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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed with DM about her Christmas fund?

295 replies

PurpleSky300 · 07/12/2023 16:09

My Mum (60) works part-time and sometimes struggles for money at Christmas.

We have Christmas with extended family and pool together so we’re never short of anything, but she would like to have a bit more personal spending money and stuff to buy nice presents. Anyway, as a result - 3 of my family agreed last year that we would pay monthly amounts into a Christmas fund for her and by the start of December, we’d got about £800. I transferred it over and within a week, she’s spent about £500 and hardly any of that is on presents. It’s all gone on normal things like groceries, petrol, cat food and now she won’t have enough left for Christmas itself and it feels like we’re back at square one.

I know I probably shouldn’t be annoyed. She said, “When you haven’t got much money, the necessities have to come before luxuries” etc and that’s true. And she said she could top up her spending money from her wages in December anyway. To me that’s not really the point, though? This money was ‘ringfenced’ for Xmas, that was the whole point of it. So that she would be able to go out and do more things, go on nights out, buy treats and enjoy the festivities. I feel annoyed that it’s gone on mundane daily stuff and part of me begrudges doing it again next year. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Redebs · 07/12/2023 17:24

So you're not happy that she has spent it on sensible things to give her some security, rather than on presents to give to you?

Sounds like a reasonable plan of hers.

Maybe you won't be getting expensive presents with the money you 'gave' your mum to buy them with. Not really a problem is it?

ACynicalDad · 07/12/2023 17:24

If it's been given for Christmas to spend it on something else is rude, and really should be discussed in advance.

User13579367337 · 07/12/2023 17:26

dreamingofsun · 07/12/2023 17:19

I'm finding these comments about a 60 year old only working PT very annoying. Unless she is ill she should increase her hours. 60 isnt old.

This. My parents/step parents and in laws are well into their 60’s, we’ve got a brick layer, scaffolder, a&e nurse, police officer and building manager all working full time?

balmysummerevening · 07/12/2023 17:27

If she has so much financial help from everyone and is STILL struggling then why on earth is she planning to spend £800 on gifts?! Isn't that a little frivolous if she can't even afford petrol and cat food? why does she need to spend almost 1k on gifts? that's just ridiculous and it shows that she's not very good with money. Stop enabling her and stop giving her money to spend on expensive gifts. Problem solved.

LimeCheesecake · 07/12/2023 17:27

It does sound like the mum is used to a lot of people funding her - but could she work full time? Reasonable as she’s clearly not coping on a part time wage, if her dcs are having to buy her food weekly and save for her and she still needs to use those savings for bills.

a lot of woman 10-15 years older than your mother were able to retire in their mid 50s and it may well have made her think she wouldn’t be working at all or only part time at her age.

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 07/12/2023 17:27

This is a totally odd dynamic
unless you're loaded it's not usual to financially support your parent every single month and £800 for a Christmas gift seems like a lot of money - it's also even odder if you were giving it to her to buy gifts for other people! Like pocket money?! Maybe stop funding your mum so much.

Twiglets1 · 07/12/2023 17:27

Your poor mum - she probably just felt relieved to be able to buy in a load of groceries to last her for a while and fill the car up with petrol without worrying about how to afford it.

Please don’t make her feel bad about this. She has some left over for gifts but it would have been a bit nonsensical to spend £800 on gifts while being unable to afford groceries or petrol. Is that really what you would have wanted for her?

Whether you do it again next year or not is entirely down to how you feel. But I expect she’s grateful for the financial support & you’ve made her happy which is in the spirit of Christmas anyway.

mangochops · 07/12/2023 17:28

60 is not old. All the 60 year olds I know work full time- most of us in our 40s will have to the way things are going! Unless she is disabled she can work full time and take responsibility for her finances. Good grief.

x2boys · 07/12/2023 17:29

LardyCakeAgain · 07/12/2023 17:23

I know what you mean with this - I argue with my female relatives in their 50s and 60s about this, who somehow got it into their heads that they shouldn't have to work past 60 (and therefore gave up work in their fifties and wonder why they're skint).

Show quote history

So can give up work in their 50,s bow,unless they are independently wealthy?

Devilsmommy · 07/12/2023 17:29

SalviaDivinorum · 07/12/2023 16:13

Totally unreasonable.

It sounds like the money was really needed. I'd be very happy to know it had been spent on things that were actually needed rather than spent on expensive fancy food for one day of the year whilst the cat goes hungry and she can't afford to run the car to the supermarket.

First response is spot on! @SalviaDivinorum love the username btw😁

VanityDiesHard · 07/12/2023 17:29

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

gave you no end as a child.

While I agree that OP is BU, you don't actually know what kind of a mother the OP's mum was. There are some mothers out there who expect congratulations for doing the bare minimum. I'm not saying OP's mum is like that, but I'm not of the opinion that parents are owed anything just because their children had shelter and food etc. growing up.

BornIn78 · 07/12/2023 17:30

Ok you should have said in your OP that she’s a financial fuckwit and subsidised by various other people all year round.

Why would it be any different at Christmas.

More fool you all for giving her £800 in the first place.

