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Original poster

DH sits down all day and complains the house is a mess

248 replies

Sickofthislife · 08/12/2023 08:56

I work full time from home I have a stressful job in HR and I have to constantly be on the ball and my job does take over my life in a sense. By time I’ve finished work I’m exhausted and have to think about dinner at 5pm.

DH works part time 3 times a week on the evening the rest of his days are spent with 1 year old DS wondering around the house. He doesn’t take DS to any trips out or anything. We also have another 2 DCS.

On the weekends I will deep clean and strip beds and food shop but I mainly leave everything to these days.

During the week we having many arguments about the cleanliness of the house and no dinner arrangements.

If he was working full time the house would be tidy and dinner would be ready for 5.

He just blames me for everything and it’s really starting to upset me and in some ways it’s making me feel nervous and all over the place I feel like I’m heading towards a breakdown.

I get paid a brilliant salary and I am trying to keep my job as I’m able to provide my kids with a better life but I’m not sure how much longer I can do this.

I feel like quitting some days and just having no money at least the house would be clean and food would be in the fridge.

I can’t express my views as it just turns into a huge argument.

So much is expected of me!

OP posts:
Colinswheels · 08/12/2023 09:16

Going against the grain a little here but I found it really difficult to get much housework done on my days off with DC. I prioritised getting out to playgroups, the park etc. I always put a wash on, cleaned up after lunch, started on dinner etc but additional things like cleaning bathrooms were mainly left to the weekend. I agree your DH needs to contribute more and stop the moaning though.

Ginmonkeyagain · 08/12/2023 09:17

You work in HR. What would you do if this was a work situation?

RockStarship · 08/12/2023 09:18

Well if you want to stay in this marriage then you need to sit him down and make it explicitly clear that he is responsible for the cooking and cleaning, and together come up with a rota of what he's doing and when he's doing it. Lounging around all day playing with a 1 year old and then playing on the PlayStation with the other kids is an absolute piss take when you are working and doing so much in the house as well. He needs to step up.

However, quite honestly, it sounds like you're doing nearly everything at the moment both in and out of the house, so ditch the useless idiot. You'll still have to do what you're doing now but without the useless man shaped lump lurking and moaning on your sofa.

Colinswheels · 08/12/2023 09:19

Ahh, just read your update. If he isn't actually doing things with DC and just letting them watch tv he should be using his time for housework.

Grumpsy · 08/12/2023 09:21

I second the poster who said they’d quit their marriage before their job in this situation

thetworonnies · 08/12/2023 09:21

What's the point of him? Not only is he being a lazy, selfish prick he's also teaching your kids that men sit on their arses and whinge whilst women do everything. Fuck him off.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/12/2023 09:21

The more I type my situation out on here the more I think what the hell am I doing.

My thoughts exactly. Your husband is shit. Your marriage is shit. You don't need this man for anything, and he couldn't have less respect for you if he tried. In his mind, you're the skivvy

Get rid of this arsehole.

RockStarship · 08/12/2023 09:22

And just seen that he's not even playing with the baby or taking him/her out anywhere...so he's basically laying around all day doing sweet FA whilst moaning at you because the house isn't clean. What an absolute loser.

Mrgrinch · 08/12/2023 09:24

Honestly I think it's time to have a frank conversation about where your relationship is headed if he carries on being a lazy twat.

GrumpyPanda · 08/12/2023 09:25

GrumpyOldCrone · 08/12/2023 09:14

In this situation I’d quit my marriage rather than my job.

She can't afford that though as long as her "D"H is pretending to be a SAHD all while doing fuck all childcare and keeping the majority of domestic tasks to her.

The 1yo needs to go to nursery full-time ASAP and OP will need solid documentation of who actually dies what for the kids, including play dates and doctors' visits. As in, several weeks or months worth of detailed diary entries.

Whataretheodds · 08/12/2023 09:26

Sickofthislife · 08/12/2023 09:05

I always say to him why are you coming to tell me for? And he always said you should be doing it on the evening it’s just embarrassing imagine if my mum and dad came over and seen this now.

Show quote history

What is he doing about it?

Why does he do no housework?

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 08/12/2023 09:28

Sickofthislife · 08/12/2023 09:04

I have suggested a cleaner and he said that it’s embarrassing having someone come in and see our mess.

So he just brings problems and not solutions.

LittleBrownBaby · 08/12/2023 09:29

Ginmonkeyagain · 08/12/2023 09:17

You work in HR. What would you do if this was a work situation?

I agree with this. Performance manage him out.

Tooshytoshine · 08/12/2023 09:29

Is he depressed? Or just a pig? If depressed then the house will simply feel completely over whelming and he won't know how to fix it. Don't throw the baby out with the bath water.

I don't know the reasons why he is currently working part time and this is your set up. I would hazard a guess that it was not a decision based upon feminism and him willingly taking the sahp role.

