To be upset the man I'm dating has just told me he's moving?

[Celia24]

I knew him for 1.5 years as an online friend and we grew to like each other a lot. Once he realised I was single recently he pursued and asked me out straight away.

Our two dates have been wonderful. Hours fly by, I feel happy, safe, respected, interesting and attractive when we're together.

He's the best man I've met for years & the first that has ticked all my boxes as a partner. Already we've talked about both wanting marriage & kids and the type of home/place we'd like to live. I'm 32, he's 30.

Anyway - this morning he tells me he has to move to a city 3 hours away in England by May (we're in Scotland now). He is a professor and 'needs' to go where the contracts send him.

I'm so surprised by the news I just don't know what to say. It would be typical for me to meet the potentially right guy and he's moving! In theory my job is mostly remote and moveable but it's too soon to talk about that.

On what basis? That he hasn’t said anything about LTR? They’ve got 6 months to continue dating - should they choose to - before anyone needs to think about long distance relationships. Just because he hasn’t mentioned anything now, after 2 dates, doesn’t mean in the coming months they wont discuss what happens post move.

You've only had a couple of dates, and he hasn't got to move until May. In 6 months time you could hate the sight of each other, be so mad about each other he'll stay or you'll go with him, or somewhere in between where you do long distance. There is no point in worrying this early in the game. I'd just continue to enjoy his company and not get too ahead of yourselves.

I started a relationship a couple of months before moving 200 miles away from the guy; 5 hours by car, 4.5 by train. We’ve been married for 23 years now.

We saw each other three weekends in four. (I could claim expenses for my journey so he’d travel up to me once a month and I’d go down to him every other weekend.) Not much in the way of social media or video calling back then but we’d phone, email and even send letters during the week. After 2 years I took a job in London, where he was based.

It worked, and was a great way to start a strong relationship. In fact the biggest problem was getting used to living together all the time after I’d got so used to my own space.

See how it goes. He is going to move again and you are in the early days. Three hours is not great but navigable to meet for dates and you have experience of your virtual friendship for the long distance

I should also add that, UK universities are increasingly using the US job titles for more junior academics of assistant and associate professor rather than lecturer and senior lecturer/reader. It isn't universal but there are plenty of people now who have "professor" in their job titles that are not what would be considered a "full" professor. It is also possible for someone to be on a fixed term contract as an assistant professor, particularly if this was associated with a research fellowship (although some unis are getting better at offering permanent posts for people with prestigious fellowships). However, generally early stage academic careers are quite precarious compared to other careers at their age and level of seniority.

https://www.discoverphds.com/advice/doing/uk-academic-titles#:~:text=In%20UK%20universities%2C%20the%20academic,professor%20and%20head%20of%20department.

In UK universities, the academic titles and the order of their academic rank are:

PhD student,
postdoc research fellow,
assistant lecturer,
lecturer,
senior lecturer,
reader,
professor,
named professor,
head of department.

I was in academia and my bf (job in London) would not have entertained the thought of moving with me, so I turned down the opportunity at another uni and then moved out of academia (and split up with the bf a few years later).

Women have thus happen to them all the time, I think, ie men calling the shots. Or so it was when I was young (am now in 50s).

for you both, I’d let him crack on, and see how things progress. After two dates, maybe it’s all roses and he starts driving you mad after 20 dates. He has to put his career first atm since you are only a new item, so I wouldn’t be dumping him or assuming it’s the end of the road.

But At age 32, I’d give this a timeline, if you want kids. Ie some sort of move by you (since your work is remote) next year. You’ll see in the interim whether your relationship has legs.

Not any institution that I’ve been involved with. In fact I’d suggest it was the complete opposite case. Professor is still a revered title in the UK and that’s unlikely to change.

Exactly. My now husband and I spoke about children in general terms very early in our relationship, for the same reasons as you and your DH.
That didn’t stop me from pursuing a good job opportunity in my hometown before moving closer to him after a year of a long distance relationship.
‘Love bombing‘ is a bit of an odd concept. I‘m sure it happens, but some people seem to describe any kind of enthusiasm or dedication shown early in a relationship as such, at least here on MN.
Amongst my female friends, I‘ve definitely seen way more men reluctant to commit than ‚love bombing‘.

OP, I don't think there would be anything wrong with laying your cards on the table at this point:

"I know it's a bit silly because we don't know each other very well, but I'm feeling really quite sad at the news of you moving away because I really like you."

Dignified, nothing to lose - see what he says.

