Friend annoyed I have no childcare?

[Bormalife]

Booked a Christmas style lunch at informal venue. No deposits. Friend is a currently braking a year off sabbatical which started in July. Anyway, two weeks before the day I realise I am under huge pressure with a work project. I have had to work extra days for this and it’s meant my one child free day was now a work day for the next few weeks, leaving me with one day off with dc. I can’t book an extra day in nursery as they don’t have space and I have no partner and don’t feel comfortable leaving dc with parents for a full day, she’s 11 months. Friend is now very annoyed, lots of passive aggressive comments that she wanted to meet without dc… ive explained the situation and offered to re arrange to jan. AIBU to think this is uncalled for? I’m really questioning the friendship.

@Bormalife - I genuinely don’t understand your posts. You say you normally have 2 days off work a week, for one of which your child is in nursery and for one of which your child is with you. You agreed to a child free lunch with your friend. You now apparently cannot be child free on the day agreed, but will be work free. How was that ever going to be a day you would be child free, as it is clearly not the nursery day?

@IfYouDontAsk yeah I think I was quite direct about it, I did say sorry but perhaps could have been more apologetic. I think I just thought it wouldn’t be a big deal to bring dc or move to January when I have childcare

Surely she comes to you, change venue and parents then only need to have your child for a couple of hours.

Don't be ridiculous. She did not lie. Stuff happens. She has a job and a child. She hoped to juggle things, it didn't work out. She is bringing a baby, big deal.

But either of those 2 choices can't be the original plan if that date booked ages ago was on a nursery day. You've agreed with others saying she can't move a day, obviously not if you planned it so far in advance.

I think we’re missing a key piece of information.

If you have to now work on your nursery day, did you ask your friend if she could change the date of your lunch?

So what was the childcare plan?

I think op lied about it ever being a child free day as she knows her friend wanted time with her.
Otherwise the date doesn't make sense. And why Jan not another day much sooner?

Your ‘friend’ is not you friend, and is rather childish. Unless you are 11, she needs to get a grip, and you need to not stress about it. Live your life and what’s best for you and your child.

What does your friend having a sabbatical have anything to do with it?

It's a shame your friend can't be more accommodating - do they have kids? I've found my friends with kids less happy when childcare falls through because of how rare it is to have a child-free meal!

This. And you are questioning the entire friendship now because she is disappointed that the plans you had made together can no longer happen or that you are bringing your baby which totally changes the dynamic, as you have made everything else a priority. I wouldn't like to be your friend.

Yabu. Flaky and rude.

Personally, I would have made it clear to my friend from the start that I might have to bring my baby with me, especially if I hadn’t even booked any childcare.

Honestly, if I was a single working mother I would not give up my one day with my child in order to travel a long distance for lunch with a friend.

I understand your friend will be disappointed, I have been that friend, too.

Taking your child with you is a reasonable compromise.

She has taken a year off work, it isn’t everyone else’s job to keep her entertained amongst work and parenthood.

I don't understand the set up either. If you are meeting for lunch but would need to leave the baby with grandparents all day, does that mean you offered to do a 3 hour drive to lunch and a 3 hour drive back with an 11 month old in the car?

That lunch would not go well! I would have left DS with my parents at that age.

Honestly I think you just got busy and wanted to drop it - we all do that occasionally. I would have felt bad about it until she started whining, but the more she did that, the more I would have thought "do I even want to reschedule?"

I guess she does see it as a big deal though. Maybe she finds that her friends with children are always changing plans on a whim, with little thought as to whether she’s ok with it and feels that she’s always expected to change her plans to suit them.

I think friendships between mums and women without children can often become strained and when they don’t look at things from the other’s perspective. Childfree women don’t always cut their mum friends slack/understanding for how their lives have changed and that they have much less control over their lives since having a child. Mums can sometimes expect their childfree friends to simply jump when they say how high, and expect the childfree friend to always be the one bending to what suits them, without so much as a word of thanks.

If it were me I’d go back to her and say something along the lines that you understand that she’s disappointed in the change of plans, that you were just trying to give her the best options for meeting up in light of the change to your work situation (which you can’t do anything about) but that in hindsight you realise that you didn’t word things as well you could have done.

If see how she reacts to that. If she’s still fed up with you then I’d maybe take a step back but maybe that will just soothe the waters a bit.

I can’t make sense of the days either. So, OP has two days free. Day A - no work, yes childcare. Day B - no work, no childcare.

Lunch booked for Day A. OP is now working on Day A when baby is in childcare. So OP is not free for lunch on Day A.

Lunch now changed to Day B, presumably? But OP has to bring baby.

But the OP hasn’t mentioned changing the day from A to B?

I still don't understand (have just got up and still no coffee). Wouldn't the dc have been booked into nursery on the day of the lunch? Wouldn't that be the first thing to do when making the lunch arrangement with friend? Did you change the lunch date?

I have a couple of friends who are lone parents and I would never demand we meet child free. It’s hard enough juggling work, childcare etc on your own and stuff can go wrong/fall through or just change like this. The friend sounds unreasonable (unless maybe she also looking for child free time of her own and was disappointed?).

Shame you don't trust your parents - why is that?

@EddieMunson exactly as if the OP changed date, it’s pretty crucial to story. The friend may not be happy about the change of date AND bringing the child.
This is different to what the OP was making out.

If the OP ‘put this bluntly’ to her friend as she said she did, I can see why the friend would be unhappy.

Now the OP wants to feel hard done by and I’m not sure why.

Sounds to me like the OP’s friend invested more importance in this lunch date than the OP did. Not to have arranged childcare at the time of agreeing to a child free lunch is not to have given much thought to the arrangement. So, it was a casual arrangement for the OP, and something more important for her friend, imvho.

OK, I get it now. You are no longer free on the arranged date and the only other day you are free you have no childcare. That's unfortunate, but just one of those things and your friend will just have to understand.

Just ask to move the venue nearer you and leave your DC with your parents for the shorter amount of time.

This is something the OP is strangely reticent to confirm. No mention of the lunch date having to be moved because she is now working on that day, only mention of her not being child free on the day agreed months ago.