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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset the man I'm dating has just told me he's moving?

280 replies

Celia24 · 09/12/2023 10:11

I knew him for 1.5 years as an online friend and we grew to like each other a lot. Once he realised I was single recently he pursued and asked me out straight away.

Our two dates have been wonderful. Hours fly by, I feel happy, safe, respected, interesting and attractive when we're together.

He's the best man I've met for years & the first that has ticked all my boxes as a partner. Already we've talked about both wanting marriage & kids and the type of home/place we'd like to live. I'm 32, he's 30.

Anyway - this morning he tells me he has to move to a city 3 hours away in England by May (we're in Scotland now). He is a professor and 'needs' to go where the contracts send him.

I'm so surprised by the news I just don't know what to say. It would be typical for me to meet the potentially right guy and he's moving! In theory my job is mostly remote and moveable but it's too soon to talk about that.

OP posts:
Tandora · 09/12/2023 14:55

What are people talking about and why is “needs” to move in inverted commas? Yes, these days, as an early career academic you do generally have to be very mobile and take positions wherever you can get them. It sucks for your OP, but it’s his career and you’ve only just started dating 🤷🏼‍♀️

Lovemusic82 · 09/12/2023 14:58

You could carry on seeing him? See how things go? 3 hours away isn’t that bed, he could still see you at weekends (you could meet half way or have a weekend away together once a month), if things continue to go well you could eventually move?

I met someone a few years ago that I had huge chemistry with, dated him for a few months but then he took a job in the city. I was very upset too so I just ended things, he tried to tell me he would see me at weekends but I have dc so it would have been very tricky to fit into each others time tables. Looking back I think I made the right choice and he probably wasn’t the right person for me anyway. If you do decide to end it, you will get over it, but surely it’s worth just seeing if it will work?

betterangels · 09/12/2023 15:01

DrMarshaFieldstone · 09/12/2023 10:27

YANBU to be disappointed. YABU to describe a postdoc as a professor as the nature of their work, and how mobile they have to be, is very very different.

I’m mystified by the pp who immediately assumed he was lying about moving. There’s zero evidence of that.

All of this. I wouldn't assume he's lying either.

Scirocco · 09/12/2023 15:04

It's pretty normal in some academic fields to move around a bit for work. If he's told you about an upcoming move after 2 dates, that doesn't seem unreasonable. It sounds like he's been pretty open about it, actually.

I work in a field where there can be a lot of travelling required and I've known married couples working at opposite ends of the country and making things work, so perhaps my view on what constitutes significantly long distance is skewed, but 3 hours doesn't seem insurmountable to me. If you like him and he likes you, why not just carry on getting to know each other and see what happens?

It sounds like you've fallen pretty hard for him, though, to be thinking about moving to be with him and talking about children after only 2 dates. Make sure you're not setting yourself up to be hurt - keep reminding yourself that this is very early days and still getting to know each other.

ModestMoon · 09/12/2023 15:09

I'm an academic too and 30 isn't young to be a
postdoc. But it's normal to move, across countries as well. All my academic friends start off with a series of postdoc conteacts, anything between 2 months and 3 years. In academia it's so normal to move in the early years that everyone assumes that nothing is permanent. Maybe he forgot that it's a quirk of his profession and not the norm.

Echobelly · 09/12/2023 15:12

I don't think someone can necessarily be expected to put their job on hold after two dates, even really good ones? Nor to tell someone they've just started dating that a move is on the cards. It sucks, but there it is.

justasking111 · 09/12/2023 15:13

My DS had two dates with a lovely girl then went abroad for work. For three years they were often on different continents. They then married and were still living like this. It's different now that they have a family. It's doable if it's right

LBFseBrom · 09/12/2023 15:20

Celia24 · 09/12/2023 10:20

I know @LycheeBaby

I just like him so much and don't know what to do. 🙁i guess so! He works in academia and also teaches.

You can do nothing else but accept it, Celia. Try to keep things light until he goes. Who knows, once he moves he may make a big effort to come up to see you often, also ask you to travel to him but - he may not. It could just fizzle out.

After two dates, despite having chatted online for longer, you don't owe each other anything. It's a shame as he seems to tick the boxes for you but there are other fish in the sea. Keep your options open, have some fun and good luck.

