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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend annoyed I have no childcare?

230 replies

Bormalife · 09/12/2023 07:04

Booked a Christmas style lunch at informal venue. No deposits. Friend is a currently braking a year off sabbatical which started in July. Anyway, two weeks before the day I realise I am under huge pressure with a work project. I have had to work extra days for this and it’s meant my one child free day was now a work day for the next few weeks, leaving me with one day off with dc. I can’t book an extra day in nursery as they don’t have space and I have no partner and don’t feel comfortable leaving dc with parents for a full day, she’s 11 months. Friend is now very annoyed, lots of passive aggressive comments that she wanted to meet without dc… ive explained the situation and offered to re arrange to jan. AIBU to think this is uncalled for? I’m really questioning the friendship.

OP posts:
Mrgwl29 · 09/12/2023 08:18

Man, this thread has been a bit unsympathetic to OP. I think maybe questioning the friendship is a bit much but your friend getting stroppy is a bit 🙄. It's life with young kids, especially if you're working and a lone parent! It's life, we're all adults with lots of competing pressures sometimes things don't go to plan and she should be a bit more understanding (passive aggressive comments are bleh, hate it)

Seeline · 09/12/2023 08:18

You haven't changed the date of the lunch, so I assume you always intended to take your baby with you. All this waffle about extra work is irrelevant.
I agree that lunch with a friend is going to be an entirely different experience if you have your baby with you. I can understand your friend being upset.

rainbowstardrops · 09/12/2023 08:18

You do have childcare, you just don't want to use it. That's up to you.
I have a friend who repeatedly bales on me at the last minute for flaky reasons and I've pretty much binned her off now.
Could you suggest your friend comes closer to you?

Canisaysomething · 09/12/2023 08:19

YireosDodeAver · 09/12/2023 08:08

So you have a job where you cannot make any kind of personal commitment? Can't buy theatre tickets or book holidays without accepting that you might be throwing money away because something might come up for work and you have no right to personal boundaries? Or are some personal commitments that are actually important to you ok to be ring-fenced, you've just chosen not to categorise this as such a commitment?

Show quote history

For project based free lance work (if that’s the kind of thing the OP does) you have to take the work when it comes. It’s like always being on call. I have had to cancel loads of social things because of work, that’s the nature of some peoples jobs. I’d still ask parents to look after DC in the OP’s case though.

Canisaysomething · 09/12/2023 08:21

OP you don’t need anyone else’s permission to cancel a social event, you are just getting a hard time because you have childcare and you just don’t want to use it. I think a lot of us would jump at the chance for our parents to look after our child for the day so we could go to lunch with a friend.

CrebillionFils · 09/12/2023 08:22

@amylou8 lovely 😵‍💫

CarpetSlipper · 09/12/2023 08:23

YANBU, obviously you have to put your parental responsibilities and work above seeing your friend. It’s also normal to want to spend time with your own child. She is being unreasonable for not understanding that it’s not a case of not wanting to see her but you have to prioritise your child and your job and there’s probably shit loads of things you’d like to do but can’t.

foxy123 · 09/12/2023 08:24

You're a single, working mother to an 11 month old! A lot of people would still be on mat leave but you're trying to juggle new motherhood, working and friendship. Your friend on the other hand who has had 6 months off work, with another 6 to go is being completely unreasonable. You can't do everything, friend should understand this.

GreatGateauxsby · 09/12/2023 08:24

Hard to know but I am not sure yanbu.

I get the childcare issue but Have also been "your friend" albeit I also had an 11month old

I had the shit all the time when meeting friends for child free lunch /dinner. They'd randomly bring their kid last minute.

She (like me) was prob really looking forward to a really nice lunch and catch up. Instead she's getting a rushed 1 hour affair with a baby which DOES change the dynamics.

phoenixrosehere · 09/12/2023 08:24

Why are you uncomfortable leaving your baby with their grandparents?

Are they not really involved? Don’t see baby often? Never had baby on their own? Wouldn’t have the time for the hours you would need? Baby wouldn’t settle for them?

Peablockfeathers · 09/12/2023 08:25

2turtledoves · 09/12/2023 08:02

If a friend made it clear to me my baby was not wanted at a catch up lunch they wouldn't be a friend. It's not like its a big night out. I used to have a friend from school who would take the huff if I had to change a plan. I'd get responses like one word answers to make me feel guilty. She is no longer a friend.

