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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset the man I'm dating has just told me he's moving?

280 replies

Celia24 · 09/12/2023 10:11

I knew him for 1.5 years as an online friend and we grew to like each other a lot. Once he realised I was single recently he pursued and asked me out straight away.

Our two dates have been wonderful. Hours fly by, I feel happy, safe, respected, interesting and attractive when we're together.

He's the best man I've met for years & the first that has ticked all my boxes as a partner. Already we've talked about both wanting marriage & kids and the type of home/place we'd like to live. I'm 32, he's 30.

Anyway - this morning he tells me he has to move to a city 3 hours away in England by May (we're in Scotland now). He is a professor and 'needs' to go where the contracts send him.

I'm so surprised by the news I just don't know what to say. It would be typical for me to meet the potentially right guy and he's moving! In theory my job is mostly remote and moveable but it's too soon to talk about that.

OP posts:
theduchessofspork · 09/12/2023 10:31

OP you’ve had two dates - this is only a relationship in your head.

3 hours isn’t insurmountable - so if you both want to give it go, give it a go. You can easily spend 2 weekends together a month by each travelling once - you will soon know if it’s worth continuing. It doesn’t need to be a drama. And if he’s just not that into you, you’ll soon know that too.

ChristmasPuddy · 09/12/2023 10:33

See how it goes. I don’t think 3 hours is the end of the world though!?

Bookworm1111 · 09/12/2023 10:33

When he told you, did he indicate whether he thought you could still continue long distance, @Celia24, or was he just like 'I'm moving' with a shrug and that was it?

ChekhovsMum · 09/12/2023 10:34

Fair enough, I think I inferred that, maybe wrongly, from the online thing.
Nevertheless, anyone in this situation letting a partner down (and he really is) should be talking at length about what they actually want, and asking the OP very, very clearly if she would possibly, please, consider keeping this relationship up over a long distance. And he knows how inconvenient that will be, and he will make an effort, and this is how it’s going to work. He has done none of that.

baileybrosbuildingandloan · 09/12/2023 10:35

Celia24 · 09/12/2023 10:18

@Wouldyouguess yes hes listed on the university website.

I know that academics and post docs need to move for their jobs often. It's the fact we're dating and he didn't mention it before now. Probably didn't want to scare me off.

He's told you after the second date. That seems fair to me. Ignore the nay sayers. I think he likes you and wanted to be sure if that (hence the dates) before he told you about the move. He's given you control. If you feel you could do some long distance for a while in the future, you have till May to give this a shot and see where it goes. If you think you'll never be able to make it work, you can call it quits now.
I'd give him the benefit of the doubt. Good luck!

Flickersy · 09/12/2023 10:36

ChekhovsMum · 09/12/2023 10:34

Fair enough, I think I inferred that, maybe wrongly, from the online thing.
Nevertheless, anyone in this situation letting a partner down (and he really is) should be talking at length about what they actually want, and asking the OP very, very clearly if she would possibly, please, consider keeping this relationship up over a long distance. And he knows how inconvenient that will be, and he will make an effort, and this is how it’s going to work. He has done none of that.

You have no idea what he said, OP hasn't provided the detail.

You're making up an awful lot.

Coconutter24 · 09/12/2023 10:36

Sounds like a Yemen and Chandler Bing situation 🙈
If he hasn’t suggested keeping the relationship going long distance or anything to suggest he wants to make the effort to keep contact then he isn’t the right one.

CatServant2020 · 09/12/2023 10:36

Everyone seems to be missing the fact that although they were online friends for 1.5 years, they have only had 2 dates.

The change from friends to a potential relationship has been relatively recent from what I read.

I don't see that he has done anything wrong, he has mentioned after 2 dates that he will moving so OP knows this and can make a decision as to whether she wants to continue.

SwingTheMonkey · 09/12/2023 10:37

ChekhovsMum · 09/12/2023 10:34

Fair enough, I think I inferred that, maybe wrongly, from the online thing.
Nevertheless, anyone in this situation letting a partner down (and he really is) should be talking at length about what they actually want, and asking the OP very, very clearly if she would possibly, please, consider keeping this relationship up over a long distance. And he knows how inconvenient that will be, and he will make an effort, and this is how it’s going to work. He has done none of that.

