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Original poster

To be annoyed with DM about her Christmas fund?

295 replies

PurpleSky300 · 07/12/2023 16:09

My Mum (60) works part-time and sometimes struggles for money at Christmas.

We have Christmas with extended family and pool together so we’re never short of anything, but she would like to have a bit more personal spending money and stuff to buy nice presents. Anyway, as a result - 3 of my family agreed last year that we would pay monthly amounts into a Christmas fund for her and by the start of December, we’d got about £800. I transferred it over and within a week, she’s spent about £500 and hardly any of that is on presents. It’s all gone on normal things like groceries, petrol, cat food and now she won’t have enough left for Christmas itself and it feels like we’re back at square one.

I know I probably shouldn’t be annoyed. She said, “When you haven’t got much money, the necessities have to come before luxuries” etc and that’s true. And she said she could top up her spending money from her wages in December anyway. To me that’s not really the point, though? This money was ‘ringfenced’ for Xmas, that was the whole point of it. So that she would be able to go out and do more things, go on nights out, buy treats and enjoy the festivities. I feel annoyed that it’s gone on mundane daily stuff and part of me begrudges doing it again next year. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
SALWARP2023 · 07/12/2023 17:57

Why does she only work part time? 7 years before her state pension so its likely you will be contributing yearly for a long time.

Redmat · 07/12/2023 17:57

I don't understand why you are supporting her at all. At 64 I'm still working full time as are many others. She's not 80!

BrimfulOfMash · 07/12/2023 17:58

Unless there are health issues it is surely completely normal for 60 yos to work f/t. I certainly was and felt no loss of energy etc.

Fine if you can afford, at any age, to give up work but I would be mortified if my Dc were feeling the need to subsidise me if I was well enough to work.

Twiglets1 · 07/12/2023 17:58

Redebs · 07/12/2023 17:39

A lot of older people are 'long term sick' nowadays.

Just because they are expected to work til the end and die in the traces, doesn't mean they have to.

I've lost a few friends in their late 50s and early 60s recently and It really makes you question retirement expectations.

Show quote history

I agree, we are 57 and 62 and are seeing friends develop health issues more & more now. Im not prepared to work full time again because I do things for my health on my days off and I’ve realised how important that is. Though I’m lucky we can afford for me to only work part time.

It is depressing and I agree people in their 60s are more likely to go off long term sick if they can’t afford to stop working full time but can’t really cope with the physical/mental demands either.

God knows what will happen with younger generations expected to work later & later before retirement. It’s awful that they keep raising the retirement age.

hopeishere · 07/12/2023 17:59

PurpleSky300 · 07/12/2023 17:31

Just for Christmas in general. Going out, eating out, buying stuff from John Lewis or Fortnum and Mason's or buying a barrel of wine for Boxing Day, it didn't really matter. She has always wanted to buy a nice present for her SIL because her SIL buys her expensive jewellery that we have never been able to 'match'. She likes perfume. I just wanted her to be able to enjoy things without endlessly thinking what it costs.

A barrel of wine??

Was it money for her to solely to do nice things or was it for joint nice things? And now you all need to find money to do the joint nice things?

Some it sounds like she needs to cut her cloth. Stop buying for her SIL if it puts her under pressure to buy more. Not go to JL or F&M for stuff!

Is she crap at budgeting?

Andthereyougo · 07/12/2023 17:59

sleepymama3 · 07/12/2023 16:38

Once you gift money, it's no longer yours to spend. She must be really struggling if she needed this fund to buy the basics.

This.

Treeinthesky · 07/12/2023 17:59

To be honest I see this as you wanted yourself to have a nice gift and not a niven set for example. Xmas is not about presents it's family. If you get a nivea set amd your partner a lynx set does it really matter.

BananaPyjamaLlama · 07/12/2023 18:01

If she spent it on essentials.......... I dont see the problem. Shes right, essentials are more important than luxuries.

Possibly her definition of essentials needs refining?
Or work more hours so shes got more money to spare?
But £800 is a lot on Christmas presents, particularly for someone on a low wage. Christmas need not be expensive and can be just as fun without spending loads.

IMustDoMoreExercise · 07/12/2023 18:02

KrisAkabusi · 07/12/2023 16:14

Your mother spent money on food instead of anything else? Would you prefer to have her go hungry?

Agree with this.

You are being totally unreasonable if she is struggling so much.

Peablockfeathers · 07/12/2023 18:03

Maybe for her it is enjoying the money although it sounds mundane that sounds like it was one of your goals- just not what you thought she'd do? Is she spending the remaining £300 on presents? To be honest giving anyone cash and assuming or expecting them to spend it on specific things rarely ends well; it is very thoughtful of you though and a lovely gesture. I'd perhaps next year offer to take her shopping if you still want to contribute without giving cash that she'll probably spend elsewhere?

IMustDoMoreExercise · 07/12/2023 18:03

Redmat · 07/12/2023 17:57

I don't understand why you are supporting her at all. At 64 I'm still working full time as are many others. She's not 80!

