Did I really ruin Christmas for my family?

[Porcupineapple]

For context: I have always hosted Christmas with my DM (her nice house, my okay cooking, games etc). My brother (DB?) and SIL have occasionally turned up , but very infrequently. Normally they are travelling to see her family overseas, on holiday or with their friends.

For the first time ever this year, DB decided to host Christmas. Which was great! (Although there was no room for us to stay with him apparently, which was not so great as we are hundreds of miles from him).

Anyway, DB is not speaking to me because DH and I had to pull out.

We gave DB and SIL 2 months’ notice and offered to pay for anything they had already ordered for us.

We also suggested a Christmas dinner on another day (e.g at a restaurant which we’d be happy to arrange). No response.

He is apparently extra upset because he and DSIL are emigrating next year and this is their last Christmas in the UK .

This emigration story was news to me!
He has said they would move for the last 5 years but nothing ever happens. I did say that we would of course come and visit them as soon as they were happy for us to, if they leave the UK in 2024. I also asked him what concrete steps they had taken towards the move (answer: none).

The reason we pulled out is that my husband’s auntie and uncle announced they were unexpectedly coming over to London at Christmas (from overseas). My husband didn’t want them left on their own, he is very close to them. DB has never met them so understandably didn’t want them at his for Xmas.

DH was further insistent about not leaving them alone because two years ago we had to leave DFIL and DMIL on their own at Christmas in favour of my family (another story).

DB has now stopped the rest of my family going to theirs for Christmas - DH and I have therefore apparently ‘cancelled Christmas’ for my DM and my auntie and uncle, who they were supposed to be hosting.

I do not understand why us not going stops everyone else being able to go to DB’s.
My DH is also fuming about this because we have made sure my DM is not on her own every Christmas and he feels we are being made out to be grinchey-Scrooge type people ruining the festive season for everyone.

Since then , ridiculously, DH’s auntie and uncle have moved their flight, meaning we COULD actually do Christmas after all, but DH has got so fed up with us being blamed for cancelling Christmas , that he has booked us a couple of nights away 24th-27th.

This has further enraged DB which I understand to some extent.

I feel trapped between a rock and hard place but ultimately support my husband. I do understand my brother is disappointed and hurt but I feel he is adopting one rule for himself and another for us. AIBU to think he is being unfair to cancel Christmas for everyone else and seemingly blame us?

Probably wise….

You made plans and then husbands relatives gave you a preferred offer, which you accepted. They weren't as bothered you the plans so changed them, so it clearly isn't that big a deal to your husbands relatives. I'd be a bit shitty too if I was your brother. The OTT cancelling everyone was unnecessary, and I also don't understand why you couldn't have gone to your mothers and done what you usually do after he got arsey.

Good grief! What a lot of strange replies… In my family the cancellation would be met with disappointment but ultimately understanding.

That would be the normal gracious response.

He's being childish to cancel it all but yes, you kind of did ruin everyone's Christmas by rudely changing your plans. I can't imagine cancelling as he has done but I can definitely imagine feeling really upset, deflated and disappointed if my sibling did what you did.

Bobtheamazinggingerdog
He's being childish to cancel it all but yes, you kind of did ruin everyone's Christmas by rudely changing your plans.

The thing is, I can think of many things much more inconveniently close to 25th December which would have meant OP and her husband were unable to travel hundreds of miles on public transport (they don't have a car, so that must be what they were expected to do) for a meal and a couple of nights in a hotel they had to pay for.

One of them might have broken a leg on 22nd. Or tested positive for covid and not wanted to put their elderly relations at risk. Or there might simply have been a train strike. Any of these might have meant OP had to cancel, and at much shorter notice than two months.

Would her having changed her plans at that late date have meant the brother was entitled to take the hump and cancel everyone else's Christmas arrangements as some sort of bizarre revenge? Of course not. So why is OP giving plenty of notice "ruining everyone's Christmas"? The ruination was entirely and exclusively her brother's choice.

This is all insane.

I'm sorry you're caught in the middle OP, your DH and DB sound like similar shades of arse.