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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset the man I'm dating has just told me he's moving?

280 replies

Celia24 · 09/12/2023 10:11

I knew him for 1.5 years as an online friend and we grew to like each other a lot. Once he realised I was single recently he pursued and asked me out straight away.

Our two dates have been wonderful. Hours fly by, I feel happy, safe, respected, interesting and attractive when we're together.

He's the best man I've met for years & the first that has ticked all my boxes as a partner. Already we've talked about both wanting marriage & kids and the type of home/place we'd like to live. I'm 32, he's 30.

Anyway - this morning he tells me he has to move to a city 3 hours away in England by May (we're in Scotland now). He is a professor and 'needs' to go where the contracts send him.

I'm so surprised by the news I just don't know what to say. It would be typical for me to meet the potentially right guy and he's moving! In theory my job is mostly remote and moveable but it's too soon to talk about that.

OP posts:
TrifleLayer · 09/12/2023 11:04

I am married to an academic who got a permanent teaching and research post aged 30 as a lecturer, not a Professor, he is a Professor now and head of dept now but it’s taken decades. What your BF is doing is following post doctoral research grant money it means he will be funded for x years and then have to move again. What he wants is a permanent lectureship, they are very hard to get.

When I got together with DH he was still a post doc researcher and I knew that marrying him would mean potential sacrifices to my own career and moving about and even overseas. It is not a marriage for the feint hearted. We did have to relocate but I did manage thankfully to move my career.

I made it very clear I would move anywhere in Europe but not further afield. He was head hunted for a job in NZ once but we didn’t go. I knew I would be a camp follower as such.

What is his discipline? DH is science based and quite a sexy subject as they joke, what they mean is industry will pay for research as it has industrial application. He is currently getting funding for just a teeny project in his eyes of 2 million funding. He will employ a researcher for a couple of years on that, the rest will go on equipment. so that post doc gets two years and unless the company want to stump up more cash it will be over. When a lense for your microscope costs 30k it doesn’t go far.

DH did his PhD for a global company and saved them millions on their process., he also does a little bit of consultancy work. No starving in a poets garret here, academia money wise is not created equal.

Canisaysomething · 09/12/2023 11:05

You sound really full on and not very supportive of his career aspirations. If I was him that would be a huge turn off.

If you really liked him you’d just see how it goes long distance for a bit. If you can work from home you could stay with him for the odd few days here and there. He’s moving 3 hours away so if you met somewhere half way then it’s 1.5hours each way.

SgtBilko · 09/12/2023 11:05

baileybrosbuildingandloan · 09/12/2023 10:35

He's told you after the second date. That seems fair to me. Ignore the nay sayers. I think he likes you and wanted to be sure if that (hence the dates) before he told you about the move. He's given you control. If you feel you could do some long distance for a while in the future, you have till May to give this a shot and see where it goes. If you think you'll never be able to make it work, you can call it quits now.
I'd give him the benefit of the doubt. Good luck!

Show quote history

I agree. It’s a discussion you should have with him.

TravelInHope · 09/12/2023 11:05

ProvisionsOnTheDock · 09/12/2023 10:15

Oh dear. He's not moving. At best he's trying to let you down gently. At worst he's trying to fool you onto accepting an occasional shag when he happens to be "visiting".

You are saying this but you don’t know what you are talking about. Academics have to move frequently for new and better positions.
He didn’t mention that he might have to move towns on your first date? Quelle surprise! I wouldn’t either.

Xmasblues · 09/12/2023 11:06

Are you both child free?

If so, then you can still carry on dating and just see where it goes.

On the weekends you could both meet up in the middle.
1 and 1/2 hours is really not that far away (it takes me that to drive to work every day) and it will give you time to both see how you feel.

If you end up being a perfect match then after a few months you can decide whether you want to carry on seeing each other just at weekends or move closer.

I do find it a bit odd that you were talking for so long but only recently asked if you were single, even though you live in the same area.

Did this never come up in conversation?

And then after meeting up twice, he’s now moving.

Are you sure he’s not in a relationship?

