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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH sits down all day and complains the house is a mess

248 replies

Sickofthislife · 08/12/2023 08:56

I work full time from home I have a stressful job in HR and I have to constantly be on the ball and my job does take over my life in a sense. By time I’ve finished work I’m exhausted and have to think about dinner at 5pm.

DH works part time 3 times a week on the evening the rest of his days are spent with 1 year old DS wondering around the house. He doesn’t take DS to any trips out or anything. We also have another 2 DCS.

On the weekends I will deep clean and strip beds and food shop but I mainly leave everything to these days.

During the week we having many arguments about the cleanliness of the house and no dinner arrangements.

If he was working full time the house would be tidy and dinner would be ready for 5.

He just blames me for everything and it’s really starting to upset me and in some ways it’s making me feel nervous and all over the place I feel like I’m heading towards a breakdown.

I get paid a brilliant salary and I am trying to keep my job as I’m able to provide my kids with a better life but I’m not sure how much longer I can do this.

I feel like quitting some days and just having no money at least the house would be clean and food would be in the fridge.

I can’t express my views as it just turns into a huge argument.

So much is expected of me!

OP posts:
Merryhobnobs · 08/12/2023 10:14

This is a really ridiculous situation, you are doing way, way too much. I'm guessing all the mental load with kids activities, school things, appointments also fall to you to organise? In our house my DH works full time at work but often works in evenings too. He tries to keep weekends clear. I work part time. I do the bulk of the cooking and shopping. We each have our own chores (him bins, hanging up washing, putting milk bottles out, grass in summer). I did most of the cleaning but get him and the kids to help with some stuff. We decided two months ago to start getting cleaners every two weeks. It makes such a difference. Our bathrooms get a good scrub and the floors. It forces the kids to do a big tidy up the night before. We've set Alexa up at 6.30pm every night with a ten minute timer for everyone to tidy. It isn't perfect it works for us, we make tweaks as necessary but we are a family so the load of everything is shared.

We do still have words with each other at times because life is busy and stuff slips but we can and do talk to each other about it and try to improve.

asitwas689 · 08/12/2023 10:15

Cosywintertime · 08/12/2023 10:11

To be honest, I see a lot of threads like this from the opposite gender perspective and everyone says being a stay at home mum to a one year old is hard and cleaning should be shared by both parties in the evening. It’s curious as he’s a man he’s seen as lazy.

i was thinking this. i have a 2 and 1 year old and while we do get out plenty we also have lazy days at home and barely any cleaning gets done because im too busy dealing with other things

Trickedbyadoughnut · 08/12/2023 10:15

Cosywintertime · 08/12/2023 10:11

To be honest, I see a lot of threads like this from the opposite gender perspective and everyone says being a stay at home mum to a one year old is hard and cleaning should be shared by both parties in the evening. It’s curious as he’s a man he’s seen as lazy.

Actually, those threads talk about sharing the cleaning and housework - currently OP is the only one doing any cleaning or housework at all, he is not even properly caring for the DC AND he has the gall to complain about it.

BlazingJune · 08/12/2023 10:16

I always say to him why are you coming to tell me for? And he always said you should be doing it on the evening it’s just embarrassing imagine if my mum and dad came over and seen this now.

If you accept this from him, it's just playing his game.

Honestly, I'd have hit the roof if he came out with crap like that.

Has he been brought up in the 1940s? Does he see housework and cooking as women's work?

Why are you accepting this from him?

Justfinking · 08/12/2023 10:16

Cosywintertime · 08/12/2023 10:11

To be honest, I see a lot of threads like this from the opposite gender perspective and everyone says being a stay at home mum to a one year old is hard and cleaning should be shared by both parties in the evening. It’s curious as he’s a man he’s seen as lazy.

I think the difference is the SAHM parent isn't moaning about the state of the house and saying they're too embarrassed to get a cleaner. Most would welcome a cleaner!

Pippylongstock · 08/12/2023 10:17

Is there any childminders in the area that also pick up from school? This situation in untenable mostly for your poor baby who is getting zero stimulation. Do not quit your job, have a long hard look at your relationship

Wittyname10 · 08/12/2023 10:17

He sounds pathetic. Works 3 times a week part time and naps for hours in the day?

Tell him you're organising a cleaner, regardless of his opinion, and if he's so embarrassed maybe he will get his finger out and do something.

Give him a fucking shopping list and tell him to get his arse to the supermarket.

Honestly, some men give the rest of us a bad name, and it would appear you are married to misogynistic piece of shit who doesn't value you, doesn't realise how good hes got it and is lazy as fuck.

Ginmonkeyagain · 08/12/2023 10:18

@Cosywintertime Well the issue here is he is not pulling his weight either in terms of earning or houshold tasks and has the absolute gall to complain to his full time earning partner that the house is messy.

kitsuneghost · 08/12/2023 10:18

What are you arguing about even?
You literally do as much as you want to do and he can complain all he likes.
Him: house is a mess
You: well clean it then
End of discussion. Do not engage further

BlazingJune · 08/12/2023 10:19

What's his background?

