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Original poster

DH sits down all day and complains the house is a mess

248 replies

Sickofthislife · 08/12/2023 08:56

I work full time from home I have a stressful job in HR and I have to constantly be on the ball and my job does take over my life in a sense. By time I’ve finished work I’m exhausted and have to think about dinner at 5pm.

DH works part time 3 times a week on the evening the rest of his days are spent with 1 year old DS wondering around the house. He doesn’t take DS to any trips out or anything. We also have another 2 DCS.

On the weekends I will deep clean and strip beds and food shop but I mainly leave everything to these days.

During the week we having many arguments about the cleanliness of the house and no dinner arrangements.

If he was working full time the house would be tidy and dinner would be ready for 5.

He just blames me for everything and it’s really starting to upset me and in some ways it’s making me feel nervous and all over the place I feel like I’m heading towards a breakdown.

I get paid a brilliant salary and I am trying to keep my job as I’m able to provide my kids with a better life but I’m not sure how much longer I can do this.

I feel like quitting some days and just having no money at least the house would be clean and food would be in the fridge.

I can’t express my views as it just turns into a huge argument.

So much is expected of me!

OP posts:
Original poster
Sickofthislife · 08/12/2023 13:36

Yep luckily I have no other meetings today so I can have DS when he wakes up but I can be dragged into meetings at anytime so it isn’t ideal.

I wish he would have another woman!! Would do me a favour but as you said he is too lazy.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sickofthislife · 08/12/2023 13:37

Shouldbedoing · 08/12/2023 13:34

Keep your head down, make sure you can prove that you do all the children's life care -Dentist GP shoe fitting, clubs, buying clothes that fit or else he could claim to be an actual SAHP, rather than a feeble babysitter. Go on a list for a nursery place for littlest. Get your probation done, then get rid. Outsource work to a cleaner or ironing person or whatever helps. Keep a diary, too.

Thank you this is my plan.

OP posts:
Goldbar · 08/12/2023 13:37

Sickofthislife · 08/12/2023 13:29

He’s put the baby down for a nap and now gone off to town to go round the shops! But he is the worst life ever apparently!!

Said he hates me and can’t stand me either whilst I was in a teams meeting. He has no respect for me or my career either.

You deserve a much better life than you have with him.

Start looking into nurseries/childminders. Your baby shouldn't bear the brunt of this shitty 'care'.

PollyPut · 08/12/2023 13:37

It;s not fair.

As a small step, have you considered getting a dinner plan (from him if necessary) and then ordering the weekly shop for him to put away while you are at work? At least there would be food in the fridge

PrinceHaz · 08/12/2023 13:39

You have to, quite obviously, LTB. If you need to wait to March to complete your probationary period, then plan your escape financially and logistically until then. Get all the advice you can and plan methodically without telling him. It will empower you and make you feel like you have a goal. Then split at the end of March when you have all your ducks in a row.
'Grey rock' him in the meantime. Do what you feel is right that you should do in the home and don't rise to his ridiculous comments. Pretend he hasn't said them. Just plough on as you are, but calmly.
If he's now being emotionally, financially abusive in any way, keep a log of that in case it becomes relevant in the split e.g. his parental rights with the children.

CHRIS003 · 08/12/2023 13:58

Nowherenew · 08/12/2023 13:33

So you’re working, yet he’s making you look after the youngest if they wake up?

He has completely checked out of this relationship.

Either there’s an OW (although I think he’s too lazy for this) or he’s annoyed that you are becoming more independent and have your own career, earning more money than him and didn’t stay in your place.

He’s a dick and I honestly don’t know why you’re still with him and what you get out of it.
He sounds vile.

Show quote history

You have to ask yourself - do I still love this man and is our relationship worth saving.
If the answer is yes then you need to look at how things can be changed
If the answer is no - then make plans to split up

muggart · 08/12/2023 14:06

Oh wow 3hrs of TV in a row for a baby! Horrific. They'll end up with no concentration span at all.

Andthereyougo · 08/12/2023 14:12

Sickofthislife · 08/12/2023 09:04

I have suggested a cleaner and he said that it’s embarrassing having someone come in and see our mess.

Bloody hell, this man child needs to grow up.
Is he clueless as to what to do? ( friend is like this, wanders around the house doing nothing but moans about the mess , says they’ve not a clue where to start……) Make him write a list. Monday you will …….. Tuesday you will…….
Or he gets a full time job and you employ a nanny/housekeeper.
Or you kick him out and have a better life without this extra child.

Diaria · 08/12/2023 14:13

Get a cleaner, do the food shop online yourself, do batch cooking.

Tell lazy arse to go back to full time work and put the little one in nursery.

Winter2020 · 08/12/2023 14:13

Tell him to get a full time job and your youngest can go to nursery and you can get a cleaner.

Yes this will use most of his wages but it sounds like your youngest will be better off and have a much more fulfilling day and your house will be cleaner. Even if all your husbands wages go on childcare and cleaning you will have a clean house and the children their needs met which he isn't doing.

Get into the groove of online shopping if you don't already do it. My shopping is often delivered between 9-10pm and someone has picked and delivered up to 200 items for £3. All we have to do it put it away. Have a routine of ordering a few days before the delivery day you want as there aren't always slots the next day.

You shouldn't have to work full time and do everything while your husband dosses around and neglects his kids.

Reindeering · 08/12/2023 14:16

I’m just surprised you haven’t been driven to rage and violent fantasies, he’s really taking the piss.

