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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed with DM about her Christmas fund?

295 replies

PurpleSky300 · 07/12/2023 16:09

My Mum (60) works part-time and sometimes struggles for money at Christmas.

We have Christmas with extended family and pool together so we’re never short of anything, but she would like to have a bit more personal spending money and stuff to buy nice presents. Anyway, as a result - 3 of my family agreed last year that we would pay monthly amounts into a Christmas fund for her and by the start of December, we’d got about £800. I transferred it over and within a week, she’s spent about £500 and hardly any of that is on presents. It’s all gone on normal things like groceries, petrol, cat food and now she won’t have enough left for Christmas itself and it feels like we’re back at square one.

I know I probably shouldn’t be annoyed. She said, “When you haven’t got much money, the necessities have to come before luxuries” etc and that’s true. And she said she could top up her spending money from her wages in December anyway. To me that’s not really the point, though? This money was ‘ringfenced’ for Xmas, that was the whole point of it. So that she would be able to go out and do more things, go on nights out, buy treats and enjoy the festivities. I feel annoyed that it’s gone on mundane daily stuff and part of me begrudges doing it again next year. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Palava57 · 07/12/2023 16:44

telestrations I am older than the OPs mum & never expected to not be working past 60! That was the cohort who are around 70 now…

Having said that, I think it is very reasonable that people who are usually short of money use eg a windfall to secure basic necessities first before spending on non-essentials. Thus she is probably expecting to be able to spend more of her December pay on fun stuff & it will all be fine 😊

titchy · 07/12/2023 16:44

She is of a generation that did not except to be working, let alone working and struggling at 60.

Wtf? I'm almost her age and have worked FT since I finished uni - and not planning on retiring yet either. She's 60 not 90. Hmm

AllRoadsLeadHome · 07/12/2023 16:45

What would she have done without this money?

BornIn78 · 07/12/2023 16:47

Something isn’t adding up here.

A single woman doesn’t spend £500 in one week on groceries, cat food and fuel.

SylvieLaufeydottir · 07/12/2023 16:49

You're "annoyed" that your mum is so poor she needs help paying for petrol and cat food?

Namechange4234 · 07/12/2023 16:49

telestrations · 07/12/2023 16:27

Unless there is more to this you are annoyed that your mother is poor.

She is of a generation that did not except to be working, let alone working and struggling at 60. That use to be the retirement age for women. She will continue to work and struggle unless her family steps in and tops her income up for her which is what many adult children do. I do and am just happy that I am able to.

Again unless there is more to it perhaps you should consider topping up by a regular amount each month

Quite frankly I can't imagine leaving my parents without food, petrol or pet food

Edited

What the fuck? I am this woman's age. I work full time and will for at least the next 7 years. I always expected to do this

If this woman needs more money, I suggest she works more hours rather than taking money from family. She's 60. That's NOT elderly

Jesus!

Gnomegnomegnome · 07/12/2023 16:51

Yanbu she should starve

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 07/12/2023 16:54

BornIn78 · 07/12/2023 16:47

Something isn’t adding up here.

A single woman doesn’t spend £500 in one week on groceries, cat food and fuel.

I imagine she paid for an energy bill too. Or if she's already done some bits and pieces of Christmas shopping, she's cleared her credit card.

Either way this is a shameful post by the OP. This reads as we saved all year to give mum money so she could buy us nice presents for a change and join in the Christmas activities. Instead she's eating. What a cow.

User13579367337 · 07/12/2023 16:55

From the sounds of things the ops mum was managing fine through the year, just couldn’t really afford Xmas. I would be questioning a bit what the money has gone on as everyone has clubbed together to raise nearly a grand for Xmas expenses which has gone on bills she was already paying. Obviously if the ops mum was destitute and starving then that would be a different scenario. But it does seem that people have gone through a lot of trouble for nothing really

WhatNoRaisins · 07/12/2023 16:55

Would it be better to scale back on things like presents? It's got to be better than having resentment over how your DM manages her money.

MargaretThursday · 07/12/2023 16:59

Is it that she's not been able to pay for these things before, or is it that she's used this money to pay for essentials because she's spent the rest of her money on things she didn't need because she knew she could use this money for things she needed?

I had a friend who was hopeless with money. She'd come round and ask to borrow £20 until payday to get one of the kids new shoes. 9 times out of 10 she'd be back round the next day asking for another £20 because something like when she'd got home they'd felt a bit low so she'd ordered pizza to be delivered to cheer them up.
It was very frustrating to watch because firstly then she owed £40 so the next month she'd struggle more, and need to borrow earlier in the month. And also we didn't have much money; we'd never have got takeaway pizza or similar because we couldn't afford it.

