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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset the man I'm dating has just told me he's moving?

280 replies

Celia24 · 09/12/2023 10:11

I knew him for 1.5 years as an online friend and we grew to like each other a lot. Once he realised I was single recently he pursued and asked me out straight away.

Our two dates have been wonderful. Hours fly by, I feel happy, safe, respected, interesting and attractive when we're together.

He's the best man I've met for years & the first that has ticked all my boxes as a partner. Already we've talked about both wanting marriage & kids and the type of home/place we'd like to live. I'm 32, he's 30.

Anyway - this morning he tells me he has to move to a city 3 hours away in England by May (we're in Scotland now). He is a professor and 'needs' to go where the contracts send him.

I'm so surprised by the news I just don't know what to say. It would be typical for me to meet the potentially right guy and he's moving! In theory my job is mostly remote and moveable but it's too soon to talk about that.

OP posts:
MrsKwazi · 09/12/2023 10:44

3 hours is not that far.

You are both young.

In this job climate, he needs to follow
jobs (doesn’t everybody?) No kids, property or relationship (to speak of, two dates??) to tie you, this is exactly when you should eb mobile and chasing your career.

it’s only been two dates? You really want him to give up on a career opportunity for what could be after 2 dates? Maybe HE is seeing red flags!

EveryOtherNameTaken · 09/12/2023 10:46

SwingTheMonkey · 09/12/2023 10:37

Eh… they’ve been out twice. She’s not his partner! He’s not letting anyone down, he’s just told her he’s got to move next year. He probably thinks they’ll see what happens if they’re still together when he moves… like a normal human being…

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I'm with this 100%. Why so much drama?

Just see how things go up until then and take it from there.

RaininSummer · 09/12/2023 10:47

Not unusual to have to change uni for work. My daughter is in the same position next year.

WillowTit · 09/12/2023 10:48

do you expect him not to go op?

Neriah · 09/12/2023 10:49

It's England, not Outer Mongolia! If the relationship has a future, regardless of 3 hours or 3 minutes away, you can both make it work. If you can't, one or both of you don't want it to.

fairydust11 · 09/12/2023 10:50

Op, go with the flow and see how it goes, it need not be an issue, 3 hours isn’t that far.

GrumpyPanda · 09/12/2023 10:53

I've done the itinerant academic thing myself and this is totally normal OP. He didn't keep it from you, he told you after two dates and presumably as his contract talks were getting more definitive. Up to you how you want to proceed. Three hours isn't far - I've had academic friends who were commuting between Vienna and Amsterdam with occasional transatlantic stints for nigh on a decade! If you really like this man, I'd give it a try. Two weekends a month would be very doable and don't underestimate the pluses of having your own space as well. You could then think about the long-term when he gets to his next contract.

Original poster
Celia24 · 09/12/2023 10:53

I don't expect him not to go. I just feel a bit shocked and upset because of how I feel.

And have some questions about how often he's likely to have to change contracts/move around before stability. I don't know if he even knows that yet.

I've lived in multiple countries so I'm flexible. But I'm also independent and not the type to follow someone round either.

But I'm also a romantic! And think I've found someone special (potentially).

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 09/12/2023 10:53

Just see how it goes. I get you’re disappointed. Maybe he is too.

If you don’t know what to say, maybe say that. ‘I’m so surprised, idk what to say.’ Or ask him what that means for the 2 of you.

WinterParakeets · 09/12/2023 10:54

Academic jobs are very hard to secure and it is normal to have to move cities when the right one appears.

He's told you early. He's not leading you on. I'd continue to have a lovely time with him. It's six months until May. You may drift apart or get so close that you know it's worth pursuing. You could meet at weekends and if things go well, you could consider moving to be near him if your job is flexible.

Don't be put off by this if you really like each other. DS has recently fallen in love with an academic who lives in USA! They are finding ways to make it work, despite time differences.

Original poster
Celia24 · 09/12/2023 10:54

Very good point @GrumpyPanda

I love my own space. I work full time and I'm also an author, so very busy in general!

OP posts:
2turtledoves · 09/12/2023 10:54

Dh and I met fairly young. We were both at different uni's and took it in turn to travel 4 hours once a month for years to see each other. We spent all our time off together & chatted most nights on the phone. I can't see any issue here. Its not like it's a different country. If the relationship is meant to be it will work.

Greengagesnfennel · 09/12/2023 10:54

It doesn't mean he's not into you or that it can't work, but being in a relationship with someone in academia will probably mean moves over the course of a lifetime. Often of continents and countries not just 3hrs away. If that is a hard no for you, then it is better to find out now before you both get more involved.

SkyFullofStars1975 · 09/12/2023 10:55

Just keep your guard up a little, but see how things go. It may work, it may not. But if you like the guy, it's worth a chance Flowers

Mushroom2023 · 09/12/2023 10:56

As others have said, there's a world of difference between post-doc (short term contracts, very insecure work, needing to get work with the leading research groups to build up your credentials to get a permanent position) and a professor (already very well established in their field, job is just about as secure as it's possible to get. Almost impossible to get a professorship until your 40s at the earliest).

