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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend annoyed I have no childcare?

230 replies

Bormalife · 09/12/2023 07:04

Booked a Christmas style lunch at informal venue. No deposits. Friend is a currently braking a year off sabbatical which started in July. Anyway, two weeks before the day I realise I am under huge pressure with a work project. I have had to work extra days for this and it’s meant my one child free day was now a work day for the next few weeks, leaving me with one day off with dc. I can’t book an extra day in nursery as they don’t have space and I have no partner and don’t feel comfortable leaving dc with parents for a full day, she’s 11 months. Friend is now very annoyed, lots of passive aggressive comments that she wanted to meet without dc… ive explained the situation and offered to re arrange to jan. AIBU to think this is uncalled for? I’m really questioning the friendship.

OP posts:
cantbecaught · 09/12/2023 12:29

BurbageBrook · 09/12/2023 08:13

YANBU op. I wouldn't want to leave my baby for the day when I didn't have to for work either. She could easily see you with your baby but she doesn't want to.

Full agreement. If I'd had to put my baby into extra childcare no way would I prioritise lunch with a friend over being with my baby on the one day I could. These things happen. A normal friend would get this.

phoenixrosehere · 09/12/2023 12:33

Zoreos · 09/12/2023 10:40

IMO if you have a friend that has young children and you book to do anything you always run the risk of things being cancelled or changed as young children as lovely as they are, they’re always prone to illness. What with them being the little germ factories that they are. Lack of childcare is also a common problem for a lot of people you see it all the time on these boards. Throw in a job that’s high pressure and high work load which I think if you’re not in a role like that or know people who are then other people won’t be able to understand. I think if you put the shoe on the other foot then people wouldn’t readily tell their employer “not my circus, not my monkeys” as much as posters will like to tell you they would. In reality, would they fuck. If your friend is being difficult with this lunch knowing you’ve got a young child and is being passive aggressive about you bringing them I’d cut my losses and tell them to whistle. I can’t be dealing with the petty, passive aggressive attitude of some people it’s so immature. It’s not hard to have empathy for people, people just love being awkward and dramatic. I do honestly believe many people thrive off of it. It’s annoying not being able to have lunch child free but it’s life. The fact she’s pushing back so hard about you bringing DC would really put me off them. They know your circumstances and you’ll always be a mum first before anything else. It's just poor form on their part in my books. I do say this as a person who has a teenager and not many childcare issues (I count my blessings here) and am friends people with young DC who share the same sorts of problems as yourself OP. I’ve also been you when my DC we’re small. We’ve had to have lunch unexpectedly with friends children but you deal with it graciously because you love your friends in life and friends understand.

Agree. We’ve had family change their mind ten minutes before we were leaving to go to dinner with DH’s friend and his wife. A dinner that was planned and scheduled about a month in advance and we had to take the kids with us. I’m glad they were understanding.

Original poster
Bormalife · 09/12/2023 12:41

No she doesn’t have dc but very much wants one

OP posts:
Xtraincome · 09/12/2023 12:42

Understand completely. Definitely aware that not everyone has these options. Just trying to offer alternatives. But, when my DDs were 11 months old I didn't really want to do much socially unless I knew my DDs could be brought along.

Isittimeformynapyet · 09/12/2023 13:48

ilovesooty · 09/12/2023 07:18

If I were your friend I would consider you unreliable and would think twice about making arrangements with you in future. It's not as if this is a case of emergency or child sickness - you'd have had no control over that.

Oooh - You're strict!

margotrose · 09/12/2023 14:02

Bormalife · 09/12/2023 12:41

No she doesn’t have dc but very much wants one

That explains why she doesn't want to attend lunch with your DC.

Peablockfeathers · 09/12/2023 14:05

Bormalife · 09/12/2023 12:41

No she doesn’t have dc but very much wants one

And you really can't see why she's upset about this?

salamirose · 09/12/2023 14:07

Bormalife · 09/12/2023 09:01

@Pancakehut thanks! I’ve obviously explained it very badly but this sums it up.

Show quote history

Ah the childcare is what threw me. So you do have childcare for the date it is booked for you just can't use it as now you are working.

NewFriendlyLadybird · 09/12/2023 14:43

pizzaHeart · 09/12/2023 09:56

Now I worked it out: OP has to work on an original lunch day, just this and nothing more. OP still has another work free day but doesn’t have childcare on this work free day hence can’t move lunch there. The next time she is available with available child care is January but her friend is not happy about waiting until January.
I think your friend is unreasonable if you have emergency at work - you have emergency at work. In what world you would decline work because you had to go for a lunch with your friend?

I get it now. OP is not being unreasonable: friend is. It’s unfortunate but these things happen.

