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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my grandparents are tossers

242 replies

Pbjammy · 09/12/2023 17:47

Just trying to get my head around this. My remaining nan and grandad are in their mid 80s, live comfortably, generally in good health. They retired 2 hours away when I was 7 (I'm now mid 30s). Their contact with me and my sister since then has been sending birthday/Christmas cards each year with 'Happy Birthday/Christmas, love N&G.' They've never called, messaged or visited us once (they're very capable and tech savvy). They know absolutely nothing about us, other than what our jobs are and where we live. They genuinely never ask anything about our lives.

Yet they've always been volunteering with kids and young people in their local community. We just went to visit them for the first time in a year or so. They seem to know all the ins and outs of the lives of various young people's lives - they're hosting a Christmas lunch for the Scout group they used to run this weekend. My grandad was telling me all about an ex-Scout who is now at Oxford uni and how proud they are of him, as if they are part of the reason he's there?! Nan is also furiously knitting jumpers and socks for the new baby of their neighbour's kid, who they've known since he was born. Aibu to be angry about why did they/do they want nothing to do with their own grandkids? It's baffling. For context, my dad is their only child and they treated him poorly growing up.

OP posts:
BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 10/12/2023 03:39

What Nadine90 said seems about right.
Most narcissists treat their loved ones terrible but are all about seeming to be respectable people who will do everything for everyone else so they look good.
Just see them when you can but maybe your dad does not feel close to them because of how they brought him up. I know so many people like this who seem to be so lovely and on every committee and treat their own family like crap.

Speakandspell · 10/12/2023 05:12

@Pbjammy i can really relate to your post as it’s the way my mother behaves to my kids. She has shown zero interest in my kids, her only blood grandchildren, but does everything for my stepfathers kids and grandkids. It’s been incredibly hurtful but what I have realised is my mother is a narcissist too - she thinks she’s a doting grandmother but knows nothing about my children. It’s sad and I have been sad for them but we focus on our little family too!

FiveShelties · 10/12/2023 05:13

Pbjammy · 09/12/2023 23:01

Also I work in a legal field - my nan has been telling everyone she knows I'm a barrister in the city for years, when she knows full well I'm nothing of the sort. I shadowed a barrister for a bit when I was studying, and it wasn't for me! When my sister got married she told some relatives she bumped into that she was going with my sister to look at dresses which was total rubbish!

They are 100% narcissists.

Why do you go to visit every Christmas then?

Speakandspell · 10/12/2023 05:46

Why do you go to visit every Christmas then?

@FiveShelties i would imagine the OP feels like it’s her duty to do that. It’s how I feel about my narcissist mother who has behaved in a really similar way to my kids too as the OP describes her grandparents.

allitdoesisrain · 10/12/2023 05:49

Pbjammy · 09/12/2023 23:01

Also I work in a legal field - my nan has been telling everyone she knows I'm a barrister in the city for years, when she knows full well I'm nothing of the sort. I shadowed a barrister for a bit when I was studying, and it wasn't for me! When my sister got married she told some relatives she bumped into that she was going with my sister to look at dresses which was total rubbish!

They are 100% narcissists.

This I totally get. They are about appearances then. I went to a family funeral once and someone approached me (I expect MIL had already briefed them on how awful I was) and told me how the deceased had always written to them about how they were doing x and y with their nieces and told them all about them. We hadn't had contact for many years, so there was no way they knew what was going on. I'm afraid I probably confirmed my MIL's story that I wasn't very friendly because I was just confused. I couldn't really call them out at their own funeral and I didn't know how to respond. I'm sure I came across as totally weird. Some people create a fantasy world to make themselves look better.

HAF1119 · 10/12/2023 06:11

Bear in mind based on your posts about what they claim your relationship with them is like (involved/viewing dresses together/doting etc) that they may just be liars and all the community stuff they tell you may not be accurate either.

They might go to church and occasionally talk to the people they're mentioning to you.

Or they might be rude and unkind to the people they tell you they are so close to

They sound like a waste of space in terms of family/support/love and care - I don't blame you for a once a year visit!

FiveShelties · 10/12/2023 06:32

@Speakandspell yes, I am sure you are right, I would not be as forgiving I'm afraid. Families are strange things.

RedToothBrush · 10/12/2023 06:42

Chocoswirl · 10/12/2023 00:02

Are they ‘all for show’?
Would they still do all the community stuff if nobody noticed or cared?

I have to say having actually done a lot of community stuff and being involved with Scouts, the amount of effort and time it consumes I fail to believe 'its all for show'. If they are actually doing it.

They are more likely doing it to fill a space in their lives.

If the father fell out with his parents somehow and that created distance with the grandkids, they may feel they were shut out or unable to heal that bond with the grandkids so have looked elsewhere. Not because they are 'tossers' but because it was made clear they weren't welcome. The OP certainly seems primed in that way.

It strikes me there could be a lot of pain on both sides. And even lying about what the grandkids do is about being insecure.

DHs parents just don't really get on with us. It's fine. We don't get on with them. It's very mutual. Their priorities baffle us. I can't be arsed with the drama and the attention seeking.

This idea that because you are related you should get on has always baffled me. Even this sense of duty confuses me.

Communication is ALWAYS a two way thing. Respect is always a two way thing. People seem to forget this.

