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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my grandparents are tossers

242 replies

Pbjammy · 09/12/2023 17:47

Just trying to get my head around this. My remaining nan and grandad are in their mid 80s, live comfortably, generally in good health. They retired 2 hours away when I was 7 (I'm now mid 30s). Their contact with me and my sister since then has been sending birthday/Christmas cards each year with 'Happy Birthday/Christmas, love N&G.' They've never called, messaged or visited us once (they're very capable and tech savvy). They know absolutely nothing about us, other than what our jobs are and where we live. They genuinely never ask anything about our lives.

Yet they've always been volunteering with kids and young people in their local community. We just went to visit them for the first time in a year or so. They seem to know all the ins and outs of the lives of various young people's lives - they're hosting a Christmas lunch for the Scout group they used to run this weekend. My grandad was telling me all about an ex-Scout who is now at Oxford uni and how proud they are of him, as if they are part of the reason he's there?! Nan is also furiously knitting jumpers and socks for the new baby of their neighbour's kid, who they've known since he was born. Aibu to be angry about why did they/do they want nothing to do with their own grandkids? It's baffling. For context, my dad is their only child and they treated him poorly growing up.

OP posts:
Smugandproud · 09/12/2023 20:25

People are just strange.
I sat at in-laws once whilst fil showed me on his calendar which days his dn was on the rigs, on those days my in-laws rang dn’s wife as she was on her own.
My dh, their ds, worked away Monday to Friday leaving me with two very young dc, in-laws never rang me. And they were so proud of the fact that they rang the dn!
They also refused to come to see us and their dgc on Christmas Day, preferring to come Boxing Day when sil was with us, ( we had a spare room for them to stay in).
After mil died I realised from little comments (at the funeral) that in-laws had painted me in a very bad light to the dn.

DuckyFuzzFuzzyDuck · 09/12/2023 20:27

First on both sides to have grand kids, I can tell by the photos we did work very hard in the early years - lengthy trips, giving up beds for hosting, inviting on rare holidays...

But it wasn't the life our parents wanted. Mine wanted to go cruising, three nights on the Welsh coast wasn't cutting it. The PIL just got consumed by later grand kids, we could never visit without cousins also being invited. The youngest baby family always got the spare bedrooms - the camping just wasn't easy with a 4&2 year old particularly because we just didn't get the teacher holidays of others. Time was so precious, grandparents just didn't seem to appreciate it.

My kids, late teens, have a polite relationship with grandparents. Fucking hell, we have to listen to some drivel about gifted and talented cousins and the local hairdressers kids.

They have no idea how great my own teenagers are doing - serious Oxbridge bragging & weird science material. They focus on mastering their inherited hair genes and potential boyfriends.

We are just sticking around for the inheritance but apparently my wastrel brother 'needs' that more.

BrimfulOfMash · 09/12/2023 20:29

Sadly if they treated your Dad poorly they were unlikely to become model grandparents.

Is your Dad in touch with them? What specifically was wrong with his childhood?

PersilPower · 09/12/2023 20:29

I think the posters who don’t get this, have no idea how confusing this kind of behaviour is for a child.

This could be my DHs parents. Talk incessantly about Jack, Joe, Polly and Molly who we don’t know; yet have zero clue about their own grandchildren. Tell their friends superficial information about the grandchildren, but enough to give the impression they’re ‘involved.’ DH visits with the kids once a year - they’re old enough now to see it for what it is. They get one phone call a year on their birthday. We’ve just accepted that they like to project an image of who they are which ultimately is fake, and most likely not what they want to be anyway.

Pelham678 · 09/12/2023 20:29

Pbjammy · 09/12/2023 17:58

@lunaticfringer Their side of the story is that they are wonderful, doting grandparents. I know that for a fact because it's what they tell people we know. They are deluded.

Sounds like they only do things for the glory, so they can preen in the limelight, not just out of love for their children or grandchildren.

It's very sad that there are so many of these uncaring people around. Why do they even bother to have children. They should just bask in their own 'charitable works' and remain childfree to avoid damaging a whole new generation.

Clar45 · 09/12/2023 20:33

FourteenTog · 09/12/2023 20:21

OP sounds indignant, not bitter. They treated her dad badly when he was little! It was up to them to reach out, do better, and make it up to their son and his kids. Her dad sounds wise in keeping her safely away from people who parented him badly. Safeguarding. The grandparents could have changed, shown remorse, become kinder. Sounds like they chose to give up on their own as a bad job. Then indulged themselves being praised for being nice to everyone but their own!

