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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset the man I'm dating has just told me he's moving?

280 replies

Celia24 · 09/12/2023 10:11

I knew him for 1.5 years as an online friend and we grew to like each other a lot. Once he realised I was single recently he pursued and asked me out straight away.

Our two dates have been wonderful. Hours fly by, I feel happy, safe, respected, interesting and attractive when we're together.

He's the best man I've met for years & the first that has ticked all my boxes as a partner. Already we've talked about both wanting marriage & kids and the type of home/place we'd like to live. I'm 32, he's 30.

Anyway - this morning he tells me he has to move to a city 3 hours away in England by May (we're in Scotland now). He is a professor and 'needs' to go where the contracts send him.

I'm so surprised by the news I just don't know what to say. It would be typical for me to meet the potentially right guy and he's moving! In theory my job is mostly remote and moveable but it's too soon to talk about that.

OP posts:
scotvic · 10/12/2023 18:06

It may slightly vary from subject to subject but in general post docs, researchers and junior academics are treated like shit in terms of employment these days - there are hardly any actual ‘jobs’, it’s all zero hours contracts and short term project based contracts - basically everyone is chasing the grant money. Can be very insecure for years until - IF you’re lucky - you succeed in getting a tenured lectureship. I’m not surprised he’s having to move, and if your relationship does move forward into something long term, I’m afraid you may need to steel yourself for more moves in future….

Lindyloomillion1 · 10/12/2023 18:07

He might well be straight up. I don't assume he's lying about his situation.
Talk to him!

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 10/12/2023 18:13

You know if something is meant to be and he has feelings for you then he will make the effort to make it work. People have made it work who live half way across the world until they could be together. But I think you need to slow it down in your head a bit as you only had a few dates and stop thinking so far ahead. Also he could be love bombing you so be careful. Just see what happens and don't read too much into it. If something is meant to work it will but do you really want to be dating someone long distance for a long time and then he may have to move again to a place further away.
Keep yourself busy with other stuff and meet up with people and try to stop thinking about it all.

Iliketosmile · 10/12/2023 18:16

Postdoc are all fixed term contracts between 3 and 5 years usually, depending on funding. Also you can hand in your notice and move to a new contract whenever you want. It is one of the reasons I left academia. Contracts can start and end at any point in the year.

MyLadyTheKingsMother · 10/12/2023 18:19

Goodness, all this hand wringing! Just ask him op and if you really like him tell him!
What have you got to lose?

Bignanny30 · 10/12/2023 18:36

Wait and see how it goes, he’s not moving until May.

Whatthefnow · 10/12/2023 18:41

Christ, don't take chekhovsmum advice or you'll be the one that's blocked.

You've had two dates, just see what happens.

Calmdown14 · 10/12/2023 18:48

He may not have known for certain until very recently. He's probably put in a lot of applications for post doc on research projects. They are generally fixed term so probably not a permanent move.

As you get a bit higher up the academic scale it tends to become a bit more stable but he's not wrong that for now he has to follow the funding.

It could be quite fun and a good way to take things easy and maintain lives apart from each other as well as a couple.

Don't overthink it too much. See how it goes.

Academia is different to almost every other career and I don't think it's any reflection on how he thinks about you.

twittwooz · 10/12/2023 18:51

Jesus some of the replies on here! Why the hell would you need to block him? Ffs he’s got a career and it’s not like he’s moving to bloody Australia?

MrsPetty · 10/12/2023 19:12

I’ve been married to my DH for almost two years. We dated for four years before we got married. We’ve never lived in the same country, we’ve never actually lived together at all apart from the first Covid lockdown. We make it work. We holiday together. He’ll be with me and my DDs for Christmas. We visit for weekends. I’ve never been happier. Relationships are how we design them … not society.

