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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend annoyed I have no childcare?

230 replies

Bormalife · 09/12/2023 07:04

Booked a Christmas style lunch at informal venue. No deposits. Friend is a currently braking a year off sabbatical which started in July. Anyway, two weeks before the day I realise I am under huge pressure with a work project. I have had to work extra days for this and it’s meant my one child free day was now a work day for the next few weeks, leaving me with one day off with dc. I can’t book an extra day in nursery as they don’t have space and I have no partner and don’t feel comfortable leaving dc with parents for a full day, she’s 11 months. Friend is now very annoyed, lots of passive aggressive comments that she wanted to meet without dc… ive explained the situation and offered to re arrange to jan. AIBU to think this is uncalled for? I’m really questioning the friendship.

OP posts:
Consideringachange2023 · 09/12/2023 07:56

I would be reconsidering a friendship with someone who wants to purposefully make me feel shit over something I can’t really help.

Only you know if you’re usually a consistent, reliable friend and if you are then I think she’s being a bit out of order. If you have form for cancelling last minute and blowing her off (even if it’s for genuine reasons) then I can understand if she’s started to get angry. Again tho, it’s the snarkiness - say “friend I am really upset because you’ve done this a lot and it makes me feel as if you don’t value our friendship “ - not just loads of snarky, snidey comments

Sunshinebuttercupsrainbows · 09/12/2023 07:57

Could you bring your parents with you, and then they can take DC for a walk in the buggy for a few hours whilst you have lunch?

confusedbythesystem · 09/12/2023 07:57

If I was the friend I would understand you now had to bring the baby, accept that lunch will not be quite as relaxed and easy-going....but still be very happy to see you!

There'd be a bit of disappointment at losing the original plans but soon replaced with new ones! So lunch might be a bit less leisurely, but if your baby will nap in the pushchair after eating, then a long walk around a lovely park or arboretum would still give you a chance for a lovely talk and catch-up. Maybe a museum if wet?

Winnipeggy · 09/12/2023 07:58

Would your parents be willing? I think I'd be comfortable at 11m to leave them if they are happy. It's only a day.

Heronwatcher · 09/12/2023 07:59

Honestly, I can understand why she’s upset. Having a baby there totally changes the dynamic. I’d be ruthlessly dialling down the work stuff for one of the weeks and making it up the next week (maybe with a few hours on a sat/ sun when someone else can look after the baby, like your parents or partner). Life is too short to miss stuff like this. In a few weeks no one will care about the project but you could lose a good friend- she sounds like she’s just quite hurt. If she’s not a good friend then nothing to worry about!

Wisdomisnotwise · 09/12/2023 08:00

If the nursery aren't free the day you booked to meet for lunch surely they were never free the day you booked for lunch. The work stuff is neither here nor there and honestly all just sounds like excuses to get out of lunch. Also you're allowing her irritation at something that is genuinely irritating to make you question the friendship..... Why not just admit to yourself and her that you're not actually interested in being her friend or meeting for lunch and both move on with your lives. It doesn't need to be a drama.

Mummymummy89 · 09/12/2023 08:00

I think if you're honest, you CBA to see your friend.

There are so many solutions.

Firstly, I'm surprised you'd need childcare "all day" for just a lunch. Even if it takes 2h to travel each way (which is an insane distance for a lunch) that's still only say 6.5h of childcare. 11mo is not a tiny baby, even if you BF your baby will be utterly fine and you can briefly express BM while out.

If childcare for that long is genuinely a problem, your parents (or dh etc) could travel with you to somewhere close to the venue, and book into a nearby soft play or similar while you have lunch. Then you're only separated from your 11mo baby for a couple of hours.

You could ask to change venue to somewhere nearer your parents or your own house, wherever the babysitting would take place.

All the busy work stuff is only relevant in that it explains why you CBA to see your friend. You're tired out and she's low on your priority list. It's understandable but she is not unreasonable to be offended

Belltentdreamer · 09/12/2023 08:00

I take it she doesn’t have kids? Is her sabbatical perhaps because she won’t be taking maternity? Is she usually funny about kids? As for me a lunch with an 11 month old is lovely - you can normally time it over their nap too so they are sleeping most of it! It’s not like you’re bringing a full of energy 2 year old!

MadeOfAllWork · 09/12/2023 08:00

I’m a little confused. I understand that work commitments mean that you now have to work on what you expected to be a day off, but doesn’t this mean that the lunch date has changed too?

If I was your friend I’d understand and change to January.

Viviennemary · 09/12/2023 08:00

You have agreed to the lunch and now want to change arrangements. Too annoying. Friend has probably been looking forward to this. Eleven month old at lunch taking up all your attention. Waste of time.

renthead · 09/12/2023 08:00

Is it your parents that you don't find reliable? Because otherwise I can't see why an 11 month old can't spend a day with grandparents.