Orangeandgold · 09/12/2023 14:44

I lost a handful of friends when my DD was younger because people don’t seem to understand we don’t just dump our babies anywhere or leave them at home for a few hours to grab lunch - especially if it’s far from home. The balance of overusing our parents for childcare is another mental load especially if they have taken on quite a lot for us (mine practically became my DDs second guardian!)

In this case I would either bring the baby - you can still have an adult conversation over lunch unless your friend has some other surprise that requires you to be childfree.

I would suggest your friend comes to meet you somewhere closer if it’s the 2 of you and if they cannot do that then I would question the friendship (on the basis of surely it’s more about meeting up/catching up over where we catch up).

IvorTheEngineDriver · 09/12/2023 14:45

So your parents raised you, but you are uncomfortable about letting them have your DC for one day?

Orangeandgold · 09/12/2023 14:49

Peablockfeathers · 09/12/2023 14:05

And you really can't see why she's upset about this?

Show quote history

Ah I just read this part.

Again - I don’t really understand what people with children are meant to do in the scenario that their friends “want babies too”. If I didn’t have a husband but wanted one, should I stop hanging out with my married friends or those coupled up?

I can imagine that it is hard but as friends we are meant to be there for eachother. Unless friendship is meant to be conditional based on life circumstances.

margotrose · 09/12/2023 14:56

Orangeandgold · 09/12/2023 14:49

Ah I just read this part.

Again - I don’t really understand what people with children are meant to do in the scenario that their friends “want babies too”. If I didn’t have a husband but wanted one, should I stop hanging out with my married friends or those coupled up?

I can imagine that it is hard but as friends we are meant to be there for eachother. Unless friendship is meant to be conditional based on life circumstances.

Show quote history

Husbands aren't dependent like babies are, though. It's very easy to go out without your DH, not so easy to go out without a baby.

salamirose · 09/12/2023 15:00

Did you explain it to her like you have here because it's quite confusing

Pinkpinkpink15 · 09/12/2023 15:03

Aydahayda · 09/12/2023 09:25

Sounds like OP no longer has a child free day off a week because she’s having to work that day. So the only free day she now has is the day she has DC with her.

so, the OP explained herself badly in original post - it’s not that childcare fell through. It’s that work has ramped up and she no longer has a day off child free.

Show quote history

@Aydahayda

The way I see it, is that she's choosing to work the day she has childcare instead of meeting her friend. That's the issue. If she's working both those days now she's not free for lunch (with or without the baby) if she's only working one of those days she could choose the other day and her parents could look after the baby while she's working if she's WFH or working closer to home.

im still confused why they can't find a solution between them. Op doesn't seem very flexible and friend seems to be being unfair.

Bonbon21 · 09/12/2023 15:12

OMG!!
You are supposedly friends.
Life gets in the way sometimes and arrangements do have to be changed.
It is a lunch date!
There are 364 other days in the year.. less holidays and high days..
It is not the end of the world if you have to change plans due to work committments or any other reason.
What is wrong with people?
So bloody precious!!

FirstTimeTTC989 · 09/12/2023 15:15

Your friend is a dick. She would rather not see you than see you with your child.

Most of my friends with young children wouldn't even consider getting childcare for a lunch, they just take them along!

Arggghhhhhhhh · 09/12/2023 15:15

What is wrong with the people on this thread. OP explained clearly in the OP.

I think OP is reasonable to cancel and friend is reasonable to be disappointed- ultimately though OP's role sounds involved and work comes first.

theduchessofspork · 09/12/2023 15:23

Get her to come to near you and your parents to look after the baby.

JessicaBrassica · 09/12/2023 16:38

Aydahayda, that's why I suggested having the grandparent at home whilst OP was working - so ban wasn't unsupported but mum could still work!

cauliflowerwaterfall · 09/12/2023 16:51

YANBU as dc is 11 months not 11 years… completely reasonable to be picky about childcare options for a kid that small.

organicbox · 09/12/2023 21:02

You're a single working mum. Do whatever you need to to make that work.
You told her in advance, if she isn't happy about it she can move to Jan or never see you again.

I think that when you are in a phase of life where things are this tight, you need friends who can cope with not always coming first. If she can't. it may be that you're just not compatible right now

Erdinger · 09/12/2023 21:47

OP speaks in riddles and doesn’t clarify original plans . Instead is trying to blame her friend who also sounds inflexible but maybe she’s over dealing with OP. Bored with this nonsense.

Jewelanemone · 09/12/2023 22:09

Christ, it's lunch. Does it really matter? Arrange a date in the new year.

HeckyPeck · 09/12/2023 22:10

Arggghhhhhhhh · 09/12/2023 15:15

What is wrong with the people on this thread. OP explained clearly in the OP.

I think OP is reasonable to cancel and friend is reasonable to be disappointed- ultimately though OP's role sounds involved and work comes first.

I agree. I think people are pretending to not understand just to be dicks.

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