Did I really ruin Christmas for my family?

[Porcupineapple]

For context: I have always hosted Christmas with my DM (her nice house, my okay cooking, games etc). My brother (DB?) and SIL have occasionally turned up , but very infrequently. Normally they are travelling to see her family overseas, on holiday or with their friends.

For the first time ever this year, DB decided to host Christmas. Which was great! (Although there was no room for us to stay with him apparently, which was not so great as we are hundreds of miles from him).

Anyway, DB is not speaking to me because DH and I had to pull out.

We gave DB and SIL 2 months’ notice and offered to pay for anything they had already ordered for us.

We also suggested a Christmas dinner on another day (e.g at a restaurant which we’d be happy to arrange). No response.

He is apparently extra upset because he and DSIL are emigrating next year and this is their last Christmas in the UK .

This emigration story was news to me!
He has said they would move for the last 5 years but nothing ever happens. I did say that we would of course come and visit them as soon as they were happy for us to, if they leave the UK in 2024. I also asked him what concrete steps they had taken towards the move (answer: none).

The reason we pulled out is that my husband’s auntie and uncle announced they were unexpectedly coming over to London at Christmas (from overseas). My husband didn’t want them left on their own, he is very close to them. DB has never met them so understandably didn’t want them at his for Xmas.

DH was further insistent about not leaving them alone because two years ago we had to leave DFIL and DMIL on their own at Christmas in favour of my family (another story).

DB has now stopped the rest of my family going to theirs for Christmas - DH and I have therefore apparently ‘cancelled Christmas’ for my DM and my auntie and uncle, who they were supposed to be hosting.

I do not understand why us not going stops everyone else being able to go to DB’s.
My DH is also fuming about this because we have made sure my DM is not on her own every Christmas and he feels we are being made out to be grinchey-Scrooge type people ruining the festive season for everyone.

Since then , ridiculously, DH’s auntie and uncle have moved their flight, meaning we COULD actually do Christmas after all, but DH has got so fed up with us being blamed for cancelling Christmas , that he has booked us a couple of nights away 24th-27th.

This has further enraged DB which I understand to some extent.

I feel trapped between a rock and hard place but ultimately support my husband. I do understand my brother is disappointed and hurt but I feel he is adopting one rule for himself and another for us. AIBU to think he is being unfair to cancel Christmas for everyone else and seemingly blame us?

so he invited you to dinner but said you have to stay elsewhere-then you said in october yuo cant go and hes cancelled everyone

he sounds like a stroppy teenager in a sulk

No not for a subsequent offer. It’s not like aunt and uncle live in the U.K. and they counter invited. They simply announced they were coming for Christmas and had no-one else to have Christmas with. And it was very advance notice.

Well-adjusted adults can cope with this kind of thing.

Personally I think DB got cold feet about hosting and that’s why he pulled the plug on the whole thing. Blaming OP to cover his arse. Otherwise there’s no reason why he couldn’t have hosted his other relations.

Its just you and DH who have pulled out... With 2 months notice, for good reason.

He's disappointed not to have the Big Christmas at his house. But really, he couldnt even offer an air mattress to you and DH? And then he cancels everyone because its not exactly what he wants.

No the majority of the poll think you’re not BU. It’s only the weird gripers on the thread who want to argue with you.

@Moglet4 they are real auntie and uncle.

Robust enough to understand why they’re coming (presumably all the way from India) for Christmas for the first and quite possibly last time ever and DH is “too busy” 2 months before? Do you know anything about Indian families?

He wouldn’t be too busy if DB wasn’t a twat.

None of you sound considerate of each other's feelings or appreciative of each other at all. You all seem to just do whatever you please and don't worry whether you inconvenience or upset the other, only apparently caring when your behavior is called out by the other party or when thee behavior impacts you in some way.

You were really rude to cancel on your brother and I'm sure he's quite hurt. Your husband is controlling and rude to insist that his family announcing a last minute visit trumps existing plans with yours. Your brother is a complete pratt for rescinding everyone's invitations to spite you. Sounds like Christmas is the least of your worries and you all need to either work on your relationships with each other or just accept you're not close and stop trying to force it for special occasions.

Actually, I voted ‘you are not being unreasonable’ based on the question the OP actually asked which was:

AIBU to think he is being unfair to cancel Christmas for everyone else and seemingly blame us?

That doesn’t mean I think the OP was right to cancel in the first place or that I think her DH hasn’t behaved badly.

I notice that a lot on AIBU threads - people respond to the actual question asked and the poster takes the percentages as saying they aren’t being unreasonable for the multiple paragraphs that led up to that point (despite multiple people actually posting to point out the parts of the situation that the poster caused / is responsible for).

I can see both side of this. I think you were not unreasonable up until the part where your partner falls out with your brother.

When his family cancelled there should have been no problem with you switching back to the original plan of everyone go to your brothers.

Being the host is a responsibility, some people enjoy it, some people get nervous. How would your brother have been feeling about his first time hosting? I can see why he's upset but a massive overreaction from him.

I think you should text him and apologise. Say you didn't intend to be rude hadn't considered his feelings when you told him you couldn't come. And you should go to Christmas at your brothers. If your partner won't apologise then leave him at home.

If brother doesn't apologise too he's not a good brother. I would just be polite around him in future for the benefit of the family but id not consider us on good terms

Did you already answer if husband's relatives asked him if they could come? They wouldn't just assume would they, they would have asked him before booking surely?

So he should have said no. This should never have been an issue.

Maybe this is completely wrong but could your partner be isolating you from your family? Like abusive people do?

The men in your life sound like charmers.

