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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To reach out to dying ex friend?

195 replies

juliettv · 07/12/2023 15:55

We are both 38 and had been friends since 18
We stopped speaking 4 years ago as she was absolutely awful to me.
She had for as long as I can remember put me down,used me as the but of her jokes.
She reported me for benefit fraud (told social services I was stealing from my dying mothers pension )told horrible lies about me to our mutual friends,tried to paint me as crazy and a bad person.
Luckily I had proof of mums bank statements etc and it was wrote of as malicious but it was a dark time in my life and caused me so much sadness whilst caring for mum.
Anyway I lost two friends because of it (they were friends I met through her )
My mum died and she was sending me messages saying "couldn't happen to a better person ha ha "
I hated her for a long long time
Her husband left her and she changed .
She would sleep with married men,didn't care who she hurt
She seemed to hate me
Said I was too thin,didn't like my clothes
You wouldn't believe the vendetta she had against me
Anyway -
Her brother (who I still speak too on fb ) as he is a lovely person
Messaged shes got stage 4 cancer
She doesn't have long to live
I've got this overwhelming sadness
I wouldn't wish this on anybody
We had good times and I just keep thinking of those.
I'm so upset she's dying and my other friends think I'm crazy for feeling like this after what she put me through
I want to reach out and just say something
Send flowers -I don't know
Aibu ?
She has 2 18 year old sons who will be loosing the most important person and I just feel a heavy heart because I know what it's like.
Some perspective would be great
Thankyou

OP posts:
Nevermind31 · 07/12/2023 15:57

No. Nothing to be gained for anyone

ConstitutionHill · 07/12/2023 15:57

Personally, I would not send anything. Anyone who could make up lies like that about me would be dead to me.

SignoraItaliana · 07/12/2023 15:57

Is she really terminally ill?

Original poster
juliettv · 07/12/2023 15:58

Her brother said so yes
He said she has a form of cancer (I won't put the type incase for some reason somebody recognises her

OP posts:
Exasperateddonut · 07/12/2023 15:58

You have a big heart to reach out after that. She may respond badly so keep that in mind. You may not get the happy feeling you look for.

ichundich · 07/12/2023 15:59

I don't think i would. Karma is a bitch.

Sleepeazie · 07/12/2023 15:59

You can reach out AND not forgive for the vendetta. If you’ll struggle to find peace, for not reaching out, once she’s died - then do it - for you xx

Ohtobetwentytwo · 07/12/2023 15:59

I think do what feels right to you as you're the one who has to live with it.

FWIW, I wouldn't recommend it. No good will come of it. People are complicated. They arent simply good or bad and I know what you want is one final nice interaction to give you closure and stop the complicated feelings but I doubt it will go as planned.

You're in the first stage of grief and I say this wih love, you need to figure out how you deal with it, not put your Hope's on her to fix it by saying goodbye the way you want to hear it.

NCNCNCNCNCNCNCMC · 07/12/2023 16:01

Reach out for what?

To tell her your sorry she's dying? Remember what she said after your mother's death FGS. This woman is vile and what's happening to her is probably karma.

She will probably take the opportunity to hurt you again. People like that don't change, even when facing death.

Stephisaur · 07/12/2023 16:02

I wouldn't, although I do understand why you would want to.

I would be happy to be there for her brother/sons though after her passing.

Original poster
juliettv · 07/12/2023 16:02

Not sure if I'm letting nostalgia from a friendship that never was cloud my judgement
Until I found this out I hated her
Like hated her
Maybe it's her sons I'm sad for because I lost a parent young

OP posts:
HowToSaveAWife · 07/12/2023 16:04

The very most I would say is to the brother that I'm sorry your family are going through this and for her sons to lose their mother.

But from your snippets,it seems she was a friend to no one and life has dealt her the hand she deserves.

crispcreambun · 07/12/2023 16:05

I'm nowhere near malicious or ballsy enough (plus karma fear), but it would be so tempting to send this right back at her:

My mum died and she was sending me messages saying "couldn't happen to a better person ha ha "

meeplesmarples · 07/12/2023 16:06

Would she even welcome you reaching out, or would she accuse you of gloating or similar? She doesn't sound like a very nice person, so you cannot be sure how she might twist a well-intentioned message on your part. I'd steer clear.

Coconutter24 · 07/12/2023 16:06

I personally wouldn’t reach out to her. If it was a friend that you just drifted apart from then yes I’d say reach out with a message or something but not to someone who was so vile to you! Send your condolences to her brother and sons once she’s gone.

Catza · 07/12/2023 16:07

I wouldn't communicate with her but I probably would send her flowers with a short note with warm wishes. Just for my own sake, really because I wouldn't want to live to regret not doing it.
I wouldn't invite contact though because for all you know she could be as horrid as you remember and take this opportunity to have another stab at you.

crispcreambun · 07/12/2023 16:07

Hit send too soon^

But I'd leave it tbh, unless you want to contact her for you. Don't do it for her though.

Newgirls · 07/12/2023 16:07

No need to reach out. If it comes up with anyone simply say ‘really sad news I do feel for her kids’ and don’t gossip. That is the most respectful thing to do and good for your own peace of mind.

ASouthPoleElf · 07/12/2023 16:08

If you sent her a message saying “couldn’t happen to a better person ha ha ha” then I personally wouldn’t judge you. But you sound far too nice to contemplate doing anything of the sort. I wouldn’t reach out though. Nor would I give her a second thought. Move on and focus your energy on yourself and your family, not old feuds with unpleasant people.

statetrooperstacey · 07/12/2023 16:11

no don’t , doesn’t sound like she’d welcome it as it seems like she doesn’t like you!

VolunteerOrNot · 07/12/2023 16:11

You have a huge and kind heart.

I think @Ohtobetwentytwo 's post above. especially 'I think do what feels right to you as you're the one who has to live with it.' sums it up perfectly. I would add that you should take time to consider it and be clear what your intentions are if you were to reach out to her again.

Given what you have said about her, you may find she does not reply, or replies with venom again. However, I do understand that your ex friend is in an awful position of dying and leaving behind two young innocent children, her family and husband. She must be in a lonely and difficult place and having a lot of complex feelings herself.

I think if you did want to reach out to her safely, then maybe send a card but certainly I would not be expecting a response and more put it down to ease your own mind in saying goodbye. Like @Sleepeazie said - you don't need to forgive her or expect her to acknowledge the awful way she treated you if you did.

Rainbowshine · 07/12/2023 16:14

I would keep the contact with the brother, focusing on the impact on the family. Like others have suggested “I am sorry that you are having to deal with this” type of sentiment. I wouldn’t contact the person directly.

SOBplus · 07/12/2023 16:15

Doesn't sound like much of a friend and as it ran its course I would leave it, whats to be gained by her or you if contact her?

IncompleteSenten · 07/12/2023 16:15

Would she even want to see you? And if she did, do you think she'd treat you well or enjoy one last opportunity to be cruel to you?

You walked away for a good reason. Her illness does not change her past behaviour.

spiderlight · 07/12/2023 16:17

I'd leave it for now, but reach out to her sons afterwards.