Edited
Show quote history

We don’t know what went on with their dad and if they were that bad why would they have changed and why would the OP now suddenly want to have anything to do with them?

Viviennemary · 09/12/2023 20:34

If my grandchildren thought we were tossers I wouldn't bother with them either. You sound horrible. So disrespectful.

Clar45 · 09/12/2023 20:35

Viviennemary · 09/12/2023 20:34

If my grandchildren thought we were tossers I wouldn't bother with them either. You sound horrible. So disrespectful.

Indeed, the GP will sense that’s what she thinks of them

MillarMountVandal · 09/12/2023 20:36

ThisIsNotThePostYourLookingFor · 09/12/2023 19:28

Your completely right OP they are tossers and I say that as someone who had a very loving grandparent.

As the adults it’s their job to stay in contact and build a relationship until you’re old enough to do so independently yourself free of your parents. If they don’t have that good a relationship with your parent then they should have made more of an effort with you and your sister when you were younger.

Thats much easier said than done. I dont like my sister, however I love my niece (my sister's daughter) dearly. My niece has always loved spending time with me and my family, but my sister has made my maintaining a relationship with my niece difficult (which, given my sister and mines poor relationship, I can understand - and I'd never do or say anything that'd mean coming between them).
I dont necessarily think the OP's grandparents are tossers, indeed they sound like good hearted people. Its likely the relationship with their son has impacted on their relationship with their grandkids. And I dont believe people 'owe' each other anything just because theyre related (I cringe when I hear people who've been treated like utter crap by family say "well hes still my son/daughter/brother" etc). Relationships arent built on a genetic link, theyre built on the time, emotion and effort you put in.

FKATondelayo · 09/12/2023 20:36

Yeah, they moved away when she was 7 and kept low contact because they sensed she thought they were tossers.

FourteenTog · 09/12/2023 20:38

@Clar45 Because people can change over time? Sometimes it happens!

Because OP keeps thinking about the situation as she gets older? It definitely happens that people think differently about family as they are closer to parenting age.

Ibizafun · 09/12/2023 20:43

ElevenSeven · 09/12/2023 18:07

Just tolerate them for an inheritance

Lovely.

Yup- that's probably what they think the annual visit is about. Wonder if you'd turn down an inheritance from these tossers??

Clar45 · 09/12/2023 20:44

PersilPower · 09/12/2023 20:29

I think the posters who don’t get this, have no idea how confusing this kind of behaviour is for a child.

This could be my DHs parents. Talk incessantly about Jack, Joe, Polly and Molly who we don’t know; yet have zero clue about their own grandchildren. Tell their friends superficial information about the grandchildren, but enough to give the impression they’re ‘involved.’ DH visits with the kids once a year - they’re old enough now to see it for what it is. They get one phone call a year on their birthday. We’ve just accepted that they like to project an image of who they are which ultimately is fake, and most likely not what they want to be anyway.

confusing for the children, only if you bring them up to believe their GP world should revolve around them? My DCs fantastic relationship with my DM is because she respects and admires my DM as totally her own person who has other friendships and interests and priorities. No she didn’t come to all her birthday parties as a child, as she wanted to be doing other things, that was our job as a parent. We never gave the impression that she should be there, it was our responsibility to make her feel special and make sure she had a great birthday. If we hadn’t been there then hell yes my DM would of been there to make sure our DD got a special birthday but as long as she was well taken care of she got on with her own life and why shouldn’t she. She’s there now for her birthdays as she knows how much it means to her personally as they have such a good relationship but as a kid it didn’t matter so much

LovedMyLastNameItHadToGo · 09/12/2023 20:49

Gosh OP this could be my Grandfather, trade union leader, fundraiser, full on pillar of the community. Meals for the homeless, going out to India making water wells. Sponsoring children through their education, supporting homeless people BUT at home he beat my Gran and my dad and his other kids my older uncle ran away at the age of 16!!! As a GFer he wasn’t interested in me as I was a girl, more into my brother.

My GFer had countless affairs. But literally everyone else held him on a pedastal as he did so much good for the community and abroad.

Clar45 · 09/12/2023 20:53

ThisIsNotThePostYourLookingFor · 09/12/2023 19:28

Your completely right OP they are tossers and I say that as someone who had a very loving grandparent.

