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Original poster

To be annoyed with DM about her Christmas fund?

295 replies

PurpleSky300 · 07/12/2023 16:09

My Mum (60) works part-time and sometimes struggles for money at Christmas.

We have Christmas with extended family and pool together so we’re never short of anything, but she would like to have a bit more personal spending money and stuff to buy nice presents. Anyway, as a result - 3 of my family agreed last year that we would pay monthly amounts into a Christmas fund for her and by the start of December, we’d got about £800. I transferred it over and within a week, she’s spent about £500 and hardly any of that is on presents. It’s all gone on normal things like groceries, petrol, cat food and now she won’t have enough left for Christmas itself and it feels like we’re back at square one.

I know I probably shouldn’t be annoyed. She said, “When you haven’t got much money, the necessities have to come before luxuries” etc and that’s true. And she said she could top up her spending money from her wages in December anyway. To me that’s not really the point, though? This money was ‘ringfenced’ for Xmas, that was the whole point of it. So that she would be able to go out and do more things, go on nights out, buy treats and enjoy the festivities. I feel annoyed that it’s gone on mundane daily stuff and part of me begrudges doing it again next year. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Snuggleyou · 08/12/2023 20:18

The very things she spent the money on should tell you a lot about her quality of living in general.

jhy · 08/12/2023 20:32

What would she had done if you & family members hadn't given her this money? Just coped? Lived on credit card? Sounds like she used the money to clear debt if there's nothing to show for it.

likethislikethat · 08/12/2023 21:30

So your mother decided not to either budget for Xmas or to budget for December groceries and simply decided to rob your gift to pay for her excesses ?

Yeah, I'd be pissed off too and no, it wouldn't be happening next year.

jhy · 08/12/2023 21:42

OP, now I've read ALL the comments I totally feel for you!
I have the same problem and unfortunately you cannot help these types of people . Give them a million , they would still spend a million & £1!
Last year I was promised no more pointless spending on credit cards, so I gave her £400 to clear the remaining balance and what I thought was going to cut it up and close the account. This year it's the same crap. No money, can't do things, ETC!
She does not understand she's spending beyond her means (because of the people supporting her) and doesn't understand all these dresses , boots, fancy food all adds up fast. Even to the point she counted 12 brand new M&S dresses, 4x brand new hotter boots (£150 each!) which she said were too small - why didn't she return?!
It's a real problem and unfortunately I refuse to fund her pointless spends anymore. Her basics are definitely covered she is not starving or going without. She's just not buying clothes to never be worn or whatever else. Since retirement it's gotten worse as she goes shopping most days.

I think next year, do not give her the money straight up. Keep it to aside and transfer it in small goes / book stuff on her behalf. It's the only way to ensure it is spent in good faith (yes I know it sounds OTT but people who are irresponsible spenders cannot handle it!)

Original poster
PurpleSky300 · 08/12/2023 22:04

LimeCheesecake · 08/12/2023 14:28

Oh OP - when you were young you took in the parenting role, accepting your mother couldn’t be expected to look after herself, and between you, siblings and her boyfriend, managed to avoid your mum having to learn to budget. So even though she was once “bailiff broke” levels, she’s never learned.

Its time to stop. If her mortgage and bills are paid, and even if she only works 2 days a week on minimum wage- she doesn’t need you to save through the year for her Christmas treats. She needs to budget her own money. (Particularly if you are also subsidising her through the year with food shopping).

and her boyfriend might need to be serious with her about their finances. (And if she can true it afford to work part time.)

next year buy her things, buy her tickets, but don’t give this woman cash.

your mum won’t change. It’s not your job to look after her.

Yeah, I think this is the way to go. I think sometimes when you've been in a situation where you've had no money, then having any at all can feel like it's burning a hole in your pocket etc and you want to rush out and spend it.

OP posts:
JuniperKeats · 08/12/2023 22:05

If you give anyone money it’s theirs, and they are entitled to spend it as they wish. If you wanted it another way you should have bought the items you wanted her to have.

E17Stowmum · 08/12/2023 22:06

Means-tested Christmas.

Original poster
PurpleSky300 · 08/12/2023 22:10

LookItsMeAgain · 08/12/2023 15:02

If I were you @PurpleSky300 , I'd start putting money aside for when she is really is dire straits and needs money to cover either medical expenses or care or something else that would be really expensive.

