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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset the man I'm dating has just told me he's moving?

280 replies

Celia24 · 09/12/2023 10:11

I knew him for 1.5 years as an online friend and we grew to like each other a lot. Once he realised I was single recently he pursued and asked me out straight away.

Our two dates have been wonderful. Hours fly by, I feel happy, safe, respected, interesting and attractive when we're together.

He's the best man I've met for years & the first that has ticked all my boxes as a partner. Already we've talked about both wanting marriage & kids and the type of home/place we'd like to live. I'm 32, he's 30.

Anyway - this morning he tells me he has to move to a city 3 hours away in England by May (we're in Scotland now). He is a professor and 'needs' to go where the contracts send him.

I'm so surprised by the news I just don't know what to say. It would be typical for me to meet the potentially right guy and he's moving! In theory my job is mostly remote and moveable but it's too soon to talk about that.

OP posts:
Grimbelina · 09/12/2023 13:21

This all seems rather dramatic, you have had a few dates, you seem very compatible in terms of longer term goals, he has to move with his job... so surely you just carry on dating, at a distance if necessary, and you see how things shape up. I wouldn't assume he was 'love bombing' or trying to let you down etc.

I ended up being offered an amazing opportunity in another European country quite early on in my relationship with DH. He was excited for me and came over to visit roughly every three weeks for the six months I was there. We had a great time exploring another city. You will only be three hours away, it's nothing!

Ramalangadingdong · 09/12/2023 13:26

You sound like I used to be - I used to fantasise about my future with him as soon as I met a man who seemed half suitable. However in reality you have only been on two dates. He isn’t interested and you shouldn’t be either.

Ardith · 09/12/2023 13:39

YANBU to be upset, that is bad luck on the timing.

YABU to be friends with someone for 1.5 yrs before progressing to having a date.

YABU to discuss marriage and houses within first couple of dates, that’s a bit red flaggy / love bomby.

YABU if you end the relationship over this. Moving 3 hrs away is nothing! When I met DH we were long distance for the first 6 years, sometimes in different countries! Just meet in the middle: a 90 minute drive for both of you. Easy peasy.

DoDoDoD · 09/12/2023 13:40

Eleganz · 09/12/2023 13:10

No you wouldn't use the title professor, but one would say that you were an assistant or associate professor at X uni and someone who wasn't familiar with academic titles could easily say that you are a professor on a Mumsnet post. It really isn't that hard to figure it out.

Example from Oxford for the MN snobs btw:
https://www.jobs.ac.uk/job/DER704/associate-professor-of-materials?utm_campaign=google_jobs_apply&utm_source=google_jobs_apply&utm_medium=organic

Edited
Show quote history

It’s also not that hard to figure out that just because a university decides to use the word professor in the title it doesn’t mean they are a professor and there’s a big distinction between assistant prof (lecturer in most institutions) and Professor! I wasn’t addressing the OP

Hayliebells · 09/12/2023 13:40

His story sounds genuine to me, this is the reality of postdoc life. I did it, and me and my boyfriend at the time continued with a long distance relationship (we're still together 20 years later and are now married). I eventually switched career to something more stable, I did not want to continue moving every few years. Maybe continue a long distance relationship and see what happens? I had fellow postdoc colleagues whose partners followed them all over the world, often with young kids in tow, before they eventually settled down somewhere. Colleagues lived in some interesting places, I was particularly jealous of the couple who moved to Sweden and had babies there. Be mindful though that unless, like I did, he leaves academia, he is going to be moving regularly for a while. He won't necessarily get to choose where he goes and where he settles if he is lucky enough to get a permanent position. Think about whether that suits you if you were to stay together.

Prisonbreak · 09/12/2023 13:42

My man and me were 4.5 hours apart when we met. Stayed that was for 4 years until we got a place together. Been together 11 years now so it can work. However talk of marriage and kids etc after 2 dates would have me running for the hills

LuckySantangelo35 · 09/12/2023 13:43

I wouldn’t curtail a career opportunity for
someone I had only been on two dates with. Not sure what you’re expecting OP 🤷‍♀️@Celia24

Sodapop1 · 09/12/2023 13:53

This happened to me quite a bit when I was dating, if you’re fairly young and ambitious and looking for the same inevitably single people will be more mobile in their work and might have opportunities in the pipeline when you meet. Has he actually mentioned if he’d like to continue seeing you? I found some men weren’t really interested in anything long distance anyway and it was a sign they didn’t want anything serious yet. If he’s up for it I guess you need to decide if you want to make the effort to keep dating. You may find it fizzles out anyway or that you like him more and more and reevaluate where you live.

ChilliCheeser · 09/12/2023 13:59

3 hours is not far away

Do you both drive ?
Or can you get train or bus ?

Why can't you meet up at weekends ?

TheEverlovingFork · 09/12/2023 13:59

This is a mad level of intensity for two dates. I get that you've known each other for longer than that so that colours how much you feel you know someone, but it's very early days still.

Three hours is easily manageable if you both still want it IN SIX MONTH'S TIME. Entire relationships start, middle and end in six months sometimes, some never get beyond the casual dating stage, you don't even know what this is yet - why so much angst?

Topseyt123 · 09/12/2023 14:07

I don't think he's done anything wrong. He's told you what his situation is several months in advance so he's hardly sprung it on you at the last minute. That seems pretty fair to me as it gives you a chance to see how things go and start to plan if necessary.

I'm in the "see how things go" camp. There's a whole lot of projecting going on on this thread, from people who know neither party but are convinced that they know exactly what is going on.

EmlynRebel · 09/12/2023 14:07

I agree with pps - just stay in touch and see how it goes.