First your DH is a CF for cancelling on an already agreed arrangement (you were also very unreasonable for going along with it when you could have compromised and split for Christmas due to the circumstances)

And then to book the mini break - yeah that’s just a dick move

Your brother just sounds childish by throwing his toys out of the pram and cancelling on everyone

Your husband sounds like a dick, you support him 'obviously'- so either you are an idiot or he is abusive.
Have you got form for neglecting family, he is probably annoyed as this may not be the first time when the master and commander tells you to change plans to accomodate himself.

It'd be rude to cancel this close but OP gave them 2 months notice and had offered to repay if they were out of pocket.

Aunt and Uncle should have asked first if OP and Husband can accomodate them during Xmas, which either they didnt (have not rtft) or they did and DP could not be bothered with the invitation they had already accepted from DP.

If I was hosting for the first time I would not want some random people from across the world potentially, who may not like the food etc. For him they are strangers.

Sure they should have asked but they didn’t so it is what it is. They obviously wanted to surprise DH and assumed he wouldn’t be booked 2 months in advance.

I'm Team OP's Husband here.

OP's brother has double standards: he holds OP to a higher standard than he holds himself. OP and her husband have bent over backwards for years to ensure their mother wasn't alone at Christmas while her brother and his wife did whatever they felt like when they felt like it, swanning in and out at whim for the holidays.

OP's husband now has elderly relatives coming for the holidays and, understandably, he feels obligated to ensure they aren't alone for Christmas. OP needs to support his obligation because he's supported her all this time. This was completely solvable by including them in the family christmas with OP and her husband ... but BROTHER SAID NO!

And then brother stropped and cancelled christmas for everyone because OP and her husband decided they couldn't attend due to elderly relatives in London.

Sounds to me like BROTHER had already changed his mind about hosting (too much work, etc) and is pretending OP's pulling out is the reason when it's irrelevant. He just doesn't want to host elderly relatives of his own without OP there to 'help' (and probably do the heavy lifting, frankly).

Tell him to get stuffed, OP. THis is on your brother, not you. I hope you and your husband have a lovely festive getaway by yourselves. You deserve it.

When his family cancelled there should have been no problem with you switching back to the original plan of everyone go to your brothers

If her DB was normal perhaps, but he had already had a strop and cancelled the whole of Christmas including the other relatives, blaming OP. So there was no plan to go back to.

I understand why OP and her DH were annoyed at being blamed. It serves DB right.

So they didnt know that people make plans in advance for times like Christmas?

Im sure there is an equivalent of this in India where people dont just plan celebrations an hour before, but weeks in advance as well. So they somehow assumed OP and DH would not have plans for what is the biggest festival of the year, and expect to be accomodated.

At any ratem if could have been another time of the year and OP could have had holiday booked or a hospital treatment or whatever else, it's super rude to just book flights first and expect people to drop everything to look after you. It's not a cultural thing, just plain rudeness to not check first if people are around for when you drop by.

I totally agree with all of this. DB clearly got cold feet about hosting otherwise he wouldn’t have cancelled the other relatives. He simply diverted blame to OP.

You certainly haven't behaved terribly, OP. You were perfectly reasonable in wanting to see the elderly relatives and if your brother had any common sense he'd have invited them along too. And you also offered to host everyone. DB has behaved really badly in refusing to host the elderly relatives, refusing to relocate to yours, and then cancelling the whole event. Absolutely ridiculous!. I don't blame your DH from booking something else when Christmas had been cancelled anyway.

If was 2 months in advance! It’s not rude if you win money and make a spur of the moment decision to visit close family.

Everybody is being unreasonable here.

You shouldn't have cancelled on your brother after accepting his invitation.

Your husband's aunt and uncle shouldn't have booked their trip without consulting you first.

Your brother shouldn't have uninvited everyone else because he was pissed off.

Your family shouldn't have been so rigid about not spending Christmas with your husband's aunt and uncle. (Does it really matter if you haven't met them?)

Your husband is being unreasonable for refusing to see your family now his aunt and uncle have changed their dates.

Nobody is saying you’ve behaved ‘terribly’ - that would be just not showing up on the day or similar.

This is an incredibly passive aggressive post - trying to shut down anyone pointing out where you’ve gone wrong by claiming we think you’ve ’behaved terribly’ (nobody’s said that) and claiming people politely pointing out where we disagree with you are not being ‘kind’ (I find it kinder to be honest when people specifically ask my opinion of their behaviour).

Add in your ‘I’m sorry you feel that way’ (implication: but you’re wrong) non-apology that you posted earlier in the thread and I’m wondering how you came across in your so called apologies to your brother.

Lots of excuses and reasons why it was everybody’s fault but yours or alternatively reasons why it was not actually wrong of you to cancel I suspect based on your posts on this thread.

What do you mean 2 months in advance? OP and DP already had an engamenent, you do realise you can't just change the dates of Christmas, they are the same dates every year, right? What were they supposed to do, tell DB to do Christmas at some other time, move Christmas to a date after the aunt and uncle leave or what?

People are allowed to make plans 6 months in advance is they so wish. I booked my summer holiday last week. If someone told me they are coming to UK at the same dates to see me even if it is 7 months ahead Id not be cancelling my flights and hotels.

You win money, ask availability and THEN you book tickets (it only takea a few minutes to write an email), it's common sense surely? Unless peolpe are too thick or too selfish to understand others may not be available for them whenever they please.

Sorry op. I think you were rude to your brother, you should not have gone back on plans. I think your brother was petulant and unnecessary to cancel the rest of your family, but mostly I think your husband seems to be the controlling hand here - his aunt and uncle change their plans again so he books you time away, it seems without asking you, rather than letting you repair things with your family.