Hankunamatata · 09/12/2023 15:50

Iv live in a few locations due to dh work. I never viewed it as following him even when we were libing togther before marriage. His work requires him to move, mine is flexible and I can move it relatively easily.

We chatted befire marriage and he said he would give up his line of work and find setting stable once we decided the time was right for kids. Which he did.
Relationships are compromise. You just need to be honest with each other and have good communication

inamarina · 09/12/2023 15:54

ChanelNo19EDT · 09/12/2023 13:09

You need to urgently relegate him. I agree that even if he doesn't move, he's letting you down gently, or he's relegating you and letting you know either way, I'm not The One. I'm not YOUR one.

DOn't get your heart broken. I met this south african guy in the queue to get passports renewed in the Irish embassy in 1995 our eyes met and sparks flew, and he told me even before he told me his name that he would be moving back to south africa. It was literally the first piece of information he gave me. I was DEVASTATED when he left London about 13 months later. Very outing that, but it's one of the things I'd do differently If I got a second chance. He was nice and all but there were other guys out there. It was only a year of my life but it took a few years to recover FULLY

Moving from Scotland to a place in England three hours away is not the same as from England to South Africa though…

Xztop · 09/12/2023 16:01

This happened with my partner, he is in the army and got posted 300 miles away. We make it work, I see him every other weekend and we take holiday from work at the same time. It can work if you both put in the effort

TempleMeads · 09/12/2023 16:03

hsapposhit · 09/12/2023 10:59

YABU to call him a professor when he's a postdoc. Why did you do that? Bigging him up? Huge difference between a professor and a postdoc.
Postdocs are at the mercy of contracts and can end up anywhere as they need to work at a university which is researching the same field - so it's not a case of he can go anywhere where there is a chemistry department for example. If his field is, say, solid state catalysis he will need to go to a department which is researching that AND has an available contract. It's not easy.

I think this is all too much for two dates:
He's the best man I've met for years & the first that has ticked all my boxes as a partner. Already we've talked about both wanting marriage & kids and the type of home/place we'd like to live. I'm 32, he's 30
You don't really know what he is like even though you were friends online before. The marriage/kids conversation is also theoretical - it doesn't mean he wants them with YOU. It means it's something he wants generally.
You need to get to know each other much better before you can even think about things like this.

It's all too much drama. You could continue dating him to see if he really is as good as you currently think he is. You'll have to have a conversation with him about it though. 3 hours is workable if there's really something in it. But I think you should proceed with caution - you seem far too invested already for something that's just 2 dates.

I doubt she was ‘bigging him up’. Most people outside of academia don’t know the difference and couldn’t care less.

readsalotgirl63 · 09/12/2023 16:04

On my first date with now DH he told me he would be leaving in a couple of months as he'd been posted overseas(forces). I thought well I'll have a nice evening and see where it goes - if nothing else I'll have a bit of fun for a few weeks.
33 years later .... Still having a good time 😃

readsalotgirl63 · 09/12/2023 16:08

Should say - we were long distance for about a year and then married the following year. By the time he left I was pretty sure he was "the one" and once he'd been away a couple of months he realised that he didnt want us to be apart.

Original poster
Celia24 · 09/12/2023 17:29

Oh wow thanks for everyones insights.

I know it's early days but of course I'm disappointed. My ideal would be to have a man in my city with me. At the same time, I know I'm not fixed on staying in this country.

But my family is here & most of my friends and hobbies. I'm happy and I'm a successful person in my own right. Am I the type to follow a man round, if it's to the detriment of my life? On the other hand, being an author has become more mobile & as for my actual job that can be very flexible.

It's early days and I don't want to get into some serious discussion about this over Whatsapp.

But I still feel I want to express my surprise. On the one hand, I want to ask him if he is dating 'for now'/until he leaves in a way, or if he's looking for a serious relationship. Neither of us can really know yet, can we? We have feelings for each other but it's so early.

A PP said there's more fish in the sea. I've dated on & off casually for years but this is the first person I've felt something real with since last DP. Will it last beyond May? I don't know yet. But I feel in my heart its worth continuing to date and see how it plays out.

