's fair that PPs are having a go at you for calling them tossers and suggesting it's your fault. I reckon your GPs like to be seen to be caring types. They're probably more concerned about how others in their community perceive them. If no-one was looking, would they be helping kids they would otherwise have no vested interest in?
I don't think it's out of guilt for how uninvolved they were in your lives, or how they treated your dad. It's who they are.
FWIW my paternal GM was more interested in my friends than me, I found it very confusing as a child, and my dad was more concerned with helping and spending time with others, than with his own kids.
It's a behaviour trait, no doubt.

10HailMarys · 09/12/2023 18:59

Pbjammy · 09/12/2023 18:10

Sorry there has been a misunderstanding here. They never visited us or made any effort with us as CHILDREN. They were simply not interested and kept us at arms length. Therefore we have grown into adults without any relationship with them at all. They have been invited to family events and things over the years and just never come or engage. Mostly because it involves spending money they dont want to. They treat my dad (their son) the same.
They continue to be completely disinterested in us.

Why are you still visiting them, then? They’re not interested in you and you actively dislike them. I don’t understand why you’re still in touch. You barely know each other. It’s pretty weird that you’re still in contact with them.

IDontOftenComment · 09/12/2023 18:59

This reply has been deleted

We are deleting this as it is not in the spirit of the site.

ttcat37 · 09/12/2023 18:59

I’m with you OP. My grandparents were the same. Sacrificed my happiness and privacy to serve their relationship with my estranged father. They always, for as long as I could remember, favoured the other grandchildren (at an age when we were all just innocent young kids). When they tried to think of my name they went through all the grandchildren, children and the dog before getting it right 😂

ripplingwater · 09/12/2023 19:03

I'm so sorry OP- they do sound like tossers tbh.

Seems like outward appearances for others benefit are far more important to them than actual genuine family relationships. I wouldn't be visiting them any more- what's the point?

Tacotortoise · 09/12/2023 19:03

Yes YABU
Just because they don't have a close relationship with your parents (and therefore by extension you and your siblings) doesn't make them tossers. The fact that they are open and welcoming with their friends and community would suggest just the opposite actually.

Years on mumsnet have prepared me for the fact that I will likely never have a close relationship with any grandchildren I'm likely to have as I have only sons. I fully intend to throw myself into community life when I retire and if I can "adopt" a few grandchildren along the way, so much the better.

OftIwandered · 09/12/2023 19:04

I think when you were 7 any contact between you and your grandparents would be facilitated by your parents, surely? You can't know what efforts they/your father made. As an adult it's up to you what relationship you have, unless they have rebuffed contact from you.

Diaria · 09/12/2023 19:04

Backstory with your Dad?

dapsnotplimsolls · 09/12/2023 19:04

I was going to say YABU until the final sentence of your opening post. Now it just seems like their actions are rather 'performative'. How does your DF feel about them?

Turquoise123 · 09/12/2023 19:04

I hear you. This is not unusual.

TedLassoIsMySpiritAnimal · 09/12/2023 19:08

Your grandparents seem like watered down versions of my parents, and yes, tossers is a fair description of them.

I’m sad for you because the times I spent with my beloved Grandparents are the only memories I have of feeling safe, cosy and loved when I was growing up.

You won’t change your Grandparents, they’re too old and set in their ways now. All you can change is how much headspace and energy you spend on them. Just remember, it’s not personal. There’s nothing wrong with you. It’s them.

They sound like bad parents and pretty bad grandparents. I suspect everything is about image to them, which is why they’re “pillars of the community”. Everything is done to make them look as caring and philanthropic as possible. Leave them to their delusions and concentrate on you.

fetchacloth · 09/12/2023 19:08

Pbjammy · 09/12/2023 18:10

Sorry there has been a misunderstanding here. They never visited us or made any effort with us as CHILDREN. They were simply not interested and kept us at arms length. Therefore we have grown into adults without any relationship with them at all. They have been invited to family events and things over the years and just never come or engage. Mostly because it involves spending money they dont want to. They treat my dad (their son) the same.
They continue to be completely disinterested in us.

That is very sad but more common than you might think.
Having read the thread I'm thinking that your grandparents are volunteering and probably bragging about it, because it makes them feel good?
However, you are old enough to decide whether you really care about them any more, as they seemingly don't care about you, so maybe you don't let it bother you any more.
Karma - what comes around goes around.🤔

Brefugee · 09/12/2023 19:10

Pbjammy · 09/12/2023 17:57

Me and my sister visit once a year usually at Christmas. Like I said, they took zero interest in us as kids. Whenever we visited them when we were younger they were very strict, used to prefer us to sit still for hours, we weren't allowed to play or talk unless spoken to. They're really old fashioned.

you clearly don't like them so why do you care what they do? you visit them once a year?

