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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend annoyed I have no childcare?

230 replies

Bormalife · 09/12/2023 07:04

Booked a Christmas style lunch at informal venue. No deposits. Friend is a currently braking a year off sabbatical which started in July. Anyway, two weeks before the day I realise I am under huge pressure with a work project. I have had to work extra days for this and it’s meant my one child free day was now a work day for the next few weeks, leaving me with one day off with dc. I can’t book an extra day in nursery as they don’t have space and I have no partner and don’t feel comfortable leaving dc with parents for a full day, she’s 11 months. Friend is now very annoyed, lots of passive aggressive comments that she wanted to meet without dc… ive explained the situation and offered to re arrange to jan. AIBU to think this is uncalled for? I’m really questioning the friendship.

OP posts:
autienotnaughty · 09/12/2023 07:28

So was it originally planned for a day dc is at nursery?

It's fine to ask to rearrange or for child to come it's only lunch. I'd give her the option of both if she refuses she's being a bit childish.

BowlOfNoodles · 09/12/2023 07:28

Sorry but if she's been looking forward to this for months and you cancel for something avoidable ( you can ask for a babysitter but won't ) I'd be pissed/offended but I'd of left it at one snide comment.

supersonicginandtonic · 09/12/2023 07:29

So you're now choosing to work and your other day off you won't leave your little one with your parents?
I'd be pissed off too at short notice you sound flaky and a pain to be honest

amylou8 · 09/12/2023 07:30

I'd not want the baby there if I was your friend either. I've done my years of kids
and now cringe inwardly at other people's. I'd cancel with some vague plans for next year if/when you were child free for the day.

Notonthestairs · 09/12/2023 07:30

You've given two weeks notice of a cancelled lunch.
You haven't cancelled because you got a better offer but because a change of work plans and now have childcare issues.

You have offered alternative dates. .

I would consider that fair enough. But MN will bend over backwards to tell you that you deserve the pass agg treatment.

witmum · 09/12/2023 07:32

Could your friend come over at 8 once the little one is in bed? Wine and tapas night in with a Christmas film?

Helloits2023 · 09/12/2023 07:35

Have you been generally quite flakey or is it a one off? I have a friend where I’ve been incredibly understanding of her flakiness because of her baby and other stressful situations, but eventually the excuses got very weak and more to do with her prioritising other friends than life complications. She can’t separate the two and understand what I’m annoyed about. Do you think there could be a context here where she already feels taken for granted? As a one-off it does feel like an overreaction from her.

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/12/2023 07:35

If your friend is desperate to see you, she can travel to you, surely? Then your dc is only with the gps for a few hours. You’re the busy single parent. She’s not working.

ohdamnitjanet · 09/12/2023 07:39

Notonthestairs · 09/12/2023 07:30

You've given two weeks notice of a cancelled lunch.
You haven't cancelled because you got a better offer but because a change of work plans and now have childcare issues.

You have offered alternative dates. .

I would consider that fair enough. But MN will bend over backwards to tell you that you deserve the pass agg treatment.

Exactly, you didn’t cancel on the day, plus childcare would double the cost of lunch. People cancel stuff all the time because of unforeseen circumstances, your friend should lighten up.

YireosDodeAver · 09/12/2023 07:40

So did you arrange the lunch for a day that you originally had nursery childcare booked for, but then when this work situation arose you rearranged nursery days to give you more working days without ringfencing the day when you had a preexisting commitment? Or did you never have a childcare arrangement for the day you agreed on for the lunch?

Ellie1015 · 09/12/2023 07:42

It sounds like it can't be help, and/or you didn't organise childcare. Where was dc meant to go? Has that person said i cant have her Saturday cos i i bad her during the week? (Distance and time babysitting needed for this lunch haven't changed).

