DH sits down all day and complains the house is a mess

[Sickofthislife]

I work full time from home I have a stressful job in HR and I have to constantly be on the ball and my job does take over my life in a sense. By time I’ve finished work I’m exhausted and have to think about dinner at 5pm.

DH works part time 3 times a week on the evening the rest of his days are spent with 1 year old DS wondering around the house. He doesn’t take DS to any trips out or anything. We also have another 2 DCS.

On the weekends I will deep clean and strip beds and food shop but I mainly leave everything to these days.

During the week we having many arguments about the cleanliness of the house and no dinner arrangements.

If he was working full time the house would be tidy and dinner would be ready for 5.

He just blames me for everything and it’s really starting to upset me and in some ways it’s making me feel nervous and all over the place I feel like I’m heading towards a breakdown.

I get paid a brilliant salary and I am trying to keep my job as I’m able to provide my kids with a better life but I’m not sure how much longer I can do this.

I feel like quitting some days and just having no money at least the house would be clean and food would be in the fridge.

I can’t express my views as it just turns into a huge argument.

So much is expected of me!

It seems like you’ve got a good plan and you’re on the right track but I’d see a solicitor as soon as possible for advice to make sure you’re not missing anything. I’d also just like to reiterate that your dh is a bone-idle, nasty, neglectful twat and you and your dc deserve better than him.

@Sickofthislife OP as you are married, be very very careful because he is going to take 50% of your savings. I would have a word with a solicitor ASAP.

Op you got this. You are a strong, capable and independent woman. You have a good plan and you will give your kids a much better quality of life. He is just horrid for sticking your baby in front of the TV for so many hours. Useless, lazy lump. I'm rooting for you!! The nerve of him to have 2 days at home and still do what he does.

He doesn't need to cheat on you to be treating you and your family like garbage and for you to have a right to leave.

He just upped and left the house to go shopping while he was responsible for the baby? After a morning of nothing but TV??

As a wise friend of mine once said, 'divorce is expensive because it's worth it'. The OP may well lose out financially unfortunately but sounds as if its a price worth paying. And to be fair, for a period of time in their marriage, the OP was the SAH parent and he the one working full time. So it is not as if this financial dynamic is characteristic of their whole marriage.

You are absolutely doing the right thing.

He's not just lazy, he's a nasty piece of work.

Said he hates me and can’t stand me

That's abusive. He's a vile bully.

He’s put the baby down for a nap and now gone off to town to go round the shops

Wait, he's left you with the baby while you're working from home? So he's not even doing THE ONE JOB he has during the day?

Christ.

Very much this and that includes the left wing feminist sociologists while written about this! Somehow hiring a cleaner or nanny is exploitative of other women, but getting the garage to change your tires rather than doing it yourself is business as usual. The hypocrisy!

I get paid a brilliant salary and I am trying to keep my job as I’m able to provide my kids with a better life but I’m not sure how much longer I can do this.

Keep the job, get rid of the husband.

He's the one in all day; he's the one letting the house get untidy (presumably with toys, and his own stuff); he's the one who should at least be preparing a meal, even if he doesn't actually cook it . . .

Whatever you do, don't give up your well-paid job. He sounds like a man who will either leave you for someone who will tell him how wonderful he is and willput up with his sh!tty attitude, or who will eventually drive you to leave him.

You will need as much financial independence as you can get.

@Sickofthislife in the long term I think this sounds untenable and he's unlikely to change. But in the short term, get a cleaner - pay no heed to his stupid excuses, does he not imagine that cleaners have truly seen it all ??? - and get a meal kit service. It'll save you a fortune on takeaways due to lack of meal planning and proper shopping and take one more thing off your plate. I know Gousto do family friendly meals as part of their offering now and others may be similar. You'll save a fortune and eat better with less effort.

Apologies OP - I''ve just read all your posts (should have done this first before commenting) and see that you are on to it.

Good!

