DH sits down all day and complains the house is a mess

[Sickofthislife]

I work full time from home I have a stressful job in HR and I have to constantly be on the ball and my job does take over my life in a sense. By time I’ve finished work I’m exhausted and have to think about dinner at 5pm.

DH works part time 3 times a week on the evening the rest of his days are spent with 1 year old DS wondering around the house. He doesn’t take DS to any trips out or anything. We also have another 2 DCS.

On the weekends I will deep clean and strip beds and food shop but I mainly leave everything to these days.

During the week we having many arguments about the cleanliness of the house and no dinner arrangements.

If he was working full time the house would be tidy and dinner would be ready for 5.

He just blames me for everything and it’s really starting to upset me and in some ways it’s making me feel nervous and all over the place I feel like I’m heading towards a breakdown.

I get paid a brilliant salary and I am trying to keep my job as I’m able to provide my kids with a better life but I’m not sure how much longer I can do this.

I feel like quitting some days and just having no money at least the house would be clean and food would be in the fridge.

I can’t express my views as it just turns into a huge argument.

So much is expected of me!

That’s not fair @Sickofthislife . If he is the one you’ve both decided will be at home most of the time he should be doing this stuff. How is the rest of your relationship?

Any room in your budget for a cleaner as a short term fix?

What does he bring to you and your children’s life? Sounds like not much if he can’t even be arsed to take a one year old out of the house. You are doing fantastically well. Dump him. Buy him out of the house, it sounds like you are the bigger earner by far. Get a nanny/childminder/nursery and give your children a great life instead of a moany, mopey husband who is a joy drain.

He sounds like a lazy misogynist. Are you sure you want to carry on living with him?

If you can afford a weekly cleaner I’d do that. Dinner in the week should be his domain. What do the kids eat?

I’m not sure what he brings to our lives? The kids love him as he plays on the PlayStation with them on the evening and he does most of the school runs. I try and do 1-2 school runs a week if I can so the kids still have some memories of me picking them up as silly as it sounds.

I guess I am just comfortable being with him our relationship isn’t really great at the moment.

When he complains, ask him what he is going to do about it. Quite obviously he should be doing half the cleaning and tidying. If he disagrees, he’s not an adequate partner.

He’s taking the piss!
Hes a SAHP. Most parents in this set up would expect the parent at home to do a bigger share of the chores so that both parents can spend quality time with their children, and each other, when neither are at work.
Presumably he does the school run, and your 1 yr old naps during the day? So I’d say he’s home for around 4 hours daily with just one small toddler. I’d be setting up a cleaning / chores rota now!
He can do the shopping one morning after school drop off, change the beds another day when it’s nap time, clean the bathroom / kitchen during nap times too. Put washing on throughout the week as needed.

I have suggested a cleaner and he said that it’s embarrassing having someone come in and see our mess.

I always say to him why are you coming to tell me for? And he always said you should be doing it on the evening it’s just embarrassing imagine if my mum and dad came over and seen this now.

To make you feel better I did most of the school runs, DH about 1 a term. When recently asked the now teens can only really remember the times DH did it, oh and the time Nanna picked them up (once!!!) Not the 100 million times I did.

This would drive me mad. Tell him he is the one working part time so he can clean.

You know what you need to do. He won’t change who he is, and you will spend the next 15 years trying and failing to achieve a change that is not going to happen. You will become a worn out husk, and he will then get a job and start shagging a colleague.

Once you accept that you cannot change the lazy cocklodger, you can decide whether you accept this as your life, or do better for yourself. The kids can still play on their PlayStation (page one of the lazy parent guide).

He doesn’t sound very nice!!

We have a cleaner. Without a cleaner, DH and I wouldn’t get on as well!

He works full time from home. I work part time. I do the lion’s share of the housework. Our cleaner does the weekly deep clean, I do general clean and tidying each day. Yes it’s boring and frustrating picking up after everyone, but I work part time so it’s only fair.

He should be doing most of it. And if he hates the mess, he should sort the mess.

There’s nothing embarrassing about having a cleaner. It’s a person earning a salary and doing a job, not someone doing you a favour!!

(Also - robot vacuum cleaners are great!)

Sit down and both write out a typical week for you both. Work hours, childcare and chores, leisure time. You should aim for fairly equal leisure time.

I'd also work out an agreed standard of cleanliness, eg what does a deep clean involve? Could you do it monthly rather than weekly but agree some bits eg clean toilets or vacuum done weekly and divide that up?

He needs to explain why he thinks he should have more free time than you. I also think he's not really serving your child's needs well if they never leave the house. Doesn't need to be a packed schedule of activities but the odd walk in the park wouldn't hurt. It's important for health and social development.

How did you arrive at him being sahd? What was he like before kids and how did you arrange housework then?

I think you just massively resent him, that's going to corrode your relationship until you snap and break up. If you don't want that to happen, you need to stop picking up the slack and he needs to give a shit that you do everything.

If he hates the house being messy then he can fucking clean it can't he?

Is there a reason why he is unable to carry out basic adult tasks or thinks it is exclusovely your job to do these?

We both have busy full time jobs but before 8.30am this morning I washed up and wiped down the kitchen and bathroom surfaces and Mr Monkey did a quick hoover of the hall carpet, tidied the shoe pile (the perpetual winter pile of wet trainers 🫣) and took out the recycling on his way to work

I would ring his Mum and ask her what she thinks. Might get a rocket up his bum!

Why quit your job .... your DH sounds like a bit of a waste of space...

If he's not prepared to pull his weight

• get a cleaner
• get him to work extra hours
• put little one into nursery to accommodate him working more

On what planet can he expect you to do it in the evenings?! If you're both working in the day (him with baby) then it's shared in the evenings. What does he think he's doing in the evenings while you're doing all the chores?

What a loser.
Do not give up your job.

Stop having children with him and take a huge step back and really think what he is bring to your life.

He needs telling that he is too lazy.
Get childcare and tell him to work full-time.

He sounds like a waste of space.
You need to protect your health.

Are all the children his?

In this situation I’d quit my marriage rather than my job.

He’s a horrible abusive bully. He won’t clean or tidy up while he’s at home looking after DS, but he also ‘won’t let’ you get a cleaner? And he tells you that YOU need to tidy up in case HIS mum and dad decide to come round?

OP, you are an intelligent and capable woman who earns a good salary in a demanding job. Please apply some of that intelligence and drive to your personal life and WAKE THE FUCK UP to the fact that your husband is a nasty, lazy, controlling piece of shit. Get rid of him. He’s FOUL.

Not read the full thread but really you need another fully functional adult to help, not make drama.

My DH whinges rather than does but no drama if I express my views. So resentment doesn't get out of hand.

I'd be muttering about divorce, particularly if I had a good job. A cleaner sounds much easier to manage than the layabout.

Hang on so you work FT, he works 3 evenings a week, but somehow he thinks cleaning and tidying is your job ?? And you also cook dinner, clean and do the beds?

What does he even do all day??

Sorry - you are thinking of leaving your full time, well paid job because your grown adult partner who only works three evenings a week is apparrently incapable of tidying up and going to the supermarket?

Have you asked him why he is incapble of carrying out basic adult tasks?

Baby naps for a good 2-3 hours a day and he only bungs baby in front of the tv anyway. Whilst he curls up on the sofa.

The more I type my situation out on here the more I think what the hell am I doing.