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Original poster

DH sits down all day and complains the house is a mess

248 replies

Sickofthislife · 08/12/2023 08:56

I work full time from home I have a stressful job in HR and I have to constantly be on the ball and my job does take over my life in a sense. By time I’ve finished work I’m exhausted and have to think about dinner at 5pm.

DH works part time 3 times a week on the evening the rest of his days are spent with 1 year old DS wondering around the house. He doesn’t take DS to any trips out or anything. We also have another 2 DCS.

On the weekends I will deep clean and strip beds and food shop but I mainly leave everything to these days.

During the week we having many arguments about the cleanliness of the house and no dinner arrangements.

If he was working full time the house would be tidy and dinner would be ready for 5.

He just blames me for everything and it’s really starting to upset me and in some ways it’s making me feel nervous and all over the place I feel like I’m heading towards a breakdown.

I get paid a brilliant salary and I am trying to keep my job as I’m able to provide my kids with a better life but I’m not sure how much longer I can do this.

I feel like quitting some days and just having no money at least the house would be clean and food would be in the fridge.

I can’t express my views as it just turns into a huge argument.

So much is expected of me!

OP posts:
Nonplusultra · 08/12/2023 11:30

Have you heard of the book Fair Play by Eve Rodsky?

It’s a way to divide up responsibilities I’ve heard it recommended a lot by couples who found it eye opening in terms of gender bias. It sounds like you’re the “she-fault” parent in the relationship.

It’s a good resource if you want yo try and work through this problem.

The Fair Play Book | Fair Play Life

https://www.fairplaylife.com/the-book

LickleLamb · 08/12/2023 11:31

I would say he is unhappy home all day with a 1 year old and the DC should go to a child minder and he work more hours then get a cleaner in who can do the jobs neither of you want to/ have time for.

Goldbar · 08/12/2023 11:33

I would prioritise a nanny/nursery rather than a cleaner. I could cope with a messy house with young children, but I couldn't cope with my 1yo (I have one the same age) being stuck indoors in front of the TV most days with a lazy, uninvolved parent.

I wouldn't bother arguing with him over the state of the house. I'd just tell him that, the way things are going, both of you will soon be living separately in 2 smaller houses/flats, and he can keep his however he likes and host his parents on his own. And yours will be as tidy/ messy as YOU like.

Seriously, I only really see 2 ways forward - 1) he apologises and goes back to work full-time and you get a cleaner and nanny or pay for nursery, or 2) get rid. From what you've said, I'd probably get rid personally. He's confused "wife" with "service human being" and he'd have to do a lot to come back from that.

Stiritscrapitmakeitbakeit · 08/12/2023 11:35

Did your DH actually want to be the primary childcarer? It doesn't sound like it, given that he can't be arsed to do anything with your 1 yro old - in which case he should go back to work properly during the day, and you could then afford decent childcare.

I was a SAHM and I regarded the children as my 'job'. So very little cleaning got done. Ex h used to moan about it sometimes, but he could have done something about it if he'd been that bothered.

I wonder if WFH is not helping you here. You're getting no break from what's going on at home, whilst also being at work. I'd want to scream just with the claustrophobia of it all.

OhIlovetosew · 08/12/2023 11:38

He needs to go to work and you both pay for childcare and a cleaner. He’s extremely lazy.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 08/12/2023 11:40

What's his thought process? Why does he think you should be doing it in the evening rather than him do it when the baby is napping or you both share it when the kids are in bed. Why does he think 3 hours of TV and never going out is a good environment for a baby? If he hates the house being a mess, why doesn't he think a. Him going out more and b. Getting a cleaner are solutions?

It sounds like a case of 'I think it's your job because you're a woman, but I can't actually say that out loud'

It sounds like you'd be better off with your child in nursery more days, or you dropping a day and having a day at home each. But either way, him being at home 2 days a week doesn't seem to add any benefit to the family.