I've read all of your posts and your mum is an impulse shopper and doesn't stick to a budget. She never has. She overspent when you were young and she never had to learn how to budget then. When her DP came on the scene it was the opposite, there was a steady stream of money if she needed it so it never dawned on her that she should budget and spend wisely then either.

Stop funding her lifestyle.

That's my updated take on the situation.

In the past, I have tried to sit with her and do a budget. She'll agree and support it and it all looks good on paper, then it just goes out of the window the next day. These 'funds' are the only way I could think of to sort it out. I mean this is a Christmas fund but we've had others - car repairs, laptop fund, basically all the bigger types of purchases that you'd need to save for. I have learned that there is no easy way to curb 'impulse' shopping and spending. And it's easier to do if you don't use online banking etc and therefore can't really see the money coming out of your account, just tap the card and go.

OP posts:
Lilithlogic · 08/12/2023 22:28

I know someone that actually seems to be used to being skint. That anytime she has had a windfall will squander it on goodness knows what rubbish till they are back to being skint and then needing to borrow to fill the gas meter. She just couldn't understand the concept of budgeting or even saving for a rainy day.

Original poster
PurpleSky300 · 08/12/2023 22:38

OldPerson · 08/12/2023 19:32

You're not thinking about DM's needs. I'm sure DM would rather the cat was fed than go out for a night on the town. So what does she need for a great Christmas and what do you need? And why did they transfer all the money to her? Were they expecting her to think up all the presents and fun for everyone? Or did they just not want her to be stressed at Christmas? The 3 cash contributors need to sit down and agree what the money should be spent on and if they're happy or not. You sound a little entitled and immature if you think the money raised was centrally for your benefit and fun. And I also suspect you didn't contribute.

If I wasn't one of the 3 contributors (others being her DB and her other'SIL (as in DP's sister) then surely I wouldn't have posted this thread? I was just frustrated because I thought it would be her Christmas fun money, pocket money, beer money, present fund, whatever.

I'm 30 years old - I'm not waiting for my Mum to buy me things. And the idea of the whole family giving a woman money so that she can do all the "Christmas admin" or "Mum work" (vom) of buying presents on their behalf is the most bizarre, outdated, sexist guff I've heard in years. Do women actually do that?

OP posts:
penjil · 08/12/2023 23:16

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

This.

If she's struggling for essentials for herself and cat food, then I'd be concerned.

Are your siblings not able to help her out a bit more financially through the year?

It sounds alike even £10 or £20 a week would be gratefully received.

Your Mum shouldn't have to struggle.

StrictlyComeSnoozing · 08/12/2023 23:20

You begrudge helping your mum be able to pay for essentials?

Yes you're unreasonable.

Original poster
PurpleSky300 · 08/12/2023 23:21

penjil · 08/12/2023 23:16

This.

If she's struggling for essentials for herself and cat food, then I'd be concerned.

Are your siblings not able to help her out a bit more financially through the year?

It sounds alike even £10 or £20 a week would be gratefully received.

Your Mum shouldn't have to struggle.

Show quote history

I probably haven't explained it well in my earlier posts but she does have a DP who pays the bills and most expenses except for personal spends. I am an only child but she has a DB and SIL, etc that she is close to.

OP posts:
BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 08/12/2023 23:44

So this is the only real money that she has to buy extra things for herself and then you have others on here telling her to work more hours. Don't be so hard on her, just make sure she has enough food and heating and accept she is the way she is and is not going to change now.

TammyJones · 09/12/2023 03:11

Lilithlogic · 08/12/2023 22:28

I know someone that actually seems to be used to being skint. That anytime she has had a windfall will squander it on goodness knows what rubbish till they are back to being skint and then needing to borrow to fill the gas meter. She just couldn't understand the concept of budgeting or even saving for a rainy day.

This would drive me to distraction.
Op your mum just doesn't take responsibility for money.
She's like a child.
And you are enabling it.
Just stop.
Safe your money
Otherwise you may as well set fire to it.
Let her crack on.
You've tried.
She's just carried on regardless-?because, well it s fun , why shouldn't she have 'everything' she wants, well , because, SHE deserves it.
And, well if she is short, some mug - you -,will bail her out.
Super disrespectful
Do you feel respected???

