To be upset the man I'm dating has just told me he's moving?

[Celia24]

I knew him for 1.5 years as an online friend and we grew to like each other a lot. Once he realised I was single recently he pursued and asked me out straight away.

Our two dates have been wonderful. Hours fly by, I feel happy, safe, respected, interesting and attractive when we're together.

He's the best man I've met for years & the first that has ticked all my boxes as a partner. Already we've talked about both wanting marriage & kids and the type of home/place we'd like to live. I'm 32, he's 30.

Anyway - this morning he tells me he has to move to a city 3 hours away in England by May (we're in Scotland now). He is a professor and 'needs' to go where the contracts send him.

I'm so surprised by the news I just don't know what to say. It would be typical for me to meet the potentially right guy and he's moving! In theory my job is mostly remote and moveable but it's too soon to talk about that.

I don't think he's done anything wrong. You've known each other for 1.5 years as friends, so nothing unusual about talking about marriage and kids as a general thing. You've probably exchanged many conversations in the last 2 years, so even though you've only had 2 dates, you know each other quite well.

I would wait to see what happens till May. By then, the relationship will be quite firm and at that point, if you can move, then why not? People move cities and countries because of their partner's jobs all the time. I would definitely move for the right person

I also agree with this - as it happens I strongly DON’T want marriage or kids so I’d ask dates on the first date whether they wanted those things (in a general sense, not with me). Pointless to keep seeing them if they said yes they do want that

You have only met him irl twice, on two dates? OP you can only have been "dating" him for a couple of weeks. This is a lot of emotional investment very early.

A lot of my colleagues have had long distance stuff or needing to stay over during the week for work as they've climbed the academic job ladder.
Chances are he'll be able to get a job back in Scotland in a few years hopefully when he's done his post-doc. I would keep things light, stop the talk of marriage/babies, definitely don't move yourself, as it's a bit soon to be doing that. See what happens and if it's meant to be, you'll find a way to make it work.

It isn't where a lecturer is referred to as a professor, like in the US and some universities here.

It is entirely feasible that a post-doc would move positions in May. He will probably be looking for a permanent position but they are hard to get so moving for work may well be what he needs to do for the next years. Something to ask yourself is if you would be interested in moving around with him (if the relationship works out)? Trailing spouses are very common in academia, as academics have to go where the work is.

For now, just date him until he leaves and then see how you feel then. Three hours is not that far for a short term long distance relationship. If you did that for three months and it is still going strong, then you could always move there by next Christmas. Just go with it and see what happens. You might also be sick of the sight of him long before May.

Really? I would just play it by ear. 3 hours is really not that far to make it work if you both want to. It's not like he's emigrating to Australia.

Are you being sarcastic? Difficult to tell, but if not, what an odd answer!

I'm a postdoc - this isn't unusual at all and generally you have to be willing to be incredibly mobile to make a career as an academic. Things are getting better with remote working etc and the general brain drain from academia which means universities can be less picky... He also might have genuinely had very little notice as oppourtunities can come up and disappear very quickly.

@Celia24 IMO it totally depends on how he's discussing it with you. Not U to need to move, but if he cares he will be talking about how you can make it work - travelling back and forth, you potentially going with him with lots of support from his side etc.

It’s 3 hours, it’s fine. If you want to see each other of a weekend, you can. Wholly doable.

OP if he is a researcher in academia he won't necessarily be following academic years, my relative works in this area and it's not that related to the actual uni although he does lecture too. And yes they do have to follow the contracts/money. They are not in permanent roles but paid out of research funding so when it dries up they have to find more money or move to somewhere which does have funding. It's a very hard life actually.
If he's lab based then he has to be in the location of the lab etc and that means it will be hard for you to maintain a long distance relationship, if he can work remotely then maybe there's hope and you can have some kind of semi long distance relationship with you both travelling and partly wfh sort of thing.
But you need to sign up to the fact that until he's established with a research dept with decent funding he may need to move again. As I said it's a tough career until you can either settle somewhere or find a steady grant stream or you can be flexible working.

Are you in the UK,@RethinkingLife?

As @TrifleLayer says, having the job title of Professor means different things in different countries.

When DH was a PhD student he used to get letters (from abroad, but not just from the USA, IIRC) addressing him as Professor. It was mildly interesting, but not what he’d ever represented himself as.

I’ve noticed that, rather than Lecturer/Senior Lecturer, some universities now advertise for Associate Professors and Assistant Professors. These are stages before being a Professor. Perhaps that’s where some confusion came.

The life of a post doc is very insecure. At 30 he is building a career and needs to move when a better opportunity presents itself. You are lucky he is staying in the UK. DS who is just completing a PhD has applied to 205 jobs worldwide.

If it is a viable relationship it will survive an honest talk. Not least covering the extent to which you are prepared to support his ambition.

Yup senior lecturer now seems to = associate professor in the UK

I also think in some fields it wouldn't be unheard of to be full professor by the time you're 30.

It's also pretty standard for someone to hear you research/teach at a university and assume you have the title of professor as much of academic is a mystery! (And they do it in the US afterall...)

My DP had to move to the US for a work contract after we had been dating for a month. He was 3 months there then back for about 6 weeks then off to the Middle East for 6 months! We stuck out the long distance and moved in together on his return. Been together for 13 years now!

If it’s going anywhere he will arrange to meet you and carry on dating? I met my now DH and then took a new job a week later, he thought it worthwhile travelling for 8 hours to visit me for a year till we decided to move in together.

Someone talking sense at last

DH and I were long distance for 18 months and each travelled to the other alternate weekends. See how it goes bearing in mind you're only 2 months in and then take a view in May 🤷🏻‍♀️

I feel your pain. I had a date with a woman who lived in London once. I thought it went well, so I tried to arrange a second date and got an email two days later saying she was moving to Singapore.

Absolutely spot on. Poor guys genuine and has been demonised on here - see how it goes enjoy your time together 3 hours isn’t that far away at all these days

Its not unusual for academics and post docs to move around. They have to follow contracts and research opportunities. Yes its gutting op but if your both willing to do long distance it's not the end of the world. Especially if you can work remote then you can spend long weekends together

Agree with those saying see how it goes in may. DH was told a year into our relationship that he had to move 5.5h away. In some roles you are at the whim of the system. There's no such thing as applying for something lower grade in same area more locally or making any kind of compromise - simply doesn't exist in some careers.

We survived 2 years of 5.5h distance. That was a long time ago. Now lived very happily together in our shared home for years. At the time when DH got posted I had no choice but to adopt the "see how it goes" attitude because I really thought he was special. He was and it has worked out.

I did 2.5 years ldr Scotland to England if you want a chat in private about practical ity I'm here

Exactly this. Some posters are SO suspicious. He's telling you because the reality is that he has to move. He's also probably telling you because he really likes you and thinks that you like him too. Perhaps he wants to be upfront because he ISN'T leading you on and is honest.

I think he is being kind and thinking of you, imagine it had all gone really well until April and he dropped it casually into conversation! That would be hurtful.

I don't think it's love bombing, not if the conversation is two way. Why wouldn't you talk of marriage and children at that age? If I was childless and unmarried and 32 I too would be looking for possible marriage/father material and would be fairly upfront to dates about it. Why mess around, you're not 22!

I think respect to him for telling you. Ask him what he thinks it means for your relationship. Does he hope you'll carry on from a distance, is he expecting it to fizzle or would he really love it if you were to move with him.

Wow! The man would end up being happy he dodged a bullet. This is OTT and dramatic (and not everyone believes f2f conversation is the best and only way to communicate. Some people see it as the same as or prefer in writing).