SmokySilverShine · 07/12/2023 17:31

Your poor mother should be retired.
I've worked with people who are in their sixties, still struggling to find work, from quite impoverished backgrounds ( in the North) and it’s pretty heartbreaking and infuriating.

My friend’s parents mostly took early retirement on large pensions at 50.
Yet we have struggling older people looking and working much later, and they aren’t qualified for easier office jobs, they are having to look for low paid manual jobs.
Its totally unfair and unreasonable.

Redebs · 07/12/2023 17:31

Lots of people can only manage to work part time as they get older.
My dad took 'early' retirement at 63.
Thank goodness he did. He was dead just after his 65th birthday.

Original poster
PurpleSky300 · 07/12/2023 17:31

Just for Christmas in general. Going out, eating out, buying stuff from John Lewis or Fortnum and Mason's or buying a barrel of wine for Boxing Day, it didn't really matter. She has always wanted to buy a nice present for her SIL because her SIL buys her expensive jewellery that we have never been able to 'match'. She likes perfume. I just wanted her to be able to enjoy things without endlessly thinking what it costs.

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 07/12/2023 17:32

Ragruggers · 07/12/2023 16:25

Maybe youcould look at her outgoings and see if she is really short of money and help her budget.Would she let you do this? Can she work more hours ?Living alone is expensive.Christmas is 1 day surely better to have more all the year round.Does she really need lots of treats at Christmas.I would rather have my bills paid and food in the cupboard.

This

Twiglets1 · 07/12/2023 17:33

mangochops · 07/12/2023 17:28

60 is not old. All the 60 year olds I know work full time- most of us in our 40s will have to the way things are going! Unless she is disabled she can work full time and take responsibility for her finances. Good grief.

All the women I know in their mid to late 50s work part time (as do I) it’s not unusual for someone of 60 ( especially a woman) to work part time.

If I was short of money I would have to consider returning to full time but it’s possible that OPs mother has health issues making this hard ( we don’t know).

newhaircut · 07/12/2023 17:33

PurpleSky300 · 07/12/2023 17:10

The amount of people who seem to think that I'm leaving my poor Mum starving or something is absolutely absurd. Talk about jumping to conclusions.

I contribute heavily towards my Mum's groceries and petrol costs every week, all year round. Her partner pays the bills, pays her car insurance, pays for holidays, and all other domestic costs. Her DB sorts out repairs and most DIY things if they ever need help in the house. They have no mortgage. She's not well off, of course, but not in dire straits either. She is probably like a lot of people in that she isn't desperate day-to-day but she struggles to budget and save, and that's why we put this fund together in the first place.

People saying I ought to be 'kinder' have no idea. She has an entire network of people who would do anything for her. Have you been gifted nearly 1k recently? God.

If all this is accurate and she has no mortgage, no bills to pay, no holidays to pay for (and still manages to go on holiday paid for by someone else) then frankly, I don't believe she's THAT broke. Sounds like she's taking the piss and getting hand outs from everyone when she doesn't actually have many expenses whatsoever

ChanelNo19EDT · 07/12/2023 17:34

I'm 53 and don't earn a lot of money, if I were hosting christmas for adult children and their spouses and children I'd need a contribution from them.

x2boys · 07/12/2023 17:34

SmokySilverShine · 07/12/2023 17:31

Your poor mother should be retired.
I've worked with people who are in their sixties, still struggling to find work, from quite impoverished backgrounds ( in the North) and it’s pretty heartbreaking and infuriating.

My friend’s parents mostly took early retirement on large pensions at 50.
Yet we have struggling older people looking and working much later, and they aren’t qualified for easier office jobs, they are having to look for low paid manual jobs.
Its totally unfair and unreasonable.

She's 60 not 80,and it doesn't matter what used to happen they days of men retiring at 65 and women at 60 are long gone

neilyoungismyhero · 07/12/2023 17:34

If she had spent the money on food presents and trips out then a good portion of the money would be spent returning your combined fund to all of you with gifts etc. that doesn't seem right.
I agree with other posters if you all can afford to put a little by monthly for her it would make a real difference to her.

MzHz · 07/12/2023 17:35

I’m 55. Nobody is sending me £800! I have my own salary paying for stuff. H pays for everything else more or less

you’re all mugs sending her that amount of money! She doesn’t need it, she’s got money and support to get everything she needs but she blows it all!

A lesson in budgeting would be a better bet!

forget the fund. Tell her you don’t need presents

uncomfortablydumb53 · 07/12/2023 17:36

So in effect you've all saved £800 for her to spend on presents for you?
Rather than subsidising her financially( which most parents wouldn't hear off) which is very kind of you
She really needs to learn to cut her cloth
I was going to say YABU until you mentioned she has a partner to help with bills etc
Organise a secret Santa for this year, and don't be so generous!

pinksheetss · 07/12/2023 17:36

I find it strange you essentially give her money to buy you gifts. Seems now you are annoyed she won't gift you back as she's spent it

If she spent it on groceries and bills then obviously it was needed. She's not wasted it on tat or things not needed has she.

Luxell934 · 07/12/2023 17:37

It doesn't make sense though if you and her partner are financially supporting her so much then why did she need to use the money for food, fuel and cat food??