To think my grandparents are tossers

[Pbjammy]

Just trying to get my head around this. My remaining nan and grandad are in their mid 80s, live comfortably, generally in good health. They retired 2 hours away when I was 7 (I'm now mid 30s). Their contact with me and my sister since then has been sending birthday/Christmas cards each year with 'Happy Birthday/Christmas, love N&G.' They've never called, messaged or visited us once (they're very capable and tech savvy). They know absolutely nothing about us, other than what our jobs are and where we live. They genuinely never ask anything about our lives.

Yet they've always been volunteering with kids and young people in their local community. We just went to visit them for the first time in a year or so. They seem to know all the ins and outs of the lives of various young people's lives - they're hosting a Christmas lunch for the Scout group they used to run this weekend. My grandad was telling me all about an ex-Scout who is now at Oxford uni and how proud they are of him, as if they are part of the reason he's there?! Nan is also furiously knitting jumpers and socks for the new baby of their neighbour's kid, who they've known since he was born. Aibu to be angry about why did they/do they want nothing to do with their own grandkids? It's baffling. For context, my dad is their only child and they treated him poorly growing up.

While I think it works both ways in the sense you could also have stayed in contact with them - people live in ways which suit them. I know I find it harder to keep in contact by email / telephone. My dad has a lot of ASD traits and while he was a amazing at providing for us when we were growing up he did not interact with us much. When he retired he sponsored 15 children from underprivileged countries until they were adults and wrote to them regularly. My dad is a kind and generous man just struggles with emotional intimacy.

This is really sad for you, your family sound dysfunctional & I wouldn't visit them, let them feel the distance it might or might not change things but I think if you're upset with them you with need to show them or tell them.

Why do you visit them then? I don’t get it

They never visited us or made any effort with us as CHILDREN. They were simply not interested and kept us at arms length. Therefore we have grown into adults without any relationship with them at all
I wonder what their side of this would be?
What part did your dad play in this lack of a relationship?

As usual, MN has them diagnosed 🙄 but perhaps the efforts they make in their own community is their way of making up for not being invited to be a part of their own family's lives. Maybe they don't know how to behave now that their grown grandchildren make their once a year, or so, duty visit? Knowing it's likely to be to ensure they are kept in the will. Unless, of course, you are clueless enough to not realise they will be able to feel/sense/know how you really feel about them?
Who knows? Certainly not the people with half a story 🤷‍♀️

They sound like narcissists. Everything they do needs to be known about and praised, hence their involvement in their local community and desire to present themselves as doting grandparents when they are nothing of the sort.

My friends dad was like this, worked with troubled children in the community, kindness and compassion in abundance. If my friend put a foot wrong as a child he'd scream at him and berate him, stop speaking to him for days. It was all about the image and not real.

Try not to give them too much of your headspace, their loss

Some parents/grandparents are shit, not sure why everyone is jumping on you OP thinking you had some sort of bigger part in this. Why would the OP be falling over herself to be in constant contact if the relationship as a child wasn't particularly loving or interested. Sorry OP it can't feel good but focus on the relationships you have that do feel more balanced

Why only one annual visit at Christmas , why not in the summer? Don't suppose it has anything to do with any presents they may have for you?

Some families just aren't close. Think about a generation who were born in the 40s and 50s (or earlier) and what their relationship would have been like with their grandparents who had perhaps been born in 1900s or potentially earlier. Family relationships were often much more formal/distant due to a Victorian upbringing. If they are replicating that, it's not so odd to think about.

My maternal grandmother was born in 1928. She was one of thirteen. Her father was born in 1879. He was one of eight. And her grandfather was born in 1829!

The expectations of what the grandparent / grandchild relationship should be like is different to what it was for many.

There are plenty of grandparents who think they've raised their kids so that's their job done and it's their time now. Tbh I don't think there is anything necessarily wrong with that. I hope that's not the case for me and D's and any kids he has but I'm not going to hold it against others.

It is what it is.

Make the most of what you've got, or make an effort to change or learn to move on from it without expectations.

Some people care about how they're perceived, so being very involved in the community is good for their image and is known about, whereas being involved with you as kids would have been less 'seen'.

Sounds like textbook communal narcissism - I agree that it is surprisingly common.

