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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed with DM about her Christmas fund?

295 replies

PurpleSky300 · 07/12/2023 16:09

My Mum (60) works part-time and sometimes struggles for money at Christmas.

We have Christmas with extended family and pool together so we’re never short of anything, but she would like to have a bit more personal spending money and stuff to buy nice presents. Anyway, as a result - 3 of my family agreed last year that we would pay monthly amounts into a Christmas fund for her and by the start of December, we’d got about £800. I transferred it over and within a week, she’s spent about £500 and hardly any of that is on presents. It’s all gone on normal things like groceries, petrol, cat food and now she won’t have enough left for Christmas itself and it feels like we’re back at square one.

I know I probably shouldn’t be annoyed. She said, “When you haven’t got much money, the necessities have to come before luxuries” etc and that’s true. And she said she could top up her spending money from her wages in December anyway. To me that’s not really the point, though? This money was ‘ringfenced’ for Xmas, that was the whole point of it. So that she would be able to go out and do more things, go on nights out, buy treats and enjoy the festivities. I feel annoyed that it’s gone on mundane daily stuff and part of me begrudges doing it again next year. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Nightmanagerfan · 07/12/2023 17:09

Your reaction tells me you have never really been poor or struggled for money

Heronwatcher · 07/12/2023 17:09

She sounds like she’s really struggling. But I sort of don’t know what you were expecting, that she’s going to be buying fortnum and mason chocolates and a toddler sized turkey for Christmas but letting the cat starve to death and not run the car until December? It sounds like it might be a bit unrealistic for her to spend £800 on Christmas anyway if she can’t afford the basics.

tobedtoMN · 07/12/2023 17:09

I think the replies are quite one sided. I understand your frustration. You & your family meant well but it has not worked out as you intended, I can understand why you feel this is a little ungrateful maybe?
I personally would not repeat the experiment next year.
You could all of course contribute throughout the year? However it is not your job to support her.

Original poster
PurpleSky300 · 07/12/2023 17:10

The amount of people who seem to think that I'm leaving my poor Mum starving or something is absolutely absurd. Talk about jumping to conclusions.

I contribute heavily towards my Mum's groceries and petrol costs every week, all year round. Her partner pays the bills, pays her car insurance, pays for holidays, and all other domestic costs. Her DB sorts out repairs and most DIY things if they ever need help in the house. They have no mortgage. She's not well off, of course, but not in dire straits either. She is probably like a lot of people in that she isn't desperate day-to-day but she struggles to budget and save, and that's why we put this fund together in the first place.

People saying I ought to be 'kinder' have no idea. She has an entire network of people who would do anything for her. Have you been gifted nearly 1k recently? God.

OP posts:
EmmaEmerald · 07/12/2023 17:10

I'm confused

How would she have paid those bills if she didn't have access to that money?

Lovemusic82 · 07/12/2023 17:11

Why not just tell her she doesn’t have to buy anyone gifts for Christmas? She obviously can’t afford it for whatever reason so just take the pressure off her?

Whats the point of saving money for her in order for her to get gifts for the people that have been putting the money back for her? Are gifts that important?

EmmaEmerald · 07/12/2023 17:11

Oh cross post

so how is she short of money usually? She's spending it somewhere.

TeaKitten · 07/12/2023 17:12

PurpleSky300 · 07/12/2023 17:10

The amount of people who seem to think that I'm leaving my poor Mum starving or something is absolutely absurd. Talk about jumping to conclusions.

I contribute heavily towards my Mum's groceries and petrol costs every week, all year round. Her partner pays the bills, pays her car insurance, pays for holidays, and all other domestic costs. Her DB sorts out repairs and most DIY things if they ever need help in the house. They have no mortgage. She's not well off, of course, but not in dire straits either. She is probably like a lot of people in that she isn't desperate day-to-day but she struggles to budget and save, and that's why we put this fund together in the first place.

People saying I ought to be 'kinder' have no idea. She has an entire network of people who would do anything for her. Have you been gifted nearly 1k recently? God.

So what exactly was the money for? Surely if it was for presents then she wouldn’t have needed £800. You gifted her this money, it’s hers to spend on what she wants. Bonkers of you all to be funding her like she’s a student though.

FrenchandSaunders · 07/12/2023 17:12

Why is she only part time at 60 if she's skint .... most people are still working full time at that age, health issues aside.

Glowygoose · 07/12/2023 17:13

I actually agree with you OP and feel there is probably more to this than meets the eye.

She probably knew this money was coming to ear marked it for things you didn’t plan for it.

If this money never came, what would she have done? Starved? Lived in a tent? She probably would’ve done as she always did and been okay.

Original poster
PurpleSky300 · 07/12/2023 17:14

EmmaEmerald · 07/12/2023 17:10

I'm confused

How would she have paid those bills if she didn't have access to that money?