TammyJones · 09/12/2023 03:14

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 08/12/2023 23:44

So this is the only real money that she has to buy extra things for herself and then you have others on here telling her to work more hours. Don't be so hard on her, just make sure she has enough food and heating and accept she is the way she is and is not going to change now.

Please read the thread.
The mum has a partner who pays all the bills - food and heating.
The mum's part time money - maybe 400 pounds is for hair cuts and flowers and any other non essential personal stuff.
This mum is an absolute sponger.

TammyJones · 09/12/2023 03:16

StrictlyComeSnoozing · 08/12/2023 23:20

You begrudge helping your mum be able to pay for essentials?

Yes you're unreasonable.

Her mums partner pays for essential
Her mum has an income for inessential personal stuff flowers, perfume , going to the pub etc

Lilithlogic · 09/12/2023 03:41

TammyJones · 09/12/2023 03:11

This would drive me to distraction.
Op your mum just doesn't take responsibility for money.
She's like a child.
And you are enabling it.
Just stop.
Safe your money
Otherwise you may as well set fire to it.
Let her crack on.
You've tried.
She's just carried on regardless-?because, well it s fun , why shouldn't she have 'everything' she wants, well , because, SHE deserves it.
And, well if she is short, some mug - you -,will bail her out.
Super disrespectful
Do you feel respected???

Show quote history

I'm not giving anyone money

Raspberrymoon49 · 09/12/2023 04:40

Am in my 60s, have worked all my life and raised children and held down a mortgage all single-handedly with no help in any area, have huge financial problems and zero money for Christmas so the fund that has kindly been put together would have to go on basics before presents, etc, I would break down in tears if somebody had done that for me, please be gentle with your mum, us 60 somethings are worn out, my life is a struggle every day and we would have been receiving state pension since age of 60 if it wasn’t for the unscrupulous Tories, I will have to work till I drop and it’s exhausting at this age x

TammyJones · 09/12/2023 06:42

@Lilithlogic

Op your mum just doesn't take responsibility for money.
She's like a child.
And you are enabling it.

^^
Sorry @Lilithlogic
The bit about giving away money was aimed at the OP
as above.
Sorry if I wasn't clear. Grin

FizzyLaser · 09/12/2023 06:50

@PurpleSky300 i think you sound lovely.

I have a mate who’s a head now but comes from a very ordinary working class background. They and their siblings contribute to their parents holidays and so pn.

GreyWednesday · 09/12/2023 06:58

Unless there was a good reason (health, caring etc) I wouldn’t be subsidising anyone who chose to work part time. Lots of people have to work full time when they don’t want to (let’s face it, who wouldn’t rather be part time?) because they can’t afford to drop down.

It was very kind of you all to save the money for her- at least you’ll know for next year.

FindingMeno · 09/12/2023 07:11

She has a too much spending and too little working problem.
I suggest you stop subsidising her and she gets off her arse more.
She's living the life of Riley.
I expect to still be helping my dc's, if I can, at 60 - not the other way round!!!

Ffsnotaconference · 09/12/2023 07:12

Raspberrymoon49 · 09/12/2023 04:40

Am in my 60s, have worked all my life and raised children and held down a mortgage all single-handedly with no help in any area, have huge financial problems and zero money for Christmas so the fund that has kindly been put together would have to go on basics before presents, etc, I would break down in tears if somebody had done that for me, please be gentle with your mum, us 60 somethings are worn out, my life is a struggle every day and we would have been receiving state pension since age of 60 if it wasn’t for the unscrupulous Tories, I will have to work till I drop and it’s exhausting at this age x

So all you really have in common with Ops mum is that you are 60?

The ops mum has all her bills paid for her. Op ends up having to pay for her mums petrol or for food.

The Ops mum spend her money and what she fancies and then expects others to pay for her essentials. She chooses to work part time and not budget because others are subsidising her.

Being 60 isn’t an excuse for just spending on what you want and then guilting your adult children into giving you petrol money.

FindingMeno · 09/12/2023 07:14

Plus, she goes on holidays ffs.
Wish I could say that!!!