Also you should be able to talk about difficult issues without either of you becoming defensive or nasty or walking off.

I'd start by looking at the leisure hours you have to yourselves each week and asking him what he thinks is fair in terms of each of you having downtime (not working or childcare or chores). And then see how housework fits into that

Achildbelongstoitsmother · 08/12/2023 11:40

DH has sacrificed his career for yours and you are moaning.

He is the one under stress not you. He is carrying the childcare load.

TiredEvenForAPhoenix · 08/12/2023 11:42

Cosywintertime · 08/12/2023 10:11

To be honest, I see a lot of threads like this from the opposite gender perspective and everyone says being a stay at home mum to a one year old is hard and cleaning should be shared by both parties in the evening. It’s curious as he’s a man he’s seen as lazy.

You've never seen a thread where a woman says 'I'm a sahm and put my baby in front of the tv for three hours a day, then for a nap and I do nothing in that time, aibu to expect partner to do the housework' and everyone agreeing that's fine. You are deliberately misrepresenting here to invent a point that doesn't exist.

mewkins · 08/12/2023 11:43

Colinswheels · 08/12/2023 09:16

Going against the grain a little here but I found it really difficult to get much housework done on my days off with DC. I prioritised getting out to playgroups, the park etc. I always put a wash on, cleaned up after lunch, started on dinner etc but additional things like cleaning bathrooms were mainly left to the weekend. I agree your DH needs to contribute more and stop the moaning though.

He's not prioritising going to playgroups though. He's prioritising sitting on his arse

Original poster
Sickofthislife · 08/12/2023 11:45

He said he is not picking up after me and the kids as we are the ones that make all the mess so that is his answer.

I’m currently looking in to a cleaner, is there anything that they don’t do? My house isn’t a shit hole it’s mainly the floors and bathrooms seals and windows.

OP posts:
WMGPFT · 08/12/2023 11:45

in reply to the comment about if it was the other way round, we would be saying housework should be shared. I would agree if he was doing his job as a SAHP, such as taking baby to groups and the park etc, but he’s not doing that either

Theeyeballsinthesky · 08/12/2023 11:48

OP I’m genuinely baffled as to why you’re with this man. He doesn’t seem to respect you or even like you. What good does he bring to your life?

Kisskiss · 08/12/2023 11:49

i don’t get his POV at all. What is he complaining about. Why not take some of that negative energy and do something about the situation??? If he’s the part time SAHP he should be able to sort dinner on the days he’s not working.. I did that on mat leave and I’m not a multitasking hero or anything
and yeah the cleaner is the way to go,
he sounds completely useless. I hate people who complain and do nothing positive

Achildbelongstoitsmother · 08/12/2023 11:49

WMGPFT · 08/12/2023 11:45

in reply to the comment about if it was the other way round, we would be saying housework should be shared. I would agree if he was doing his job as a SAHP, such as taking baby to groups and the park etc, but he’s not doing that either

Edited

Now you are trying to tell him how to do his job. Just back off with your nagging.

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 08/12/2023 11:49

Sickofthislife · 08/12/2023 11:45

He said he is not picking up after me and the kids as we are the ones that make all the mess so that is his answer.

I’m currently looking in to a cleaner, is there anything that they don’t do? My house isn’t a shit hole it’s mainly the floors and bathrooms seals and windows.

Picking up after small children is part of the job of parenting.

LTB. You deserve better than a lazy man-child.

Mumofoneandone · 08/12/2023 11:49

I'm shocked at his philosophy - stop doing anything for him (cooking washing etc) so he understands what parenting/ teamwork is about!

Dixiechickonhols · 08/12/2023 11:50

House will be much messier if he’s in constantly with a bored baby. If you were all out every day there’d be much less to do in evenings.

Octavia64 · 08/12/2023 11:56

Cleaners are great, highly recommend.

There are things all cleaners do as standard - clean rooms, bathrooms, kitchens, and then other stuff you sometimes need to pay extra for - ironing, oven cleaning etc.