As the adults it’s their job to stay in contact and build a relationship until you’re old enough to do so independently yourself free of your parents. If they don’t have that good a relationship with your parent then they should have made more of an effort with you and your sister when you were younger.

No it isn’t, they’re not the parents? If my DC went NC then I would happily have a relationship with the GC when adults if they were nice people but I wouldn’t try to be involved in the DCs family’s life if not welcome and respected. Completely different if a parent as is your responsibility to be involved, I would fight tooth and nail to stay involved in my child DCs life

PersilPower · 09/12/2023 20:54

@Clar45 you’re missing the point. The OPs situation and my husband’s and children’s, is that the GPs are also projecting an image that they are doting and involved.

tuttifuckinfruity · 09/12/2023 20:58

jenthehen · 09/12/2023 17:54

My parents are the same as your grandparents and my now adult children feel as you do. I completely understand how you feel. It’s actually very upsetting to listen to them being so involved with other random children unconnected to them. I tried desperately to involve them with my children whilst they were growing up; we live very close, but they showed virtually no interest. We now focus on our own little family. My parents spent Christmas alone last year. They brought it on themselves.

I've also come across people like this, although I'm not close enough to them to know why.

Do you know why your parents are like this?

I'm sorry they are like that. It must be so upsetting.

Ivymom · 09/12/2023 21:03

It’s time to match their efforts. If they are unpleasant to your children, expecting them to just sit there and only speak when spoken to, don’t take your children to visit. Stop wasting your Christmas visiting them. If you feel the need to visit, do so on a random, non holiday weekend.

tuttifuckinfruity · 09/12/2023 21:03

Pbjammy · 09/12/2023 18:10

Sorry there has been a misunderstanding here. They never visited us or made any effort with us as CHILDREN. They were simply not interested and kept us at arms length. Therefore we have grown into adults without any relationship with them at all. They have been invited to family events and things over the years and just never come or engage. Mostly because it involves spending money they dont want to. They treat my dad (their son) the same.
They continue to be completely disinterested in us.

Yes, I got this, I'm not sure why others didn't and are giving you a hard time.

You were children, it was up to them to build a relationship and they didn't.

I would just leave them to it, OP. It's on them, not you.

Clar45 · 09/12/2023 21:03

PersilPower · 09/12/2023 20:54

@Clar45 you’re missing the point. The OPs situation and my husband’s and children’s, is that the GPs are also projecting an image that they are doting and involved.

Yes because in an ideal world they wouldn’t have had such a difficult relationship with the father and it’s probably easier than bad mouthing him or them trying to explain that to every Tom Dick and Harry. We don’t know whose fault that difficult relationship stemmed from. I know people who were treated badly by parents and I know parents who were treated badly by their children and some parents/children just have personalities that don’t get on

tuttifuckinfruity · 09/12/2023 21:07

RedToothBrush · 09/12/2023 18:21

And how do you know it was THEM who created that distance and not your Dad?

You seem happy to place all the blame on them and expect them to do all the running around.

If your Dad's relationship with them was poor that doesn't stop you from making the effort to try and reconnect. You don't want to. So why should they make an effort either?

One way traffic.

Because the OP and her sister were CHILDREN.

WandaWonder · 09/12/2023 21:07

You are putting a lot of effort into people you have nothing good to say about

Just get on with on with your life

You don't like them or anything they do yet you are complaining about a lot you know about them, you have no interest in them but you know what they do

JudgeJ · 09/12/2023 21:07

Pbjammy · 09/12/2023 17:58

@lunaticfringer Their side of the story is that they are wonderful, doting grandparents. I know that for a fact because it's what they tell people we know. They are deluded.

Maybe you're 'deluded' describing them as 'tossers', they tell their version you tell your version, both are equally valid.

RedToothBrush · 09/12/2023 21:11

tuttifuckinfruity · 09/12/2023 21:07

Because the OP and her sister were CHILDREN.

Show quote history

What's this got to do with anything? They are adults now. They can make a choice to be more involved or to not be.

Sorry but it's still about two adult parties: the grandkids and the grandparents - in terms of relationships now.

There was a rift with my mother and grandmother for 30 years. I don't think my adult relationship with my grandmother was my mother's responsibility nor was it solely my grandmother's to repair.

MrsKeats · 09/12/2023 21:12

My husband's parents have not seen their grandchildren for years.
They live 20 miles away and there has been no falling out.
I find it utterly bizarre.

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