Emotional intimacy I think is something that tends to be learned and is cultural. Some people have never had it so it's harder for them to engage and pass it on to their own family. It doesn't mean they are narcissistic or selfish. It's just not something they have learnt or have experienced or whatever.

I realise that some families are not close.
The older generations often suddenly need/expect help don't they?
It's very sad imho.

Any relationship takes effort on both parts. You complain that your GP’s are “tossers” because they don’t contact you. Do you make sure that you are there for them? How often do you make the effort to go round to make sure they’re ok? What was your parents relationship with your GP like?

Sounds like altruistic narcissism and you're not the feed perhaps.

If my grandchildren think I’m a tosser I shall be wondering where I went wrong, not automatically pointing the finger of blame towards them or my DC.

I get on really well with my DSes and my DILs and have no reason to think that will change when our grandchild is born in the next few weeks. However a relationship is a two way thing. Roads go two ways, phones work both ways, as does FaceTime, etc. You can’t expect for one party to do all the running in a relationship because it will cause friction.

I do know that if I started volunteering in a nursery then told DS2 and DDIL I couldn’t spend time with the baby or do any babysitting they’d be very hurt so I wouldn’t do it. They’re my priority. Always.

Reading all the comments and thinking about this...

I was very lucky and had a great Nan.

However.....she was guilty of banging on about people I didn't know, and comparing me to them unfavourably. She made me feel like shit quite a lot actually. My achievements were never as good as her neighbours / friends grandkids etc.

Also, she never visited us. I saw her a lot because my mum visited twice weekly and I always went with her. But Nan never made the effort to visit us.

She died when I was late 20s. She had never visited my flat because it was 3rd floor with no lift. She was in bad health and would have struggled with the stairs and I didn't think anything of this until my sister pointed out that she been talking about visiting a friends granddaughters flat on the 4th floor (also no lift).

From around late teens it irked me that she would go to what seemed like unnecessary effort for people she didn't really know.

This is bringing back a lot of those feelings.

I am now wondering if my mum hadn't taken me up twice a week all through my childhood / teens, and if I hadn't get it up in my 20s....how much would I have seen her?

I think what a pp said is correct as regards my Nan: she liked the adoration that came with doing things for others as it was "above and beyond". She didn't seem to get anything out of making an effort with us, so she didn't really.

Wtaf am I reading from some posters?? This isn’t your fault op, please ignore those who are placing the blame at your feet because you only visit once a year or so.

Yes, the adult grandchild only visits her grandparents infrequently- BECAUSE THEY SPENT THE YEARS WHEN SHE WAS A CHILD NOT GIVING A SHIT THEMSELVES! That was the time when they should have been stepping up to maintain a relationship They didn’t. And as such OP doesn’t have a close relationship with them now she is an adult. How is this so hard to understand!?

yanbu. It’s crap and im sure it must really hurt, seeing them be so involved with other young peopleS lives, when they didn’t make the effort with their own grandchildren. Your feelings are valid and you are not responsible for this.

Are you concerned about your relationship with them or worried about your inheritance?

You expect elderly grandparents in their EIGHTIES to travel 2 hours there & 2 hours back, to see their young, adult grandchildren?!?!?!?!?! Wow. Breathtaking

Yes they sound like absolute tossers who are only interested in cultivating their public image. Let me guess they were terrible parents / possibly narcissistic?

You can’t expect to ignore someone for years as a child then have a fantastic relationship with them as an adult without some type of consequence. She doesn’t say they were NC just LC so the GC’s could have very easily kept great contact.

Gosh I know, what was red riding hood doing walking through a dangerous wood taking cakes to her grandma, poor grandma would of been expected to be dragging herself with a gift of cakes to their house these days 🤦🏻‍♀️

They’re hardly going to want to go round to their DS house if he didn’t have a great relationship with them

I don’t believe people owe anyone a relationship either just because they are related and not speaking to a relative does make things more difficult but I still believe it’s the adult in the relationships job to maintain contact and not the child’s as some posters said in the opening comments.

My parents (my kids grandparents) are also tossers OP. They never made any effort with my children even though they lived only a few miles away. They haven’t even met my 4 youngest and have never met their 4 great grandsons. They moved away about 15 years ago (without telling me) and I haven’t seen or heard from them since. If I were you I’d cut my losses. They’re never going to change into the loving grandparents you want them to be so I wouldn’t even bother visiting anymore. It’s shit I know but I think you’re wasting your time.