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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend annoyed I have no childcare?

230 replies

Bormalife · 09/12/2023 07:04

Booked a Christmas style lunch at informal venue. No deposits. Friend is a currently braking a year off sabbatical which started in July. Anyway, two weeks before the day I realise I am under huge pressure with a work project. I have had to work extra days for this and it’s meant my one child free day was now a work day for the next few weeks, leaving me with one day off with dc. I can’t book an extra day in nursery as they don’t have space and I have no partner and don’t feel comfortable leaving dc with parents for a full day, she’s 11 months. Friend is now very annoyed, lots of passive aggressive comments that she wanted to meet without dc… ive explained the situation and offered to re arrange to jan. AIBU to think this is uncalled for? I’m really questioning the friendship.

OP posts:
Sleepygrumpyandnothappy · 09/12/2023 08:49

Mariposista · 09/12/2023 08:41

Are your parents willing to have kiddo for a full day? If yes, let them. ‘I’m not comfortable’ smacks of excuse to get out of it.Your parents raised you-they must be fairly competent. It’s one day!

Edited

I hate this “your parents raised you” line that gets trotted out. My parents raised me but both now have considerable health problems that limit their abilities. Even before these developed they themselves would not have been comfortable having an 11 month year old in their care for more than 30 minutes or so. My dad never changed a single nappy, I’m not giving him DS as a trial run.

However if OP’s parents are willing and half able I think she’s missing a trick long-term in not building up everyone’s confidence.

Original poster
Bormalife · 09/12/2023 08:49

GettingColdFeet · 09/12/2023 08:47

I read it as the OP had booked lunch on her usual child free day but now feels under pressure to work that day instead. OP can't change lunch/working dates as there are no other free days available at nursery and the grandparents can't have her child for a full day.

Honestly, unless you are always really flakey and have already batted off several other lunch dates, it's just one of those things. It's ok for your friend to be disappointed but equally life happens too. If she's not prepared to look at alternatives (distance, bringing your child, moving the date into 2024) then I'd probably stop booking things far in advance with her and move to do things with short notice when you know you're free.

@GettingColdFeet yes this is exactly the situation

OP posts:
Walkaround · 09/12/2023 08:50

Snugglemonkey · 09/12/2023 08:48

I agree. It is this kind of shite that makes me just avoid any arrangement that I cannot bring my baby to.

Show quote history

Except the OP has explicitly said that her child free day is now a workday. As she has not changed the lunch day date, that was therefore always the day she was work free but not child free. So she lied to her friend in the first place when she said she would be child free.

Muchof · 09/12/2023 08:50

Bormalife · 09/12/2023 08:45

To clarify. I usually have two days off work a week. One day I have dc in childcare at nursery and one day I spend with them. Due to a huge influx of work I have had to postpone my annual leave in December (where I had been having the two days off a week) which means I am now working on the day dc is in nursery which is unusually my day off. I raised this two weeks before the lunch do didn’t think it was a huge problem and said I could either bring dc or do a date in January instead

This doesn’t clarify annything! You are still making absolutely zero sense. Your holidays, your work are irrelevant.

You had arranged a specific date fr lunch, what was the plan for childcare when you made that arrangement? Seems like you always intended to brig your child or bail.

Sleepygrumpyandnothappy · 09/12/2023 08:50

Bormalife · 09/12/2023 08:45

To clarify. I usually have two days off work a week. One day I have dc in childcare at nursery and one day I spend with them. Due to a huge influx of work I have had to postpone my annual leave in December (where I had been having the two days off a week) which means I am now working on the day dc is in nursery which is unusually my day off. I raised this two weeks before the lunch do didn’t think it was a huge problem and said I could either bring dc or do a date in January instead

Am I the only one who can’t work out the original plan?

CatLoaf · 09/12/2023 08:52

😅 Clear as mud

Jewelanemone · 09/12/2023 08:52

The OP arranged the lunch for a day when she would normally be off work and her DC would be in nursery. It's really not that hard to work out.

Walkaround · 09/12/2023 08:53

Bormalife · 09/12/2023 08:49

@GettingColdFeet yes this is exactly the situation

Show quote history

So you have asked your friend to move the lunch day regardless - to meet on another day that week with your child in tow, or to meet in January without your child?

Erdinger · 09/12/2023 08:54

Walkaround · 09/12/2023 08:47

You still aren’t making sense. Why arrange a child free lunch on a day you always knew you didn’t have childcare?!

Yes, this. It was always going to be on her non childcare day.

FieldInWhichFucksAreGrownIsBarren · 09/12/2023 08:54

Your explanation doesn't make sense though I see someone else managed to figure it out-fuck knows how.
Basically you're prioritising work, which is what a lot would do, but isn't good. It's actually ok to say to your employer, that is my day off and I have plans. You're not doing that so YABU and your friend is entitled to be pissed off with you

Muchof · 09/12/2023 08:55

Jewelanemone · 09/12/2023 08:52

The OP arranged the lunch for a day when she would normally be off work and her DC would be in nursery. It's really not that hard to work out.

And there is no mention that the day of the lunch has changed, so it really is hard to work out what the issue is.

YireosDodeAver · 09/12/2023 08:55

Bormalife · 09/12/2023 08:45

To clarify. I usually have two days off work a week. One day I have dc in childcare at nursery and one day I spend with them. Due to a huge influx of work I have had to postpone my annual leave in December (where I had been having the two days off a week) which means I am now working on the day dc is in nursery which is unusually my day off. I raised this two weeks before the lunch do didn’t think it was a huge problem and said I could either bring dc or do a date in January instead

This still doesn't clarify. You either booked the lunch for a nursery day or a non-nursery day.