PeppermintMandy · 10/12/2023 19:37

ChekhovsMum · 09/12/2023 10:34

Fair enough, I think I inferred that, maybe wrongly, from the online thing.
Nevertheless, anyone in this situation letting a partner down (and he really is) should be talking at length about what they actually want, and asking the OP very, very clearly if she would possibly, please, consider keeping this relationship up over a long distance. And he knows how inconvenient that will be, and he will make an effort, and this is how it’s going to work. He has done none of that.

She is not his partner. They have been on TWO dates.

Wobblebumbelly · 10/12/2023 20:08

So just after I finished uni, i met a guy. We hit it off immediately and he told me shortly after we met that he had to go back to uni for another year.

I had nothing to hold me where I was and thought sod it, I like this guy. I can move back if it doesn't work out and I went with him. It was tough at first because we really didn't know eachother but 21 years, a marriage and child later we're still very much together.

Not suggesting you do the same but if it's meant to be, it'll be!

exaltedwombat · 10/12/2023 22:58

Mumsnet is being its usual uncharitable self! But I see no reason to assume this is other than straightforward. Such things do happen!

ChesleyMay · 11/12/2023 07:01

I had a similar situation years ago now. Went out on 1 date with this guy I had met and he told me straight away he was leaving for Canada for a 6 month contract. He still had a few months before leaving so at 18 years old, I decided to see what happened and just have fun. Got close to him leaving and he asked me to go with him. I almost did but decided not to, as much as I liked him I just didn't know him enough to leave especially if he was coming back realistically not that long after.

We agreed to stay in touch and if we were still single when he got back, we'd meet up again. Roughly a week or so before he left he started messaging me drunken abuse because he was angry I wouldn't go with him, said he still wanted to see me before he left, said he loved me yet I was getting horrible messages after he'd been drinking that I clearly had commitment issues. I was like umm yes I'm 18 lol anyways he left, didn't hear from him and after all of the drunk messages I didn't bother messaging him. Within weeks I met a lovely man who is now my husband, we have been together 15 years with 2 beautiful children.

I actually ran into this guy around the time he would have gotten back from Canada. I was out with my husband at the shops (still newly dating at this stage) and I got the filthiest look off him. I just smiled happily and waived but he just gave OH the same look and walked off.

I guess my point is to say I'd just see what happens because you never know, it didn't work out in my situation but thankfully not because Mr Right came very shortly after!!

greenbeansnspinach · 11/12/2023 08:34

Peterpieper · 09/12/2023 10:12

Are you sure he is what he says he is. Being a professor at 30 is highly unusual.

I agree with this, I wonder if he is using the word professor in the American sense ie tutor? And why would he need to go where he was sent? In academia you just apply for jobs in the normal way.

greenbeansnspinach · 11/12/2023 08:40

Muchof · 09/12/2023 10:37

Does two dates makes somebody a partner these days?! 😂

Show quote history

It’s a situationship!

Needmoresleep · 11/12/2023 09:01

In academia you just apply for jobs in the normal way.

Yes, but. It is very very hard to take the first steps on an academic career. DS is about to finish his PhD and is ‘on the job market’. So far he has applied for 205 jobs, everywhere from Nova Scotia to New Zealand. He is likely to have to keep moving until his career is established. OP is lucky that this guy remains close enough to visit at weekends.

Eleganz · 11/12/2023 09:01

DoDoDoD · 09/12/2023 13:40

It’s also not that hard to figure out that just because a university decides to use the word professor in the title it doesn’t mean they are a professor and there’s a big distinction between assistant prof (lecturer in most institutions) and Professor! I wasn’t addressing the OP

Show quote history

Not sure what your point is then as I never said that these roles were equivalent. Having been an academic researcher and worked in other roles in HE I am well aware of the academic role structure in play in the UK and so I don't need any lessons thanks.

I was responding to the incorrect claim that universities in the UK never used assistant/associate professor when many and an increasing number do (to improve the international translatability of these roles) and that someone introducing themselves as an "Associate Professor" at a university is not claiming they are a full Professor but could be mistaken for one by someone not familiar with the newer job titles.