With her salary, usually. Which isn't much and that's why we top it up etc, of course. It is hard to save on top of a part time salary, I understand that. But like I said, she already has a lot of help. More than many people would have if their jobs fell through or their circumstances changed.

OP posts:
Tinkerbyebye · 07/12/2023 17:16

YABVU. She needs to live now, not spend a shedload on Christmas

Soontobe60 · 07/12/2023 17:16

Is there a reason why she doesn’t work full time? Also, does she live with her DP?

TeaKitten · 07/12/2023 17:16

PurpleSky300 · 07/12/2023 17:14

With her salary, usually. Which isn't much and that's why we top it up etc, of course. It is hard to save on top of a part time salary, I understand that. But like I said, she already has a lot of help. More than many people would have if their jobs fell through or their circumstances changed.

Show quote history

So why are you helping her so much?

ApocalypseNowt · 07/12/2023 17:17

So if she's paid her expenses out of the Christmas pot, doesn't she have all her wages for the fun stuff? So the effect is the same?

I am confused

LardyCakeAgain · 07/12/2023 17:18

PurpleSky300 · 07/12/2023 17:10

The amount of people who seem to think that I'm leaving my poor Mum starving or something is absolutely absurd. Talk about jumping to conclusions.

I contribute heavily towards my Mum's groceries and petrol costs every week, all year round. Her partner pays the bills, pays her car insurance, pays for holidays, and all other domestic costs. Her DB sorts out repairs and most DIY things if they ever need help in the house. They have no mortgage. She's not well off, of course, but not in dire straits either. She is probably like a lot of people in that she isn't desperate day-to-day but she struggles to budget and save, and that's why we put this fund together in the first place.

People saying I ought to be 'kinder' have no idea. She has an entire network of people who would do anything for her. Have you been gifted nearly 1k recently? God.

I can see your frustration, but if she's got this many people digging her out of a financial hole all year round, she's not going to change her behaviour and become more responsible just because it's Christmas.

Some people just can't manage money, either through lack of intelligence / financial education, neglect, addiction, or illness. As soon as it comes in, it is spent, with no thought to the consequences.

I know it's an additional mental load, but if you want your mum to be involved at Christmas, you may need to just pay for things directly in future.

Whatevershallidowithmylife · 07/12/2023 17:19

Does she claim any benefits or is she entitled to claim any benefits. I think you need you help her budget, there's something far wrong somewhere with her finances.

dreamingofsun · 07/12/2023 17:19

I'm finding these comments about a 60 year old only working PT very annoying. Unless she is ill she should increase her hours. 60 isnt old.

x2boys · 07/12/2023 17:19

telestrations · 07/12/2023 16:27

Unless there is more to this you are annoyed that your mother is poor.

She is of a generation that did not except to be working, let alone working and struggling at 60. That use to be the retirement age for women. She will continue to work and struggle unless her family steps in and tops her income up for her which is what many adult children do. I do and am just happy that I am able to.

Again unless there is more to it perhaps you should consider topping up by a regular amount each month

Quite frankly I can't imagine leaving my parents without food, petrol or pet food

Edited

She's 60 of course women of 60 expected to be working she's onl 10 years older than me !that means she was born in 1963🙄

LimeCheesecake · 07/12/2023 17:20

Can you confirm OP - what was she supposed to spend the money on? What was it for?

did she want to do those things? If she didn’t need to use this money for that, why did she?

Whatevershallidowithmylife · 07/12/2023 17:22

x2boys · 07/12/2023 17:19

She's 60 of course women of 60 expected to be working she's onl 10 years older than me !that means she was born in 1963🙄

Show quote history

Not quite 60 yet but my sister is and she's always expected to work to 65. At 58 she is still full-time.

Gingertam · 07/12/2023 17:23

I think you're getting a really hard time on here. I'm close to 60 and still working full time as are lots of people I know. I wouldn't dream of dropping to part time and expecting my children to sub me. She's got a partner too!

QuietBear · 07/12/2023 17:23

You pissed off that your mother bought food rather than Christmas presents? That's a very odd response.

I'd be more concerned that she's obviously not coping.

LardyCakeAgain · 07/12/2023 17:23

telestrations · 07/12/2023 16:27

Unless there is more to this you are annoyed that your mother is poor.

She is of a generation that did not except to be working, let alone working and struggling at 60. That use to be the retirement age for women. She will continue to work and struggle unless her family steps in and tops her income up for her which is what many adult children do. I do and am just happy that I am able to.

Again unless there is more to it perhaps you should consider topping up by a regular amount each month

Quite frankly I can't imagine leaving my parents without food, petrol or pet food

Edited

I know what you mean with this - I argue with my female relatives in their 50s and 60s about this, who somehow got it into their heads that they shouldn't have to work past 60 (and therefore gave up work in their fifties and wonder why they're skint).

ChanelNo19EDT · 07/12/2023 17:23

I'd let it go. Encourage her to underspend on christmas presents, a paper back and a bar of chocolate. Don't try to impress.

is she hosting christmas?