To be upset the man I'm dating has just told me he's moving?

[Celia24]

I knew him for 1.5 years as an online friend and we grew to like each other a lot. Once he realised I was single recently he pursued and asked me out straight away.

Our two dates have been wonderful. Hours fly by, I feel happy, safe, respected, interesting and attractive when we're together.

He's the best man I've met for years & the first that has ticked all my boxes as a partner. Already we've talked about both wanting marriage & kids and the type of home/place we'd like to live. I'm 32, he's 30.

Anyway - this morning he tells me he has to move to a city 3 hours away in England by May (we're in Scotland now). He is a professor and 'needs' to go where the contracts send him.

I'm so surprised by the news I just don't know what to say. It would be typical for me to meet the potentially right guy and he's moving! In theory my job is mostly remote and moveable but it's too soon to talk about that.

Then you need to speak to him. If you're going to last then communication is what'll matter most.

I think it’s fine to ask him these things but I don’t know if he’ll have an answer.

Its only been 2 dates and although he obviously likes you, he won’t know how he’s going to feel in a few weeks time.

He could also lie and say he wants to keep on seeing you and then drop you in May.

But perhaps just ask him and see what he says.

I can imagine he’ll say something along the lines of - he likes you very much and wants to keep seeing you until May and then if things are going well, keep the relationship going.

But I think you also need to think about what you want to do.
You say you don’t want to move (fair enough).
And you want a man in the same city and not a long distance one.

Tbh it sounds like you’ve already made your mind up that you’re not happy with this situation.

^I suppose what I'm getting at - I don't need to know how things are going to develop. We don't know.

But if he's thinking 'oh I'll just date Celia until I leave', then I'd want to know that up front. I understood we were both dating for long term and I think I just want a bit of clarification around what we're both looking for.^

You're going to have to ask him! You've been friends for 1.5 years, surely you can have a conversation about this? I get that this is disappointing, but 3 hours isn't all that large a distance in the grand scheme of things.

@Xmasblues I'm open to moving for the right relationship. I work remotely with one day a week spent in another city.

Having checked that city is actually between our cities. Not bad at all.

I suppose I just don't know if I should ask him this now? Or wait until he's back in early Jan? To continue on with calls and messages until then with no clarity might be hard for me.

Then again - maybe I just leave it. And bring it up when we see each other next. I've had fun dating him and although I do want clarity, it should still be fun dating!

We did long distance.. is this something he wants to do? Will there be plans for your to move together? We moved countries for each other both.

Although I think most advice on MN is wise, OP, bear in mind that a lot of posters are very cynical and man hating, which although a lot of the time is perfectly justified, can lead to people jumping to the wildest of conclusions and being perpetually suspicious of male motives, so perhaps not the best place to ask on this occasion!

I think I’m a pretty level headed person and to me it seems like he’s beginning to like you and has decided because of that, it’s better to be upfront now and see what you think about it? I’d have a casual discussion with him about it, just ask him if this means he doesn’t want to see you anymore? See what he says and that will tell you all you need to know.

I’ll do what I like regarding quoting or not, thanks. I don’t need your permission!

Your comment was too ridiculous not to mention, tbh - I just couldn’t be bothered to go back and find your name. It doesn’t matter a jot whether the guy is a professor or not for the context of the thread. Just because you and a handful of idiots derailed the thread by fixating on it, doesn’t make the comment any less so. And making out OP was insisting the guy throw everything away to stay with her? She’s not suggested anything of the sort.

Why make stuff up?

Because you’re not sure whether to ask him or not then I’d wait until you’re sure.

And I’d probably wait until he’s back in January anyway because it’s not long to go but it gives you chance to think it through, and possibly ask him in person?

If it’s constantly on your mind though, it may be worth just asking asap and getting it over and done with.

There’s absolutely no harm in asking him now or in Jan, but I’m not sure the answer is going to be very helpful.
I can’t see him saying that he just wants to date you until May and then end things.

I do hope things work out, as you’ve been getting to know each other for a long time but only time will tell.
I would just have fun in the meantime.

Read over the thread again. Made me feel a bit more optimistic for everyone who made a similar scenario work! And also a reminder to take it easy for now.

I think I've come up with something good/measured I can say to him. Agree it's best to keep it light in the coming months because we'll likely have more clarity if things grow (or don't).

Why pull stuff up if it’s irrelevant?

You've only had two dates?!

@Celia24 I'd be interested to know how this move came into conversation. Based on what you've said so far I think it's entirely possible he also wants to know if this is a deal-breaker for you before going forward.

Urgh. Because, a pp had said how ridiculous the replies had been, for the most part. So I agreed with them and semi-quoted the most ridiculous reply, who had berated op for not knowing the difference between a couple of different university positions most people would have no idea about, as an example of said ridiculousness.

That ok?

@Yellowishes I was talking about an event happening in the city next year. He talked about definitely going before May, I said why before May and just like that...its because he's leaving.

I'm glad he told me now. Id have been annoyed if we were many months down the road and then it came out.

I did LDR before. I was the one who left for my career. Ex DP cheated on me towards the end of it. They aren't easy but they're doable if you have a sort of plan/endpoint in mind and mutually strong commitment. I wouldn't do it without those starting points.

A professor at 30. Blimey, he's doing well for himself, int he? marry him

Got you. That's a bit of a weird way of letting you know. Maybe just absent minded.

He's not a professor, the OP just used the wrong word. He's a postdoc.

I would just wait until you see him again, I’m sure the topic will come up and then I would just ask something like, ‘and would you be open to something long distance’ but try to ask as casually as possible! If he’s not a time waster he will not mind and you will get an answer either way.

Obviously we don’t know all the details here, but I’d be very worried about the poor communication. He’s been talking to you every day, but only today he told you that he “has to” move in May? To get a new post doc position, you have to go through the stages of:

• Being aware that your current contract ends soon
• Searching for new jobs
• Applying for jobs
• Attending at least one interview

I appreciate you’ve only had 2 dates, but you say you’ve been in contact daily and talking about the future. But he never mentioned any of this? 🚩

@Katastrophic no he hasn't mentioned it before now.

Maybe he didn't want to drop in such a clanger before we even knew if we liked each other?

I know what you're saying though. He's asked for a sort of daily investment from me in a way without telling me up front off the bat. Hasn't gone unnoticed.

Why is a 3 hour journey impossible these days it's nothing lol. Hubby and I did a little more than that for 6 months and now we are married with 4 kids lol

After just two dates, he owes you nothing!

Yes @Ladyj84 I'm sure where there's a will there's a way when if it's going to work out 🙂

2 dates
3 hours away
5 more months
You work remote

The biggest problem here is that you are do invested after dates. Just give it time, see what happens. If it's going somewhere you will have a better idea over time.

May is ages away, you’ve got months to make a decision.

I started dating my OH in August (years ago), he moved in the October and I followed in the February.