Did I really ruin Christmas for my family?

[Porcupineapple]

For context: I have always hosted Christmas with my DM (her nice house, my okay cooking, games etc). My brother (DB?) and SIL have occasionally turned up , but very infrequently. Normally they are travelling to see her family overseas, on holiday or with their friends.

For the first time ever this year, DB decided to host Christmas. Which was great! (Although there was no room for us to stay with him apparently, which was not so great as we are hundreds of miles from him).

Anyway, DB is not speaking to me because DH and I had to pull out.

We gave DB and SIL 2 months’ notice and offered to pay for anything they had already ordered for us.

We also suggested a Christmas dinner on another day (e.g at a restaurant which we’d be happy to arrange). No response.

He is apparently extra upset because he and DSIL are emigrating next year and this is their last Christmas in the UK .

This emigration story was news to me!
He has said they would move for the last 5 years but nothing ever happens. I did say that we would of course come and visit them as soon as they were happy for us to, if they leave the UK in 2024. I also asked him what concrete steps they had taken towards the move (answer: none).

The reason we pulled out is that my husband’s auntie and uncle announced they were unexpectedly coming over to London at Christmas (from overseas). My husband didn’t want them left on their own, he is very close to them. DB has never met them so understandably didn’t want them at his for Xmas.

DH was further insistent about not leaving them alone because two years ago we had to leave DFIL and DMIL on their own at Christmas in favour of my family (another story).

DB has now stopped the rest of my family going to theirs for Christmas - DH and I have therefore apparently ‘cancelled Christmas’ for my DM and my auntie and uncle, who they were supposed to be hosting.

I do not understand why us not going stops everyone else being able to go to DB’s.
My DH is also fuming about this because we have made sure my DM is not on her own every Christmas and he feels we are being made out to be grinchey-Scrooge type people ruining the festive season for everyone.

Since then , ridiculously, DH’s auntie and uncle have moved their flight, meaning we COULD actually do Christmas after all, but DH has got so fed up with us being blamed for cancelling Christmas , that he has booked us a couple of nights away 24th-27th.

This has further enraged DB which I understand to some extent.

I feel trapped between a rock and hard place but ultimately support my husband. I do understand my brother is disappointed and hurt but I feel he is adopting one rule for himself and another for us. AIBU to think he is being unfair to cancel Christmas for everyone else and seemingly blame us?

OP why couldn’t your Aunty and uncle have spent Christmas Day with your FIL and MIL?
I never get people trying to push strangers together at Christmas time, it’s a time for family or at least a time for you to chill, most people can’t do that with people they don’t know!!

I agree.
You don’t drop someone when something else comes up.
He’s made the effort to go to DM’s when OP helps host Christmas, I can completely understand DB being pissed off when he was looking forward to hosting and op can’t be bothered to make the effort.

@stayathomer the aunt and uncle are the DH’s family, so they must be related to the op’s PIL.

Your h's aunt and uncle have caused all this! Who books flights to see someone for Xmas without checking that they will be there and it's convenient?!

But your brother is acting like a tool. It sounds like he never wanted to host so he's cancelled everyone else and will blame you. Dick.

@AskingQuestionsAllTheTime i like the word nerk

There seems to be a lack of communication on all sides.
One thing I would say though is that, whilst you may not mean it in that way, by saying "I'm sorry you think I've behaved badly", to me you're suggesting you don't think you have.

I disagree with the majority - I don’t think you’ve been rude at all. Plans change. You need to consider your husband as well as yourself and from what I’ve read I assume the status quo is xmas with your family so has considered your important family events. Your brother is acting like a child. And had cancelled Christmas at his place so there was no conflict in booking to go away. I feel for your DM though.

Sorry, unless I've misunderstood that message and that's what you've said to the poster and not your brother.

@Edwintheboyscout oh God! I do think I have behaved badly. Didn’t mean it like that.

YOU should have gone to your brothers as you didn't need to cancel for your DH's relatives. It's then up to your DH to decide whether he wants to come with you or see his relatives - except now he's booked for you to go away even though you won't be seeing his relatives.

