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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Did I really ruin Christmas for my family?

181 replies

Porcupineapple · 08/12/2023 17:21

For context: I have always hosted Christmas with my DM (her nice house, my okay cooking, games etc). My brother (DB?) and SIL have occasionally turned up , but very infrequently. Normally they are travelling to see her family overseas, on holiday or with their friends.

For the first time ever this year, DB decided to host Christmas. Which was great! (Although there was no room for us to stay with him apparently, which was not so great as we are hundreds of miles from him).

Anyway, DB is not speaking to me because DH and I had to pull out.

We gave DB and SIL 2 months’ notice and offered to pay for anything they had already ordered for us.

We also suggested a Christmas dinner on another day (e.g at a restaurant which we’d be happy to arrange). No response.

He is apparently extra upset because he and DSIL are emigrating next year and this is their last Christmas in the UK .

This emigration story was news to me!
He has said they would move for the last 5 years but nothing ever happens. I did say that we would of course come and visit them as soon as they were happy for us to, if they leave the UK in 2024. I also asked him what concrete steps they had taken towards the move (answer: none).

The reason we pulled out is that my husband’s auntie and uncle announced they were unexpectedly coming over to London at Christmas (from overseas). My husband didn’t want them left on their own, he is very close to them. DB has never met them so understandably didn’t want them at his for Xmas.

DH was further insistent about not leaving them alone because two years ago we had to leave DFIL and DMIL on their own at Christmas in favour of my family (another story).

DB has now stopped the rest of my family going to theirs for Christmas - DH and I have therefore apparently ‘cancelled Christmas’ for my DM and my auntie and uncle, who they were supposed to be hosting.

I do not understand why us not going stops everyone else being able to go to DB’s.
My DH is also fuming about this because we have made sure my DM is not on her own every Christmas and he feels we are being made out to be grinchey-Scrooge type people ruining the festive season for everyone.

Since then , ridiculously, DH’s auntie and uncle have moved their flight, meaning we COULD actually do Christmas after all, but DH has got so fed up with us being blamed for cancelling Christmas , that he has booked us a couple of nights away 24th-27th.

This has further enraged DB which I understand to some extent.

I feel trapped between a rock and hard place but ultimately support my husband. I do understand my brother is disappointed and hurt but I feel he is adopting one rule for himself and another for us. AIBU to think he is being unfair to cancel Christmas for everyone else and seemingly blame us?

OP posts:
BelindaOkra · 08/12/2023 21:49

Porcupineapple · 08/12/2023 17:44

@Wavyline , we had originally suggested everyone came to ours. It was a no because my family haven’t met his aunt and uncle.

What??

i grew up in a family that often took in waifs and strays at Xmas - my mother could never bear to think of anyone alone.

Your brother is being ridiculous. You cancelled with two months notice and explored alternatives that would have included everyone.

Heronwatcher · 08/12/2023 21:50

I don’t think your DB is behaving well but it was really rude to cancel because of your DH’s family. I would have gone anyway and left DH to look after his family for a bit, then got him to join you/ you go back early.

AskingQuestionsAllTheTime · 08/12/2023 22:13

I am trying to imagine a world in which I would travel hundreds of miles, without a car, at Christmas, in order to have a meal with someone who was not even offering me an inflatable mattress to sleep on but expecting me to go to the nearest Holiday Inn for the night.

I can't. And I wouldn't do it. As hospitality goes, that example sucks swamp through a straw.

CrabbiesGingerBeer · 08/12/2023 22:23

Mirabai · 08/12/2023 21:37

Yes that’s right it’s far ruder to cancel DB 2 months in advance than to refuse to see 2 elderly relatives who are travelling halfway across the world to see you. Of course it is.

I know you are being sarcastic but I actually think this statement is completely correct.

It is much ruder to cancel a Christmas arrangement that has been arranged for some time than to be unable to see relatives who don’t have the basic courtesy to make sure people are available before booking tickets.

The rudeness and lack of planning of the Aunt and Uncle shouldn’t require the OP to be rude to other people. It’s unfortunate she didn’t realise that before upsetting her entire family.

CrabbiesGingerBeer · 08/12/2023 22:26

AskingQuestionsAllTheTime · 08/12/2023 22:13

I am trying to imagine a world in which I would travel hundreds of miles, without a car, at Christmas, in order to have a meal with someone who was not even offering me an inflatable mattress to sleep on but expecting me to go to the nearest Holiday Inn for the night.

I can't. And I wouldn't do it. As hospitality goes, that example sucks swamp through a straw.

And the OP would have been quite entitled to decline the invitation. Instead she accepted it and then dumped her DB as soon as she got a better (different) offer.

CrabbiesGingerBeer · 08/12/2023 22:26

AskingQuestionsAllTheTime · 08/12/2023 22:13

I am trying to imagine a world in which I would travel hundreds of miles, without a car, at Christmas, in order to have a meal with someone who was not even offering me an inflatable mattress to sleep on but expecting me to go to the nearest Holiday Inn for the night.

I can't. And I wouldn't do it. As hospitality goes, that example sucks swamp through a straw.

Sorry, double post

Aria999 · 08/12/2023 22:32

What @CrabbiesGingerBeer said

Mirabai · 08/12/2023 22:33

I know you are being sarcastic but I actually think this statement is completely correct.

No doubt you do. But so many people don’t know their arse from their elbow when it comes to manners so it doesn’t surprise me.

Mirabai · 08/12/2023 22:35

AskingQuestionsAllTheTime · 08/12/2023 22:13

I am trying to imagine a world in which I would travel hundreds of miles, without a car, at Christmas, in order to have a meal with someone who was not even offering me an inflatable mattress to sleep on but expecting me to go to the nearest Holiday Inn for the night.