I’m not sure which you are meaning OP: Aibu to be upset ( we all feel natural disappointment) or aibu to tell him how upset you are/ guilt trip him? They are two quite different things. It’s not a very established relationship by the sound of it. He’d be goofy to pass up a career advancement because of a three hour move after just two dates. It doesn’t mean he might not continue to see you and that things might change in terms of his priorities, but two dates is very early days. Also the professor/ post doc bit is confusing and makes a difference in the analysis of his behaviour.

Just to counter all the relationship doom mongers: I moved a 12 hours flight from dp for my first postdoc and then another 12 hours flight to the other side of the world from him for my second. He eventually followed me. We kept a few airlines in profit during that time.
Still together 28 years after first meeting, two children together.
It can totally work out, only you know if it is worth trying.

I started a relationship a couple of months before moving 200 miles away from the guy; 5 hours by car, 4.5 by train. We’ve been married for 23 years now.

I met DH at first year uni he was finishing at end of year he was 200 miles away for at least 3 years doing his PhD - we had about 8 months together. Took 8 years many moves for both of us to get to same place marry and then spend next 20 years married which including young kids and me in one part of country and him in another in working week.

I just asked DH if it's harder to get people for jobs and he said yes especially now people from abroad are filling them less and less but his area does compete with private sector for talent.

This. Exactly this. Don’t let him go op if things are this good just because of this. He has told you at an early juncture - I think he is acting with integrity and it’s surely worth at least seeing where it goes?

I completely get why this feels shocking. You thought you'd made that elusive connection...

Where you go from here depends how you feel about long distance.

(You certainly sound busy - just posted on Creative Writing so hope you are on there).

Actually it also depends on how you feel about a short term thing. I can certainly see why you are upset and I sympathise.

You are simply wrong and I suspect you have limited experience of academia in the UK.

Job vacancy that uses assistant and associate professor at a Russell Group uni just as an example:

https://jobs.nottingham.ac.uk/vacancy.aspx?ref=SCI142223

I personally know many, many academics who have assistant and associate professor titles.

This is simply out of date.

'Assistant' and 'associate' are not professors though, anyone with those jobs would not use Professor in a titular sense

It just sounds like an unfortunate situation and very bad luck, I don't think he's done anything wrong. Academia is very tough and precarious and people have to go where the opportunities are - there are so few of them. It's also very competitive so he may not have thought there was a big chance of this post going his way, so didn't want to worry you unnecessarily until he knew for sure. I think you're totally entitled to curse the stars and feel sad and disappointed, but I don't think he's misbehaved in any way. I would hope he'd feel as disappointed as you - it's hard to have to make a choice between work life and personal life like this, but it does happen. And, as others have said, you may be able to make it work!

But at the end of the day, compatibility is contextual. It isn't just about the right person, but the right person at the right time of their life and in the right place. If it doesn't work out, try not to think of this as the one hope you had and lost. Rather, see it as evidence that if it can happen once, it can definitely happen again, and again!

You need to urgently relegate him. I agree that even if he doesn't move, he's letting you down gently, or he's relegating you and letting you know either way, I'm not The One. I'm not YOUR one.

DOn't get your heart broken. I met this south african guy in the queue to get passports renewed in the Irish embassy in 1995 our eyes met and sparks flew, and he told me even before he told me his name that he would be moving back to south africa. It was literally the first piece of information he gave me. I was DEVASTATED when he left London about 13 months later. Very outing that, but it's one of the things I'd do differently If I got a second chance. He was nice and all but there were other guys out there. It was only a year of my life but it took a few years to recover FULLY

Post doc posts are generally temporary so he’s likely not moving to wherever it is forever. Just see how things go over the next few months and if it’s all going really well you can always do long distance while he’s in this job. It’s early days now but by May you’ll likely have a sense of whether it’s a relationship worth pursuing over the distance or whether it’s fizzled anyway.

Definitely don’t send him any of the batshit messages suggested on here or dump him in a huff. It’s really not the end of the world. The fact you’re upset shows you like him but that doesn’t mean he’s actually done anything wrong.

No you wouldn't use the title professor, but one would say that you were an assistant or associate professor at X uni and someone who wasn't familiar with academic titles could easily say that you are a professor on a Mumsnet post. It really isn't that hard to figure it out.

Example from Oxford for the MN snobs btw:
https://www.jobs.ac.uk/job/DER704/associate-professor-of-materials?utm_campaign=google_jobs_apply&utm_source=google_jobs_apply&utm_medium=organic

Oh, FFS. Because people never genuinely move for work, right?

I know, right? Some very odd responses on here…

Totally. And he’s being open early on in dating.

ITS FINE

no reason to think he’s letting you down or not interested

he’s being honest about what going on in his life

Just play it by ear and see what happens if need be you can meet halfway. Then when you have been seeing him a while you can look at you moving your just nowhere near that yet! Way to soon to be talking about babies and stuff.