LardyCakeAgain · 07/12/2023 17:01

I don't quite understand your OP. Was the money meant to be used for?:

  • presents for other people, from your DM (e.g. from granny to your grandchildren)
  • attending events with you all as a family
  • for DM to spend on herself as she sees fit, eg getting her nails done, nice Christmas food for herself, etc?

If it's the third one you need to reframe this - her present from your donations is to live in a warm, (hopefully) safe home, with no worries that month about having enough to eat or fuel her car. Maybe it's gone on debts from earlier in the year - in that case it's kept the bailiffs from the door for a while, which is the gift of peace of mind.

Hopefully she has followed the advice she would be given on here - pay your bills and your debts instead of buying tat she might not use. If she's an alcoholic or just spent it on bingo, I'd understand your frustration.

housethatbuiltme · 07/12/2023 17:01

I would seriously struggle to spend £500 in ONE week on groceries, petrol and cat food.

£500 is my monthly rent.

I'm as confused as other to what the money is though? was it a 'gift' for her or was it to fund the family Christmas (dinner, presents, decorations, ice skating, panto etc...)

If its the latter and she has blown 5/8ths of it on standard food, cat food and petrol then YABU because it wasn't 'a gift' for her to waste it was a communal pot.

If its for gifts she has to buy everyone else though then did you clarify you where expecting her to buy the gifts with money you gave? that sounds like outsourcing your chore, buying gifts isn't inherently 'mam' work.

If it was a gift FOR her... then she can spend it on anything. I HATE being given money because people get pissy when they hear you 'just' put £20 of petrol in instead of buying jewellery or something but if they wanted me to have jewellery THEY should have bought jewellery instead of lazily passing that job onto me.

cestlavielife · 07/12/2023 17:01

Wait
You saved money to give to her
To buy presents for other people ? So she could buy you a present?
That is nuts
You gave her the money
She spends as she wishes
If that is buses and food for her so be it

mrsbyers · 07/12/2023 17:03

were you hoping she would spend it on gifts for you all that have contributed ?

Don’t give to receive

ManateeFair · 07/12/2023 17:03

This money was ‘ringfenced’ for Xmas, that was the whole point of it. So that she would be able to go out and do more things, go on nights out, buy treats and enjoy the festivities

But being able to 'enjoy the festivities' isn't going to happen if she isn't able to afford necessities. Do you expect her to stop putting petrol in her car and feeding her cat in favour of treats and nights out?

momonpurpose · 07/12/2023 17:03

fishonabicycle · 07/12/2023 16:14

Well, obviously if she has no money of course she would spend it on essentials. Should she not eat from now til Christmas so she can buy tinsel?

I'd rather my mom could pay essentials. Christmas spirit isn't all gifts and decorations

BornIn78 · 07/12/2023 17:04

If the mum would like to have more personal spending money (wouldn’t we all?) and be able to buy nice presents, and is struggling to buy cat food and groceries, the obvious answer is to increase her hours at work.

People on here talking like’s she’s an elderly lady, she’s 60 ffs.

newwings · 07/12/2023 17:05

AllRoadsLeadHome · 07/12/2023 16:45

What would she have done without this money?

That's what I'm wondering?

Fraudornot · 07/12/2023 17:05

Why is she only working part time?

Jztbrzzsy · 07/12/2023 17:05

To quote you directly: "she would like to have a bit more personal spending money and stuff to buy nice presents."

She has used some for personal spends, and there is some left for presents. And you're annoyed she hasn't spent the amount you had in your head on presents...for you all I assume?

Either give her the money to use as she likes or don't. I think it's wrong to give someone money and then be making demands on how they spend it.

lovescats3 · 07/12/2023 17:05

She's short of money for the basics

KombuchaKalling · 07/12/2023 17:05

If she can’t afford to work part time, then she needs to work full time. She has to cut her cloth accordingly and save through the year for Christmas. Rather than expecting people to bail her out

KombuchaKalling · 07/12/2023 17:06

BornIn78 · 07/12/2023 17:04

If the mum would like to have more personal spending money (wouldn’t we all?) and be able to buy nice presents, and is struggling to buy cat food and groceries, the obvious answer is to increase her hours at work.

People on here talking like’s she’s an elderly lady, she’s 60 ffs.

I know right! At her age l will most likely have the best part of a decade left to work

LardyCakeAgain · 07/12/2023 17:09

"If they wanted me to have jewellery THEY should have bought jewellery instead of lazily passing that job onto me"

OMG this! My family drive me & DH crazy with this, we just receive a bank transfer at a random point in December so we can buy (and wrap) gifts for each other "from" my DPs. Very lazy.