Walkaround · 09/12/2023 08:57

Jewelanemone · 09/12/2023 08:52

The OP arranged the lunch for a day when she would normally be off work and her DC would be in nursery. It's really not that hard to work out.

Yes it is hard to work out when the OP fails to mention she has asked the friend to change the date of the lunch regardless and only mentions changing the date if it is to be a child free occasion.

Theonlywayisupnow · 09/12/2023 08:57

Why bother with the friendship? If she’s far apart and it’s stressful organising this stuff. I have zero childcare apart from school and childminder. No one in my family or anyone I know have ever cared for my child. My parents aren’t suitable and I dont have friends as they tend to put pressure on me for my time and it’s the last thing I need. I pay for childcare when I need it. A lot of people don’t understand this stuff because they have parents/inlaws/ friends and siblings that they leave kids with. It’s a different world to those of us who’s parents are batshit and who’ve learnt to navigate life under their own steam.

Original poster
Bormalife · 09/12/2023 08:57

Muchof · 09/12/2023 08:50

This doesn’t clarify annything! You are still making absolutely zero sense. Your holidays, your work are irrelevant.

You had arranged a specific date fr lunch, what was the plan for childcare when you made that arrangement? Seems like you always intended to brig your child or bail.

Show quote history

@Muchof erm… I think the post is obvious? I’ve had to use the childcare day to do the extra work that’s come in. A previous poster managed to understand and summarise it, perhaps it’s better to look at that post. I really don’t get what is so complicated!

OP posts:
Original poster
Bormalife · 09/12/2023 08:58

Walkaround · 09/12/2023 08:57

Yes it is hard to work out when the OP fails to mention she has asked the friend to change the date of the lunch regardless and only mentions changing the date if it is to be a child free occasion.

Show quote history

@Walkaround i genuinely do not understand your post? I offered to come and bring dc or move the date to January without dc.

OP posts:
RhiWrites · 09/12/2023 08:59

On the face of it you’re not to blame for needing to prioritise work.

But your friend may be feeling very low priority, your child comes first, your work comes second and then maybe you have other things going on. Your friend was looking forward to seeing you and you sound pretty blasé about responding that you can’t do it unless you bring a baby or rearrange to January.

Maxus · 09/12/2023 08:59

Hi Op I completely understand your situation. Being a single parent is not easy and your child has to be your priority. If people don't understand this they have no idea what it's like to be a single parent

Bearbookagainandagain · 09/12/2023 08:59

Grandparents aren't always an option. We have both set of grandparents "ready to help" and yet none of them would be comfortable watching a baby for a day on their own. The extent of their help is to hold baby for a bit so we can make a cup of tea and pause for a photo, and handing them back to us as soon as they cry, need a feed or make a poo.

@Bormalife I think it's normal that you and your friend struggle to understand each other when your life has changed so much in the past year. I don't think either of you is particularly unreasonable, your lifestyle are different now and it might be that you feel a bit disconnected for a while. It's not worth breaking the friendship, things could change again in a few years!

Pancakehut · 09/12/2023 08:59

I’m not sure what is so difficult to understand..

OP works (let’s say) Mon, Tues and Wed
Thurs she has the day off but her child is normally at nursery
Fri she doesn’t work either, but her child is normally with her

Lunch with friend booked for Thurs, child at nursery, no work so all good

She now has to work on Thursday so can’t move the lunch to Fri as the nursery doesn’t have space to have her child and the friend wants a child free lunch

Original poster
Bormalife · 09/12/2023 09:00

FieldInWhichFucksAreGrownIsBarren · 09/12/2023 08:54

Your explanation doesn't make sense though I see someone else managed to figure it out-fuck knows how.
Basically you're prioritising work, which is what a lot would do, but isn't good. It's actually ok to say to your employer, that is my day off and I have plans. You're not doing that so YABU and your friend is entitled to be pissed off with you

@FieldInWhichFucksAreGrownIsBarren It might be ok in your line of work but it’s not in mine. I am providing for dc and saving for school fees as a lone parent so I am in no position to make a fuss at work.

OP posts:
Boomboom22 · 09/12/2023 09:00

But if you haven't changed the date then you've cancelled a day of nursery. This makes no sense if it was a day your child was booked in so you've actually dropped a day to make up for working a different day?

Unicorntearsofgin · 09/12/2023 09:00

OP if you want to go you could always ask the nursery about an extra day. Lots offer adhoc days like this.

IfYouDontAsk · 09/12/2023 09:00

I think it kind of depends on how you presented it to your friend. Did you apologise for the change of plans? I know it’s a difficult situation largely out of your control but I think saying sorry often goes an awfully long way. For some reason people seem very reluctant to apologise these days though.

If you just presented the situation to her along the lines of I can either bring the baby or change the date then I can understand why she’d feel a bit fed up.

Original poster
Bormalife · 09/12/2023 09:01

Pancakehut · 09/12/2023 08:59

I’m not sure what is so difficult to understand..

OP works (let’s say) Mon, Tues and Wed
Thurs she has the day off but her child is normally at nursery
Fri she doesn’t work either, but her child is normally with her

Lunch with friend booked for Thurs, child at nursery, no work so all good

She now has to work on Thursday so can’t move the lunch to Fri as the nursery doesn’t have space to have her child and the friend wants a child free lunch

@Pancakehut thanks! I’ve obviously explained it very badly but this sums it up.

OP posts: