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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset the man I'm dating has just told me he's moving?

280 replies

Celia24 · 09/12/2023 10:11

I knew him for 1.5 years as an online friend and we grew to like each other a lot. Once he realised I was single recently he pursued and asked me out straight away.

Our two dates have been wonderful. Hours fly by, I feel happy, safe, respected, interesting and attractive when we're together.

He's the best man I've met for years & the first that has ticked all my boxes as a partner. Already we've talked about both wanting marriage & kids and the type of home/place we'd like to live. I'm 32, he's 30.

Anyway - this morning he tells me he has to move to a city 3 hours away in England by May (we're in Scotland now). He is a professor and 'needs' to go where the contracts send him.

I'm so surprised by the news I just don't know what to say. It would be typical for me to meet the potentially right guy and he's moving! In theory my job is mostly remote and moveable but it's too soon to talk about that.

OP posts:
greencheetah · 09/12/2023 10:12

Sounds like love bombing.

I think you need to chalk this one up to experience and move on 💐

Peterpieper · 09/12/2023 10:12

Are you sure he is what he says he is. Being a professor at 30 is highly unusual.

Original poster
Celia24 · 09/12/2023 10:13

Well it's a postdoc I think @Peterpieper

He teaches at the uni too. He has mentioned that he's quite young for it in general.

OP posts:
Original poster
Celia24 · 09/12/2023 10:15

And yes I'm sure he is. Before we met I found an online video of him speaking on the panel at his current uni.

OP posts:
ProvisionsOnTheDock · 09/12/2023 10:15

Oh dear. He's not moving. At best he's trying to let you down gently. At worst he's trying to fool you onto accepting an occasional shag when he happens to be "visiting".

Wouldyouguess · 09/12/2023 10:15

Is he an actual professor or just works au uni.

He also does not need to go anywhere unless he applied for a different job, got it and has to move as a result, although halfway through the year it's a bit unusual if he is a lecturer even- he would be teaching classes and then what, he's stopping them halfway through the year to move somewhere else? A bit suspicious. Do you know what his job is, if you google him do his credentials add up?
A talk at a panel could be him being a student only, not an actual professor. He could be a student moving after he finishes his course.

Original poster
Celia24 · 09/12/2023 10:18

@Wouldyouguess yes hes listed on the university website.

I know that academics and post docs need to move for their jobs often. It's the fact we're dating and he didn't mention it before now. Probably didn't want to scare me off.

OP posts:
LycheeBaby · 09/12/2023 10:18

It's not unusual for an early career academic to have to be very mobile. A lot of postdocs are on short term contracts without any security. (Am assuming, op, that you were just using "professor" as a way of saying "works in academia".)

Original poster
Celia24 · 09/12/2023 10:20

I know @LycheeBaby

I just like him so much and don't know what to do. 🙁i guess so! He works in academia and also teaches.

OP posts:
coodawoodashooda · 09/12/2023 10:20

I'd be disappointed too. I don't know what I'd do honestly

KittytheHare · 09/12/2023 10:21

Post-doc is very different to professor! It would be really unusual to all of a sudden have a new contract beginning in May, unless he’s under a short term contract and it ends soon. In any case he would clearly have known all this when you started dating.

Wouldyouguess · 09/12/2023 10:21

Celia24 · 09/12/2023 10:18

@Wouldyouguess yes hes listed on the university website.

I know that academics and post docs need to move for their jobs often. It's the fact we're dating and he didn't mention it before now. Probably didn't want to scare me off.

Maybe he hoped he would be able to stay at his current uni, I know some post docs candidates at mine stayed while others had their hours and contracts cut, so sometimes you dont know until very late in the day if you were lucky to keep what you have or maybe not.

Tatumm · 09/12/2023 10:22

It’s easy to check the credentials of someone like this, so if it all stacks up I’d assume it’s genuine. Research contracts do not always tie staff in to staying for complete terms.

There’s a while to go yet, and it may not work anyway, so why not just keep dating casually if you’re both happy and see where things lead? If things become more serious, you may both need to be ok with a distance relationship where you see one another just at weekends, but for now I would just see what happens.

LycheeBaby · 09/12/2023 10:24

Celia24 · 09/12/2023 10:20

I know @LycheeBaby

I just like him so much and don't know what to do. 🙁i guess so! He works in academia and also teaches.

