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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Did I really ruin Christmas for my family?

181 replies

Porcupineapple · 08/12/2023 17:21

For context: I have always hosted Christmas with my DM (her nice house, my okay cooking, games etc). My brother (DB?) and SIL have occasionally turned up , but very infrequently. Normally they are travelling to see her family overseas, on holiday or with their friends.

For the first time ever this year, DB decided to host Christmas. Which was great! (Although there was no room for us to stay with him apparently, which was not so great as we are hundreds of miles from him).

Anyway, DB is not speaking to me because DH and I had to pull out.

We gave DB and SIL 2 months’ notice and offered to pay for anything they had already ordered for us.

We also suggested a Christmas dinner on another day (e.g at a restaurant which we’d be happy to arrange). No response.

He is apparently extra upset because he and DSIL are emigrating next year and this is their last Christmas in the UK .

This emigration story was news to me!
He has said they would move for the last 5 years but nothing ever happens. I did say that we would of course come and visit them as soon as they were happy for us to, if they leave the UK in 2024. I also asked him what concrete steps they had taken towards the move (answer: none).

The reason we pulled out is that my husband’s auntie and uncle announced they were unexpectedly coming over to London at Christmas (from overseas). My husband didn’t want them left on their own, he is very close to them. DB has never met them so understandably didn’t want them at his for Xmas.

DH was further insistent about not leaving them alone because two years ago we had to leave DFIL and DMIL on their own at Christmas in favour of my family (another story).

DB has now stopped the rest of my family going to theirs for Christmas - DH and I have therefore apparently ‘cancelled Christmas’ for my DM and my auntie and uncle, who they were supposed to be hosting.

I do not understand why us not going stops everyone else being able to go to DB’s.
My DH is also fuming about this because we have made sure my DM is not on her own every Christmas and he feels we are being made out to be grinchey-Scrooge type people ruining the festive season for everyone.

Since then , ridiculously, DH’s auntie and uncle have moved their flight, meaning we COULD actually do Christmas after all, but DH has got so fed up with us being blamed for cancelling Christmas , that he has booked us a couple of nights away 24th-27th.

This has further enraged DB which I understand to some extent.

I feel trapped between a rock and hard place but ultimately support my husband. I do understand my brother is disappointed and hurt but I feel he is adopting one rule for himself and another for us. AIBU to think he is being unfair to cancel Christmas for everyone else and seemingly blame us?

OP posts:
sweetpickle23 · 08/12/2023 17:23

Your brother is OTT but also its a bit rude to cancel on going round to someone's for Christmas because you got a better offer. He's being childish though.

Original poster
Porcupineapple · 08/12/2023 17:25

@sweetpickle23 , thanks - I get that it seems rude, though it wasn’t a better offer. It’s the fact that my husband’s elderly relatives were coming and they’d have been on their own otherwise. We would rather have gone to my brother’s.

OP posts:
sweetpickle23 · 08/12/2023 17:26

Okay, then they're rude for dropping in knowing/expecting you would change your plans.

Could you have gone alone, and your DH sees his family? I realise it's moot now as they've changed their dates but that's probably what I would have done.

NorthernAttitude · 08/12/2023 17:26

Your brother is being very precious. You gave 2 months notice. I can kind of understand him feeling very mildly put out that you ditched them because you prioritised someone else higher but to uninvite everyone else is ridiculous. I bet he just can't be arsed, wants to do something else and it's easier to pin it on you.

ManateeFair · 08/12/2023 17:26

Your brother is being absolutely ridiculous. He's behaving like a child.

So yeah, I'm with your DH on this.

Wavyline · 08/12/2023 17:30

Your brother is being ridiculous - in cancelling the whole thing. You and DH are a bit rude because you'd already accepted his invitation but honestly, it's only one bloody day. So now you offer to host all the cancelled family members and invite DH's relatives along too.

MrsToothyBitch · 08/12/2023 17:35

Your brother is ridiculous. Can you & Dh not divide & conquer given that your brother- ott or not- is emigrating?

Original poster
Porcupineapple · 08/12/2023 17:35

@sweetpickle23 , yes, fair point. I know it may sound pathetic but after years of separating so each family were happy, we said we’d spend our Christmasses together where we possibly can. DH works away a lot so we don’t get loads of time together.

OP posts:
PercyPigsInBlankets · 08/12/2023 17:35

So you ditched your family to make yourselves available for a visit from DH’s family, who then ditched you?

If I were your brother, I would be pissed off with you too. And then going on holiday instead of asking to reinstate your plans really hammers home just how little you appear to care about him.

VickyEadieofThigh · 08/12/2023 17:35

I'm surprised that this elderly aunt and uncle booked flights without consulting you. They were taking a massive risk that you'd been invited elsewhere. Which you HAD.

Rudolphtherednoseddog · 08/12/2023 17:37

This is one where I’d love to hear brother’s side to the story.