You may have a nice new friend either way, especially as you know each other via Twitter and it may be a good networking or social thing if you can visit him at his next university.

I wouldn't go exclusive unless he initiates or you know each other better.

Just out of interest- is he the guy you posted about who cancelled the initial planned date due to having to "support his friend in Belgium at a funeral"?

Might be a one-off, but I'd be a little wary just in case he's one of those guys who has a "very overwhelming" social group and sees new dates and women he's sleeping with as secondary to the needs of this social group.

Make sure you're not just the sex and comfort person and he would support YOU too if needed in the non convenient stuff and times.

ThomasinaLivesHere · 09/12/2023 14:09

I don’t think anyone’s done anything wrong. I’d ask him if he still wants to continue things and see how things go. 3 hours isn’t that much if you want to spend weekends together. Some responses are so dramatic.

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 09/12/2023 14:12

I can’t understand why you didn’t meet up sooner rather than spend so much time chatting. Chatting online is very different to spending time together and 2 dates is nothing to get to know someone. How do you even know if you’re compatible physically?

I agree with others 3 hours away is nothing and see how it goes after 6 months.

Interesting what @EmlynRebel says too.

I hate to say it but at your age and relationship stage I’d date a few others too.

ThomasinaLivesHere · 09/12/2023 14:14

OP mentions that she’s recently single hence why they never dated before.

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 09/12/2023 14:18

ThomasinaLivesHere · 09/12/2023 14:09

I don’t think anyone’s done anything wrong. I’d ask him if he still wants to continue things and see how things go. 3 hours isn’t that much if you want to spend weekends together. Some responses are so dramatic.

OP is the one feeling dramatic it seems here, she seems to want things on her terms, no distance, doesn’t even know the difference between a professor and post doc and seems to expect him to drop everything for her. Yes, I get that at her age she probably wants to get moving and be in a proper relationship and thinking long term about kid and marriage but a lot of men I’ve known (not just boyfriends, friends boyfriends are quite happy at certain ages/stages to let a relationship drift, put off marriage and kids until they’re ready. I’ve seen this so many times! Or they have a lovely relationship and get cold feet when it gets serious. I’m not saying OP’s romantic interest is like this but it’s an awful lot for her to put on him at this stage. If he likes her great, but many men would run a mile.

Barnowlsandbluebells · 09/12/2023 14:18

OP you are far too over invested in this person - a couple of weeks ago you were posting about him going silent after your first date.

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 09/12/2023 14:22

ThomasinaLivesHere · 09/12/2023 14:14

OP mentions that she’s recently single hence why they never dated before.

@ThomasinaLivesHere that’s almost worse if that’s the case!

So she’s recently single but has been chatting to this man, generally if you chat to another man you’re not just exchanging recipes, both of you know there’s some form of attraction here. And she suddenly goes all dramatic when he may have to move for work. If I were the new man, I’d be worried she’s moved on from her last relationship quite quickly, but also had me on the back burner while she was dating him. Did marriage and kids not work out with the ex so is this what she mostly wants from the new man?

Sofita90 · 09/12/2023 14:24

I think you are in a rush. You don't know him well could be till May you decide you don't match. What I would advice is you enjoy the relationship you just started ( if he considers it one ) and when may comes you can date for some month on distance with you staying with him for a week at a time till you decide if it is serious enough for you to move in together. What you need to clarify is if he is willing to have a distance relationship for some period in case you are still growing strong by may.

SophiaElizabethGrace · 09/12/2023 14:27

Jesus wept.

I feel like we should scrap this entire thread and responses so that the OP can post it again. People can then read it properly, not make huuuuuge assumptions and stop with the professor/associate/Dr/post doc bollocks. It doesn't fecking matter. Honestly. This site is becoming more and more unusable. 🙄

Niallig32839 · 09/12/2023 14:36

After 2 dates and he has told you that in 5/6 months time he needs to move for his career is fair enough to me. You can decide to carry on and see where the relationship goes and if long distance works or decide to quit while your ahead and not continue the relationship or it might end before then anyway. After 2 dates it really could go any way as it’s very early days

justasking111 · 09/12/2023 14:37

At this stage in his career he is going to be bouncing around. We treat our professors badly in the UK

OP just needs to chill three hours away isn't bad.

SwingTheMonkey · 09/12/2023 14:39

SophiaElizabethGrace · 09/12/2023 14:27

Jesus wept.

I feel like we should scrap this entire thread and responses so that the OP can post it again. People can then read it properly, not make huuuuuge assumptions and stop with the professor/associate/Dr/post doc bollocks. It doesn't fecking matter. Honestly. This site is becoming more and more unusable. 🙄

About 95% of the thread is absolute bollocks.

I particularly enjoyed the poster who recently scolded OP for wanting this man to ‘drop everything for her’ - particularly when she doesn’t even know the difference between a professor and a post doc (the horror!).

So much absolute shite, just made up by pp’s!

YoullCatchYourDeathInTheFog · 09/12/2023 14:54

To answer your actual question OP.

No you're not unreasonable to be disappointed. Lovely blokes who you fancy and who fancy you aren't so common that you should be indifferent to one of them "emigrating".

I don't even think you're unreasonable to have got your hopes up that he might possibly be The One. It's only been two dates, but you've known him a while: a bit of romantic expectation is normal as long as you don't let it get out of control.

But May is a long way away. Keep dating, enjoy yourself in the meantime and see how you feel in April. If you're still really keen on each other then alternating weekends would be entirely possible with a three hour travel distance.

Oblomov23 · 09/12/2023 14:55

He's letting you down. But that's the norm after only 2 dates. If he was a year in and really loved you he'd ask you to come with him. Which he hasn't.