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Original poster

To be upset the man I'm dating has just told me he's moving?

280 replies

Celia24 · 09/12/2023 10:11

I knew him for 1.5 years as an online friend and we grew to like each other a lot. Once he realised I was single recently he pursued and asked me out straight away.

Our two dates have been wonderful. Hours fly by, I feel happy, safe, respected, interesting and attractive when we're together.

He's the best man I've met for years & the first that has ticked all my boxes as a partner. Already we've talked about both wanting marriage & kids and the type of home/place we'd like to live. I'm 32, he's 30.

Anyway - this morning he tells me he has to move to a city 3 hours away in England by May (we're in Scotland now). He is a professor and 'needs' to go where the contracts send him.

I'm so surprised by the news I just don't know what to say. It would be typical for me to meet the potentially right guy and he's moving! In theory my job is mostly remote and moveable but it's too soon to talk about that.

OP posts:
VickyEadieofThigh · 09/12/2023 11:57

Celia24 · 09/12/2023 10:11

I knew him for 1.5 years as an online friend and we grew to like each other a lot. Once he realised I was single recently he pursued and asked me out straight away.

Our two dates have been wonderful. Hours fly by, I feel happy, safe, respected, interesting and attractive when we're together.

He's the best man I've met for years & the first that has ticked all my boxes as a partner. Already we've talked about both wanting marriage & kids and the type of home/place we'd like to live. I'm 32, he's 30.

Anyway - this morning he tells me he has to move to a city 3 hours away in England by May (we're in Scotland now). He is a professor and 'needs' to go where the contracts send him.

I'm so surprised by the news I just don't know what to say. It would be typical for me to meet the potentially right guy and he's moving! In theory my job is mostly remote and moveable but it's too soon to talk about that.

"Professor" in the UK doesn't mean the same as in the US, where it's used routinely for what we call a lecturer. A professor here is a very senior academic who is appointed to a "chair" in their subject.

I wonder if he's exaggerated somewhat in this respect.

Nonimai · 09/12/2023 11:59

‘if it’s meant to be, it will happen’. My son has a distance relationship which works (she is at uni, although a student) . she comes here in the holidays. He goes there alternate weekends during term time.

PamelasSpamela · 09/12/2023 12:02

Peterpieper · 09/12/2023 10:12

Are you sure he is what he says he is. Being a professor at 30 is highly unusual.

I also doubt he is saying he is moving just to blow the OP off, I think that’s a massive reach especially if he is at a university as it would only take her 30 seconds to find out he hasn’t moved because he’d be on there website post-May.

Sorry it’s come to this OP, but try and see him as a pleasant adventure but the stepping stone to your next.

PamelasSpamela · 09/12/2023 12:03

VickyEadieofThigh · 09/12/2023 11:57

"Professor" in the UK doesn't mean the same as in the US, where it's used routinely for what we call a lecturer. A professor here is a very senior academic who is appointed to a "chair" in their subject.

I wonder if he's exaggerated somewhat in this respect.

Show quote history

Edited because I misunderstood what you meant.

Tigertigertigertiger · 09/12/2023 12:05

Ffs he's done nothing wrong

Can't believe some of these cynical replies.

Hope it works out for you OP

MyChristmasTree · 09/12/2023 12:05

I think you initial sad reaction says to go for it. It all sounds legit and there’s no point telling you on the first date but now he knows this could be serious then he’s up front.
may is 6 months away and plenty of time to decide whether to have a long distance relationship with the view of living together. Also it’s doable for travel and visiting

Whiskerson · 09/12/2023 12:06

I think the professor thing is not relevant to the thread anymore. To most laypeople, these job titles are interchangeable. The OP admitted she'd used the wrong term and really meant something else.

CliffsofMohair · 09/12/2023 12:06

LycheeBaby · 09/12/2023 10:18

It's not unusual for an early career academic to have to be very mobile. A lot of postdocs are on short term contracts without any security. (Am assuming, op, that you were just using "professor" as a way of saying "works in academia".)

