DH sits down all day and complains the house is a mess

[Sickofthislife]

I work full time from home I have a stressful job in HR and I have to constantly be on the ball and my job does take over my life in a sense. By time I’ve finished work I’m exhausted and have to think about dinner at 5pm.

DH works part time 3 times a week on the evening the rest of his days are spent with 1 year old DS wondering around the house. He doesn’t take DS to any trips out or anything. We also have another 2 DCS.

On the weekends I will deep clean and strip beds and food shop but I mainly leave everything to these days.

During the week we having many arguments about the cleanliness of the house and no dinner arrangements.

If he was working full time the house would be tidy and dinner would be ready for 5.

He just blames me for everything and it’s really starting to upset me and in some ways it’s making me feel nervous and all over the place I feel like I’m heading towards a breakdown.

I get paid a brilliant salary and I am trying to keep my job as I’m able to provide my kids with a better life but I’m not sure how much longer I can do this.

I feel like quitting some days and just having no money at least the house would be clean and food would be in the fridge.

I can’t express my views as it just turns into a huge argument.

So much is expected of me!

Exactly. Kick his arse good and hard (verbally).

Get a divorce and send the baby to nursery. This deadbeat is bringing nothing to your life. He’s an absolute disgrace!

He sounds really awful OP. I was a SAHM and later a mum who worked part time. I still managed to take my young children out most days, do nice activities with them at home and do housework. Yes, some days we're difficult and I didn't get much done but I generally kept on top of things - the house was generally tidy and meals were cooked.
He has no excuse at all. He's sitting on his arse all day, neglecting your child, doing no housework at all and then he's blaming you!! This blows my mind. What a bastard.

Since he seems to subscribe to some outdated model of wife doing the cooking and cleaning, I'd probably ask him why he is not keeping up his end of the bargain and being the main breadwinner?

I would ask him to articulate why on earth he thinks it is solely your job to clean and tidy the house. You are both adults who use the house and are both therefore responsible for keeping it clean, tidy and maintained.

I dunno, does his penis get in the way of the vacuum cleaner or something?

Given he can argue he's the stay at home parent I wouldn't be considering divorce right now no matter how much of an arse he's being. If he can't share the load while at home then he needs to go back to work full time and you can get a cleaner and baby can go to childcare which is definitely better than being plonked in front of the TV all the time. He needs to man up and either carry a reasonable amount of the load at home or work so a professional can be paid to do the cleaning and the child care.

I wonder how he came to be the one working part time and doing childcare? It doesn't sound as though he enjoys it or is willing to engage with it.
It sounds as though it would be better if he worked full time and you both employ a cleaner and use a childminder or nursery.

In that case, the idle git can do some tidying up first!

Hang on, how did this situation come about op? Did you both sit down and talk about him becoming the default hosekeeper/cook/child minder or did you just assume he would?

And how many hours does he work in the evening and at what job? Is he going to bed late on work nights anc then getting up early with the toddler the next day?

Of course the op’s dh should not be demanding what is she doing about the mess. And of course the op should not be cleaning the house by herself at weekends.

But if he were to work three evenings a week, do all the cleaning and cooking and the school runs and look after a toddler all day, I am not sure that that would be entirely fair either. .

Nor is it fair that op works full time during the week and cleans all weekends obviously.

So they need to work out how to share out the tasks more equally.

You need some outside support in this situation op. Don’t negotiate about the cleaner, just employ one. If he is embarrassed about the cleaner seeing your mess then he will have to tidy up before she comes. Does he know where everything goes? Or is everything sorted according to op’s systems? Does he need briefing on what to do? Pathetic I know but he might not feel comfortable admitting that he doesn’t know where to start.

At least your dh will be forced to take your toddler out one morning a week while the cleaner is there. (Does he understand what a sahp routine looks like? School run, to park or shops on way home, food prep, eat, nap, play etc.) And then at least the cleaner could get your house straight before Christmas.

Then go back to basics with your dh. Both of you add to a massive master list, writing down every single household task that each of you do between now and Christmas and add in annual stuff like car servicing, insurance and all admin.

Then after Christmas divide it all up equally and start afresh in the NY.

If he doesn’t cooperate after that then you know what to do.

Whatever you do, DO NOT QUIT YOUR JOB.

Do not become financially dependent on this lazy manchild misogynist.

If he wasn't around, pretty sure the house would be cleaner and you'd be less stressed ...

I also love men who seem to think that women hiring a cleaner is somehow embarrassing or exploitative - do the think that about hiring - say plumbers, decorators or gardnerers. Or is it just traditioanlly female taks that it is embarrassing to outsource to a professional?

