Did I really ruin Christmas for my family?

[Porcupineapple]

For context: I have always hosted Christmas with my DM (her nice house, my okay cooking, games etc). My brother (DB?) and SIL have occasionally turned up , but very infrequently. Normally they are travelling to see her family overseas, on holiday or with their friends.

For the first time ever this year, DB decided to host Christmas. Which was great! (Although there was no room for us to stay with him apparently, which was not so great as we are hundreds of miles from him).

Anyway, DB is not speaking to me because DH and I had to pull out.

We gave DB and SIL 2 months’ notice and offered to pay for anything they had already ordered for us.

We also suggested a Christmas dinner on another day (e.g at a restaurant which we’d be happy to arrange). No response.

He is apparently extra upset because he and DSIL are emigrating next year and this is their last Christmas in the UK .

This emigration story was news to me!
He has said they would move for the last 5 years but nothing ever happens. I did say that we would of course come and visit them as soon as they were happy for us to, if they leave the UK in 2024. I also asked him what concrete steps they had taken towards the move (answer: none).

The reason we pulled out is that my husband’s auntie and uncle announced they were unexpectedly coming over to London at Christmas (from overseas). My husband didn’t want them left on their own, he is very close to them. DB has never met them so understandably didn’t want them at his for Xmas.

DH was further insistent about not leaving them alone because two years ago we had to leave DFIL and DMIL on their own at Christmas in favour of my family (another story).

DB has now stopped the rest of my family going to theirs for Christmas - DH and I have therefore apparently ‘cancelled Christmas’ for my DM and my auntie and uncle, who they were supposed to be hosting.

I do not understand why us not going stops everyone else being able to go to DB’s.
My DH is also fuming about this because we have made sure my DM is not on her own every Christmas and he feels we are being made out to be grinchey-Scrooge type people ruining the festive season for everyone.

Since then , ridiculously, DH’s auntie and uncle have moved their flight, meaning we COULD actually do Christmas after all, but DH has got so fed up with us being blamed for cancelling Christmas , that he has booked us a couple of nights away 24th-27th.

This has further enraged DB which I understand to some extent.

I feel trapped between a rock and hard place but ultimately support my husband. I do understand my brother is disappointed and hurt but I feel he is adopting one rule for himself and another for us. AIBU to think he is being unfair to cancel Christmas for everyone else and seemingly blame us?

OP you have not behaved badly AT ALL! All of this could have been avoided if your brother was gracious enough to host your dh aunt and uncle, it is Christmas after all. But to cancel the rest of the family because you won't be attending is disgusting imo.

I'm wondering if OP was expected to cook. So when she dropped out they all gave up.

From his perspective, you cancelled on plans with them with extended family later said they were visiting (without checking first? That's on them if they're alone surely).

YABU.

YANBU.

it was half an invite from your brother in my eyes, as he clearly expected you to drive hundreds of miles each way to spend Christmas Day there given there’s no room for you to stay.

Tbh I don't think you're being unreasonable, it's a tricky situation. I'm sure it's upsetting for your brother but cancelling on everyone is unreasonable, your poor mum! Especially if you offered to host everyone and that got shut down, sounds like you've tried to compromise. If he really wanted to host he wouldn't have called quits on everyone else in a strop just because you couldn't make it.

And agreed that there's quite likely a cultural element to it, hospitality is a big part of south asian culture (not saying it's inhospitable here, just that for us it's often pretty normal to host and welcome in people you don't know very well on quite short notice!) so it's possible your husband's family didn't realise that it could be rude or inconvenient to come and visit. If Christmas is always your family and your husbands all live abroad I think it's fair that he'd want to prioritise seeing them especially if he and your brother aren't on good terms. Don't beat yourself up about it, hope you have a great Christmas whatever you end up doing!

You accepted an invitation, you had plans. i’m with the brother.

@CrabbiesGingerBeer I didn’t mean it to come across that way. I just tried to write a long explanatory post of what I meant, but I don’t want that to come over wrong either.

in short , I do not think anyone who has said something ‘negative’ is unkind. It’s peoples’ opinions and I appreciate them whatever they are. Sorry it came over passive aggressive.

also I am not trying to shut anyone down.

I do not understand why your brother cancelled the whole event, but perhaps he was just very upset, I don’t know.

I think you and your DH were incredibly rude to cancel on your brother though not sure why you thought that was an ok thing to do. It was a horrrble thing to do and DH’s aunt and uncle were presumably fine by themselves as they organised a trip without planning and presumably any expectations. They ditched you anyway, proving they didn’t have any expectations.