I think your DH sounds controlling to be honest, why is he calling all the shots? He's pissed off with your brother cancelling Christmas, but not with his own relatives for completely messing you around? I think your DH sounds like a complete arse.

I think there's just quite bad behaviour from everyone here and it's probably the combination that's allowed it to blow up to such a degree.

You were rude to cancel, your DB has hugely overreacted to cancel for everyone (totally understandable for him to upset with you but no need to take it out on innocent parties) and your DH has escalated the drama even further by chucking his toys out of the pram.

Basically everyone needs to calm down and apologise to each other.

@Sittingonabench , correct, initially we spent Christmas apart and for the last few years has always been with my family

My guess is that DB is actually pleased that you have pulled out so he can be the centre of attention AND not have to lift a finger to feed anyone.

Ironically, this is a great example of where communication goes wrong as I misunderstood what you said!
Can't you just pick up the phone to your brother, say sorry I've mucked up and go from there. It's really not worth a proper falling out - we all make mistakes. Don't be too hard on yourself. Best wishes

It is PERFECTLY NORMAL in perfectly normal families to say 'OMG, husband's aunty marge and uncle nav have just told us they're flying in for Christmas. Can you squeeze them in and/or come to us?

Barring major issues, many people have to welcome people they don't know/don't like at Christmas.

Very few of us have the luxury of cherry picking the guest mix.

Your brother is ridiculous.

I would just go to your brothers as planned and hope he stops acting like a child and re-invites everyone.

And then celebrate with your Aunty and uncle when they come.
They’ll know to not just invite themselves to someone else Christmas in future.

DH is going to have to suck it up or stay home by himself.

Your brother is being ridiculous and petty. You gave plenty of notice, you weren't to know they were emigrating but you gave other options, he is being childish. Fair enough to be disappointed that you wouldn't be there, but stamping his feet is not the way to deal with it. You have not ruined the family Christmas, he has.

It's this sort of nonsense which makes me give thanks for being an only child.

I did wonder if they were Indian given the insistence that they be accompanied. Are they actually Auntie and Uncle or distant relations? Either way, it was rude of everyone. The A+U shouldn’t have expected you to host them given the late notice and then changed their dates anyway, your husband and you shouldn’t have both cancelled on your brother and your brother shouldn’t have thrown his dummy out of the pram which is rude to everyone else. To me, though, the rudest part is in fact your husband, who, while he might be understandably a bit faffed off, has now refused to go to the engagement he shouldn’t have pulled out of in the first place.

I don’t think you’ve behaved poorly - I think you were in a bind with the aunt and uncle and your family could have said to bring them along.
It does sound like you’re annoyed he didn’t offer accommodation and that you think he lacks follow through and perhaps he thinks that you lack respect / time for him so perhaps that’s at the crux of your brother being stroppy?
Completely understand DH booking a trip after all the drama but think you might need to dial that one back unless your family treat DH poorly and in that case carry on and have a lovely break

Older brother by any chance?

You dropped him for a subsequent offer. You and your DH were very rude.

Your DB isn’t covered in glory either and is being OTT, but his feelings are valid even if his reaction is too extreme.

You’ve behaved really poorly.

This elderly aunt and uncle are clearly robust enough to have understood, ‘I’m really sorry but we have plans- see you on the 26th’ if they are jet setting around the world without checking other people’s plans.

Your brother has thrown his toys out of the pram and it doesn’t seem to be a rational response- but I can see why he’s pissed off at your behaviour, especially if he is emigrating.

Or just only boy who must be catered to by the women in the family.

That goes well right up to the point one of said women gets tired of always coming second or alternatively (as appears to have happened in this case) one of them marries a man raised the same way who also expects to be catered to at all times.

Your husband sounds like the unreasonable one, especially when he booked the holiday after his relatives cancelled. Your brother was unreasonable to uninvite everyone else when you said you couldn’t go. I feel sorry for you caught between the two of them. In your shoes I would be annoyed with my husband and not want to go on the holiday.

DoIOrNot
oh god yes! Duh! Friday evening brain here, sorry!!