Eh… they’ve been out twice. She’s not his partner! He’s not letting anyone down, he’s just told her he’s got to move next year. He probably thinks they’ll see what happens if they’re still together when he moves… like a normal human being…

Muchof · 09/12/2023 10:37

ChekhovsMum · 09/12/2023 10:34

Fair enough, I think I inferred that, maybe wrongly, from the online thing.
Nevertheless, anyone in this situation letting a partner down (and he really is) should be talking at length about what they actually want, and asking the OP very, very clearly if she would possibly, please, consider keeping this relationship up over a long distance. And he knows how inconvenient that will be, and he will make an effort, and this is how it’s going to work. He has done none of that.

Does two dates makes somebody a partner these days?! 😂

SutWytTi · 09/12/2023 10:37

ChekhovsMum · 09/12/2023 10:34

Fair enough, I think I inferred that, maybe wrongly, from the online thing.
Nevertheless, anyone in this situation letting a partner down (and he really is) should be talking at length about what they actually want, and asking the OP very, very clearly if she would possibly, please, consider keeping this relationship up over a long distance. And he knows how inconvenient that will be, and he will make an effort, and this is how it’s going to work. He has done none of that.

They've had two dates, they're not partners.

This is way too heavy.

Original poster
Celia24 · 09/12/2023 10:37

I need to go out shortly but will return to the thread later.

When he told me it was in an im sad about it and don't want to move, but right now need to follow the contracts. I haven't responded yet because I'm in a bit of shock!!

OP posts:
DrMarshaFieldstone · 09/12/2023 10:37

ChekhovsMum · 09/12/2023 10:34

Fair enough, I think I inferred that, maybe wrongly, from the online thing.
Nevertheless, anyone in this situation letting a partner down (and he really is) should be talking at length about what they actually want, and asking the OP very, very clearly if she would possibly, please, consider keeping this relationship up over a long distance. And he knows how inconvenient that will be, and he will make an effort, and this is how it’s going to work. He has done none of that.

They aren’t partners. They’ve had two dates. I think you need to switch off your projector.

hardknocklifeforme · 09/12/2023 10:37

KittytheHare · 09/12/2023 10:21

Post-doc is very different to professor! It would be really unusual to all of a sudden have a new contract beginning in May, unless he’s under a short term contract and it ends soon. In any case he would clearly have known all this when you started dating.

I don't think this is unusual at all. It's all very plausible. Academic life I'm afraid.

Whiskerson · 09/12/2023 10:38

I don't think it sounds like "love bombing" or anything sinister. It just sounds like bad timing. It sounds like you are both grown-ups with your heads screwed on, so it's just a conversation about where you go from here. No need for sudden dumpings, but now you know the lay of the land, and likewise you can prioritise your own things. It's 3 hours away and not forever, so you can just weigh things up as you go.

It normally sets my teeth on edge when people say "ooh if the sexes were reversed...", but honestly if it was you who had to move for your career, I don't think anybody would be accusing you of having mistreated or misled the man you're seeing. Everyone would quite rightly be advising you not to change your plans for a man you've only just started dating, and that the right man will wait, etc.

SwingTheMonkey · 09/12/2023 10:38

ChekhovsMum · 09/12/2023 10:25

‘Thanks for letting me know. I don’t need to read far between the lines to see that this is obviously the end of things for us. I’m disappointed that you didn’t think this should be a face to face conversation. However, if this is how you break news like that then I’m at least relieved we didn’t get to the point of having kids like you suggested! I hope your life works out as you want it.’

aaaaaand block like hell.

OP, please only do this if you want to come across as being absolutely mental.