Yalta · 08/12/2023 14:19

The issue is he thinks of himself as one of your children and as a child he doesn’t want to act like a parent.

I know being the SAHP would mean that the courts would normally award him full custody but that would involve looking after the children. Something that he isn’t prepared to do.

If he is handing baby to older dc in the afternoon what exactly is he doing if he isn’t even cooking dinner or tidying up.

If he is going to be petty about picking up after everyone then don’t cook for him, don’t do anything for him.

If he isn’t prepared to act like an adult and a parent and wants to be treated like a child then he needs to leave home so he can do a bit of growing up

What would happen if you didn’t cook dinner and there was no money for takeaways? Would he just sit there waiting for his dinner to appear

Whalewatchers · 08/12/2023 14:26

Definitely a firm case of LTB... His attitude and behaviour is hideously unattractive.

Yalta · 08/12/2023 14:26

*Sickofthislife · Today 09:04

I have suggested a cleaner and he said that it’s embarrassing having someone come in and see our mess*

Only embarrassing to him

Haydenn · 08/12/2023 14:27

Sounds like your minds made up OP. Good luck get a free hour with a family solicitor so you can make sure you are lining up everything you need

Heatherbell1978 · 08/12/2023 14:32

Leave him. He's useless. And a misogynist. He's at home during the day while you're the main breadwinner so he needs to pull his weight. Take your high, well deserved, salary and set up yourself. Let him manage in his part time salary himself. I wonder how he'd react if you gave him an ultimatum. Does he realise how good he's got it?

Nanny0gg · 08/12/2023 14:34

Sickofthislife · 08/12/2023 09:04

I have suggested a cleaner and he said that it’s embarrassing having someone come in and see our mess.

What he means is, it would be embarrassing for the cleaner to see him sitting on his arse

Seriously, you are being disrespected and taken for a mug. Who the fuck does he think he is?

Get your ducks in a row and make an appt with a SHL in the new year

(But if you can, try and up your dealings with the DC and don't leave them to him. You don't want him shown as primary carer)

Nanny0gg · 08/12/2023 14:37

What's the housing situation btw?

Do you own/rent? Whose names are on the paperwork? Who pays?

Verv · 08/12/2023 14:37

Quit the husband keep the job.

Original poster
Sickofthislife · 08/12/2023 14:38

Thanks all really appreciate all the helpful advice I don’t have many people to talk to about him apart from my mum so it’s helpful.

I have just called a nursery for DS which is round the corner as I think that has also made me realise that he is being neglected in a sense and that has broke my heart. Even if he goes 2 days a week.

OP posts:
EmmaEmerald · 08/12/2023 14:38

Sickofthislife · 08/12/2023 09:16

Baby naps for a good 2-3 hours a day and he only bungs baby in front of the tv anyway. Whilst he curls up on the sofa.

The more I type my situation out on here the more I think what the hell am I doing.

Yes
and the longer you stay, the more you have to pay in divorce.

get rid sooner rather than later.

IncompleteSenten · 08/12/2023 14:41

Sickofthislife · 08/12/2023 09:05

I always say to him why are you coming to tell me for? And he always said you should be doing it on the evening it’s just embarrassing imagine if my mum and dad came over and seen this now.

Show quote history

You know what you should say to that little gem?

Yeah? Then you should be working full time and paying the bills but instead I'm the one doing that. So I've got to bring in the money and take care of the house while you do what, exactly?

Seriously. He's taking the piss

Original poster
Sickofthislife · 08/12/2023 14:42

@Nanny0gg we rent but he can’t afford this house on his own so he would be crippled tenancy ends in March also so that’s a perfect time for us both to walk away.

I am in the position to buy so hopefully if things go well and I pass my probationary that’s in the plan.

OP posts:
theleafandnotthetree · 08/12/2023 14:44

Sickofthislife · 08/12/2023 14:38

Thanks all really appreciate all the helpful advice I don’t have many people to talk to about him apart from my mum so it’s helpful.

I have just called a nursery for DS which is round the corner as I think that has also made me realise that he is being neglected in a sense and that has broke my heart. Even if he goes 2 days a week.

If you don't make changes for yourself - and you absolutely should- then you should do so for your lovely baby. I am actually pretty horrified by his lack of thought and care, frankly it seems like he has zero interest in his children's welfare unless they are doing some man-child activity alongside him (TV, gaming). That your other children come in from school and engage with the little one is both very lovely of them but also quite sad to think of in terms of the lack of effort from the child's father. He is a disgrace.

Reindeering · 08/12/2023 14:50

Sickofthislife · 08/12/2023 14:42

@Nanny0gg we rent but he can’t afford this house on his own so he would be crippled tenancy ends in March also so that’s a perfect time for us both to walk away.

I am in the position to buy so hopefully if things go well and I pass my probationary that’s in the plan.

Extremely well done! So proud of you. I think we are prouder of you than he is!

Just remember, it wasn’t your fault he is like this, he is solely responsible, and he is solely responsible for the breakup.

It’s okay to love and trust and take care of your family, he just wasn’t on the same page and has a problem with what is right and decent to do as a family man.

This has only given you the benefit of strengthening your boundaries for the future, and an ability to recognise and give short shrift to red flags.

He sounds spoilt and rather stupid as well as cruel, driving you to breaking point. He will have a much needed rude awakening.

Please vet future partners carefully for strength of character and family values. Take your time doing this.