Honestly I think you were very rude to pull out to host people who surely realised they be “alone” at Christmas when they booked their flights. (And being in a couple is not “alone” anyway.) At very most your husband should have hosted his relatives and you should have gone to your brother as planned.

I do think your brother is being ridiculous to cancel Christmas for the rest of your family over it though.

YourNameGoesHere · 08/12/2023 17:38

Rudolphtherednoseddog · 08/12/2023 17:37

This is one where I’d love to hear brother’s side to the story.

Honestly I think you were very rude to pull out to host people who surely realised they be “alone” at Christmas when they booked their flights. (And being in a couple is not “alone” anyway.) At very most your husband should have hosted his relatives and you should have gone to your brother as planned.

I do think your brother is being ridiculous to cancel Christmas for the rest of your family over it though.

Agreed. You've obviously worded it to make him sound like an arse and whilst his behavior isn't great yours is so rude! I can't believe you just pulled out completely and the fact it's the first time they've hosted makes it seem all the more rude.

Original poster
Porcupineapple · 08/12/2023 17:40

@YourNameGoesHere , I really haven’t worded it to make him sound like an arse - this is what happened! Given 50% of people are telling me I’m really rude , surely it’s evident I have tried to present this in as balanced a way as possible!

OP posts:
Travis1 · 08/12/2023 17:40

Even if the Op was the biggest cunt on earth it doesn’t give the brother an excuse to dump his mother. Sounds like they were looking for an out and you gave them it. Or they expected you to do all the running about on Christmas Day. Enjoy your break with your husband

Original poster
Porcupineapple · 08/12/2023 17:41

@VickyEadieofThigh they won some money and really wanted to visit as they have never been. But yes, it is a risky thing to do

OP posts:
DormantWindow · 08/12/2023 17:41

I think the elderly family members from abroad trump the brother. That may be a cultural thing for me. Though we would also welcome random extra ‘family’ to any important event too.

Original poster
Porcupineapple · 08/12/2023 17:44

@Wavyline , we had originally suggested everyone came to ours. It was a no because my family haven’t met his aunt and uncle.

OP posts:
Mumoftwoboysaged4and5 · 08/12/2023 17:44

You are not being unreasonable at all OP! It’s not as though you cancelled the day before, it was two months! How much food could he have bought? Even he had bought stuff there were five other adults.

I can’t believe the people saying you’re rude to cancel when you’re clearly in a difficult position either way. I think you did the right thing sacking off all the drama and going away on your own. I bet on Boxing Day we’ll have the usual posters saying ‘oh I wish I’d done what I wanted to do for Christmas instead of spending time with difficult people’ and yet these are the same people who martyr themselves every year.

Just be free, do what you want, and enjoy Christmas. You never know what could happen in the next 12 months, and life is too short for family drama dictating your life.

LimeCheesecake · 08/12/2023 17:45

I don’t understand why you not going means your brother couldn’t spend Christmas with your mum and aunt.

you told him in October you going, that’s not last minute, I can only presume that he was hoping you’d do a lot of the work.

Pipistrellus · 08/12/2023 17:45

Couldn't you have done both on different days? Assuming you are off work until new year?

autienotnaughty · 08/12/2023 17:47

It was rude of you to cancel to host dh family. Your db was potentially looking forward to having you all for once.

It was strange he cancelled everyone, does he typically spit the dummy? Or was he planning for you to cook.

I don't blame your dh for being annoyed at his antics but he really shouldn't have booked time away without speaking to you.

Original poster
Porcupineapple · 08/12/2023 17:48

@DormantWindow , husband’s family are Indian. So yes it does seem to be a cultural thing to some extent.

OP posts:
lesdeluges · 08/12/2023 17:49

Let him have his childish tantrum. Father Christmas won't leave anything in his stocking now.

Life ain't fair and having a strop about this is not on. You could all meet up in January for a meal or something and hear ALL about the nailed down plans for emigration.

I refuse to be part of Christmas anymore. I have a wonderful close loving family but the shenanigans from friends to meet up and be here there and everywhere drive me mad. So off to the sun I go for three whole weeks. It's not emigration, but I'm like a migrating bird going South for the Winter.

Rudolphtherednoseddog · 08/12/2023 17:50

I think the amount of notice is completely missing the point. OP as good as said to brother that he was second choice, behind two people who made a last minute, poorly arranged visit they’ve then reneged on anyway. They weren’t “alone”, and if they’re flying abroad for Christmas they aren’t super frail elderly either.

I understand how the DH might feel aggrieved he’d have to miss out on seeing people he’d much rather see, but thems the breaks.

Delatron · 08/12/2023 17:50

He’s overreacted massively but I can see why he’s annoyed. The elderly relatives should have checked first. And then they’ve moved plans again?

You should have stuck with the original plan and explained the situation to the Aunt and Uncle and then seen them in Boxing Day or something.

No need for your brother to cancel your Mum too. That’s quite spiteful.