Did I really ruin Christmas for my family?

[Porcupineapple]

For context: I have always hosted Christmas with my DM (her nice house, my okay cooking, games etc). My brother (DB?) and SIL have occasionally turned up , but very infrequently. Normally they are travelling to see her family overseas, on holiday or with their friends.

For the first time ever this year, DB decided to host Christmas. Which was great! (Although there was no room for us to stay with him apparently, which was not so great as we are hundreds of miles from him).

Anyway, DB is not speaking to me because DH and I had to pull out.

We gave DB and SIL 2 months’ notice and offered to pay for anything they had already ordered for us.

We also suggested a Christmas dinner on another day (e.g at a restaurant which we’d be happy to arrange). No response.

He is apparently extra upset because he and DSIL are emigrating next year and this is their last Christmas in the UK .

This emigration story was news to me!
He has said they would move for the last 5 years but nothing ever happens. I did say that we would of course come and visit them as soon as they were happy for us to, if they leave the UK in 2024. I also asked him what concrete steps they had taken towards the move (answer: none).

The reason we pulled out is that my husband’s auntie and uncle announced they were unexpectedly coming over to London at Christmas (from overseas). My husband didn’t want them left on their own, he is very close to them. DB has never met them so understandably didn’t want them at his for Xmas.

DH was further insistent about not leaving them alone because two years ago we had to leave DFIL and DMIL on their own at Christmas in favour of my family (another story).

DB has now stopped the rest of my family going to theirs for Christmas - DH and I have therefore apparently ‘cancelled Christmas’ for my DM and my auntie and uncle, who they were supposed to be hosting.

I do not understand why us not going stops everyone else being able to go to DB’s.
My DH is also fuming about this because we have made sure my DM is not on her own every Christmas and he feels we are being made out to be grinchey-Scrooge type people ruining the festive season for everyone.

Since then , ridiculously, DH’s auntie and uncle have moved their flight, meaning we COULD actually do Christmas after all, but DH has got so fed up with us being blamed for cancelling Christmas , that he has booked us a couple of nights away 24th-27th.

This has further enraged DB which I understand to some extent.

I feel trapped between a rock and hard place but ultimately support my husband. I do understand my brother is disappointed and hurt but I feel he is adopting one rule for himself and another for us. AIBU to think he is being unfair to cancel Christmas for everyone else and seemingly blame us?

@PercyPigsInBlankets @Alohapotato I think that’s a bit of an unfair way of reading it, but you can read it like that.

I do care about my brother. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t feel bad. If I didn’t , I wouldn’t have apologised and offered other solutions. So you can say all the other things about me but you’re wrong about that.

Why couldn’t the uncle and Aunty see your MIL and FIL?

Then they wouldn’t have been on their own?

I think your DH just used this as an excuse not to go to your brothers tbh.

I think he would rather spend it with his own parents.

You should not have cancelled on your brother and it was a shitty thing to do.

But your brother is completely over-reacting and being very childish.
He’s throwing his toys out of the pram and punishing everyone else for what you and DH did.

Why does DH not see his own parents on Christmas usually?

Your brother sounds insufferable and I’m agog at these YABU votes.

If my Christmas plans fell through because my host pulled a strop because someone else couldn’t make it I’d be so annoyed.

Your bro also sounds like an AH not inviting the elderly Aunt and Uncle. It’s not exactly in the Christmas spirit.

If you spent every Christmas with your brother and you were randomly dropping him this year I’d kind of get it, but it sounds like he’s not usually that bothered about spending it with you and your mum?

ALSO, where were you going to be staying, if not at his? I wouldn’t be surprised if a guest I couldn’t accommodate decided not to come.

P.S, I’ll eat my hat if your bother emigrates next year 😂

I think you're all rude. Your brother is behaving like brat for cancelling the whole day and blaming you but you're out of order for cancelling because your husband's relatives decided to fly in. They're also rude to announce they're coming and expect to be catered to and then changing the plans.

Your brother is OTT but also it's a bit rude to cancel on going round to someone's for Christmas because you got a better offer. He's being childish though.

🤔 It was nothing about receiving a 'better offer'.

OP, sounds to me as though your DB is childish, selfish and unreasonable. Just make sure the rest of your family know what actually happened.

@Xmasblues my husband is from another country. All his family live there.

You were not important enough to your brother for him to put you up for the night, "Although there was no room for us to stay with him apparently, which was not so great as we are hundreds of miles from him" – but because you have elected not to travel hundreds of miles for the pleasure of eating at his house but having to pay to sleep elsewhere, you are a villain who has forced him to cancel the Christmas arrangements of everyone else in the family.