Really? Children change the dynamic- of course if a friend refuses to ever see you without your child might be a bit upsetting; but plenty of people including other parents value time without children.

xyz111 · 09/12/2023 08:28

Why don't you feel comfortable leaving DD with your parents?

Muchof · 09/12/2023 08:28

You aren’t making any sense, I see you are not answering the question about what was the plan for childcare in the first place. Your work situation doesn’t change anything in that regard. I’d be annoyed with you too if I were your friend.

2turtledoves · 09/12/2023 08:36

Peablockfeathers · 09/12/2023 08:25

Really? Children change the dynamic- of course if a friend refuses to ever see you without your child might be a bit upsetting; but plenty of people including other parents value time without children.

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It's a matter of opinion and priorities in life. If a friend was in OPs situation I would be delighted if she brought her baby along. There again I love the company of children at any age so for me it would enhance the experience not detract from it.

Charlize43 · 09/12/2023 08:36

I don't understand why no childcare provision was booked on the day that OP booked the lunch venue if the intention was not to bring the child.

The rest sounds like excuses and trying to shift blame onto friend.

ZenNudist · 09/12/2023 08:38

Need to know original childcare plan. From what I'm reading it sounds like you're flaking on her.

Mariposista · 09/12/2023 08:41

Are your parents willing to have kiddo for a full day? If yes, let them. ‘I’m not comfortable’ smacks of excuse to get out of it.Your parents raised you-they must be fairly competent. It’s one day!

Mumof2teens79 · 09/12/2023 08:42

I am confused
Has the date changed.
You now have to.work on your child free day...which presumably was the day you were meant to go.
So you do have another day but have dc?

Walkaround · 09/12/2023 08:43

What is a “child free day”? Who was looking after your child when you were “child free” once a week? Surely you were child free every work day, with your child in nursery? And what has all that got to do with the day you were supposed to meet your friend, as presumably that was always a child and work free day by design? I’m afraid I don’t understand how you have got yourself into this position? Why was a space not booked in nursery for that day months ago???

MolkosTeenageAngst · 09/12/2023 08:44

I don’t understand, what was your original childcare plan? I don’t understand how that has changed, if the nursery don’t have space for her to do it as an extra day then that would have always been the case? So why did you agree to this if there was no way for you to get childcare?

Pipsquiggle · 09/12/2023 08:44

It sounds like the date of the meet up has not changed so what was the original childcare arrangement on this date? Not sure why you are bringing work commitments into it when the meet up date hasn't changed.

TBH bringing a DC /baby to a grown up catch up completely changes the dynamic and can be a PIA.

Original poster
Bormalife · 09/12/2023 08:45

To clarify. I usually have two days off work a week. One day I have dc in childcare at nursery and one day I spend with them. Due to a huge influx of work I have had to postpone my annual leave in December (where I had been having the two days off a week) which means I am now working on the day dc is in nursery which is unusually my day off. I raised this two weeks before the lunch do didn’t think it was a huge problem and said I could either bring dc or do a date in January instead

OP posts:
GettingColdFeet · 09/12/2023 08:47

I read it as the OP had booked lunch on her usual child free day but now feels under pressure to work that day instead. OP can't change lunch/working dates as there are no other free days available at nursery and the grandparents can't have her child for a full day.

Honestly, unless you are always really flakey and have already batted off several other lunch dates, it's just one of those things. It's ok for your friend to be disappointed but equally life happens too. If she's not prepared to look at alternatives (distance, bringing your child, moving the date into 2024) then I'd probably stop booking things far in advance with her and move to do things with short notice when you know you're free.

Walkaround · 09/12/2023 08:47

You still aren’t making sense. Why arrange a child free lunch on a day you always knew you didn’t have childcare?!

Snugglemonkey · 09/12/2023 08:48

Notonthestairs · 09/12/2023 07:30

You've given two weeks notice of a cancelled lunch.
You haven't cancelled because you got a better offer but because a change of work plans and now have childcare issues.

You have offered alternative dates. .

I would consider that fair enough. But MN will bend over backwards to tell you that you deserve the pass agg treatment.

I agree. It is this kind of shite that makes me just avoid any arrangement that I cannot bring my baby to.