Ginandjuice57884 · 09/12/2023 11:07

You could... talk to him about it? No need to be upping sticks for him but if you're both on the same page I don't see why you couldn't do long distance.

cheezncrackers · 09/12/2023 11:07

Birdcar · 09/12/2023 11:00

You are way too invested after 2 dates.

Unhealthily so.

This ^

Seriously OP, listen to yourself. He's potentially 'the one', etc and you've discussed marriage and kids after TWO DATES????

In all honesty, I wouldn't blame him for taking a job three hours away to get away from the crazy intensity of your feelings.

Golden407 · 09/12/2023 11:07

ChekhovsMum · 09/12/2023 10:34

Fair enough, I think I inferred that, maybe wrongly, from the online thing.
Nevertheless, anyone in this situation letting a partner down (and he really is) should be talking at length about what they actually want, and asking the OP very, very clearly if she would possibly, please, consider keeping this relationship up over a long distance. And he knows how inconvenient that will be, and he will make an effort, and this is how it’s going to work. He has done none of that.

You seem to be making a lot of assumptions, all of them negative. He may be shy, insecure? He may feel the OP is losing interest in him for whatever reason and wouldn't be interested in carrying on the relationship for some reason. The Op has given a very brief description of an 18 month relationship no one here had any idea of motivations or wants?

JMSA · 09/12/2023 11:08

ProvisionsOnTheDock · 09/12/2023 10:15

Oh dear. He's not moving. At best he's trying to let you down gently. At worst he's trying to fool you onto accepting an occasional shag when he happens to be "visiting".

Oh, FFS. Because people never genuinely move for work, right? Confused

OP, seasoned dater here. I thought I was cynical enough, but Mumsnet AIBU takes the biscuit. You've picked the wrong place to ask.

In reply to your actual question - rather than the semantics over his job title or whether he's actually moving - I am not going to lie, I'd be absolutely gutted. I mean, he could, if he really wanted to, follow it up with an offer for you to go with him. But if that doesn't come, I'd be ending the relationship. Even if you say no, it's nice to know that he thinks enough of you to ask in the first place.
Good luck.

Canisaysomething · 09/12/2023 11:08

A lot of people on here seem to have met shit men that spin all sorts of tales. Based on my experience of men I have dated, I would just believe what he’s told you.

Muchof · 09/12/2023 11:08

Whiskerson · 09/12/2023 10:42

They're not talking about marrying and having kids with each other right now. They're talking about their life goals, which I'd suggest is normal and a good idea for two people who have known each other a while and are now exploring a romantic relationship.

Show quote history

They haven’t known each other a while, other than via online. I have been an active member of another forum for a few years and people know my name and know things about me, but I could not say that anybody who has never met me would know me.

And it is a bit weird to be talking about marriage and kids after two dates.

TrifleLayer · 09/12/2023 11:10

I should add that in America academics are all called Professors with various suffixes, whereas in the UK you have to actually go through ranks of lecturer, senior lecturer, reader, Professor. So a Professor in America, they could be just at the level of lecturer in the UK.

ThanksItHasPockets · 09/12/2023 11:10

ProvisionsOnTheDock · 09/12/2023 10:15

Oh dear. He's not moving. At best he's trying to let you down gently. At worst he's trying to fool you onto accepting an occasional shag when he happens to be "visiting".

I sometimes think it should be against MN talk guidelines to post such ridiculous fiction based on zero evidence when someone is asking for advice. This is the OP’s real life.

Namechange4234 · 09/12/2023 11:11

You've been on TWO dates

You're not in a relationship

Hes only moving to ENGLAND not Australia

Lord! The drama!

Tombero · 09/12/2023 11:12

I think I’d say ok let’s chat about this when we next see each other.

I’d want to know, in an ideal world how he’d see things working for the two of you. Does he want to go and know he’s having a fresh start? Or if things are going strong in May (which is quite a long time away) does he want the two of you to stay together? Either long distance or working to be together. If you’re both hoping for the same end result, then all is good.

Whiskerson · 09/12/2023 11:13

Muchof · 09/12/2023 11:08

They haven’t known each other a while, other than via online. I have been an active member of another forum for a few years and people know my name and know things about me, but I could not say that anybody who has never met me would know me.