ManateeFair · 08/12/2023 11:57

Sickofthislife · 08/12/2023 11:04

baby is in front of tv from 9-12 then nap until 2 or half 2. Then brother and sister are home and will play with with DS. DH won’t make proper lunches either I do my best in between my breaks but I’ve got so many cases at the moment I’m stressed with work.

I have just spoken to him again he thinks a cleaner is a waste of money. But I don’t see it that way. We spend tons of money on takeaway because there is no planning.

He doesn't want a cleaner because he gets a kick out of bullying you. Also, you are the main wage earner by a mile, so he doesn't get to decide what your money is spent on.

He's fucking awful. Just get rid of him.

therealcookiemonster · 08/12/2023 11:59

Sickofthislife · 08/12/2023 11:45

He said he is not picking up after me and the kids as we are the ones that make all the mess so that is his answer.

I’m currently looking in to a cleaner, is there anything that they don’t do? My house isn’t a shit hole it’s mainly the floors and bathrooms seals and windows.

in that case you should stop cooking for him or cleaning anything related to him. he should sleep in a seperate room and pay for his own costs (I am betting your salary subsidises his lifestyle). because that's not your job.

I fail to understand why you are with this moron.

OhComeOnFFS · 08/12/2023 11:59

You and your children would be far, far better off living separately from this complete waste of space. Your baby shouldn't be watching TV for three hours and not going outdoors. None of you should be living in a mess. It's not good for any of you.

Honestly, I would tell him to get out.

How could you manage childcare without him? Do you have a local nursery? Before and after school care?

Workawayxx · 08/12/2023 11:59

I’d price up full time childcare for all dc and your H going back to work full time. At least the baby would get some stimulation and decent meals in nursery (I can’t believe your H won’t even make the DC lunch!). The house wouldn’t get so messy as the dc would be out. It sounds totally unworkable for you how things are. I imagine you’d also be able to concentrate on work much better if you werent stressing about getting the baby lunch etc.

On cleaners, there are some who will deal with mess and some who just want to clean and expect it to be tidy. Mine is brilliant and will pile stuff up if it’s a bit messy and just do what she can. Can you have a giant weekend clean/tidy initially just to get to a reasonable point then have the cleaner out?

Octavia64 · 08/12/2023 12:00

Also, food for the baby - depending on what you think are "proper lunches".

A good solution which is also healthy is picky bits with lots of fruit and veg - so tomatoes, carrot, hard boiled eggs cheese, fresh bread.

This is healthy and the baby can choose lots of different things but is really quick and easy to make.

LusaBatoosa · 08/12/2023 12:00

Sickofthislife · 08/12/2023 11:45

He said he is not picking up after me and the kids as we are the ones that make all the mess so that is his answer.

I’m currently looking in to a cleaner, is there anything that they don’t do? My house isn’t a shit hole it’s mainly the floors and bathrooms seals and windows.

How does that apply to things like food shops, cooking meals, deep cleans and stripping the beds? And why is cleaning up after the kids your responsibility, not his? Particularly as you work more? Have you asked him? If not, why not?

Are you scared of this man, OP?

allmyliesaretrue · 08/12/2023 12:01

Sickofthislife · 08/12/2023 09:05

I always say to him why are you coming to tell me for? And he always said you should be doing it on the evening it’s just embarrassing imagine if my mum and dad came over and seen this now.

Show quote history

Invite his mum and dad over without telling him and let them see the mess for themselves. Embarrass the hell out of him.

Also send him to fuck back out to work. His being a partly SAHP is not working. He's not fulfilling his side of the deal and it sounds like he's not exactly stimulating company for your children. Then outsource the childcare and the cleaning. He can pay proportionately according to his earnings.

Otherwise, just get rid. It's shocking that he won't even make lunches or at least start the dinner.

I too have a busy caseload, same field - it's far from easy.