To be annoyed with DM about her Christmas fund?

[PurpleSky300]

My Mum (60) works part-time and sometimes struggles for money at Christmas.

We have Christmas with extended family and pool together so we’re never short of anything, but she would like to have a bit more personal spending money and stuff to buy nice presents. Anyway, as a result - 3 of my family agreed last year that we would pay monthly amounts into a Christmas fund for her and by the start of December, we’d got about £800. I transferred it over and within a week, she’s spent about £500 and hardly any of that is on presents. It’s all gone on normal things like groceries, petrol, cat food and now she won’t have enough left for Christmas itself and it feels like we’re back at square one.

I know I probably shouldn’t be annoyed. She said, “When you haven’t got much money, the necessities have to come before luxuries” etc and that’s true. And she said she could top up her spending money from her wages in December anyway. To me that’s not really the point, though? This money was ‘ringfenced’ for Xmas, that was the whole point of it. So that she would be able to go out and do more things, go on nights out, buy treats and enjoy the festivities. I feel annoyed that it’s gone on mundane daily stuff and part of me begrudges doing it again next year. Am I being unreasonable?

We're all different, but I class groceries, petrol and pet food as essentials.

If you read the op’s posts it’s not that simple.

Her mum will say it’s essentials. And food is. But popping into m&s for wine, sweets, snacks, picking up a scarf or new shoes you can’t resist are not essentials. If it was actual essentials, £500 in a week is a huge amount.

petrol is definitely a personal spend. Given her dp pays all her bills and holidays why would he also be expected to cover her petrol when she choose to work part time and chooses to fritter away money.

I think the mum has given the ‘I would love to go out to X place at Christmas but I can’t afford it’ when in reality she doesn’t want to do that. She is just using it as a reason to remind them she doesn’t have much money. This is proved by her spending the money she has been given, on ‘essentials’. I don’t think there’s an issue with her deciding she wants food from m&s as she has the money. If that’s what makes this time of year feel special.

But Ops mum piles on the guilt to Op over money and has likely used Christmas as another way to do that. So they financed it and she still can’t do the things she claimed to want to do. Because she didn’t want to do them. But it’s a good way to get in ‘look how poor I am’.

Given the mums background with money I think Op was naive to give her the money expecting her to do anything different with it.

You aren’t unreasonable. You did a really kind and thoughtful thing for your mum and she didn’t take it in the way it was intended. You wanted it to be a special gift and she behaved as if it was just regular money. I don’t blame you for being disappointed but it seems that that’s just how she is and there’s nothing to be gained from hoping she will change because she won’t. You’ve done your best to give her what you thought she wanted but she wasn’t interested in making that happen for herself.

I think it’s a bit like saving up to give someone a load of holiday money so they can really enjoy themselves then watch them spend it before they go. I’d be disappointed too. You’re a really thoughtful daughter. As usual on Mumsnet though, no good deed goes unpunished.

That’s a really sad position she’s in, you should be kinder with the COL. £800 to spend on presents and luxuries instead of essentials sounds crazy

There’s an option to read all of Ops threads before commenting.

Her mum is not really spending it on essentials. Her essentials are covered by others already.

What’s not clear to me - and I have read all the posts - is whether OP’s mum knew this money was coming her way.

OP - you are still thinking of ways of managing your mum, but you need to manage your own response. Assume your mother doesn’t have any learning difficulties- you are not her parent. She is yours. You have swapped roles and only you can pull out of that.

stop. She has a partner, between them they can sort her finances. She only needs you to top her up through the year because she’s used to it. She could increase her work hours. She could take ownership of her own spending. She could talk to her DP about money.

You need to use this to be the break you need from it- step away. You could pre-warn her “mum I need to start saving for the children and so I am probably not going to have spare money this year to help you out if you run out of petrol money this year, you and [DP] might need to do a budget.” Then step back. She will run out and she will need help, but until you don’t fix that, she and her DP wont be able to have the conversations they need to have.

I wouldn't give her any more money.

Just treat her occasionally if you want to.

Enabling her doesn't help.

@StrictlyComeSnoozing
Op said

"ek. She will spend £70 on a haircut and a bunch of flowers and then be aghast when the car is running out of petrol."

These are not essential
My last haircut was 20

Op also helps out with fuel or groceries throughout the year.

This money was so her mum could do Christmassy things.

But because she wasted it on expense haircuts and unnecessary flowers she had to use the Christmas money on essentials
And then will probably moan she has no money fir Christmas

It makes me cross because there are genuine starving families.

I'm off to donate to the food bank
Ops mum is just a sponger.

Don't polish your halo too much at the foodbank - there are plenty like OP's mum down there too, in addition to the folks genuinely struggling.

@PurpleSky300 as I have similar experiences with my parents (and me being a higher earner like you, with the weird guilt that goes along with that!), the only advice I can give is prepare for when she retires. My parents carried on their drip-drip spending into Dad's retirement, and ended up in debt they couldn't manage on just one pension. I thank heaven for Martin Lewis' TV programmes, as he's given them the financial education to dig their way out. I see this scenario a lot with the boomer generation actually - many seem to lack the responsibility & thrift their parents had after living through the wars, and don't see saving or leaving an inheritance as a priority.

It's hard to force them to face reality, so instead of Christmas money, maybe you and your siblings should start contributing to a long-term savings pot between you for her care needs when she's too old to work. At least if she has no savings in her own name, hopefully she'll qualify for government help later on as well. It shouldn't be down to you, but sometimes the ideal "wealth passing downwards" doesn't match the reality!

If you agree that essentials should come before luxuries, why do you mind?

It feels like OP has answered this several times. Even the comment immediately above yours begins with a quote from OP that covers this. The mum is already heavily subsidised for essentials and fritters away money.

Ignore my post I didn’t carry on reading but I wish OP had explained more in the original posting. I can see now the mum has plenty of spare money and should not have spent what she did

I know from experience you can't enjoy nice things when you're basics aren't covered.

Be glad she felt she felt she could use that money to survive better at least in Dec.
Can you help get out any other ways, for the rest of the year, sounds like she's struggling.

I sincerely wish hq could do something so you can't post without reading all op posts!
THE DM IS NOT COLD AND STARVING!! HER DP FUNDS HOUSING,BILLS,.FOOD ETC! Her part time wage is purely for 'fun stuff' for her, shopping, hair etc but she still burns through this and gets more money from the dc. I can't imagine the audacity to do this!

Poor people spend money differently to rich people.

So maybe she normally puts £10 of petrol in the car normally, the extra money might mean she can fill the tank. That's £70 - £80.

Topping up the gas / electric can take another chunk and maybe her groceries in the week have been nice meat instead of sausages.

She isn’t poor.

She just spends what she has. She is topping up the gas and electricity. Her dp pays all their bills and holidays. Her money is for her personal spends which op also pays towards.

It’s what your mam needs, just give it to her.
If she spent €800 on Christmas presents for me and my children… and nights out leaving her unable to afford petrol for the car or to pay her heating bills I would be more upset.

I agree. The reading ability on this thread is especially poor!

@ThisMamaNeedsSleep she doesn’t “need” it at all