TV and playstation is not parenting and it sounds like it would be better for you both if he worked more and the youngest went to nursery where they are more socialised and stimulated. Your partner seems very shut down and like his self esteem might have taken a battering somewhere along the way. I am sure you wouldn't have married and had kids with a man this ridiculously useless so what happened?

I don't know how messy your house is but it can very easily slip out of control. It might get be a declutter would help get the house back to a decent standard for a cleaner to come in whilst you both work. In the past we have hired a skip or done tip runs and charity shop drop offs then spent a weekend being brutal about what we still use and what we can live without.

TotalAbsenceOfImperialRaiment · 08/12/2023 09:32

It's not your job you should be thinking of quitting.

BallaiLuimni · 08/12/2023 09:32

So basically your husband does absolutely nothing except keep the baby alive and work part time, then has the gall to complain to you about the house??

What??

Whatever you do, keep your job. You need to find a way to get rid of the husband. Your life will be far better without him.

KissTheRains · 08/12/2023 09:33

it’s making me feel nervous and all over the place

This is the end goal right here.
Wearing you down over time.

Just from that one sentence, it points a little to more serious issues.

So I'm curious.

Have you moved house since being with him? You're now further from your mum and dad etc.
How are your friendships with people he doesn't socialise with?
Has he criticised your friends in the past and you've decided to stop seeing some?
Does he ever compare you to other partners or expectations? (Sounds like he does)

Really really think about this relationship, have you given up things that made sense at the time, but now you may realise that HE pushed you into giving those things up?

Maybe he went a bit moody cause you went out with a friend, so you stopped going out with that friend. Maybe he found a house that's perfect, and it's only 40 minutes from your family, but it's 10 minutes to his.

I'm not saying it is the case BTW but if any of my ramblings sound even remotely familiar, you should really analyse your history with him a little and research other men that have isolated their partners, trapped them by marriage and kids, got them to do the lions share of the work, encouraged them to earn the money and then all of a sudden changed jobs to work less and stay home more.

Emotional and Financial abuse.

Good partners don't make their spouse:
"it’s making me feel nervous and all over the place"
Partners that do make their spouse feel that way are gaslighters, abusers, domineering, overbearing etc etc.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/12/2023 09:33

Your husband can fuck off back to mum and dad. His mummy will clean his room for him, I'm sure.

Comtesse · 08/12/2023 09:34

Put him on a PIP, he is on thin ice and taking the piss.

Bring your formidable work self to this situation, not the put-upon wife who feels like she is not doing enough.

Find your anger.

SleepingStandingUp · 08/12/2023 09:36

Colinswheels · 08/12/2023 09:16

Going against the grain a little here but I found it really difficult to get much housework done on my days off with DC. I prioritised getting out to playgroups, the park etc. I always put a wash on, cleaned up after lunch, started on dinner etc but additional things like cleaning bathrooms were mainly left to the weekend. I agree your DH needs to contribute more and stop the moaning though.

But he's not getting out to playgroups. He's not putting a wash on. He's not cleaning up after lunch. He's lying on the sofa whilst the 1 year old is glued to the TV.

Loulooop · 08/12/2023 09:39

He isn’t even taking the baby to baby groups?

Not that I think you should stay, I’m just wondering if he’s depressed? Watching tv all day sounds depressing.

RandomMess · 08/12/2023 09:41

I was a SAHP and DH had a local not hugely stressful job so he pulled his weight with DC and household stuff evening and weekends.

He used to hang the laundry up to dry (I loathe that chore) wash up/clear up after dinner, help bath and put DC to bed - 4DC. Bins and DIY and general daily tidy up.

At nap time I was the cleaning demon - sweep up and mop floor daily, did all the food planning, shopping and cooking. Laundry, bed changes, sorting out their clothes - all girls that were tall for their age so was a notable task when young. All the house/car etc and general life admin.

Took the DC put daily plus all the nursery and school runs.

i thibk i had it easy!

Seriously his idea of looking after DC and contributing to the household is a joke.

Maray1967 · 08/12/2023 09:41

Sickofthislife · 08/12/2023 09:05

I always say to him why are you coming to tell me for? And he always said you should be doing it on the evening it’s just embarrassing imagine if my mum and dad came over and seen this now.

Show quote history

So push it straight back and say I’m the one working full time. Get off your arse and do it yourself!

Doubleespresso33 · 08/12/2023 09:42

To put it into perspective, my dh works full time and still does all the school runs and a majority of the cooking. He also takes the oldest to his club on a Friday night, half a day Saturday and an hour on Sunday. I do most of the cleaning and getting the kids ready (I am two weeks away from giving birth so he is going above and beyond but he still does more then I would expect for someone who also works really long hours in a hard job).

if your working and DH is the SAHP for the most part, he should be doing most of the cleaning and cooking around his work.

Fraaahnces · 08/12/2023 09:42

It’s Christmas… I’m sure he’d love a gift-wrapped Henry Hoover and a feather duster and matching French Maid’s outfit in his size. I think you need to write a list of all the tasks that need doing and assign 3/4 of them to him. What a prick!