Ohhoho · 11/12/2023 12:00

It seems your gut is telling you something is wrong? though really there probably isn't...however. He's presumably texted this message? you have not replied yet? To cover all possibilities I'd just say 'no probs'. puts the ball back in his court. He might wonder whether you don't care? or 'I'll follow you anywhere? And you will be able to get some grounding by his next response. He could be backing off, or he could be being very considerate that because the relationship is going so well he better warn you?
Somehow though guts are perceptive and you are shocked. But before you back off give this non-committal confusing reply. Surely he will have to dig to find out what you mean and you will understand more. It does seem a bit love bomby. and the sudden withdrawal is shocking and confusing. You need more info.

Original poster
Celia24 · 11/12/2023 18:55

@Ohhoho I replied yesterday. Expressed my surprise but also said I understood/said I was pleased for him from a job perspective.

He said we'll still have quite a lot of time before he goes and that North of England to Scotland isn't insurmountable in his view. So that's that for now.

In his presence I'm happy. I think the thing giving me pause the more I think about it - is the idea of becoming a trailing partner. I've always been an independent woman who has lived in countries and places of my choosing. Chosen my own path always.

I think if this progresses id be following where he goes. It would.be a big change for me, although I still have the travel itch, and I'm not sure how I'd feel about that.

For now though, I'll keep seeing him and see how things unfold before May.

OP posts:
SwingTheMonkey · 11/12/2023 19:26

Celia24 · 11/12/2023 18:55

@Ohhoho I replied yesterday. Expressed my surprise but also said I understood/said I was pleased for him from a job perspective.

He said we'll still have quite a lot of time before he goes and that North of England to Scotland isn't insurmountable in his view. So that's that for now.

In his presence I'm happy. I think the thing giving me pause the more I think about it - is the idea of becoming a trailing partner. I've always been an independent woman who has lived in countries and places of my choosing. Chosen my own path always.

I think if this progresses id be following where he goes. It would.be a big change for me, although I still have the travel itch, and I'm not sure how I'd feel about that.

For now though, I'll keep seeing him and see how things unfold before May.

Edited

Best of luck with it all, op!

Catza · 12/12/2023 08:58

Celia24 · 11/12/2023 18:55

@Ohhoho I replied yesterday. Expressed my surprise but also said I understood/said I was pleased for him from a job perspective.

He said we'll still have quite a lot of time before he goes and that North of England to Scotland isn't insurmountable in his view. So that's that for now.

In his presence I'm happy. I think the thing giving me pause the more I think about it - is the idea of becoming a trailing partner. I've always been an independent woman who has lived in countries and places of my choosing. Chosen my own path always.

I think if this progresses id be following where he goes. It would.be a big change for me, although I still have the travel itch, and I'm not sure how I'd feel about that.

For now though, I'll keep seeing him and see how things unfold before May.

Edited

You can still be an independent woman even if you "trail" for this one. I am still frequently travelling, I lived in Spain for several months last year, 4 months in Japan a few years back while my partner was at home. I just have a different base to come back to, that's all.

WinterParakeets · 12/12/2023 12:53

You don't have to move. You could have a long distance relationship. Or he might do two years there then find a more permanent position nearer you.

And as others have said, you are not the trailing partner if you still have agency over everything in your life. Trailing spouses is a term that describes partners who move to a place where they are not legally allowed to work, so their financial freedom is curtailed and their ability to find meaning and purpose day to day is also more limited. That's lethal imo. You are not describing anything like that. Just the possibility of being the one in the couple whose work is more flexible. So if you choose to be near him you can do so while continuing in your career. That's hardly handmaid's tale territory.

But, y'know, have a third date first! Grin

Idontcareboutthestateofmyhair · 12/12/2023 14:46

May is still a long time away.. and 3 hours is very doable if you decide to continue especially if you can WFH. I wouldn't throw it away or be suspicious at all. Especially if you feel like he could be the one! See how it goes and good luck!

Ohhoho · 12/12/2023 15:37

sounds good to me. and I moved to north of England so perhaps I'm biased. Seriously though, its all looking good. well done

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