Also the uni I teach at as a p/t casual lecturer has upgraded everyone’s title to ‘Asst Professor’ which seems ambitious

Shrammed · 09/12/2023 12:08

As PP have said professor and post doc position in UK are every different.

Early 30 science area was when DH and his colleges started going for and started to get lectureship posts next step from post docs which are short term contracts usually between 18 months to 3 years.

DH did two year in industry around then which meant a massive pay cut and wasn't in end any more secure before getting permeant lectureship posts - and like many of his peers with children and spouses ended up with long commutes or working away in the week to take positions.

We just had a conversation about next step readership posts but all so far need another big move but kids are teens in exams years.

So far he's not worked aboard but that's not uncommon and in some ares like my undergraduate it is expected.

DH also had contracts end and start in spring - so not sure why that's been flagged as odd.

I get the disappointment - but academic life is full of moves - if you do want to continue I'd probably check out how feasible 3 hour journey is and see if you enjoy next few months.

After two dates I don't think derailing his career plans for you or him is correct but I would ask more questions - will he need to go abroad - aware he may not have all the answers.

Itsagreatdaytosavelives · 09/12/2023 12:12

appt with senco and or head teacher. get copy of complaints policy and lodge formal complaint. very unprofessional (im a teacher)

inamarina · 09/12/2023 12:12

Whiskerson · 09/12/2023 10:38

I don't think it sounds like "love bombing" or anything sinister. It just sounds like bad timing. It sounds like you are both grown-ups with your heads screwed on, so it's just a conversation about where you go from here. No need for sudden dumpings, but now you know the lay of the land, and likewise you can prioritise your own things. It's 3 hours away and not forever, so you can just weigh things up as you go.

It normally sets my teeth on edge when people say "ooh if the sexes were reversed...", but honestly if it was you who had to move for your career, I don't think anybody would be accusing you of having mistreated or misled the man you're seeing. Everyone would quite rightly be advising you not to change your plans for a man you've only just started dating, and that the right man will wait, etc.

I agree with this. I‘m quite surprised to see posters on here accusing the guy of ‚love bombing‘ and urging OP to block him.
They‘ve known each other online for one and a half years, had a few dates, and OP seems to be very comfortable in his company.
I would just see how it goes.
Three hours away is not that far.
In my late twenties and early thirties I knew several couples who started off as a long distance relationship, is not that unusual.

erinaceus · 09/12/2023 12:15

You are well within your rights to express your shock.

Something along the lines of a recognition that you’ve only been on two dates making any sort of relationship status ambiguous, especially when you acknowledge that you’ve been online friends (which can allow for all sorts of imagining about how the other person really is) for a chunk of time longer.

From there it is understandable that his news has abruptly rewritten your thoughts about what a future relationship could conceivably look like (it’s fair to express that you feel he has hidden some information from you, but from his side I think it’s reasonable not to have told you sooner if the practicalities of his job move were not certain and you were on the first or second date).

Ask for a bit more clarity (does he want an LDR? a playmate for the odd weekend? You to follow him??).

Unless you think he’s not worth all this effort in which case now is the point to call the whole thing off - in which case be clear about it and it is quite likely you will not have the same friendship you once did.

I think @ChekhovsMum is well harsh myself! I spent some time in academia and whilst yes there is a considerable difference between postdoc and professor (was it you who made this error or him?) going where the jobs are seems normal to me.

munchmagic · 09/12/2023 12:16

Itsagreatdaytosavelives · 09/12/2023 12:12

appt with senco and or head teacher. get copy of complaints policy and lodge formal complaint. very unprofessional (im a teacher)

Seems a little extreme for the situation but it's a change from the love bombing replies at least Wink

StolenCookie · 09/12/2023 12:16

I really don’t see the calamity here.

  1. It would be a bit premature for him to have mentioned this on your first couple of dates. The dates could have been disasters. He has as much right as anyone to see how the first couple of dates go before revealing this aspect of his life.

