To think my grandparents are tossers

[Pbjammy]

Just trying to get my head around this. My remaining nan and grandad are in their mid 80s, live comfortably, generally in good health. They retired 2 hours away when I was 7 (I'm now mid 30s). Their contact with me and my sister since then has been sending birthday/Christmas cards each year with 'Happy Birthday/Christmas, love N&G.' They've never called, messaged or visited us once (they're very capable and tech savvy). They know absolutely nothing about us, other than what our jobs are and where we live. They genuinely never ask anything about our lives.

Yet they've always been volunteering with kids and young people in their local community. We just went to visit them for the first time in a year or so. They seem to know all the ins and outs of the lives of various young people's lives - they're hosting a Christmas lunch for the Scout group they used to run this weekend. My grandad was telling me all about an ex-Scout who is now at Oxford uni and how proud they are of him, as if they are part of the reason he's there?! Nan is also furiously knitting jumpers and socks for the new baby of their neighbour's kid, who they've known since he was born. Aibu to be angry about why did they/do they want nothing to do with their own grandkids? It's baffling. For context, my dad is their only child and they treated him poorly growing up.

Most of my family has/was always been like this. Both my nans would never ever pick up the phone to me or visit (mum and dad died when I was little). Never knew much about my life because they didn’t care. But knew the ins and outs of their friends kids/grandkids. It’s bullshit and has made me a very untrusting guarded person who has felt pretty unloved my whole life. But all I can do is make sure my kids and grandkids never feel that way.

My dad was the same never praising his children but always spoke highly of other people I gave up in the end never saw my child unless I made an effort until I stopped making an effort and I don’t think he even noticed

Just wanted to say what @nadine90 said is spot on! I’ve actually been debating for a few weeks to start a very similar thread but about my eldest sister. She’s very much like this ignores the ones that cannot do anything for her but appears to be a “pillar of the community” she’s actually been called that by several people! She’s very well known in the area she lives in for being community minded and other crap. She’s NOTHING like that in real life! She’s so evil, her SIL had numerous miscarriages and finally got pregnant and had a healthy baby last year. I was so happy for this person I barely knew and my sister turned around and told us she’s pissed off as her kids will have to share the inheritance now! I’m often gobsmacked how people fall for her act. It’s not something new she’s been like this her entire life.

The fact they moved 7 hours from their only Grandchildren and son is selfish

presumanly they did this 20 + years ago

I have a close relationship with my grandparents but it’s because I make the effort to drive a few hours and visit them multiple times a year, and call them regularly, and my DC also write letters to them. They never visit me. I’m fine with this, they’re elderly and doing things in their local area is very different to travelling for a couple of hours. It goes both ways, and It’s easier for me. I think that the fact that they’re involved with kids in their local area suggests that they’re not the ogres you’re making them out to be.

How would a 7 year old visit?
Or a 10 year old?
By 13 it would be too late.

It’s interesting how relatively common it is. And good for people to share stories it makes one feel less offended. My daughter’s MIL is like this. We are still so perplexed and I think it is a form of passive aggression. Somehow she is disapponted with son? He visits her every Sunday and she tells him in detail the specifics of people he hardly knows yet never asks about him. My daughter has given up visiting her. They don’t have children MIL’s daughter does and she is often rude to their faces. Like publicly telling her teenage granddaughter was getting fat at a family restaurant meal. Just horrific. And yet imagines we are interested in the intricacies of her neighbours lives, who we have never met. There does seem to be some repressed anger there. But unfathomably deep I guess.
I think a lot of life is performance to make others feel good and some people just don’t bother. I remember placing my first baby proudly in my grandmothers arms, a woman I had shared a bedroom with most of my life. She was not at all pleased and asked for it to be taken back. Oh dear.
You remember, the way you have to act pleased when your toddler comes into your bedroom at 6 in the morning all smiles, of course you smile and welcome even though you’re thinking oh bugger, and in fact by doing so you feel it.
Basically, at the best, your grandparents are lacking in charm however great they think they are.

I think you really mind about this and would like to have a different relationship. You probably also feel that as they're the " grownups" they should set the tone by being nicer to you, more involved in your life and generally more loving to you. I think you probably need to try and clear the air, rather than just letting it go. BUT it will be really hard and it will require quite a big effort from you as well as from them. Also, it reads a bit as though this has been baked in in the generation above as well. So it feels like a really big, multidimensional issue to resolve. Is there anyone you all like/respect? Could they help facilitate a convo? but these things are hard to unravel -and it really won't be sorted with just one or two meetings - behaviours are hard to change on both sides - and you really have to want to invest you own energies in this big time as you will have to change as well. And honestly I think you will also have to involve your parents. So have a really good think about what you want to achieve.

There are young people in our family who could visit but don't. One has an inspirational fridge magnet - 'friends are family you choose for yourself'. So bearing that in mind, don't be surprised at the reading of the will in a few years time. ( the local charities will be thrilled)

Someone being nice/decent to other people doesn't mean they can't be arseholes to their own family.

Well, there you are. You duty-visit once a year, maximum. Then wonder why they aren't that involved in your lives. You think they're "tossers", and clearly don't have any interest in them - I wouldn't be surprised if the feeling is mutual.

Roads (and phones) work in both directions.

OP was a child for most of this and the relationship wasn't any better. She can't be blamed for that. The way it is now, it's a result of their disinterest when OP was a child.

Communal narcissists. My mum was one. All about show, all about valuing other people's opinions above her own family. Used to liberally assign nice younger women in her church as 'surrogate daughters' (telling all about how wonderful they were) while never seeing her own daughter - me - or my feelings. I have been no contact with her for about 10 years because there are some relationships that will never grow and can never be repaired.

I’ve been thinking about this thread while not sleeping last night. How is your mum’s relationship with your grandparents? Without insinuation or meaning to insult, my parents’ relationship with my brother’s children could be perceived as rather cold. The same could be said of my relationship with my niece and nephew. However, without going into huge detail, my toxic SIL (aided by DB’s weakness) raised her children to think of our family as of no importance. We tried repeatedly to be involved but were pushed out and insulted at every opportunity. My niece and nephew are now adults and my parents do try to keep in touch but hurt and rejection run deep.

And, like OP's GPs, your toxic SIL will have her own side of things (which maybe involve describing you as toxic).

When I hear such stories I often wonder what the other side is. Usually no-one is entirely innocent.

Bet they still leave their house to your dad though.

@Herbusyness

How is your mum’s relationship with your grandparents? Without insinuation or meaning to insult, my parents’ relationship with my brother’s children could be perceived as rather cold. The same could be said of my relationship with my niece and nephew. However, without going into huge detail, my toxic SIL (aided by DB’s weakness) raised her children to think of our family as of no importance. We tried repeatedly to be involved but were pushed out and insulted at every opportunity. My niece and nephew are now adults and my parents do try to keep in touch but hurt and rejection run deep.

This is what I was talking about in my post above. Friction (both ways) between grandparents and their own childs spouse, sometimes causes distancing between both. Usually the grandchild are totally unware of the reasons why because both sides are trying to protect the grandchild by not saying to them "I hate your mother" or "I hate your granny/grampy". So all the grandchild sees is someone not interested in them.

When the reality is both grandparents and spouse can't bear each other and its difficult to maintain any relationship at all.