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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend annoyed I have no childcare?

230 replies

Bormalife · 09/12/2023 07:04

Booked a Christmas style lunch at informal venue. No deposits. Friend is a currently braking a year off sabbatical which started in July. Anyway, two weeks before the day I realise I am under huge pressure with a work project. I have had to work extra days for this and it’s meant my one child free day was now a work day for the next few weeks, leaving me with one day off with dc. I can’t book an extra day in nursery as they don’t have space and I have no partner and don’t feel comfortable leaving dc with parents for a full day, she’s 11 months. Friend is now very annoyed, lots of passive aggressive comments that she wanted to meet without dc… ive explained the situation and offered to re arrange to jan. AIBU to think this is uncalled for? I’m really questioning the friendship.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bormalife · 09/12/2023 07:05

*currently on a year off

OP posts:
Mouthfulofquiz · 09/12/2023 07:08

Could you make an exception for your parents to look after your little one for a lunch? Not a full day?

Dustpantsandbush · 09/12/2023 07:09

If it’s a lunch why do you need childcare for the whole day?

Original poster
Bormalife · 09/12/2023 07:10

@Mouthfulofquiz due to the travel it would be the best part of a day

OP posts:
nameychangio675 · 09/12/2023 07:10

YANBU but it does sound a teeny bit like you’re looking for a way out of it

Original poster
Bormalife · 09/12/2023 07:10

@Dustpantsandbush travel, we live quite far apart so it’s not a local venue

OP posts:
Original poster
Bormalife · 09/12/2023 07:11

@nameychangio675 im not… would love a nice lunch! I see your point though

OP posts:
nameychangio675 · 09/12/2023 07:13

I do sympathise because I’ve had this with ppl making me feel shit about not doing social stiff when I had young kids. But in all honesty it was stuff I never wanted to do in the first place

CirceIsMyHomegirl · 09/12/2023 07:13

Some people just don't understand that no childcare actually means no childcare. Don't feel bad, your friend sounds a bit childish.

PuttingDownRoots · 09/12/2023 07:14

Can you take he baby ith you?

YireosDodeAver · 09/12/2023 07:14

I'm questioning the friendship too, as must she be. You're being flakey on her at short notice. Obviously something's got to give - the work situation didn't just "happen", either poor time management where you failed to do something sooner or poor boundaries where you failed to say "no" have created you lower availability, and you've decided that out of having boundaries between work and personal time for your employers, or asking a favour of your parents, or letting down your "friend", the friendship is the least valuable thing for you.

Why does having a child-free lunch with your friend mean your parents have to do a whole day of childcare? Why can't they just cover lunch? Could you rearrange the venue of lunch to somewhere closer to parents?

thedamnseason · 09/12/2023 07:15

The work thing is an excuse. If you'd arranged lunch and knew you'd need childcare you'd have booked it so you either forgot or had no intention to.
So that would piss me off too.

Bringing all the other stuff in makes it look like a way to get our

Original poster
Bormalife · 09/12/2023 07:15

@PuttingDownRoots yes but friend isn’t ok with that

OP posts:
thedamnseason · 09/12/2023 07:15

sorry... makes it look like a way to get out of meeting even if it isn't.

Original poster
Bormalife · 09/12/2023 07:16

@YireosDodeAver the venue isn’t local as we live far apart. The nature of my job means i have to pick up work with new projects. I can’t just opt out unfortunately.

OP posts:
Peablockfeathers · 09/12/2023 07:17

Seems a bit dramatic to be questioning the friendship over this, do you generally make time for eachother usually? She was probably excited to have lunch with you and a child coming along does change the dynamic immeasurably. If it was just the 2 of you going then she's probably disappointed that lunch won't be happening or will be sorry to say focused around a small child instead of having a catch up. Sure people should be understanding; you that she's disappointed lunch is now changed or cancelled and her because you don't have much choice by the sound of it.

ilovesooty · 09/12/2023 07:18

If I were your friend I would consider you unreliable and would think twice about making arrangements with you in future. It's not as if this is a case of emergency or child sickness - you'd have had no control over that.

Original poster
Bormalife · 09/12/2023 07:18

@PuttingDownRoots i am understanding, I suggested lots of other days. I know it’s frustrating but I can’t do anything about it.

OP posts:
romdowa · 09/12/2023 07:19

If she's that desperate to see you , can she not meet you nearer to where you live so that your parents won't have to mind your dc all day?

MuggleMe · 09/12/2023 07:21

What was the childcare plan before you got busy at work? Do you not trust your parents to look after your baby?

Whaleandsnail6 · 09/12/2023 07:21

Im a bit confused...have you changed the day of the lunch from one where lo was in nursery to one where there isnt space for her so you can work the original lunch day?

An 11 month old totally changes the dynamic of the lunch and I'd rearrange if I was her, but I do understand her disappointment.

Beezknees · 09/12/2023 07:22

YANBU. I'm a lone parent with very little family help and I've had to let people down a few times. It is what it is. My friends have always been very understanding.

salamirose · 09/12/2023 07:23

Thing is, you presumably committed to this a while back so should have kept to it really. I don't quite understand how your work has meant you now don't have childcare so I'm probably missing something.

All this to say I can understand why she might be pissed off. She was really looking forward to it and if it had been booked for ages it's a bit frustrating. BUT if it were my friend and they'd said sorry the childcare has fallen through as the nursery has decided to close that day or whatever then I wouldn't be annoyed.

So for me I think as I don't really understand why your childcare that was going to work now doesn't work I cannot say who is being unreasonable as it depends if you've explained it to her better than on your OP as if not you just seem to be looking for an out.

3teens2cats · 09/12/2023 07:24

So what eas your original childcare plan when you agreed to the lunch?

salamirose · 09/12/2023 07:25

3teens2cats · 09/12/2023 07:24

So what eas your original childcare plan when you agreed to the lunch?

That's the bit I'm missing

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