I can't. And I wouldn't do it. As hospitality goes, that example sucks swamp through a straw.

IKR.

CrabbiesGingerBeer · 08/12/2023 22:37

Mirabai · 08/12/2023 22:33

I know you are being sarcastic but I actually think this statement is completely correct.

No doubt you do. But so many people don’t know their arse from their elbow when it comes to manners so it doesn’t surprise me.

Well yes, you’ve just illustrated that, haven’t you.

lolacherricoke · 08/12/2023 22:40

Your bro is most probably hurt by this and I would be too!! You can't say yes to something and then change your mind for what your bro would percieve as a better idea!!

wannabetraveler · 08/12/2023 22:45

Porcupineapple · 08/12/2023 17:44

@Wavyline , we had originally suggested everyone came to ours. It was a no because my family haven’t met his aunt and uncle.

If you offered to host everyone at your place, and they said no - well, that's on them. If they were really intent on spending the day with you, they would have.

ToWhitToWhoo · 08/12/2023 22:49

Well, TBH, your ENTIRE family (including yourself and DH and everyone else) sound flakey; but your DB sounds particularly U to have a tantrum and cancel the whole thing.

spamm · 08/12/2023 22:51

Your brother is being overly dramatic, in the way that only siblings can. He didn't get his way, so he is throwing all his toys out of the pram and tripping over his bottom lip sulking.

I get your DH wanting to be there for an elderly Aunt and Uncle traveling overseas. Who would want to leave them alone? It's unfortunate that they changed their dates, but it was all good intentions.

Propose a family celebration like Christmas at the start of the new year - a special get together. The 25 of December is just a date - why can you not celebrate it another day? If your brother still refuses, you know he is being an arse.

This is exactly why we have chosen to spend our Christmas Day as a family of 3 for many years now. I always travel to my parents for a few days before Christmas with my son, and then home in time for Christmas Eve. When friends have been alone, we have invited them to join us at home, and if my parents are alone, they are also welcome to come to us (and stay), but I cannot stand the drama. Its not helped by having a DH and a DS on the spectrum, which means they can only take so much forced family fun.

It's funny - my mother recently said to me that I am the calmest one, as that was not always the case, but it's because my siblings can rile me and my Dh up in an instant, and I have learned to keep the crowded family time to small doses.

I still say my brother is the only person I know who can make me cry within a couple of minutes, even if I have not seen him for a year or two (they live overseas). And I am 53 years old!

I love them, but Christmas is emotional enough without the drama.

overwhelmed2023 · 08/12/2023 22:54

You shouldn't have cancelled your brother.
All the other details aren't so important.

LovePoppy · 08/12/2023 23:05

Porcupineapple · 08/12/2023 17:25

@sweetpickle23 , thanks - I get that it seems rude, though it wasn’t a better offer. It’s the fact that my husband’s elderly relatives were coming and they’d have been on their own otherwise. We would rather have gone to my brother’s.

They’d have been alone due to their own poor planning though

MeinKraft · 08/12/2023 23:08

Oh I would totally do what your husband did and go away for a few nights! Other people shouldn't be basing their Christmas plans on you.

Mirabai · 08/12/2023 23:10

CrabbiesGingerBeer · 08/12/2023 22:37

Well yes, you’ve just illustrated that, haven’t you.

Edited
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Of course darling.

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 08/12/2023 23:33

You should have stuck to the original plans that you had said yes to so agree that your brother is right there.
But your brother took a tantrum and cancelled on everyone else which is unfair and trying to make you look bad. So what is your mother and aunt etc doing now for Christmas.
Why did you not just then ask everyone to your place for Christmas when the elderly relatives of husband delayed plans.
It seems like your husband makes all the decisions in your marriage from what you have told us and now it is all a mess.

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 08/12/2023 23:35

Sorry just read that you offered to host everyone.
In the future just easier to go away and be done with all the drama as family and siblings have a way of getting at each other, it is like they resort back to children and get the same with my family. Enjoy your time away and just hope it is not your husband making all the decisions.

CrabbiesGingerBeer · 08/12/2023 23:38

Mirabai · 08/12/2023 23:10

Of course darling.

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So glad you agree

ididntthough · 08/12/2023 23:44

Good grief! What a lot of strange replies. It’s like people have nothing else to do or look forward to except Christmas! In my family the cancellation would be met with disappointment but ultimately understanding. Reminds me why I’m a huge fan now of Christmas abroad! If your brother was SO desperate for one last massive family bash he should have budged up for the elderly aunt & uncle. If you choose to pull out to accommodate them as duty calls then that should be met with understanding in my book. Many moons ago we had our little noses pressed to the window waiting for my cousins to arrive at Christmas and my auntie phoned and said they didn’t want to drive in fog and cancelled the whole thing with an hour to go. We are all still speaking to one another!

Mirabai · 08/12/2023 23:47

CrabbiesGingerBeer · 08/12/2023 23:38

So glad you agree

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Well clearly I think you’re gauche, and one of tiresome posters who replies for the sake of it.

CrabbiesGingerBeer · 08/12/2023 23:53

Mirabai · 08/12/2023 23:47

Well clearly I think you’re gauche, and one of tiresome posters who replies for the sake of it.

Show quote history

How strange. That’s exactly what I thought about you!

And also that you pick random fights by insulting strangers on the internet - ‘arse from their elbow’ - really?

Mirabai · 09/12/2023 00:01

Oh enough with the echo I’m not responding further.