I dumped my useless exH for this shit. I was working full time from home and doing everything. All the laundry, cooking, cleaning, shopping, bill paying, appointment making. He did the school runs and emptied the dishwasher once a day (and moaned about that). It took me a long time but I divorced him. He wanted 50:50 and I agreed. I moved closer to my parents and my sister (only 30 mins from our old house and exH is only 20 mins from where we live now and we are rural so 20min is nothing). My lovely sister does my school runs now (I pay!) as she was doing her own anyway. I still do all the stuff but without the angry pit of resentment in my tummy. I also pay a cleaner and only have to cook one meal and have less pants to wash!
My ex sees DD every Friday night and every other Saturday overnight into Sunday. His choice - it got less and less because he is a lazy fucker. I no longer make excuses for him in my head. He is lazy. Yours is too. Life is better when you aren't carrying lazy people.

Why you with this loser? Get him gone

Your dh believes doing all the cooking, shopping and cleaning is your job, not his. He believes this because he is a sexist twat.

First, accept that dh is the problem and you cannot fix him. It is not even up to you to try. Despite this, you have tried. And he's still a lazy parent and a sexist, dismissive 'partner'.

Say this again: you cannot fix him, or change him.

Keep your job. Hire in any help you need, in case he decides to stop doing even the few things he does now: perhaps a childminder who can watch the little one and do school runs, for example. DC in school can do before/after school clubs.

Ask dh to leave. Hopefully he will prove himself a loving father who wants to play an active role in his dc's lives after you split. Don't count on it, though.

Teach your dc early how to help out with small jobs and keep the house tidy. Because it's a whole-family responsibility.

You've bagged yourself a cocklodger OP.

He won't change.

Get a divorce and a cleaner.

Completely unfair of him. With him working less than you, he should do more chores than you do. When he’s home with the 1 year old not taking them anywhere (which is a bit mean in itself), he should be doing chores then. You also shouldn’t be expected to do most of the chores at the weekend when he’s been home most of the week.

Your poor 1 year old 😕They spend all day wondering around the house, watching TV or napping. That's really sad.

If you're on a good salary, I'd put them into nursery for at least a couple of days just to get some interaction with other children as they're clearly not getting that from playgroups, etc. What a lazy git your husband is.

The person who works PT should be doing the majority of the housework and cooking etc, even if they’re also taking care of the children.

Whenever you’re both not at work, then it should be 50:50.

I assume he only works PT due to childcare?

Perhaps you could tell him that it obviously isn’t working and therefore you think it’s best that he goes FT and you go PT to help clean the house.

You need to pick him up on his laziness and tell him that he needs to be doing 70% of all of the housework.
There’s no excuse for him to be so lazy and dirty and tell him he should be embarrassed.

He does not get to have his cake and eat it too.
If he’s the one working less, then he should be doing more in other ways.

This would give me the ick so fast and I don’t think I could stay in this relationship.

To be honest, I see a lot of threads like this from the opposite gender perspective and everyone says being a stay at home mum to a one year old is hard and cleaning should be shared by both parties in the evening. It’s curious as he’s a man he’s seen as lazy.

If he is really a stay at home dad, then he needs to fess up and do his share.

Make a list of what need to be done and say he has to do it.

If not, I'd consider if I wanted the marriage to continue.

He sounds lazy and entitled. What on earth do you see in him?

If the OP quits her job today, he has a good case to be considered the resident parent. So then he gets the kids, the house and the OP gets to see them EOW plus a night in the week if he's so minded.

Have you always worked full time from home or is this a recent change ?
Is there an option for you to go to the office?
If you could work away from home then you might have better separation from work and home life?
Maybe he doesn't see the importance of your job because you work at home - because you are at home it still sees housework and taking the baby out etc as something you should be doing.would Going out everyday to the office give him the message that you have the more important job in financial terms and his role is to look after the baby & home.

I spent some time in Papua New Guinea. In the villages in the least developed areas, each family man is still expected to build his family’s house himself, create the transportation device with his bare hands (dugout canoe), slaughter the chickens and pigs and a hundred other things. Men in developed societies have long ago outsourced these tasks to professionals. Women are shamed if they outsource any of their traditional work, however.

I've seem these threads and, unless the woman is mum to triplets under 2, most people on them think the SAHP should do the lion's share of domestic duties, with evening and weekends shared bw both parents.

OK this comment has really given me the rage. You say you earn a brilliant salary, so leave this useless asshole that shows you no respect. Unbelievable that he's happy for you to earn the most and do everything else as well. LTB, seriously