Yanbu as I have also ducked out of social plans when children are small and i dont want to leave them in the end. However friend is also not unreasonable to be disappointed and also annoyed as her plans for the day are cancelled.

salamirose · 09/12/2023 07:43

ohdamnitjanet · 09/12/2023 07:39

Exactly, you didn’t cancel on the day, plus childcare would double the cost of lunch. People cancel stuff all the time because of unforeseen circumstances, your friend should lighten up.

Show quote history

From the sounds of it she originally had some sort of childcare in place though? So as her friend I'd want to know why that was now out of OP's control and cancelled.

tachycardigan · 09/12/2023 07:43

Bormalife · 09/12/2023 07:16

@YireosDodeAver the venue isn’t local as we live far apart. The nature of my job means i have to pick up work with new projects. I can’t just opt out unfortunately.

Could you suggest she comes closer to you?

But YANBU, shit happens, I’m sure she has had to cancel/rearrange in the past?

EasterIssland · 09/12/2023 07:44

Why do you have to go exactly to that venue and not any other that is easier for you ?

YouJustDoYou · 09/12/2023 07:47

CirceIsMyHomegirl · 09/12/2023 07:13

Some people just don't understand that no childcare actually means no childcare. Don't feel bad, your friend sounds a bit childish.

Edited

But op DOES have childcare (the grandparents), just doesn't feel happy to use them, which is fine - some of us literally have no one - no parents, no friends, no handy neighbours, no nursery spaces, nothing. So she could do it.

2turtledoves · 09/12/2023 07:48

Why are you even worried about this. A true friend would totally understand your situation and agree to change the date or be happy for you to bring your baby.

Bogartysmack79 · 09/12/2023 07:48

It's no different to if you were unable to make it due to illness! There's some harsh comment on here! Just take a " rain check" and re book for the New
Year/dull January when we're on the come down of all this stress and build up for Christmas. We've had plan upset in our lives globally before after all! Hope you can settle things and get some down time soon OP.

surreygirl1987 · 09/12/2023 07:49

I'm questioning the friendship too, as must she be. You're being flakey on her at short notice.

This. You've known this was coming, but you've not made arrangements. I'd be irritated with you too; it sounds like you don't want to go. She's probably really excited about it!

ActDottie · 09/12/2023 07:50

In this situation I’d have just taken baby with me or let my parents have her.

surreygirl1987 · 09/12/2023 07:50

It's no different to if you were unable to make it due to illness!

Yes it is. Illness wouldn't have been the OP's fault, and is unavoidable; it also can't be planned for (this can).

surreygirl1987 · 09/12/2023 07:52

So did you arrange the lunch for a day that you originally had nursery childcare booked for, but then when this work situation arose you rearranged nursery days to give you more working days without ringfencing the day when you had a preexisting commitment? Or did you never have a childcare arrangement for the day you agreed on for the lunch?

Yes, I'm confused about this too. I read it as she never arranged childcare?

Beautiful3 · 09/12/2023 07:52

When you booked the lunch was it on your day at nursery? If so then why can't you still go? Is it because you'd rather work it? Can't you have the day off? They can't make you work your day off. If the lunch was on a different day, then how were you going to get childcare? I'd leave with parents for the day. It kinda sounds like you're tired and burned out, and just can't be bothered to go to lunch. Especially as your parents live further away, so it means driving. If so just tell her the truth, you're exhausted and burned out, rearrange for January. I'm not judging because I cancelled lots of social events when mine were little. I had no help, just nursery while I worked. I commuted 40 miles a day. I was beyond tired when it got to the weekend. My parents said they didn't want to babysit, ever. It was very hard. Don't worry, perhaps don't make any more arrangements for now. Look after yourself.

grumpycow1 · 09/12/2023 07:53

I think you’re making excuses. You could keep one of your non-work days and work late in the evening to make it up if you really wanted to go. But you don’t, just be honest

Erdinger · 09/12/2023 07:55

What were your plans for child care for the lunch date ? OP not revealing what they were and as no nursery slot may not have arranged anything from the outset.

Perhapsanorhertimewouldbebetter · 09/12/2023 07:55

I can see both sides tbh.
I hope you work something out.