  2. 3 hours is not a big deal. I had a similar arrangement with my current partner and traveled to see him every Friday night and stayed every weekend with him. I felt like I saw him more than some of my friends in regular relationships.

  3. This does not spell doom for your relationship! It’s a bit of a speed bump. If you’re compatible you’ll easily weather this.

Whiskerson · 09/12/2023 12:16

Itsagreatdaytosavelives · 09/12/2023 12:12

appt with senco and or head teacher. get copy of complaints policy and lodge formal complaint. very unprofessional (im a teacher)

I know this must have been meant for a different thread, but what hilarious dating advice 🤣

GuinnessBird · 09/12/2023 12:18

Some of these responses are batshit, after two dates the bloke owes OP nothing.

Justchatting06 · 09/12/2023 12:19

You’ve spoke about marriage and children after 2 dates?

Cosywintertime · 09/12/2023 12:19

Just respond op. And say that sounds exciting, hopefully we can still find time to meet if you are up for it, delighted for you and your new opportunity.

he’s clearly had this going for awhile. But remember it’s been two dates.

Itsnotallaboutyoulikeyouthink · 09/12/2023 12:20

2 dates? Really? And your this invested?

Cosywintertime · 09/12/2023 12:20

Although it is a bit chandler going to Yemen 😄

MissTrip82 · 09/12/2023 12:21

ChekhovsMum · 09/12/2023 10:34

Fair enough, I think I inferred that, maybe wrongly, from the online thing.
Nevertheless, anyone in this situation letting a partner down (and he really is) should be talking at length about what they actually want, and asking the OP very, very clearly if she would possibly, please, consider keeping this relationship up over a long distance. And he knows how inconvenient that will be, and he will make an effort, and this is how it’s going to work. He has done none of that.

What on earth? What partner? What relationship? It’s been two dates. This response is absolutely insane.

DoDoDoD · 09/12/2023 12:25

Celia24 · 09/12/2023 10:13

Well it's a postdoc I think @Peterpieper

He teaches at the uni too. He has mentioned that he's quite young for it in general.

If he's doing a postdoc it's unlikely he's a professor but he would be subject to short-term contracts

Eleganz · 09/12/2023 12:26

Sorry OP, an early career academic like him is likely to be on one or two year contracts, has to be very mobile and put his career first if he wants to have any chance of making it as an academic. That is the nature of the game, in many fields it could well have been a hop across the Atlantic not just 3 hours away in England.

Shame for you, but sadly circumstances have got in the way here. I'm going to say that I don't think long distance works, sorry.

Finding all the comments about him lying, love bombing ,etc. bit full on. Think a few people need to take a break from MN.

Fernsfernsferns · 09/12/2023 12:26

Celia24 · 09/12/2023 10:53

I don't expect him not to go. I just feel a bit shocked and upset because of how I feel.

And have some questions about how often he's likely to have to change contracts/move around before stability. I don't know if he even knows that yet.

I've lived in multiple countries so I'm flexible. But I'm also independent and not the type to follow someone round either.

But I'm also a romantic! And think I've found someone special (potentially).

So go on a few more dates and ask these questions

not in a ‘what about our relationship’ way as youve only been on two dates.

but generally finding out.

If he’s the right one for you there will be ways to make it work.

and there are more options than ‘you following him’

you need to think about what’s REALLY non negotiable for you.

Eg I know an Australian who lived here in her twenties who was always clear she was moving back there. Her boyfriend choose to go with her.

So if you know you want to live in your city long term you can make that clear too

Coconutter24 · 09/12/2023 12:28

SwingTheMonkey · 09/12/2023 10:42

Why on earth would he be making suggestions about keeping a relationship going when they’ve only been on 2 dates?

Show quote history

she said they’ve know each other for 1.5 years as online friends and had 2 dates so I was putting it nicely to OP that she might just have to move on

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