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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

The existence of Father Christmas is a lie that children shouldn’t be told

400 replies

maybein2022 · 08/12/2023 20:20

I’ve noticed on social media recently that a LOT of people are posting about not allowing their children to believe in Father Christmas. The rationale being they don’t lie to their children about other things, and it doesn’t sit comfortably with them to create this big ‘lie’. Some talk about how St Nicholas was a real person, some talk about how other children believe in the magic so they shouldn’t spoil it for them etc.

My eldest two are way past believing but it never occurred to me that it was anything more than a harmless story/magic that they would grow out of believing. But I now have a baby/toddler too (too young to understand this year) and wondering if we do the whole thing again.

We’ve always done stockings from FC as small, inexpensive gifts, and always done bigger under the tree gifts from us. A lot of the issue comes with of course not all children will get any gifts at all, and therefore it’s awful if they believe in FC and are disappointed or think they’ve been ‘bad’ (kids living in poverty with no parental money to buy anything, kids living with domestic violence etc). Also the idea that FC brings some kids big gifts and some just small.

So: (I am still on the fence anyway about it all)

YANBU: It’s fine, FC is a magical thing that it’s fine for kids to believe in.
YABU: A lie is a lie, kids shouldn’t believe in FC.

OP posts:
LegoDeathTrap · 08/12/2023 20:21

It’s not that black and white. You can pretend but make it clear in tone and level of detail that it’s pretend.

Where I draw the line is answering serious questions honestly.

Newsenmum · 08/12/2023 20:21

Honestly, I absolutely adored it as a child and still love it now. I believed it but as I grew older my parents were careful to always say “well, what do you think?” With a twinkle in their eye when asked if it was real. I slowly learned and was in no way traumatised! So I am doing the same with mine, who also adore it.

Mummyofthewildones · 08/12/2023 20:22

They're only little once, the magic and excitement of Santa visiting is something I can still remember from when I was small! I don't feel it's the same as teaching them that it's OK to lie.

Newsenmum · 08/12/2023 20:23

LegoDeathTrap · 08/12/2023 20:21

It’s not that black and white. You can pretend but make it clear in tone and level of detail that it’s pretend.

Where I draw the line is answering serious questions honestly.

Exactly, when they get to the age when they really really question it I plan on saying “well what do you want to believe?” And “well if you believe it then you get a stocking” and smile, stuff like that. Or I’ll just tell the truth lol depends on the child.

carddino · 08/12/2023 20:24

I love the magic of Christmas, looking up to the sky and hoping for a miracle.

I think for me the magic is about kindness, be it Santa Claus showing that in a magic way or teaching children kindness, I'm whatever way you can.

I've tried very hard to do that with my children, and whilst I don't always get it right I think that if we can spread that magic a little and help someone who needs it then that can only be a good thing.

KezzaMucklowe · 08/12/2023 20:25

My dts know the truth now and both of them are glad that we lied.
They both said that it was a magical time, although one of them was a bit disappointed when we told him the truth. I still remember his little face when we broke the news.
He thinks it was worth it though, so I have no regrets.

NonanteNeuf · 08/12/2023 20:26

There are some miserable people in the world. Goodness me.

Coolhwip · 08/12/2023 20:26

I do think there is a lot of hypocrisy in the UK, with people making fun of religious people and saying they believe in a flying spaghetti monster, etc and then come Christmas time these same people lie through their teeth to their children and hijack all the customs of Saturnalia / Christianity.

TheDogIsInCharge · 08/12/2023 20:26

slow news day?

EasterMummie · 08/12/2023 20:27

When has anyone ever been negatively impacted by this bit of childhood magic?

Reugny · 08/12/2023 20:27

I can't vote.

My DD last year, aged 4, decided that Santa/Father Christmas, fairies, ghosts etc were all made up.

She decided to play along after I told her that other children her age believed in Father Christmas and she shouldn't upset other children.

Oh and she's learnt to blame the parent she isn't with at the time for her beliefs.

And no we didn't tell her.

BusySittingDown · 08/12/2023 20:27

YANBU I don't know a single person in real life who felt betrayed when they realised Santa wasn't real.

I feel like most people see it as a sort of game that they outgrow in the end anyway.