Because she is struggling. It is a nice thing to do if they can afford it.

dixeypeach · 07/12/2023 18:09

She spent it on essential stuff not crack cocaine! Yabvu

Undisclosedlocation · 07/12/2023 18:13

Depends why she is only working part time. Is she medically unfit to work more?

pollyglot · 07/12/2023 18:16

telestrations · Today 16:27

Unless there is more to this you are annoyed that your mother is poor.

She is of a generation that did not except to be working, let alone working and struggling at 60. That use to be the retirement age for women. She will continue to work and struggle unless her family steps in and tops her income up for her which is what many adult children do. I do and am just happy that I am able to.

Again unless there is more to it perhaps you should consider topping up by a regular amount each month

Quite frankly I can't imagine leaving my parents without food, petrol or pet food Edited

The woman is only 60! In no way is this a generational thing. Woman have been aware for decades that they would need to be working way longer than 60. From the sound of it, she has possibly never worked full-time to enable herself to save and build up a decent pension pot. Is she disabled? Is it not possible to find another part-time job or boost her hours, or be a little more proactive about supporting herself? I think you are perfectly within your rights to wonder about her attitude towards money.

SheWentWest · 07/12/2023 18:17

Sounds like you gave her a lovely Christmas gift. One month where she could go and get the things she needed, feel a little bit flush and not scrimp very last penny. I can almost imagine what a lovely feeling it would have been for her to fill the tanks of the car and get some essentials in.

bellsandwhistles333 · 07/12/2023 18:19

I can see why you are annoyed but also she hasn't oissed it up the wall.
Next time offer to do your mums monthly shop then that will free up for her money :)

ginasevern · 07/12/2023 18:19

A barrel of wine for Boxing Day? I'm coming to yours for Christmas. Seriously, if your DM spent the money on essentials then she is clearly struggling. I think you all need to sit down and find out what her needs are rather than worrying about goodies from Fortnum & Masons for Christmas. Besides, if she lives alone nights out etc aren't very exciting if you've got noone to share them with.

Lucyintheskywithadiamond · 07/12/2023 18:20

I don’t understand if her bills and livings costs are been paid for by other, what is she doing with her salary? Why are you supporting her financially? From what you have said I don’t think you are being unreasonable.

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 07/12/2023 18:20

PurpleSky300 · 07/12/2023 17:31

Just for Christmas in general. Going out, eating out, buying stuff from John Lewis or Fortnum and Mason's or buying a barrel of wine for Boxing Day, it didn't really matter. She has always wanted to buy a nice present for her SIL because her SIL buys her expensive jewellery that we have never been able to 'match'. She likes perfume. I just wanted her to be able to enjoy things without endlessly thinking what it costs.

You wanted to give her pocket money
this is really odd

Whatonearth07957 · 07/12/2023 18:28

I can understand your annoyance especially with the help she gets already and her complaining last year. If she hosts maybe do the same next year but be in charge of it and book directly Xmas deliveries so it gets to it's proper destination.

Ploctopus · 07/12/2023 18:32

It sounds like she’s really struggling if it went on groceries etc.

Does she really need £800 for Christmas? Could you try and pare it back a bit for her - fewer presents, someone else host or whatever?

MammaTo · 07/12/2023 18:38

So do you and other family members save up specifically to give it to your mum? Or do you save up individually (like a tontine).

In future it might be better for you to do the booking/paying of stuff on her behalf rather then giving her the cash.

catskittens · 07/12/2023 18:40

If only people were kinder to Arthur Fowler when he dipped into the Christmas fund😀

swimsong · 07/12/2023 18:43

PurpleSky300 · 07/12/2023 17:31

Just for Christmas in general. Going out, eating out, buying stuff from John Lewis or Fortnum and Mason's or buying a barrel of wine for Boxing Day, it didn't really matter. She has always wanted to buy a nice present for her SIL because her SIL buys her expensive jewellery that we have never been able to 'match'. She likes perfume. I just wanted her to be able to enjoy things without endlessly thinking what it costs.

Presumably a lot of what she's bought is non-perishable and will see her through December. Therefore she has freed up her Dnext wages to spend on Christmas - possibly spending the same amount or near enough what she would have done buying christmas things with the actual pounds that you put in her account early.

FallingStar21 · 07/12/2023 18:44

telestrations · 07/12/2023 16:27

Unless there is more to this you are annoyed that your mother is poor.

She is of a generation that did not except to be working, let alone working and struggling at 60. That use to be the retirement age for women. She will continue to work and struggle unless her family steps in and tops her income up for her which is what many adult children do. I do and am just happy that I am able to.

Again unless there is more to it perhaps you should consider topping up by a regular amount each month

Quite frankly I can't imagine leaving my parents without food, petrol or pet food

Edited

Or unless she gets a full time job. Why is she relying on family members to be funding her?
Even if the money was spent on Xmas, £800 is a lot. Obviously if you are very comfortable financially then no issues, but have you had to reduce your own budget in order to facilitate this?

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