Relaxd · 10/12/2023 06:57

Is it not possible that your parents kept them at arms length and they found other ways to fill the gap of being grandparents? This is the sad reality that some parents reduce contact for limited reasons (not liking decision by their parents to move home etc) also make it impossible for their own kids to have relationships with wider family. I’d suggest you write to your grandparents and ask them!

Clar45 · 10/12/2023 08:31

Relaxd · 10/12/2023 06:57

Is it not possible that your parents kept them at arms length and they found other ways to fill the gap of being grandparents? This is the sad reality that some parents reduce contact for limited reasons (not liking decision by their parents to move home etc) also make it impossible for their own kids to have relationships with wider family. I’d suggest you write to your grandparents and ask them!

Very true, I’ve seen this happen, why on earth should the grandparents go begging and chasing after those relationships causing themselves more heartache

FKATondelayo · 10/12/2023 12:01

More projection on this thread than at an IMAX cinema.
YANBU OP.

Bananabuttons · 10/12/2023 18:13

They are indeed tossers imo! My in-laws are like this with my husband and me and now in turn with our children. For years they had a very superficial relationship with them because I facilitated it. They never made any effort at all and one day I’d just had enough. Now the extent of the relationship is to send a card on birthdays, often with the wrong age on it!

They would always tell us about other people’s children and how involved they were with them- their lack of interest in us started to feel personal. The final straw for me was when we decided to confide in them that we were really struggling financially due to a business we had which was no longer viable.

We didn’t expect a financial help, just a bit of moral support- a bit of sympathy/empathy perhaps. They said it was no good coming to them as they had no money to lend and in the next breath they told us in great detail about how their church community had all pulled together to help a young family who were just starting out- how they’d ‘got’ them a house, spent months decorating it, had a rota to cook for them, all donated furniture and clothes. Etc, etc. they made them sound like refugees but it turned out they were just a young family on a fairly low wage with two young children,

JuniperKeats · 10/12/2023 18:15

They sound like they are caring people. Something must have occurred that they are not directly involved in your lives.

they kept doors open by sending cards etc.

maybe you need to visit them more frequently and build up a picture.

AmethystSparkles · 10/12/2023 18:17

@Clar45 Is the OP meant to be eternally grateful for being let into her grandma’s house (and be fed) twice a week? How odd!! What a very odd threadConfused

Snowflakeslayer · 10/12/2023 18:36

You visited them for first time in a year.l!?
Maybe that’s why they care for the people they share their lives with.

You don't choose your family!!

Clar45 · 10/12/2023 18:38

AmethystSparkles · 10/12/2023 18:17

@Clar45 Is the OP meant to be eternally grateful for being let into her grandma’s house (and be fed) twice a week? How odd!! What a very odd threadConfused

Umm.. yes 🤷🏻‍♀️ I’d hope someone I’d welcomed into my home and fed twice a week would have at least a bit of appreciation??

JoLDW · 10/12/2023 18:42

Exactly, I couldn’t agree more!

I have experience similar to this & it’s very hurtful.

Try to not let it bother you, continue with your annual visits & don’t waste any more of your thoughts on the situation.

Use that time on positive things for you & your family instead.

Good luck x

FlynnD93 · 10/12/2023 18:52

Let’s hope the scouts step up when old age or ill health knocks on their door.

Ohhoho · 10/12/2023 18:56

It is very odd and very hurtful. I’m sorry. We hear so much about doting grandparents it’s hard not to feel shortchanged. They do seem somewhat narcissistic . I don’t understand them. They seem smug too. Grrr. Well done for doing your duty it takes a big heart and guts 👏👏👏

anon666 · 10/12/2023 19:13

It's definitely odd that they're so involved with other kids but not their own relatives.

Bellyblueboy · 10/12/2023 19:29

My parents are the same. They know all about their friends children and grandchildren so show little interest I. Their own family.

when I visit I am just an audience to hear how well their friend’s children are doing.

it is strange - these are people I haven’t seen for years I know their colleagues names, all their medical issues, marital problems, salary details etc etc. yet my parents never ask me anything. About my life.

i have stopped trying to understand it. My mum meets all these people for coffee and lunch but never asks to see me - I have to make the effort or she would forget I exist.

it’s really sad.

PaperDoIIs · 10/12/2023 19:29

DD's grandmother (OH's parents)was the same. Very involved with certain groups, focused on the children mostly. She went camping with them,ran crafting sessions etc. By all accounts she was wonderful with the children, absolutely loved them,they loved her back bla bla bla.

She saw DD about 5 times in 11 years, two of them when she was a baby. Apparently she told everyone she couldn't wait to take camping with her group. She passed away so that's definitely not happening. OH's dad isn't any better, DD didn't even know who he was at the funeral.

Jewel52 · 10/12/2023 20:16

MrsMarzetti · 09/12/2023 21:24

Why only one annual visit at Christmas , why not in the summer? Don't suppose it has anything to do with any presents they may have for you?

Do you always assume the worst of everyone? It’s a perfectly normal thing for families to focus on seeing each other at Christmas. If she’d said Easter would that’ve been ok or presumably she’d have been after chocolate?!

Summerhasarrived · 10/12/2023 20:57

My grandparents were/are like this and to some extent so are my parents. Narcissists through and through. Very little interest in my DC and us in general but know plenty about everyone else’s GC 🙄
Sadly they are who they are and I can’t change them but it has certainly been liberating reducing the one sided effort on my part. Do not ever feel guilty - it is not your fault.

Elle8344 · 10/12/2023 21:03

Exactly this ⬆️