Did I really ruin Christmas for my family?

[Porcupineapple]

For context: I have always hosted Christmas with my DM (her nice house, my okay cooking, games etc). My brother (DB?) and SIL have occasionally turned up , but very infrequently. Normally they are travelling to see her family overseas, on holiday or with their friends.

For the first time ever this year, DB decided to host Christmas. Which was great! (Although there was no room for us to stay with him apparently, which was not so great as we are hundreds of miles from him).

Anyway, DB is not speaking to me because DH and I had to pull out.

We gave DB and SIL 2 months’ notice and offered to pay for anything they had already ordered for us.

We also suggested a Christmas dinner on another day (e.g at a restaurant which we’d be happy to arrange). No response.

He is apparently extra upset because he and DSIL are emigrating next year and this is their last Christmas in the UK .

This emigration story was news to me!
He has said they would move for the last 5 years but nothing ever happens. I did say that we would of course come and visit them as soon as they were happy for us to, if they leave the UK in 2024. I also asked him what concrete steps they had taken towards the move (answer: none).

The reason we pulled out is that my husband’s auntie and uncle announced they were unexpectedly coming over to London at Christmas (from overseas). My husband didn’t want them left on their own, he is very close to them. DB has never met them so understandably didn’t want them at his for Xmas.

DH was further insistent about not leaving them alone because two years ago we had to leave DFIL and DMIL on their own at Christmas in favour of my family (another story).

DB has now stopped the rest of my family going to theirs for Christmas - DH and I have therefore apparently ‘cancelled Christmas’ for my DM and my auntie and uncle, who they were supposed to be hosting.

I do not understand why us not going stops everyone else being able to go to DB’s.
My DH is also fuming about this because we have made sure my DM is not on her own every Christmas and he feels we are being made out to be grinchey-Scrooge type people ruining the festive season for everyone.

Since then , ridiculously, DH’s auntie and uncle have moved their flight, meaning we COULD actually do Christmas after all, but DH has got so fed up with us being blamed for cancelling Christmas , that he has booked us a couple of nights away 24th-27th.

This has further enraged DB which I understand to some extent.

I feel trapped between a rock and hard place but ultimately support my husband. I do understand my brother is disappointed and hurt but I feel he is adopting one rule for himself and another for us. AIBU to think he is being unfair to cancel Christmas for everyone else and seemingly blame us?

@autienotnaughty , he wasn’t expecting me to cook, he’s a good cook. I don’t know why he has cancelled everyone else and as he won’t speak to me, I can’t find out.

Your brother is throwing his toys out of the pram and cancelling everyone else coming to him is ridiculous. I can understand he would be pissed that you cancelled but he is making sure everyone else suffers and hoping everyone blames you too. I doubt he is emigrating next year as he hasn’t done anything yet so probably just saying it to make you feel worse.

Why does DB get to ditch his family in favour his partners family or their friends for years and years with no consequence but not the OP?

It was so rude to cancel on your brother. Once you commit to going, you tell your other relatives that you already have plans. The aunt and uncle hardly seem either ‘alone’ as they have each other and not bothered as they aren’t even coming.

Your DH is being an idiot by sulking and then refusing to go to your side of the family. It seems like he doesn’t like your relatives and was just looking for a (lame) excuse not to go.

Dramatic much 🫣.

Unless you were the entertainment, I can’t imagine why he’d disinvite everyone else.

He could be as pissed as he wishes with you, but why is he punishing his mom?

Don't give him any oxygen.

Your brother, like many people, has no chill about Christmas. 2 months is massive amounts of notice and when hosting an extended family, 2 people more or less is very little difference tbh. I host every year and rarely know for certain until a couple of days before who will be there - it sometimes changes on the day. It's always easy enough.

Cancelling everything for everyone is completely over the top and all on him. If you were rude for your 2 months notice, then what the feck is he to everyone else?!! He should have expected changes when inviting people from across the country. YANBU. He cancelled Christmas, not you. Direct any disappointment his way and have a fabulous Christmas mini break.

I think your brother is being unreasonable for cancelling the invitations for the rest of the family but I also think you were being unreasonable cancelling the arrangement you already had to go to your brother's to spend Christmas with your husbands uncle and aunt.
Not only had toy already agreed to go to your brother's it sounds as though it may be the last Christmas all your family is together so I think you should have honoured that arrangement

@Thebestwaytoscareatory , this also confuses me. I totally get he’s annoyed with me , I totally get it’s rude. What I don’t get is why it’s a different rule for me than for him.

The OP was never in a difficult position. When the relatives said they’d booked their flights, the only obvious answer is great, we’ll see you after we’re back from my brothers.

But it’s obvious your husband’s family take priority, no matter how distant the relatives.

I'm not being rude, but you completely trashed your DB's first ever Christmas as a host. You've said thanks but no thanks for some distant relatives of your DH's who don't even live here. And then booking something else when you could still go seems really spiteful.

I think you need to say sorry, you got it wrong and try to see what can be rescued. You've behaved really badly here, not your DB.

Your brother is acting like a petulant child.

You've apologised and explained the issue, now ignore his ridiculous OTT behaviour. Have a happy Christmas with your dh' family.

The one most in the wrong here is OP’s husband. He could not make it clearer how unimportant he considers your side of the family.

@SkyFullofStars1975 I have apologised many times. I’m sorry you think I’ve behaved really badly and I understand that perspective but my husband is from another country and his auntie and uncle brought him up so they are not distant relatives.

You were already booked for Christmas, unfortunately. Auntie and Uncle should have been made aware of this.

He's ridiculously sensitive but it's also bloody rude to cancel, especially this close to Christmas. Surely your husband's family didn't expect you to change your plans.

@Savourycrepe , there is a backstory to that. My DM and DB have not always treated my DH the best

TBH I’d be pissed off that you agreed to host people when you already had plans. If you really didn’t know they were coming until after they’d booked their flights, then that’s on them really. They should have checked. And it does seem rude to then book a holiday instead of going to dbs after they realised their mistake and moved the flight,

Do DHs family celebrate Christmas?

I think you were very rude to sack off your brothers invitation however he's being ridiculous for cancelling the whole thing.

OK. So your DH didn’t want to go and was looking for an excuse.

It’s unfair on you that he is not prepared to compromise even for a few days. Is he always difficult?

Apologies, I missed the 2 months notice. I still wouldn't have cancelled existing plans.

The OP has given them two months' notice though. And considering the DB lives hundreds of miles away and the OP and her DH were not invited to stay over, the DB is really throwing teddy out of the pram over this.

@Savourycrepe he’s very fixed in his views. So…you could say so.

This.

@BubbleBubbleBubbleBubblePop yes they do

The big question is why does your DH dictate everything and why don’t you get a say?