The man's a nerk. I hope the rest of your family are able to see through this patent bullshit of his.

@Porcupineapple

I don't get why your DM, auntie & uncle aren't still going, do you mean that your DB has cancelled the whole thing? Were you and DH providing transportation and now they have no way to get there unless DB does the round trip?

The general 'rule' is that you don't cancel after an acceptance if another offer comes up, be it a 'better' offer or no. So I can see why your DB is upset as far as that goes. My family is the 'more the merrier' type so your 'visitors' would have been invited to dinner. Although arrangements would have to be made for overnight accommodations.

If your DB and your DM have been unkind to your DH or made him feel lesser than a full member of the family I can see why DH would use the first excuse to cancel going. If I were DH I'd probably flatly refuse to go ever simply based on that alone. So it kind of sounds to me as if DB and DM may be getting their just desserts.

@separableRogueries correct, he is not normally bothered about spending it with us. The fact he was hosting was a complete shock.

I don’t know where he expected us to stay, we had provisionally booked a Travel lodge.

I also do not think he will emigrate.

1. Why won't your brother still host the rest of your family?

2. Knowing the above, why did your husband book for you to go away when he knew what an arse your brother was being?

@AcrossthePond55 correct, he has cancelled for everyone. We weren’t transporting anyone - we don’t even have a car!

agree that my DB has a right to be upset

YABU for cancelling your plans
Your brother's unreasonable for cancelling the day
Your DH's family is unreasonable for cancelling on you.
Your DH is unreasonable for booking a holiday over Christmas (didn't he consult with you?).

I also feel there is more to the story or a different perspective to be heard.

If you've committed to spend Christmas with someone, especially when it's their first time hosting, it's extremely shitty behaviour to cancel just so you can spend it with someone else instead. YABVU.

While I agree about the brother, it sounds as though the same applies to the OP’s DH.

The OP says there have been previous issues between her DH and her DB (and DM). That may be DB’s fault or may be because two selfish, self-centred me, me, meeee types who both think they are the centre of the world never get on.

OP - do you ever stand up for what you want or have you gone from catering to your unreasonable brother to catering to your unreasonable husband?

It is rude to cancel for a better offer - the fact the OP’s DB’s reaction was excessive doesn’t alter the fact that she and her DH kicked off the whole incident by making it clear they were only going to her DB’s because they hadn’t got anything better to do before cancelling the minute they had an alternative. I’m not surprised he was upset. I would be in his place.

At least you told your DB. My brother and sister in law are no longer coming to ours and haven’t had the decency to tell us. We’ve heard through the grapevine!

So you are all 5 hours from DB? And he sometimes comes to you for xmas?

I can see why he's pissed off with you cancelling him for a better offer.

However - I wouldn't cancel everyone else. I'd make sure I did the best Christmas ever so in future they'd want to come to mine to save me the travelling elsewhere!

OP why couldn’t your Aunty and uncle have spent Christmas Day with your FIL and MIL?

@Nanny0gg

1. genuinely don’t know
2. he wants us to get away from everyone and all the drama.

Nobody comes out of this with any great credit tbh.

By causing significantly more drama?

Your DH may have good reason not to want to socialise with your family but he’s really not coming across well based on what you are posting (though your brother is coming across worse).

Two men acting like toddlers throwing their toys out of the pram with you (and to a lesser extent the rest of your family) stuck in the middle.

I think you're all rude here.

You've been rude (but not hugely) by pulling out on plans with your brother.

The elderly visiting relatives have been rude planning a visit without checking you'd be available.

Your brother has been a huge-dickhead level of rude for cancelling the whole thing for everyone and ruining plans for your parents.

Your family are rude refusing an invite to yours because they haven't met your DH's aunt and uncle before.....who cares?!

Whatever the story is, it doesn’t matter because you gave two months notice. Our family normally do something early December if we can’t all meet up. Ridiculous they have the hump with you!!!

^^This

What has your brother said to your mother and what has your mother said to you?

You did say, sorry.

I think the Aunty and uncle were quite rude to announce to someone that they’ll be joining them for Christmas Day, without even asking first.

Thanks for everyone’s comments. I can see the majority think I have behaved terribly and I will bear that in mind for the future and try to do better. I’ve already apologised and offered lots of options to DB , for information.

For the few who said something kind - thank you.