And it is a bit weird to be talking about marriage and kids after two dates.

Show quote history

Well, I don't know what level of intimacy they had reached as "online friends" - obviously it's not the same as meeting IRL, but it sounds like they knew each other to some degree. I don't think it's at all weird to have conversations on a date like "so what are you looking for in life?" and say that you do or don't see marriage and kids in your future, and give an indication of what stage of life you're at so as not to waste each other's time. Everything is context-dependent but basically no, we will have to agree to disagree that this is weird.
It depends on your approach to dating and relationships, doesn't it?

Yellowishes · 09/12/2023 11:14

Quite surprised by how many people here are matter of factly giving incorrect information about academic university jobs. These people do not have any understanding of the area and are trying to convince OP her new bf is a liar.

  1. post doc contracts are usually 6 months to 18 months long and you go where you can get a job. They are temporary posts.
  2. they are not courses
  3. they are often out of sync with both the calendar year and the academic year - they're based on calendars of a huge range of funding disbursements.
DonnaBanana · 09/12/2023 11:16

I can’t believe he’d treat you in such a mean way. After two dates you’d expect a lot more, it’s not like you only had one date

DrMarshaFieldstone · 09/12/2023 11:16

Yellowishes · 09/12/2023 11:14

Quite surprised by how many people here are matter of factly giving incorrect information about academic university jobs. These people do not have any understanding of the area and are trying to convince OP her new bf is a liar.

  1. post doc contracts are usually 6 months to 18 months long and you go where you can get a job. They are temporary posts.
  2. they are not courses
  3. they are often out of sync with both the calendar year and the academic year - they're based on calendars of a huge range of funding disbursements.

Honestly, I am not. MN is absolutely choca with exceptionally confident armchair ‘experts’.

My favourite is the Irish academic who has clarified that the situation would be implausible in Ireland despite the OP clearly stating that the context is Scottish and English.

DrMarshaFieldstone · 09/12/2023 11:17

DonnaBanana · 09/12/2023 11:16

I can’t believe he’d treat you in such a mean way. After two dates you’d expect a lot more, it’s not like you only had one date

Grin
ExcellentFabulous · 09/12/2023 11:18

If your job will make it easier for you to move, that's great but don't say anything about that to him yet until you both seriously talk about moving in together or something.

As he's someone you've known for over a year as a friend, I doubt he's now suddenly love bombing you or trying to deceive you but nevertheless, you can never be too careful. Just don't accept occasional visit shag as a norm. I wouldn't accept anything casual either so you either remain friends or have the long distance relationship until you decide to make it more serious.

It's normal to feel disappointed about this, I can understand.

StockpotSoup · 09/12/2023 11:19

Peterpieper · 09/12/2023 10:12

Are you sure he is what he says he is. Being a professor at 30 is highly unusual.

I know a 31 year-old professor.

Gillypie23 · 09/12/2023 11:20

You've been on 2 dates way to early to make a decision about your future anyway.

MereDintofPandiculation · 09/12/2023 11:22

Celia24 · 09/12/2023 10:13

Well it's a postdoc I think @Peterpieper

He teaches at the uni too. He has mentioned that he's quite young for it in general.

A postdoc isn’t a professor. In many other countries, professor just means teacher at uni, but in the uk, a professor is a head of dept or occupier of a Chair, and is someone who has achieved international acclaim in their field.

TedMullins · 09/12/2023 11:23

EveryOtherNameTaken · 09/12/2023 10:46

I'm with this 100%. Why so much drama?

Just see how things go up until then and take it from there.

Show quote history

Agree with this, he’s getting so much unnecessary hate here! He shouldn’t be putting his life on hold for someone he’s only had 2 dates with. Would you pass up for a job opportunity for someone you’d only met twice (yes ok they’ve been friends online but again, you wouldn’t not move for your career for someone you only knew on the Internet).

It’s fine to be disappointed OP but I don’t think it has to be the end - why not keep seeing him? 3 hours isn’t an insurmountable distance. I’m in a 2 year relationship and have just applied for my dream job a 6 hour flight away, these things can be overcome

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