Maybe my own feelings about what I'm willing to do/the life i'd be open to having will become clearer. Or maybe we'll be sick of each other by May as some suggested :)

OP posts:
Ebokebok · 09/12/2023 17:38

ChekhovsMum · 09/12/2023 10:25

‘Thanks for letting me know. I don’t need to read far between the lines to see that this is obviously the end of things for us. I’m disappointed that you didn’t think this should be a face to face conversation. However, if this is how you break news like that then I’m at least relieved we didn’t get to the point of having kids like you suggested! I hope your life works out as you want it.’

aaaaaand block like hell.

Jesus alive, do not send this. It's bloody bonkers. You've had 2 dates. He owes you nothing and definitely not a face to face conversation. Christ, if some bloke sent me a text like this after 2 dates, I'd be moving much sooner than intended.

Original poster
Celia24 · 09/12/2023 17:40

I'm not sure I agree he owes 'nothing'. Maybe not much but nothing?

We've been on two dates but he's called/contacted me more or less every day since the last date. I don't think I'd want to keep doing that with someone that wasn't open to a potential future together if things go well.

OP posts:
Xmasblues · 09/12/2023 17:42

But I still feel I want to express my surprise. On the one hand, I want to ask him if he is dating 'for now'/until he leaves in a way, or if he's looking for a serious relationship. Neither of us can really know yet, can we? We have feelings for each other but it's so early.

I don’t think he can answer these questions because he just doesn’t know.

You need to decide whether you want to carry on seeing him and risk getting very attached and then either end things in may, have a long distance relationship or move.

Tbh I think you’re massively overthinking this.

It’s very possible to still have a relationship if he moves 3 hours away, especially when you’re in a more serious relationship and can stay at each others or meet in the middle on the weekends.

Just go with the flow and have fun in the meantime.
See how you both feel in may and then go from there.

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 09/12/2023 17:44

SwingTheMonkey · 09/12/2023 14:39

About 95% of the thread is absolute bollocks.

I particularly enjoyed the poster who recently scolded OP for wanting this man to ‘drop everything for her’ - particularly when she doesn’t even know the difference between a professor and a post doc (the horror!).

So much absolute shite, just made up by pp’s!

Show quote history

@SwingTheMonkey that was me so if you CBA to quote it then don’t bother!

I’m only going on what OP has posted here plus my own and friends experiences. I don’t really GAF with what happens here…

And yes, at 32 which is OP’s age it’s quite easy (I wasn’t the only person to comment on the fact she didn’t know difference) to google the difference between a professor and a post doc, especially as OP seeks educated and worldly.

allmyliesaretrue · 09/12/2023 17:45

In my opinion, you're overthinking this.

He's given you an 'out' if you're not comfortable with a relationship which has the potential to become long distance.

I'd go with the flow. You've another 6 months until May. See how it goes.

allmyliesaretrue · 09/12/2023 17:46

Xmasblues · 09/12/2023 17:42

But I still feel I want to express my surprise. On the one hand, I want to ask him if he is dating 'for now'/until he leaves in a way, or if he's looking for a serious relationship. Neither of us can really know yet, can we? We have feelings for each other but it's so early.

I don’t think he can answer these questions because he just doesn’t know.

You need to decide whether you want to carry on seeing him and risk getting very attached and then either end things in may, have a long distance relationship or move.

Tbh I think you’re massively overthinking this.

It’s very possible to still have a relationship if he moves 3 hours away, especially when you’re in a more serious relationship and can stay at each others or meet in the middle on the weekends.

Just go with the flow and have fun in the meantime.
See how you both feel in may and then go from there.

Cross-posted - but totally agree with you!

betterangels · 09/12/2023 17:46

You're overthinking this massively after two days and texting. He hasn't gone anywhere yet. See how it turns out. It might not even be an issue by the time he moves. Either you're not together, or you decide whether you want to be in a LDR.

betterangels · 09/12/2023 17:47

Crossposting with a few.

Xmasblues · 09/12/2023 17:50

allmyliesaretrue · 09/12/2023 17:45

In my opinion, you're overthinking this.

He's given you an 'out' if you're not comfortable with a relationship which has the potential to become long distance.

I'd go with the flow. You've another 6 months until May. See how it goes.

I completely agree.

Original poster
Celia24 · 09/12/2023 17:51

I suppose what I'm getting at - I don't need to know how things are going to develop. We don't know.

But if he's thinking 'oh I'll just date Celia until I leave', then I'd want to know that up front. I understood we were both dating for long term and I think I just want a bit of clarification around what we're both looking for.

OP posts: