DH sits down all day and complains the house is a mess

[Sickofthislife]

I work full time from home I have a stressful job in HR and I have to constantly be on the ball and my job does take over my life in a sense. By time I’ve finished work I’m exhausted and have to think about dinner at 5pm.

DH works part time 3 times a week on the evening the rest of his days are spent with 1 year old DS wondering around the house. He doesn’t take DS to any trips out or anything. We also have another 2 DCS.

On the weekends I will deep clean and strip beds and food shop but I mainly leave everything to these days.

During the week we having many arguments about the cleanliness of the house and no dinner arrangements.

If he was working full time the house would be tidy and dinner would be ready for 5.

He just blames me for everything and it’s really starting to upset me and in some ways it’s making me feel nervous and all over the place I feel like I’m heading towards a breakdown.

I get paid a brilliant salary and I am trying to keep my job as I’m able to provide my kids with a better life but I’m not sure how much longer I can do this.

I feel like quitting some days and just having no money at least the house would be clean and food would be in the fridge.

I can’t express my views as it just turns into a huge argument.

So much is expected of me!

I don’t see this. Can you link any examples of threads where this was a popular view?

Kick him out, claim CMS, put baby in nursery. Baby will be much better off in nursery than the current situation which sounds borderline neglectful.

Whatever you do, do NOT give up
your job.

The OP says he mostly watches TV with the baby. Looking after a 1yo is actually not that hard if you are happy to be a really shit parent.

OP you need him to either get a full time job (so you can pay for nursery/childminder for LO and a cleaner/housekeeper) or he needs to leave. of he leaves, he needs to work full time anyway and he will have to pay CM. what a leech

OP your DC are going to grow up in an environment that mum does everything. This is not acceptable for your mental health and for their future. They should see a healthy relationship where life admin is balanced between mum and dad.

Think of the example you’re both setting for them and long term impacts. He sounds awful. I’m not built to be a SAHP, I don’t do crafts etc but even I can interact with my child when they’re home and not stick them in front of the TV for hours - there’s a time and place (illness/terrible night) but this shouldn’t be the norm.

Why isn’t he doing it, though? Have you asked him? Got him to point blank say it’s somehow all your job?

Do not give up your job under any circumstances.

You need to see a solicitor ASAP.- my initial thoughts are for you to put your 1 year old in nursery so your DH cannot claim to be the SAH parent, therefore leaving you to pay him child support. What a bloody waste of space he sounds.

Omg baby is in front of a tv for three hours straight.
That's shocking.

SOunds like yet another man who expects the woman to do everything.

This doesn't sound fair. I suppose he is looking after the kids whilst you do the housework. And what does wondering around the house involve? Is he playing and talking or is the TV on? I didn't find it easy working and looking after a child on my day off. Who does nursery or school runs? It sounds to me like neither values the others contribution.

However I'm any case complaining the house isn't tidy and doing nothing to help is ridiculous. What happens if you say fair point you could do x ?

He sounds lazy as a parent and well in terms of everything else really. If he wants you to do housework in the evenings presumably he has no objections to doing the housework on the evenings when he doesn't work? I bet he will have. Time to think about whether this is how you want the rest of your life OP.

He is lazy. Get a cleaner, as this does help keep on top of mess and get him being organised with household stuff. This is not sexist but the SAHP picks up the bulk of household tasks, not the FT worker. Appalling to put a child in front of the TV for so long - lazy and detrimental to their health and development.

OP - when I was a SAHM to two DS I didn’t get the cleaning done either so we got a cleaner . I did though take them out every morning , do things with them and get everyone fed daily and the washing under control . Your DH is taking the mick however as others have said you do need to play this one very carefully if you don’t want to continue the relationship or you will carrying him for a very long time

He doesn’t sound like he’s cut out to be a sahp. He’s not playing with baby or taking them to baby groups. No food prep eg he could put something in slow cooker while baby naps. No cleaning.
Obviously sahp shouldn’t do all cooking and cleaning but sounds like you do lots plus work ft.
I’d not give up your job under any circumstances.
Him working ft and baby in childcare and cleaner would probably e a better fit.

All sympathies, OP.

You sound like a very capable, practical person who needs a system. Try getting onto this: The Fair Play Book | Fair Play Life

The book and cards are available on Amazon. Once I sat down with DH and distributed the 'weight' of family management, things that had previously happened 'invisibly' became visible, and the scales fell from his eyes.

It's a total gamechanger.

If your DH is resistant and won't get a third party, i.e. a cleaner, to help, or help himself, then start making plans to leave. Your life is too precious to waste.

Why isn't he doing the cleaning and shopping? Lazy sexist arsehole.

Does he actually want to be the primary carer of the children and work in the evenings? Interested to learn of what has led to this arrangement. Reluctant carers are often linked to poorer outcomes for children.

Sounds like you both would benefit from going out to work or hybrid working (full or part time) and finding high quality childcare for the baby.

If I were in his shoes I would hate my partner wfh all the time - maybe he would act differently if you worked in an office at least part of the time.

It depends on your baby and how much TV you put on. We minimised screen time and our baby woke a lot at night. So I only did a bit of housework. I got back ache if I put him in the sling.

Put the TV on, use the sling and have a good sleeper and yes you can do more. Doesn't make u better.

Sounds like you don't have a partner; you've not got an equal, you're not a union, a force to be reckoned with, the two of you against the world type stuff...

you've got yourself a manbaby.

What benefit does your life have by him being around. When was the last time you had nice sparkly thoughts that you were so glad and lucky to have him in your life?

your job is not your problem, keep the job, get a cleaner, ditch the manbaby and your life will improve no end.

This set up doesn't work for you. If this was reversed full time working man would be expected to help out during all his free time when not at work. Ive seen plenty of such posts on MN. As woman busy with childcare. Except he isn't even doing much childcare. The person at home should be doing most of the cleaning.

Your life would be a hundred times easier without your husband who appears to think he has a gold plated arse which must be worshipped. If it would be mainly your earnings paying for a cleaner, then get one. Maybe reconsider what you want your children to learn about relationships and domestic life.

From what you are describing, he sounds like a (lazy) au pair.
He's literally walking the kids to school and (presumably) changing nappies.
He's not doing any kid activities, park, walk, not even meals for then?
Wow.

This is actually insane!

I’m sorry OP but this isn’t even about him not cleaning or lack of not cleaning.

He literally doesn’t respect (or possibly even like) you and the kids much at all.

You work FT, do the majority of the housework and cooking and he does the bare minimum and then moans about it??

This would be the end of the relationship for me.
Its not like you would be missing out on anything because you do it all yourself anyway.

When you are a in a relationship but act like a single parent, then you know it’s over.

But the point is in this situation it's not being done by both parties- the full time worker is expected to do it all whilst the SAHP is doing nothing.