I'd just play it by ear. It may be that he's told you now because it's starting to get serious whereas it might have felt a bit presumptuous to him to warn you he's moving in May during your first dates- sort of assuming too soon that you'll still be seeing him in May.

When he said it, did you get any sense of whether he meant that your relationship would therefore end or just that it would become more long distance. If you really like each other, it's not that hard to make it work.

Zombiezee · 09/12/2023 10:24

I'd just see what happens. If things are going well still in April/May and your job is moveable then why not?

ChekhovsMum · 09/12/2023 10:25

‘Thanks for letting me know. I don’t need to read far between the lines to see that this is obviously the end of things for us. I’m disappointed that you didn’t think this should be a face to face conversation. However, if this is how you break news like that then I’m at least relieved we didn’t get to the point of having kids like you suggested! I hope your life works out as you want it.’

aaaaaand block like hell.

PriOn1 · 09/12/2023 10:26

Honestly, I’d wait and see how it goes. My mum and dad had similar when they were first going out (perhaps not quite that early in the relationship), but you two already know each other, so the situation is a bit different.

Three hours is a bit of a pain, but you can see each other at weekends or meet in the middle. I wouldn’t write the relationship off because of it.

DrMarshaFieldstone · 09/12/2023 10:27

YANBU to be disappointed. YABU to describe a postdoc as a professor as the nature of their work, and how mobile they have to be, is very very different.

I’m mystified by the pp who immediately assumed he was lying about moving. There’s zero evidence of that.

Ace56 · 09/12/2023 10:28

What was he like when he told you he had to move? Did he seem sad/regretful or was it just matter of fact ‘I’m leaving soon btw, bye’?

This is key, as if he seems pretty sad about it and is obviously keen on you then I would continue seeing him up until he leaves, and then potentially work out a long-distance plan. If he doesn’t seem too bothered and is just like ‘oh well, that’s life’ kind of attitude then I would just shut it down now and save yourself the heartbreak later on.

daisychain01 · 09/12/2023 10:28

if you've known him for 1.5 years and recently started to feel that there was more to the relationship than just being an online friend, I would have an honest conversation about what he believes will be the impact of him moving 3 hours away. Get his take on the situation, what does he see as your future together, is it back to being online friends again or does he see it differently.

hes making the move, maybe he wants you to express your feelings or at least start the conversation. What have you got to lose?

Already we've talked about both wanting marriage & kids and the type of home/place we'd like to live

this type of conversation sounds incongruous flakey with him announcing to you he's upping sticks and moving 3 hours away.

or maybe he's one of those academically gifted but socially inept people who had in his mind he wants marriage and kids but not necessarily with you.

DrMarshaFieldstone · 09/12/2023 10:28

ChekhovsMum · 09/12/2023 10:25

‘Thanks for letting me know. I don’t need to read far between the lines to see that this is obviously the end of things for us. I’m disappointed that you didn’t think this should be a face to face conversation. However, if this is how you break news like that then I’m at least relieved we didn’t get to the point of having kids like you suggested! I hope your life works out as you want it.’

aaaaaand block like hell.

What? Where does she say it wasn’t a f2f conversation?

Wouldyouguess · 09/12/2023 10:28

DrMarshaFieldstone · 09/12/2023 10:27

YANBU to be disappointed. YABU to describe a postdoc as a professor as the nature of their work, and how mobile they have to be, is very very different.

I’m mystified by the pp who immediately assumed he was lying about moving. There’s zero evidence of that.

I thought HE lied about being a professor, it was OP who mistitled him :)

ChekhovsMum · 09/12/2023 10:29

And to those who say the OP should see what happens - I disagree. This man might be thinking she will start a LDR with him or move, but that’s an assumption he’s made without actually asking. And anyway, this is the most insensitive way to break news like this that I can imagine. ‘Hey, just thought I’d let you know I’m doing this with my life. You can follow me and bend your plans around mine if you want, but I’m not going to express any great desire for you to stay with me’.
Would he accept the same from you OP? Honestly?
He is not good husband or father material.

Muchof · 09/12/2023 10:30

Celia24 · 09/12/2023 10:18

@Wouldyouguess yes hes listed on the university website.

I know that academics and post docs need to move for their jobs often. It's the fact we're dating and he didn't mention it before now. Probably didn't want to scare me off.

You have had two dates and are talking about marriage and children. It sounds like love bombing. What did he suggest might happen in May?

Shakespearesister · 09/12/2023 10:31

All this after two dates?!?!?