My children absolutely loved believing in Santa Claus and we still do things as if he is real, ie. Presents and stockings appear as if "he's been" and they still love it. They didn't feel lied to. Nor did I when I figured out the truth, as a child, I felt that it was lovely that my parents went through such efforts to create magic and special memories.

Eveningintheafternoon · 08/12/2023 20:30

I don’t mind a little play along for very young children but I do feel a little uncomfortable at some aspects of it all. Given the choice I probably wouldn’t ‘do’ Santa but don’t want mine to be the odd one out.

LinguisticallyCunning · 08/12/2023 20:31

Mine are 11 & 12 and still "believe" in Santa. I've never actually told them the truth!

girlfriend44 · 08/12/2023 20:32

The problem about Santa is that it brainwashed and manipulates people.

They carry it on with their children, and their children carry it on with theirs etc.

It's good to see some people breaking free from this?
It's all a tremendous pressure and expense on parents too.

Original poster
maybein2022 · 08/12/2023 20:34

Interesting responses so far.

This is why I’m so on the fence. Part of me thinks for my older two it was a really magical time. And they certainly don’t feel lied to or upset now- just enjoyed the magic whilst it lasted and are excited to be part of that for their younger sibling. I don’t know, SM is just full of stuff about it not being a good thing to go along with.

For those of you who are in the ‘definitely let them believe’ camp, what would you say if they were say very young (reception age maybe) and they came home in the new year saying x child didn’t get a visit from Santa?’ (Ie because of a reason I outlined in my OP).

Also what about the whole ‘good/bad’ narrative ie if you’re good FC comes if you’re not he doesn’t? That’s one I definitely don’t love.

OP posts:
Owlsoutsidethewindow · 08/12/2023 20:34

This comes from gentle parenting notions. We practice gentle parenting but this is one of the few things I don't agree with.

Santa brings presents in our house. We don’t use him as a threat e.g. Santa won't come if you keep doing that, we don't do naughty or nice list, and he doesn't watch you while you're sleeping - how creepy.

SaturdayGiraffe · 08/12/2023 20:34

My issue with Father Christmas is the “If you’re GOOD he’ll bring you presents” which logically leaves children who don’t get presents concluding they aren’t good enough.

Which is a wretched thought to give a child.

persisted · 08/12/2023 20:35

I loved stories (and still do) fairies, dragons, hobbits, elves, giants, all of it.
I didn't really think they were real, or not real, they were real enough in the story and you suspend your belief. Father Christmas is surely just more of the same?

You might as well ban all stories, fairy tales, imaginative play, and we'd be worse for it.

NotEvenThought · 08/12/2023 20:35

My kids never believed Santa was real but they loved to pretend in the same way they loved to play other make believe games. It didnt cross my mind to try to get them to genuinely believe Santa was real. They all loved Christmas. Their Christmases were in no way any less 'magical' than any other kids. Maybe it was because they were more into role play and imaginary play than some of their friends.

cakeorwine · 08/12/2023 20:37

Why doesn't Santa come to some children in the UK?
How will Santa get to Gaza? The Ukraine?
Will all children get presents?

Just some of the awkward potential questions a child could ask.

Do we need Santa as an idea?

Eveningintheafternoon · 08/12/2023 20:37

It isn’t just the ‘if you’re good’ narrative. I honestly think most adults do it for them, not their child. It’s that which makes me a bit uncomfortable, I think.

plumtreebroke · 08/12/2023 20:38

I still put out a mince pie, a carrot and a glass of sherry!
I always said Santa brought one present.

cakeorwine · 08/12/2023 20:38

SaturdayGiraffe · 08/12/2023 20:34

My issue with Father Christmas is the “If you’re GOOD he’ll bring you presents” which logically leaves children who don’t get presents concluding they aren’t good enough.

Which is a wretched thought to give a child.

And why does Santa give some children amazing presents but others get ok presents?

How does he decide what to give?

girlfriend44 · 08/12/2023 20:38

EasterMummie · 08/12/2023 20:27

When has anyone ever been negatively impacted by this bit of childhood magic?

In a way they are though. They then feel compelled to carry it on with their own children.

It's Manipulative.