Are you worried they'll leave their wealth to the scouts or something?

Let them get on with their lives and you get on with yours

TedLassoIsMySpiritAnimal · 09/12/2023 19:10

This reply has been deleted

We are deleting this as it is not in the spirit of the site.

Mum? Is that you? 🙄

stallonesbicep · 09/12/2023 19:13

Oh I had an ex boyfriend exactly like this! He was a narcissist (my therapist diagnosed him).

He treated me like absolute garbage behind closed doors but to the world, put on this great show of being such an amazing, charitable Christian who would put on community events (always with him in the starring role- playing guitar on stage etc). Made a big thing about welcoming new people to church (always young women, he strangely never seemed to welcome men or older women, mind) and always told everyone about all his charitable deeds and virtuous, generous qualities. Meanwhile, he'd verbally abuse me, put me down and devalue me in every way possible when we were alone.

Typical narc behaviour.

Brefugee · 09/12/2023 19:14

My DCs have a very close and loving relationship with my parents even though we live in separate countries. As children we took them to visit often, and now they are adults they stay in touch, call, and visit at least once a year.

My brother's kids who live much much closer... well they don't have that relationship because my brother CBA to keep up the relationship. My parents, bless them, try to keep in touch with the GCs (not all are adults) but they get nothing back. My brother and his kids would probably say my lot are the favourites. But they do nothing to foster a relationship.

Maybe, OP, you need to ask your parent about this.

pizzaHeart · 09/12/2023 19:16

SutWytTi · 09/12/2023 18:11

This dynamic is actually not that uncommon. It is very sad, but it is their issue not yours.

Yes, I’m surprised that people are not recognizing this.
OP, your grandparents don’t like their own son (your dad) and don’t have good relationship with him and don’t know how to communicate with him ( they failed as parents) but they like to be nice in eyes of other people. It’s more exciting to show interest in other people - even a small interest looks like a big thing. What a beautiful people they are! They are interested in young Scouts and help them with advices and socks. Who are going to sing them praises for asking about own grandchildren? No one, because it’s normal expectations hence your grandparents are not interested in this at all.

Sallyh87 · 09/12/2023 19:16

It’s sounds like you don’t particularly like
them and maybe they are not great. You are in your 30s stop letting people you don’t like occupy time and space in your head.

Sorry if that sounds harsh but it’s a lesson I’ve had to learn.

Clar45 · 09/12/2023 19:21

Tacotortoise · 09/12/2023 19:03

Yes YABU
Just because they don't have a close relationship with your parents (and therefore by extension you and your siblings) doesn't make them tossers. The fact that they are open and welcoming with their friends and community would suggest just the opposite actually.

Years on mumsnet have prepared me for the fact that I will likely never have a close relationship with any grandchildren I'm likely to have as I have only sons. I fully intend to throw myself into community life when I retire and if I can "adopt" a few grandchildren along the way, so much the better.

This totally, grandparents seem to viewed on the same level as deadbeat dads if they don’t have some amazing relationship with their grandchildren and yet unlike deadbeat dads they had no direct part in creating you and have no legal comeback if they invest in a relationship and then your parents cut ties or move to Australia. My DC has developed a fantastic relationship with my DM as an adult but that has come about through them finding themselves to be similar personalities and my DC genuinely respecting and caring about her grandma. She doesn’t have the same relationship with all her other grandchildren but I don’t see the issue, she’s there grandparent not their parent

ButterCupPie · 09/12/2023 19:23

Ragwort · 09/12/2023 17:53

If you are describing them as 'tossers' maybe they are aware of your attitude and prefer to spend time helping young people in their community. How often do you and your Dad make the effort to visit and stay in touch?

Absolutely this. If I found out a future grandchild of mine had said or written that, I'd 1. Block. 2. Change will.

TheFairyCaravan · 09/12/2023 19:23

You reap what you sow and being called a tosser is just that imo.

My children think the same about my parents and they’re right. They could never be bothered with my kids, they were far too busy with my sister’s despite me making a huge effort to involve them in my children’s lives. I went LC with my parents 12 yrs ago and my children decided not to see them anymore.

Out of courtesy I phoned my mother to tell her DS2 & DDIL are having a baby and she told me being a grandmother was the best thing that had ever happened to her, and then reeled off everything she has ever done with her grandchildren, and great grandchildren. She totally forgot that she had my kids in her life when until they were 17 &15 when she was talking. Fucking tossers indeed.

ssd · 09/12/2023 19:25

Yep they sound like complete tossers

Tacotortoise · 09/12/2023 19:27

@TheFairyCaravan fair enough but there's no suggestion in the OP that her parents ever made a huge effort, or any effort at all, to build a relationship. It is parents who decide who and how often their children get to see family after all.

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