To be annoyed with DM about her Christmas fund?

[PurpleSky300]

My Mum (60) works part-time and sometimes struggles for money at Christmas.

We have Christmas with extended family and pool together so we’re never short of anything, but she would like to have a bit more personal spending money and stuff to buy nice presents. Anyway, as a result - 3 of my family agreed last year that we would pay monthly amounts into a Christmas fund for her and by the start of December, we’d got about £800. I transferred it over and within a week, she’s spent about £500 and hardly any of that is on presents. It’s all gone on normal things like groceries, petrol, cat food and now she won’t have enough left for Christmas itself and it feels like we’re back at square one.

I know I probably shouldn’t be annoyed. She said, “When you haven’t got much money, the necessities have to come before luxuries” etc and that’s true. And she said she could top up her spending money from her wages in December anyway. To me that’s not really the point, though? This money was ‘ringfenced’ for Xmas, that was the whole point of it. So that she would be able to go out and do more things, go on nights out, buy treats and enjoy the festivities. I feel annoyed that it’s gone on mundane daily stuff and part of me begrudges doing it again next year. Am I being unreasonable?

I don't think YABU. You haven't said that she usually goes hungry, just that she struggles at Christmas. So you and your siblings kindly put a little bit away for her so that she didn't struggle at Christmas. Now she's spent most of it. Money goes quickly at the supermarket when you're bunging a treat here and a treat there in the trolley.

I wouldn't be happy and wouldn't put aside a little pot for her again. What I would do, is go through her finances with her to try and help her budget and perhaps advise her that an extra few hours a week work will help her out. She's only 60, unless she's I poor health, I'm not sure why she can't up her hours if she's struggling so much.

Oh crap, I am 60 and still work FT. I would like to go PT but only if I get enough pension paid to cover the rest of the week. I certainly would not be putting myself on the breadline. I'd still be working FT. DH and I am are supporting our kids, not the other way round FFS, one as they are saving for a house deposit, and the other two are students, one of them with zero funding.

What does she do every other month??? She really shat on your kindness. That money was essentially 'treat' money and it was very good of you to do that for her.

She doesn't need fucking Fortnum and Mason either! Was there last Saturday and it's only for the obscenely wealthy!

A lot of older people are 'long term sick' nowadays.

Just because they are expected to work til the end and die in the traces, doesn't mean they have to.

I've lost a few friends in their late 50s and early 60s recently and It really makes you question retirement expectations.

My mother was like this, had her pension, half her ex husband pension lived in lovely sheltered housing. I gave her £40 a week. Her ex husband my father would pay for anything she wanted. She only had to phone him and ask. To this day I have no idea what she did with all the money.

Next year @PurpleSky300 take her Christmas shopping or sit down with her and order online. Don't hand over the money.

I've changed my mind after your update. You should have said that you already help her financially then pp wouldn't have piled on.

It sounds like she needs help budgeting.

Sorry but I'd be furious if my DM did this.

Is she gambling? I know a few women of my age (pushing 60) who spend hundreds a month on lottery tickets and scratch cards.

Ridiculous and completely untrue.

I think if you want her to have a night out you should take her on a night out. Likewise if you want her to have luxuries from Fortnam and Mason, you should buy her that. I can't imagine being short of money to pay a bill or feed the cat and decide to have a splurge in John Lewis or a nice meal in a restaurant instead.

Surely she can do her Christmas shopping on the remaining £300 and now her December wages will go much further.

Well that's a cheery,thought given
I have just turned 50
However it doesn't sound like the Op,s mother is either ill or disabled so she has no option but to work

Anyway once you gave her the money why are you checking up on her spending? How do you know what she spent it on? Either you give freely and she does as she pleases or you don't give at all.

I think you were very generous to start this fund and I would be annoyed too that it has not been used for the purpose it was intended. If your DM is short of money then she needs to increase her work hours, and I say that as someone 3 years older than her. Its been known for decades that our generation will be retiring later than our parents did and there has been plenty of time to prepare. I would have said that its more usual for my generation to be helping their children not the other way round, by now mortgages are often paid, children have grown up and left home, most people I know my age are better off now than they ever have been.

I am confused, she is struggling so much this money got her out of a hole? On which case does she always have this short fall or has this built up and will relived alot of stress going forward?