Unfortunately, at his career stage it's the nature of his job. If both of you are happy to continue with a long distance relationship it's not insurmountable, with one or other travelling at weekends, or if your work is flexible, going to stay there for slightly longer periods at times.

It's not ideal, but many people in early career academic positions do it, so not unusual. Sober or later it will be clear whether or not your relationship has the legs to last the distance and you can re-evaluate then.

Deliaskis · 09/12/2023 10:57

Some bonkers replies here. It's 5 months until he goes OP, see how you feel or how things are going in March/April time, talk to him over time about what you'd both like to happen, and then see. Sometimes we just need to let things evolve before making any decisions.

There certainly doesn't seem to be any evidence of anything odd or sinister about what he's done.

Next time you speak, I'd bring it up just so that it's an open topic of conversation 'I'll be honest it really threw me when you shared that you have to move, I've been enjoying our time together and was looking forward to more of it. I guess the move makes things more difficult, but at the moment I'd be really sad to have to simply say goodbye'. And see where the conversation goes.... He'll probably share more over time and between you you'll figure out whether what you have is going to continue after the move, or not.

hsapposhit · 09/12/2023 10:59

YABU to call him a professor when he's a postdoc. Why did you do that? Bigging him up? Huge difference between a professor and a postdoc.
Postdocs are at the mercy of contracts and can end up anywhere as they need to work at a university which is researching the same field - so it's not a case of he can go anywhere where there is a chemistry department for example. If his field is, say, solid state catalysis he will need to go to a department which is researching that AND has an available contract. It's not easy.

I think this is all too much for two dates:
He's the best man I've met for years & the first that has ticked all my boxes as a partner. Already we've talked about both wanting marriage & kids and the type of home/place we'd like to live. I'm 32, he's 30
You don't really know what he is like even though you were friends online before. The marriage/kids conversation is also theoretical - it doesn't mean he wants them with YOU. It means it's something he wants generally.
You need to get to know each other much better before you can even think about things like this.

It's all too much drama. You could continue dating him to see if he really is as good as you currently think he is. You'll have to have a conversation with him about it though. 3 hours is workable if there's really something in it. But I think you should proceed with caution - you seem far too invested already for something that's just 2 dates.

plumtreebroke · 09/12/2023 10:59

Well you've both got until May to decide if the relationship is going anywhere. It may be long over by then or heating up nicely. Who knows where anyone might be in 5 months time.

MaryMcI · 09/12/2023 10:59

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/12/2023 10:53

Just see how it goes. I get you’re disappointed. Maybe he is too.

If you don’t know what to say, maybe say that. ‘I’m so surprised, idk what to say.’ Or ask him what that means for the 2 of you.

I would say that the OP needs to work out what she wants before she asks him what it means for them.
It would be more unusual for a professor to choose to move; for a post-doc, they need to be mobile until they can secure a permanent contract and even then will be expected to travel for conferences, fellowships etc (hard luck if you have DC and no support, it’s a man’s game in that respect). I don’t think three hours is too bad, presumably it’s one of the northern English universities. It’s an odd time of year to move, but not unheard. Academia is also more flexible than other roles in terms of where people can be outside of the teaching period.

ttcat37 · 09/12/2023 10:59

Can’t you just carry on dating him if you like one another that much? 3 hours isn’t that bad, I’ve had boyfriends that live that far away or in the military that got posted further.

RethinkingLife · 09/12/2023 10:59

Peterpieper · 09/12/2023 10:12

Are you sure he is what he says he is. Being a professor at 30 is highly unusual.

A friend in her 20s completed her PhD 3 years ago and this year was made up to a professor. It happens.

I recently met someone with a medical degree and 2 PhDs who is in his late 20s. And a 2 PhD nurse who has been a professor for >1yr who had his 30th birthday this year.

SweetFemaleAttitude · 09/12/2023 11:00

Nevertheless, anyone in this situation letting a partner down (and he really is)

Nevertheless, anyone who is in a ^long term relationship^ would be letting a partner down, but they've been on 2 dates. 2!!!!!!!

Yes it's disappointing if you fancy him, but FFS, he hasn't let anyone down.

2 dates in and he's mentioned he needs to move in nearly half a year.

Birdcar · 09/12/2023 11:00

You are way too invested after 2 dates.

Unhealthily so.

DrMarshaFieldstone · 09/12/2023 11:02

RethinkingLife · 09/12/2023 10:59

A friend in her 20s completed her PhD 3 years ago and this year was made up to a professor. It happens.

I recently met someone with a medical degree and 2 PhDs who is in his late 20s. And a 2 PhD nurse who has been a professor for >1yr who had his 30th birthday this year.

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Yeah, but OP has clarified that he is a postdoc.

KittytheHare · 09/12/2023 11:04

hardknocklifeforme · 09/12/2023 10:37

I don't think this is unusual at all. It's all very plausible. Academic life I'm afraid.

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I'm an academic in Ireland. And yes you're correct, It's more common in UK. Here there is much less movement, more stability (and better pay rates too actually). I was thinking of my own situation.

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