It will be better for you and your children - especially the baby who should not be stuck in front of the TV for hours every day, not even being played with.

What, and leave that poor little 1yo parked in front of a TV 3 hours a day, every day? He's a shit dad who neither looks after his kids nor runs the home - OP does the latter, as well as carries all the mental load, appointments, etc. What she needs is to transition to full-time childcare and get rid of the useless bugger.

Now THIS sort of thing is what you need to lodge in a diary - a SAHP would have to take the baby with him. Along with also noting down exact TV times.

I was thinking this, given that the OP refers to DH rather than DP.

OP, if you are in a position to buy at the moment, you may well not be if you divorce him as he may take you to the cleaner's. He could argue (erroneously, given that he does nothing with your baby - but he's not going to tell anyone that) that he, as a "SAHP", is actually entitled to more than half of everything. The expectation would be that he would get a job and your/his children would have to go to childcare/after-school club etc - but the worst case scenario would be that you find yourself having to hand over 60% of all your assets, and pay CM to the lazy bastard, and only see your children for half of the week.

You urgently need legal advice before you do anything else at all. It might also be worth hammering out an agreement with him about who does what at home - and about your youngest child being looked after outside the home. This would mean he would absolutely have to get a job. Any job!

If the situation were that you were both working f/t and you split up, he at least couldn't play the "SAHP" card and claim that he hasn't worked only to facilitate your career.

Poor baby is definitely being neglected. This guys is a total loser, his life will definitely be worse without you then other way around.

I was just coming to say that. On paper he's the SAHP, that could really complicated things for OP.

exactly my concern. also OP as much as you can, communicate with him by text in order to have written records. so requests that you make to ask him to clean, look after baby etc. and his refusal is all documented.

you need a good lawyer. and you need to put your ducks in a row, now. if you have parents, speak to them.

When he comes in while you’re working, I think you should stop him from talking and send a text each time saying “Please don’t interrupt me while I’m working. I need to concentrate on my job. I want to hear what you have to say. Please text me instead.” - you sound reasonable, show that he’s sabotaging you and have a record of his hostility.

Keep the job. Get rid of the husband. Sure you'll take a financial hit but the longer you leave it the more expensive it's likely to get rid of this dud specimen. Take legal advice to make sure he doesnt clain custody and maintenance off you. It doesn't look like he'd be able to feed to feed and clothe them on the current evidence. In the meantime hire a cleaner and tell your husband he could always do a pre tidy if he's so concerned about his inadequacies being on show. Seriously, and not being goady but what prompted you to have another baby with him? Has he always been like this?

You definitely need legal advice. I wonder if this has been his game plan all along - be useless and dependent so he can leach off you and then behave so badly that you are forced to end the relationship (at which point he says poor me, I need maintenance etc).

Definitely go for full custody on the grounds that he is an incapable father. Gather your evidence on that score. TBH if he can’t be arsed before divorce he is unlikely to bother much afterwards.

He is a nasty, lazy, venal sod who can’t even be bothered to make the slightest effort with his own children.

Take legal advice first! Its very hard to get full custody in the UK I believe—I don’t even think they use that word. I think the starting point is 50/50 as well. You may be able to outmaneuver him but its not going to be easy. Try to get him to go back to work first.

I hate to say this, but I know of very few cases of “SAHDs” who actually do a good job of the house and kids. Not saying they don’t exist, only that they seem to be the minority. In the majority of cases, the guy is a lazy arse who spends a lot of time gaming and the wife still ends up doing the majority of domestic stuff.

💐

I really feel for you. Every partner man or woman either works, provides decent childcare ie not just TV or cleans and usually a combination. He's doing neither. I'm quite curious about what he's actually doing.

Don't give up your job. Get childcare so he doesn't keep hindering their development and disrupting your work. Tell him it's best for them to be around other kids and childcare professionals and it will give him more time to work and clean.

Say you're divinding chores. Start preparing for a possible divorce after your probation period depending on how you feel then.