Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed with DM about her Christmas fund?

295 replies

PurpleSky300 · 07/12/2023 16:09

My Mum (60) works part-time and sometimes struggles for money at Christmas.

We have Christmas with extended family and pool together so we’re never short of anything, but she would like to have a bit more personal spending money and stuff to buy nice presents. Anyway, as a result - 3 of my family agreed last year that we would pay monthly amounts into a Christmas fund for her and by the start of December, we’d got about £800. I transferred it over and within a week, she’s spent about £500 and hardly any of that is on presents. It’s all gone on normal things like groceries, petrol, cat food and now she won’t have enough left for Christmas itself and it feels like we’re back at square one.

I know I probably shouldn’t be annoyed. She said, “When you haven’t got much money, the necessities have to come before luxuries” etc and that’s true. And she said she could top up her spending money from her wages in December anyway. To me that’s not really the point, though? This money was ‘ringfenced’ for Xmas, that was the whole point of it. So that she would be able to go out and do more things, go on nights out, buy treats and enjoy the festivities. I feel annoyed that it’s gone on mundane daily stuff and part of me begrudges doing it again next year. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
SalviaDivinorum · 07/12/2023 16:13

Totally unreasonable.

It sounds like the money was really needed. I'd be very happy to know it had been spent on things that were actually needed rather than spent on expensive fancy food for one day of the year whilst the cat goes hungry and she can't afford to run the car to the supermarket.

fishonabicycle · 07/12/2023 16:14

Well, obviously if she has no money of course she would spend it on essentials. Should she not eat from now til Christmas so she can buy tinsel?

KrisAkabusi · 07/12/2023 16:14

Your mother spent money on food instead of anything else? Would you prefer to have her go hungry?

Ffsmakeitstop · 07/12/2023 16:16

I think you are really if she's had to use it for basics. Has she wasted it on Frivolous things or necessities?
Maybe your family could help her to a lesser extent all year.

DonnaYouAreAStar · 07/12/2023 16:19

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

ExcitingRicotta · 07/12/2023 16:22

Did she spend it on basics because she had no other funds or because she didn’t really care or wasn’t invested in the reason you’d funded the pot for her?

EdinGirl · 07/12/2023 16:22

I can see why you are frustrated. It's disappointing when you do something nice and it isn't received/used how you intended.

You probably were looking forward to seeing her joy in doing lovely things.

Unfortunately none of us could have predicted COL crisis.

I think you have to decide what you feel comfortable with for next year, but I would let this year go and not ruin Christmas over it.

Ragruggers · 07/12/2023 16:25

Maybe youcould look at her outgoings and see if she is really short of money and help her budget.Would she let you do this? Can she work more hours ?Living alone is expensive.Christmas is 1 day surely better to have more all the year round.Does she really need lots of treats at Christmas.I would rather have my bills paid and food in the cupboard.

2jacqi · 07/12/2023 16:26

@PurpleSky300 if she is skint, then she is skint and needed the money for bills and everyday living. everyone is struggling at the moment, why not just say to her not to buy present?

telestrations · 07/12/2023 16:27

Unless there is more to this you are annoyed that your mother is poor.

She is of a generation that did not except to be working, let alone working and struggling at 60. That use to be the retirement age for women. She will continue to work and struggle unless her family steps in and tops her income up for her which is what many adult children do. I do and am just happy that I am able to.

Again unless there is more to it perhaps you should consider topping up by a regular amount each month

Quite frankly I can't imagine leaving my parents without food, petrol or pet food

TheVelvetSide · 07/12/2023 16:30

This is so very unreasonable that it simply has to be a reverse?

ItsMyPartyParty · 07/12/2023 16:31

So what should she have done, not eaten between now and Christmas?

I think it sounds like you need to be more realistic about just how difficult your mum’s financial situation is.

Luxell934 · 07/12/2023 16:32

I don't really understand what the money was for? You say it was for personal spending money but also to buy presents? Presents for whom exactly? Herself or other people?

IncompleteSenten · 07/12/2023 16:34

If you don't want her to spend the money on essentials then maybe don't give her cash next year? Ask her to tell you what she wants you to buy and then have it sent to her.

Tbh though, if she's struggling to pay for the basics then I'm not sure how much joy she'd get from a night out or a tin of roses or being able to hand someone a gift from money they gave her in the first place.

Maybe help her go through her finances and plan a budget.

LimeCheesecake · 07/12/2023 16:35

I read it that the Christmas fund was to buy the food, decorations, Christmas trips out etc for the joint Christmas you are all having together, with a bit extra for your mum to spend on gifts, but your mum hasn’t done that, she’s used it on her normal expenses for December, is that the issue?

if not, what did you think the fund was for?

MilkChocolateCookie · 07/12/2023 16:35

If she had frittered it away on not very much then you'd be right to be angry. But as she's spent it on genuine necessities like food and petrol, YABU.

TravellingSpoon · 07/12/2023 16:37

So you wanted he rto starve so she could go on nights out and join the festivities?

You sound like you dont understand she is living month to month.

sleepymama3 · 07/12/2023 16:38

Once you gift money, it's no longer yours to spend. She must be really struggling if she needed this fund to buy the basics.

catherinewales · 07/12/2023 16:40

I think you'd have a point if it was spent on things that wasn't needed but she's spent it on food and essentials. To know someone is struggling so much money wise I think you need to look at how she's budgeting and if she's struggling month to month would it be worth helping her rather then just give money at Christmas.

CaptainMyCaptain · 07/12/2023 16:41

YABU it sounds like she needed the money. Of course she would buy basics rather than luxuries.

Daisymay2 · 07/12/2023 16:41

You are being very unreasonable. She has spent it on essentials not luxuries.
My parents had a very hard time during the 1990 recession. DB and I paid a DD into their gas and electricity bills through the year for a couple of years, until they were back on thier feet.. Did not want to think about them being cold and struggling during the year. Could not have cared less about presents.

tattygrl · 07/12/2023 16:42

I'm finding it a bit difficult to get my head round this.

Is your mum normally ok for money? Can she normally fund herself a comfortable life and not have to struggle for necessities?

It seems like this was money set aside for her so she could participate in the joint festivities more easily, as opposed to her being in such dire straits that she can't afford the basics of life... I agree with others here that it's not right to begrudge your mum the essentials, but it seems like that's not what the money was for, it was for Christmas. Is it that you weren't aware of how much she is struggling financially until now, when she's spent the Christmas money on essentials?

KCSIE · 07/12/2023 16:43

You know YABU.

Your poor mum.

ScroogeMcDuckling · 07/12/2023 16:43

I’m understanding this from both sides.

your mum has spent the money on essentials

three members of your family put £1 a day each in a jar so she could treat members of the family to presents.

Perhaps your mum has some money coming soon and she is using that, perhaps she has already bought presents and not telling you.

i wonder if you will be still as cross/confused after the festivities

idontlikealdi · 07/12/2023 16:44

£500 on essentials in a week is pretty good going...

I'm confused though, are you sending her money to buy nice presents for the rest of the family?

Swipe left for the next trending thread