You need to apologise to your brother and family and do the decent thing.

Of course she has! Isn’t backing out of one arrangement because a better offer came up the absolute height of bad behaviour!

Looks like your brother wanted to backtrack on his decision to host everybody and you’ve inadvertently given him a reason. He’ll be secretly delighted Christmas is ‘cancelled’ but is putting on a show for effect. Have fun telling him you’ve changed your mind and you will go to his, and watch him say ‘not now, too late’. Enjoy your mini-break and don’t worry about your family, they’ll survive it!

@unstableunicorn My sister's DP's family are South Asian (living across three different countries). Some come to UK frequntly, some very infrequently. Not a single one of them booked a ticket across the world in the same manner as OPs DPs family, ever. They always contact in advance and check the dates.

Uncle and aunt booked knowing Christmas is a huge thing in Europe/UK, and still didnt bother checking if Op and husband were around, that is not cultural, it's either thoughtless at the very best or very selfish.

Clearly they had a moment of decency and self reflection since and as a result changed the dates. Sadly OPs husband did not have a moment of decency and self reflextion (neither had OP really) as otherwise he would have seen he was a d**k to cancel the original plans in first place rather than throw a hissy fit because people pointed out he was rude.

In my book, people who announce they are visiting without checking first if it's convenient have to fit in with anything of importance that's already been arranged.

You haven’t mentioned the importance of Christmas as a religious and cultural celebration to the various people involved.

Also, is your DM very old? Does she have care needs? Where will she now be spending Christmas?

Sounds like neither your brother or husband were keen on the original Christmas arrangements.

I suspect the route of this situation may lie in what happened two years ago. When the aunt and uncle cancelled, why didn’t you invite your mum to spend Christmas with you rather than go along with your DH’s hotel plan.

Sorry the brother is a childish idiot. They have every right to change their plans if they need to as long as the give notice. He cancelling the whole thing is so stupid and childish.

I think you were in a difficult position.

If I was DB I would be a bit annoyed with you tbh but the people who are really out of order are the elderly aunt and uncle.

Just announcing they are coming without caring to check if anyone has other plans! There are plenty other times in the year they could have visited.

Sure he is. And I’m sure your party to all his family’s arrangements even if he does exist.

They probably changed the dates because Christmas was fully booked everywhere or prohibitively expensive.

It was a lovely thought even if rather impetuous.

It was cheeky of you to pull out. No amount of it's or buts. You were committed. Too annoying., you should have told those unexpected visitors you had already made plans. But you didn't and now this mess and hurt feelings.

I think it’s rude to pull out of a prior arrangement. Your husband’s uncle and aunt shouldn’t have booked flights and expected to be hosted at yours without checking.

This!

Yes that’s right it’s far ruder to cancel DB 2 months in advance than to refuse to see 2 elderly relatives who are travelling halfway across the world to see you. Of course it is.

Mumsnet is often wrong so don't think because some random people on Mumsnet say something you are wrong. I don't think you have don't anything wrong. Whatever the reason for not going, you cancelled at the earliest opportunity giving 2 months notice. You have also tried to make suitable alternatives. You are allowed to do that and you know it. Some people on this site are crazy and the act like parrots, they copy what the last person said and don't engage brain.
Your brother's response to your cancelling is very telling. I would see through it if I were your parents.

YABU to go book a hotel/accommodation over Christmas when you could have stayed at home.

It's really shitty for the hospitality workers on minimum wage (that's correct, no double time in hospitality, just the bare minimum that the government forces the millionaire hotel owners to pay their staff, and don't think they'll ever see any gratuity money paid on card either, many are even forced to hand in cash tips to management and never see them again either), not getting to spend time with their families and being threatened with the sack if they don't.

They aren't in a critical job like medicine that actually needs people to work over Christmas. Do the decent thing and have Christmas with your DM, Aunt & Uncle at yours.

But other than that, your brother's a dick.

You gave two months notice, that’s fine. You didn’t drop out in December. I hadn’t even finalised my plans two months ago.

So much drama from all of you. You cancelled going to your brothers when it worked out his relatives weren’t even coming for Xmas, he could have spoken to them to be sure, it does look like you both thought better offer and jumped at it.

then when the upset kicked off, you didn’t call apologise and say you’d love to come, you booked into a hotel instead.

your brother cancelling everyone is also all drama llama. Honestly it’s all so dysfunctional. Neither you or your brother have covered yourselves in glory.

Apparently some people have terrible trouble getting over themselves.