2turtledoves · 09/12/2023 08:02

If a friend made it clear to me my baby was not wanted at a catch up lunch they wouldn't be a friend. It's not like its a big night out. I used to have a friend from school who would take the huff if I had to change a plan. I'd get responses like one word answers to make me feel guilty. She is no longer a friend.

Hibambinos · 09/12/2023 08:05

You have kids, and some times things happen. If your kid was sick, you couldn’t go, if the childminder was sick, you couldn’t go. With kids the odds are often unpredictable, so real friends accept this and go with the flow. Why doesn’t she travel to you seeing as she has so much time on her hands?
this friendship sounds like a one way street to me. It’s easy to be judgy when you are off on a jolly for a year whilst others struggle with kids and work.

HMW1906 · 09/12/2023 08:05

Why can’t you ask your parents for one day? Drop off as late as possible and head straight back to pick up as soon as you’re finished? Unless there’s some drip feed and your parents are awful or refuse to do child care or something then i‘m sure they’d jump at the chance.

BubbleBubbleBubbleBubblePop · 09/12/2023 08:06

If I were you, even if I could rearrange things to allow me to do the lunch, I wouldn't. Not after her behaviour. You've clearly got enough on your plate as a busy, working, single mum, you don't need the kind of 'friend' that would make you feel shit over a change of circumstances.

arethereanyleftatall · 09/12/2023 08:06

But you do have childcare.

So you can't say to your friend I can't meet you because I don't have childcare. So that's a lie.

You could say - I don't want to meet you because I don't want lo to be looked after so long by her grandparents and I don't want to pay for paid childcare plus I don't want her to be looked after by someone she doesn't know,

My point is it sounds like an excuse to get out of going.

It was one of the good things about having young dc - an instant excuse - if I recall correctly!

salamirose · 09/12/2023 08:06

YouJustDoYou · 09/12/2023 07:47

But op DOES have childcare (the grandparents), just doesn't feel happy to use them, which is fine - some of us literally have no one - no parents, no friends, no handy neighbours, no nursery spaces, nothing. So she could do it.

Show quote history

That's not childcare is it though. Grandparents who are unable to look after a child for a whole day for whatever reason are not a viable option

YireosDodeAver · 09/12/2023 08:08

Bormalife · 09/12/2023 07:16

@YireosDodeAver the venue isn’t local as we live far apart. The nature of my job means i have to pick up work with new projects. I can’t just opt out unfortunately.

So you have a job where you cannot make any kind of personal commitment? Can't buy theatre tickets or book holidays without accepting that you might be throwing money away because something might come up for work and you have no right to personal boundaries? Or are some personal commitments that are actually important to you ok to be ring-fenced, you've just chosen not to categorise this as such a commitment?

margotrose · 09/12/2023 08:09

You do have childcare, you just don't want to use it.

I'd be pretty annoyed with you too. The lunch has been in the diary for months so you should have had childcare in place a long time ago.

She doesn't want to go for lunch with an 11 month old and I can hardly blame her!

Rocknrollstar · 09/12/2023 08:10

I really don’t understand why 11 month old cant spend the day with your parents.

Guavafish1 · 09/12/2023 08:10

You sound flaky and I think your parents would be OK with your daughter for one off day.

I won't like the passive aggressive message too.

It's probably best not to make future plans like this again with your friend. As if you cancel at short notice (which could happen again) it will annoy them. If you do and this situation happens again it could compromise your friendship.

BurbageBrook · 09/12/2023 08:13

YANBU op. I wouldn't want to leave my baby for the day when I didn't have to for work either. She could easily see you with your baby but she doesn't want to.

MintJulia · 09/12/2023 08:14

Your 'friend' isn't much of a friend if she doesn't understand that no childcare is a common issue. Any single parent would understand that instantly.

You can take your dc with you or she could come to your home, or she could agree to postpone it. Loads of options. Why is it such a big deal when she has a whole year off?

Canisaysomething · 09/12/2023 08:15

Can’t your parents meet you at the lunch and just push your baby round in a pram for an hour while you catch up with your friend?

BurbageBrook · 09/12/2023 08:18

2turtledoves · 09/12/2023 08:02

If a friend made it clear to me my baby was not wanted at a catch up lunch they wouldn't be a friend. It's not like its a big night out. I used to have a friend from school who would take the huff if I had to change a plan. I'd get responses like one word answers to make me feel guilty. She is no longer a friend.

This! My friends brought their babies to lunch all the time before I had kids and it didn't bother me at all. It was lovely to see them. We're so child-unfriendly in our society sometimes.