Catza · 09/12/2023 10:38

I dated my partner for two month, then he told me he was moving to another city as his ex moved his daughter before the start of secondary school (about a month before we met). He was initially trying to keep the same schedule of picking her up from school mid week and having her stay alternate weekends but it was horrible amount of driving for him and he was miserable.
He moved in December, we had a long distance relationship until May. Then I found a job in the same city he was in and we moved together in July. We’ve been together ever since and I absolutely don’t regret making this decision.
I guess, what I am trying to say is that there isn’t always an ulterior motive for him moving, saying it or not saying it. It may be just where life took him and you both need to talk about what it means for your relationship.

Maaate · 09/12/2023 10:39

3 hours really isn't that far and May is 6 months away so you would have a better idea by then if your relationship is working out and do alternate weekends at each others places.

munchmagic · 09/12/2023 10:40

Wow there's a lot of cynicism on MN isn't there?
OP the same thing happened a few dates in with my boyfriend in 2008. He mentioned he would be moving (also academia related, and also from central Scotland to north England). We'd spoken about marriage and babies since our first date as for once we both wanted to cut through the crap of dating and just be upfront about what we wanted in life. We were 28 and too old to be playing games any more. So when he said he would be needing to move I asked him what he felt that might mean for us and he said without hesitation, "well I'd want you to come with me of course, if you wanted to".
In the end he actually landed a better role in Glasgow so stayed there. We are still together, married, with kids and still very much in love. Haven't been able to keep our hands off each other since we met.
So proceed with caution but don't assume it's love bombing. It could be something wonderful!

Onegingerhead · 09/12/2023 10:40

Postdocs aren’t professors fgs. And yes, they are meant to be highly mobile so I totally believe the guy is moving.. standard postdoc contract is 3 years at one place (can be 2 or 4, but more rarely) and then they are to move.
Money is nowhere enough by mumsnet standards (I myself was a postdoc for a number of years) 😂so are you sure you want him in your life OP?

BrimfulOfMash · 09/12/2023 10:41

I would see how it goes until he moves away. Two dates (even with all that online lead in) is not enough to predict the next 3 months, never mind marriage, kids and happy ever after!

The shine might wear off, or it might get stronger.

If it gets stronger, 3 hours is not insurmountable . Trains, weekends, you working remotely. Try that for 6m.

But surely worth seeing what happens over the next few months, bearing in mind his move. And whether it does look, in the end, as if you are ‘for now’. But then, he can’t yet know how he feels and how he will feel in 6 months after 2 dates either.

Whiskerson · 09/12/2023 10:42

Muchof · 09/12/2023 10:30

You have had two dates and are talking about marriage and children. It sounds like love bombing. What did he suggest might happen in May?

Show quote history

They're not talking about marrying and having kids with each other right now. They're talking about their life goals, which I'd suggest is normal and a good idea for two people who have known each other a while and are now exploring a romantic relationship.

SwingTheMonkey · 09/12/2023 10:42

Coconutter24 · 09/12/2023 10:36

Sounds like a Yemen and Chandler Bing situation 🙈
If he hasn’t suggested keeping the relationship going long distance or anything to suggest he wants to make the effort to keep contact then he isn’t the right one.

Why on earth would he be making suggestions about keeping a relationship going when they’ve only been on 2 dates?

DrMarshaFieldstone · 09/12/2023 10:43

KittytheHare · 09/12/2023 10:21

Post-doc is very different to professor! It would be really unusual to all of a sudden have a new contract beginning in May, unless he’s under a short term contract and it ends soon. In any case he would clearly have known all this when you started dating.

It’s not unusual in the slightest for a postdoc on a short-term contract to be kept waiting by the university to find out whether or not their contract will be extended, and to have to move mid-year.

It’s very clear that most posters on this thread don’t have a clue about the instability of early career academia, especially in the humanities where whole departments are being closed.

Catapultaway · 09/12/2023 10:43

😂 the immediate replies to this are hilarious, love bombing, obvious lies, clearly just wants a shag 😂

Maybe I'm less cynical, or maybe people project their own lives more.

He sounds like he's done nothing wrong, it sounds like he's had feelings for you for a while but was respectful whilst you were in a relationship. He's asked you out, you've got on, he's told you after only 2 dates about a move 6 months away, that all seems quite nlnice to me.

Run with it OP, it's a problem for 5 months time if things are still going well. Enjoy it.

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