Or she priorised essentials so that when she gets paid she will feel the benefit. Making late December and January better?

Either way, she is benefiting and that's a good thing.

What did you think she was going to spend the money on?

Surely all of us tail-end-of-the-boomer years/gen Xers expected to be working until our mid 60s at the very earliest?

A lot of us took time off or went part time in our 20s/30s when our children were small, so we need these extra years of full time work to plug the pension/saving holes.

Yes, there are those that plan to retire earlier but only if they've managed to save for it/have a wealthy (often much older) partner, or if it's for reasons of ill health.

It's been a long, long time since any woman expected to retire at 60. I can't imagine it - I wouldn't even have paid off my mortgage!

Why are you supporting your mum financially? Is she in very poor health? She's 60, not 80!

YANBU, she sounds like a bit of a sponger to me.

Can people stop pretending that 60yo’s are elderly. They’re really not. Dh is almost 59 and definitely won’t be retiring at 60, my parents still ran their own business well into their 70s and MIL retired at 65. It’s more common for 60yos to have a full time job, than not.

Your mother sounds like a freeloader to me. She is getting a lot of help from a lot of different people. If she wants to be able to buy expensive Christmas presents then she should be working more hours imo.

It sounds like your mum has never taken responsibility for her own outgoings and expenses, and now she's had this extra fund she's just thought to pay for things that would normally come out of her salary.

I don't blame you for being annoyed, and I judge those posters who seemingly think that because you've had the audacity to provide a Christmas fund that you shouldn't be irritated it's been spent on other things. Either she's not being truthful about her regular outgoings or she is and has just paid for some early and will top off the Xmas fund when she gets paid.

Ultimately you can't force her to spend money on Xmas stuff just because that's what you earmarked the money for, but I don't think it's unreasonable to be annoyed.

Your mother needs to grow the fuck up and start behaving like an adult; our children are not supposed to be buying food and petrol for us.

And can we also stop pretending office jobs are easy. Managing a team, keeping up to date with changes in legislation, and new technology. And stress is not easy. But many 60 year olds manage it.

It sounds like all you can do is be really realistic and only give money when you're not fussed about what it will go for and pay for things directly if you are.

I don't think you should have to fund her, I know that there can be cultural differences here but my DP would be absolutely mortified if their kids were financially supporting them. Would she be open to some financial education from a third party to help her with budgeting?

So her partner pays the bills. You contribute to weekly expense. Your brother helps on other ways.

Is she skint because she is just and with money? In which case, surely you knew she wouldn't do what you wanted her to do with the money.

Most working people would not struggle with a full time wage coming, if their bills are covered, no mortgage or rent, someone contributing to petrol and food and someone doing the upkeep to the house for free

Could it be that she doesn’t really struggle as much as she tells you, she just doesn’t really want to spend that sort of money on Christmas things but can’t say that to you all because it wouldn’t go down well?

I know a few people who might say they wished they could do x, y or z but can’t afford it who could really afford to but just don’t really agree with spending that sort of money on gifts or treats. The saying that they can’t afford it is really just to stop people trying to pressure them into doing so.

My mum often expressed shock at the cost of things and suggested cheaper alternatives and presents were always fairly low cost. It was a cultural thing for her, we’d grown up poor and she just found expensive things really wasteful and couldn’t bring herself to splash out on them even when she had the money, but didn’t like to say that to people’s face.

You and a few family members started a Christmas fund for your mum so she can buy herself nice things and days out etc at Christmas? Whilst that is a very generous thing to do from you all, why doesn’t she save up through the year herself like most people and if she is rubbish with money how does that become your problem? She works part time but you say her DP pays for bills, holidays and she has no mortgage so she should have her own spending money surely. If she’s given the £800 to use freely on whatever she wants then it is unreasonable to be annoyed at her but that said I wouldn’t be giving more money for extra days out or stuff, she would have to budget what she has, yes food is important obviously but a part time wage for the month with £800 bonus is more than plenty

I’m 100% behind you, OP. I’d be spitting nails. To be honest I think your mother has a pretty cushy life: everyone supporting her.

You could think of it differently - the extra money has given her a stress free Christmas, she doesn't need to be worried about bills etc this month.

I'd love it if someone paid my energy bill this month.

That being said, she sounds like she's just a bit crap with money.