Is he a mummy's boy? Did his mum act as a servant to him?
Has he not had a role model of a man helping out at home?

Where has he got this idea that only women do these chores?

He barely works. 3 evenings a week- where? Bar? Cafe? Gym? Security?

Has he no ambition?

Cadenza12 · 08/12/2023 10:21

Get a cleaner, he doesn't get a say. Maybe he will turn into one of those people who clean before the cleaner turns up if he's that bothered. Give him a list of things he needs to do to keep the ball rolling. He really needs to pull his weight.

CHRIS003 · 08/12/2023 10:23

Cosywintertime · 08/12/2023 10:11

To be honest, I see a lot of threads like this from the opposite gender perspective and everyone says being a stay at home mum to a one year old is hard and cleaning should be shared by both parties in the evening. It’s curious as he’s a man he’s seen as lazy.

I agree to a certain extent with your comment but I am not sure why a Sahm with a baby can't do some housework too - never understand why working parent has to help with housework in the evening ? I had my children little in the early 2000's and I managed to look after the baby and do the housework during the day.i also worked part time nights as well. My husband looked after the baby and did essential housework such as washing up and hoovering as required when he was looking after them but I wouldn't have expected him to help with me housework in the evening when he got in from work and he didn't expect me too either when I was working.7

Justfinking · 08/12/2023 10:23

Cosywintertime · 08/12/2023 10:11

To be honest, I see a lot of threads like this from the opposite gender perspective and everyone says being a stay at home mum to a one year old is hard and cleaning should be shared by both parties in the evening. It’s curious as he’s a man he’s seen as lazy.

Also SAHM isn't sitting on her arse all day, the issue is they're usually running themselves raggard 24/7 whilst their partner does nothing

OnlyFannys · 08/12/2023 10:24

Honestly just leave, imagine how much better your life would be without this idiot

PurpleBugz · 08/12/2023 10:24

You work full time he does 3 days? The house and dinner are his responsibility based on that division of labour. The fact he's moaning about it and not seeing it's his own lazy fault is just bad.

He doesn't take 1yo out when caring for him? That's not great for development is it. If I were your situation I'd have a serious conversation and say I expect him to sort himself out and step up or I leave. However you may find he then gets resident parent status as he's apparently primary carer- so preempt that and make changes before you leave because I'd be worried about him sitting on his arse not taking little one out and getting maintenance off you

BlazingJune · 08/12/2023 10:27

You work full time he does 3 days?

No, @PurpleBugz he does 3 evenings (presumably not night shifts, but maybe a few hours.)

Cumberbiatch · 08/12/2023 10:27

I think he sounds like a nob, but equally the fact that you say he's "sitting down all day" is massively, massively downplaying the hard work it takes to care for a one-year-old. It does say a lot about your attitude towards childcare. Your DP should do more, of course he should, but I think I'd be a bit bitter and unhappy if my DP thought that caring for a young child and having an evening job too was "sitting down all day." It really isn't.

TooOldForThisNonsense · 08/12/2023 10:30

Why doesn’t he do any of it? Lazy man child

forgotmyusername1 · 08/12/2023 10:33

option 1 - he works full time and you pay for childcare/ cleaner from his increase in salary
option 2- he works part time but is responsible for all midweek tidying, cleaning and dinners . you will do some at the weekend
option 3 - you become a single parent. it is one less baby to look after

my husband is a stay at home dad. he does 90% of the housework and all cooking during the week.

Colinswheels · 08/12/2023 10:36

@SleepingStandingUp yes I posted again when I realised he was just leaving the child in front of the TV all day to say I didn't agree. I have a lot of memories from having young DC of trying to do everything and eventually I decided my job on my days off was to look after them, not clean the house above the obvious.

OhNoOhNo · 08/12/2023 10:49

Please divorce the cocklodging cunt.

LizzieRose16 · 08/12/2023 10:49

AgnesX · 08/12/2023 09:12

Why quit your job .... your DH sounds like a bit of a waste of space...

If he's not prepared to pull his weight

  • get a cleaner
  • get him to work extra hours
  • put little one into nursery to accommodate him working more

This.

Your DH is bone idle!

NonPlayerCharacter · 08/12/2023 10:49

The child is at home and in front of the TV all day every day?

Original poster
Sickofthislife · 08/12/2023 11:04

baby is in front of tv from 9-12 then nap until 2 or half 2. Then brother and sister are home and will play with with DS. DH won’t make proper lunches either I do my best in between my breaks but I’ve got so many cases at the moment I’m stressed with work.

I have just spoken to him again he thinks a cleaner is a waste of money. But I don’t see it that way. We spend tons of money on takeaway because there is no planning.

OP posts:
Ginmonkeyagain · 08/12/2023 11:06

So he won't pay for a cleaner, but expects you to give your weekends and evenings up to clean and tidy the house? Very generous of him.